


New Moon: The Ever Swan Story

by NoapologiesNoexcusesNoregrets



Series: Ever Swan story [2]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Comedy, Crack, Dark Comedy, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Funny, Humour, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Multi, Other, Romantic Comedy, Rough Sex, Sexual Content, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M, Vampires, wolf shifter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-20 12:14:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 129,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6005488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoapologiesNoexcusesNoregrets/pseuds/NoapologiesNoexcusesNoregrets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do you do when your sidekick bat is dead, your emo twin is flinging herself off of cliffs and your love life resembles a train wreck in wonderland?</p><p>Easy: You bring out Kevin 2.0, eat buckets of ice cream mixed with whiskey, plan spider murder with your best friend and attempt valiantly to handle falling in love twice with two impossibly complicated men.</p><p>Ever will have to deal with the return of the lost Weasley and Robbie Williams, and the slippery slope of her own mental health issues. But her problems won't stop there. Of course there's the fluffy boys in jean shorts club to keep on track and the non-stop mind frakery that is her intense love for two very different supernatural beings.</p><p>Ever is back, and this time, shiz gets real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Party

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own New Moon. At all. Like, not even a teensy tiny bit. I promise.
> 
> I'M BAAAAACCCCKKKK! Just for everyone who doesn't know, this is technically a sequel. I beg of you to please read my first story 'Twilight: The Ever Swan story' before reading this one. Things might seem a bit wacky if you don't. Then again, with Ever, things are always insanity infused, so it might not make a difference! x
> 
> A few warnings for this story: Het and slash in this fic (so if you don't like that then you know where the metaphorical door is.). Scenes of violence. Bad language throughout. There will be some graphic scenes of a sexual nature, but I will clearly mark those parts so if you want to skip them then you can. References to past abuse. Mention of mental health issues (I do not want to offend anyone.).
> 
> PLEASE! Read AUTHORS NOTE BELOW it is very important! Thank you!
> 
> Now, on with the show my pretties! xxx

Ok, so, I'm officially old now.

Eighteen today bitches!

I might as well just retire right now, I can move to Miami and buy a bungalow to live in and shout at spring breakers to get their drunk asses off my god damn lawn. I shall have my very own walking stick like the one Lucius Malfoy used as a sneaky hiding place for his wand.

Ah, I miss Kevin.

This has been, by far, the best summer I've ever had. Edward and I have spent so much time together that it feels like I've known him my whole life. I've revealed some of my past to him, but only glimmers. When it came right down to it, I just didn't know how to explain everything that happened. It's been years, and yet that time in my life still hangs over me like a ghost.

I'll get there. For the first time I actually want to share the truth about myself with someone. Well, sort of the first time anyway.

Dad got me a new t-shirt for my birthday, it's a dark blue and has the words 'So far this is the oldest I've ever been' written on it in big black lettering. What can I say, the man knows me. Luckily Dad's let up on the whole 'take your meds or watch me make a frowny face all day' thing. I swear, I'm taking them religiously, no need to alarm the local madhouse that they'll be getting a new patient. Or an old one, depending on how you look at it.

I bought a t-shirt online for Bella as a birthday present, it's green and reads 'I am the reason why we can't have nice things'. She loves it. She loves it so much that she threw it at my face and called me a dick, then flounced away in a loving huff. I was too busy giggling like a ten year old with my new top hat from Beany to care for her emoness. Another man who knows me. I feel truly wuved.

I'm wearing my new top hat now as we're on our the way to school. I feel that everyone should bow to the greatness that is Robbie the top hat. He is beautiful and worthy of praise.

I realise how way through our journey to school that Bella bop appears genuinely tense. I turn in my seat, and ask her gently,

"Please, Bell, tell me what's going on with you."

Bella's face scrumples a little and she sniffs rather loudly. I brace myself for big overly dramatic tears, but all I get is Bella saying in a slightly choked up voice,

"We're getting old."

Huh.

"That's usually the idea of a birthday, yeah, Bell," I say slowly, not wanting to spook her.

Bella bop gets this ultra pained look on her face,

"Every day we get older and older, and the Cullens never will."

Oh bejesus, really?

"It's a bit early for a mid-life crisis, you twit," I try to tease, although her words do echo something back to my own mind. It's not that I never think about my future with Edward, it's more that I can't see a way around what will eventually happen. Either Edward will move on when I'm older, or I will when I need to. I'm hoping that we'll always be close, Ward and I, even if we aren't always together in a romantic sense.

But we have years until it becomes a problem anyway, so I don't worry about it that much.

Of course Bella the emo child of America would though.

Bella turns to me, which is a bit scary as she's technically still driving Gordan,

"I had a dream last night, about Nana. She was old and wrinkled, and when I looked in the mirror I was old and wrinkled too. JP was there, looking at me like he could barely recognise my face."

I shrug at her obvious distress,

"So even in your dreams the mighty JnoodlesP is an asshole, big deal. Dreams aren't real life Bella...just calm yourself for once. JP isn't worried about you getting old is he?"

Bella frowns in that way of hers that makes her look like a dyslexic kitten and she mumbles,

"Um, he hasn't said, but that's not the point-"

"Of course that's the point. If JP doesn't give a shiz how old you're getting, then neither should you," I say firmly. Actually, she shouldn't care either way what JP thinks of her age, but that would be a moot point with the emotron 5000, so I leave it there.

Bella seems to think for a long moment, God help us all, but eventually she just sniffs at me and says,

"You don't understand."

Oh for the love of ice cream and it's creator! Give me the strength not to pummel my own twin to death with her own book bag.

"I **_do_** understand," I argue, most likely pointlessly, with her, "I just happen to disagree with you. Edward doesn't care that I'm turning eighteen, I can tell you that much."

Bella gives me a glare for that one,

"Of course Edward doesn't care, he's infatuated with you!"

"JP is obsessed with you!" I shout at her, "Like in the creepiest way possible, but still."

Why are we even arguing about this, it's completely ridiculous.

"I know that John would never say anything," Bella says, sounding a bit shrill, "But that doesn't mean he won't be bothered eventually."

I run both my hands through my hair. It's gotten longer since I first got here, and the black tips have started to curl.

"Yeah, key word there, Bella, 'eventually', as in, not _now._ "

Bella doesn't reply for a long time, and I know it's not because she's finally seen the error of her twitish ways. We drive on in silence, and I take the time to try and calm myself. I don't want to be all worked up when I get to school. I've been really great with my panic attacks over the summer. I'll admit Jacob has been helping me a lot. He makes me feel safe and content in a way that no one, not even Edward, can manage.

But I do get the impression that he's hiding things from me. He told me as much the last time we spoke. He also said he isn't ready to talk about it yet. Far be it from me to force the issue. Although he's been fully willing to talk to me about his condition. I have no idea what could be more personal than that. But I've learnt, in my short weird life, that you can never truly know a person. There's always something they hold back.

I should know, I'm usually the one first to hold out on someone. Not because I necessarily want to, but because I don't know how to be both honest _and_ keep on breathing at the same time.

Out of nowhere really, Bella snaps at me,

"Just because your love for Edward is temporary doesn't mean mine for John is."

Bitch did not just let those words come out of her face!

"Screw you, Bella! Ward and I may not prance around saying we _wuv_ each other every five seconds, but we share something meaningful and real. I love him, but just because I love him doesn't mean I'm blind to the obvious fact that one day I will get old and die, and he'll stay the same. I don't see the need to dwell on such a terrible fact, so just fucking leave it, would you."

Bella's face shuts down, and she shields all emotion from me. Well good, I'm tired of her whingy mood anyway. I pointedly turn away from her and take out my phone. There's a text there from Jacob, and I allow that warm comforting feeling to envelope me right down to my toes.

**"Happy Day of Birth you old coot. x"**

That's the third 'Happy' Birthday' text he's sent me this morning. There's been a different old joke every time.

**"You better respect your elders young man. x"**

**"Try not to fall over on those spindly old lady legs, it's icy today."**

**"I hope you realise that every time you reference my ancientness today adds to the amount of times I'm going to beat you later."**

**"Bring it on you wrinkly hag!"**

**"Oh you bitch! The fight is on!"**

**"No, I would never fight you, Lyna."**

**"Why not?"**

**"I don't fight little old ladies. It's wrong."**

**"I will hurt your face."**

**"NOOOOOOO!"**

**"What?!"**

**"A bird just ate my bacon!"**

**"Are we talking literally, or figuratively here?"**

**"No, I mean some asshole bird with feathers and shit just ate my left over bacon."**

**"Why is there a bird in your house?"**

**"There isn't, I'm outside."**

**"Why are you outside eating bacon?"**

**"Can't a man stand outside his own house and eat bacon out of a cereal bowl without being interrogated? I know my rights."**

**"Is there cereal in that bowl?"**

**"I would prefer not to disclose that information."**

**"You. Are. So. Weird."**

**"Takes one to know one."**

I realise suddenly that I'm being watched, and that Gordan has been officially parked in the school lot. Bella is giving me a hard look that I'm not sure how to interpret.

"What?" I ask her.

She raises a speculative eyebrow and shrugs,

"Why are you grinning like an idiot? What is Edward saying?"

Edward? I frown at her,

"Nothing yet, I haven't spoken to him since he called earlier this morning."

Bella's eyes widen almost comically,

"Then who are you texting?"

"Um...," with the reproachful look she's giving me I really don't want to answer.

"It's Jacob, isn't it," Bella states with a piercing stare.

I grit my teeth and try not to snap at her when I say,

"Yes, is that a problem?"

"I don't know. Is it?"

Damn her and all her judgy little brain cells.

"Jacob is my friend. My good friend. Good friends can text on each other on their birthdays." Or on any day for that matter.

Bella's expression is mild, and it clearly says 'yeah, whatever'.

"What does Edward think about it?" she asks me nosily. I want to flick her face. But I restrain myself because I am not a violent person. Usually.

"Bella, don't even go there. Ward is fully aware of my friendship with Jay, and Jay is perfectly aware of my _fully committed_ relationship with Ward. They're both fine with it."

Ok, so that's a bit of a lie, but Bella doesn't need to know all my personal business. Technically speaking Jacob and Edward seem to have come to some kind of unspoken truce where they simply never mention each other to me. Edward doesn't talk to me about Jacob, and Jacob skirts around the topic of Edward as much as possible. I don't know if that's the right thing to do, but if it makes them feel more comfortable then I'm not about to push.

It really shouldn't be a problem, I mean, Edward is perfectly fine with my friendship with Beany, he's even remarked on a few occasions that he likes him. I don't think it's just because Beany's gay, either. For whatever reason something about Jacob brushes Edward up the wrong way. I have no idea what. Maybe it's the whole radio silence telepathy thing. But then, by all rights that should make him dislike me as well. Whenever I try to even broach the subject with Edward, he finds a way to change the subject. Jacob just gives me a solemn look and stares at me with those dark eyes of his until I cave and move on to something else. The ironic thing is that I think if they just talked, and I mean properly without sniping at each other like ten year old girls every two seconds, then they would get on really well. Jacob is a lot like me, more so than I ever realised before actually. The thing with Jacob, is that he can act like a complete insane person, with all his jokes and big grins. But when you get to know him properly, you realise how serious and...oddly mature he is. I know first hand how much shit he's had to deal with in his life, especially when he was a kid. Growing up as Marissa Black's son is no easy feat, even for the strongest of people. Jacob was a sweet boy as a child, but he was also hardened and wary of just about everyone. I think that's why Jacob and I got along so well back then, because we both saw the world in a different way to most children. To most people in fact. I've seen Jacob make decisions without flinching that would cause a lot of adults to break down. He's the only person who has ever seen me at my worst, not even Bella has seen the true depth of my psychological damage come to life. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I secretly hope Edward will never see how messed up I am, but then, can I ever expect him to understand me if he doesn't?

I get out of Gordan before the emotron can start yapping at me again, and I right Robbie on my head so that he's slanting slightly.

I catch sight of Edward almost right away, and the open smile on his face makes my world brighten. I feel lighter all of a sudden, like I could take on the world, do and be anything, with Edward by my side. I love how he makes me feel, even though I fear it with all that I am.

Edward is standing with JpookieP and Pixie. Bella and I quickly walk over to them. Pixie grins widely and skips over to meet us. She envelops me in a death by squeeze hug and I pick her up and spin her around. I find the best way to deal with Alice is to be as enthusiastic as possible. It throws her off.

"Happy Birthday!" Pixie exclaims happily.

"Happy Not-your-birthday!" I cry back, making sure to sound equally as joyous.

"Do you want to open your present now or later?" Pixie leans back and inspects my face. She goes to hug Bella too, who as usual stands there awkwardly.

"Shhh, no presents," Bella hushes Pixie. She might as well be hushing a steam train for all Pixie gives a shiz.

"Speak for yourself emo twim, I would love a present!" I slap Bella on the arm. She stalks away over to JP. Killjoy.

JP actually smiles at me, and it appears somewhat genuine. I'm guessing that's his gift to me, and I am more than willing to accept it. Despite all the things I think, say and feel about JP, he clearly loves Bella (for some ungodly reason) and I have to respect that. Or at least that's what Edward says I should say if I'm ever questioned under duress.

Pixie makes an apologetic face at Bella and then shrugs at me,

"I'll give you yours later as well," she leans in close and whispers, "I really hope you like it, Ever."

I smile back at her and squeeze her shoulders,

"I'm sure I will if you picked it out."

Pixie does have great taste, maybe not always stuff I would personally choose, but good taste nonetheless.

When I'm free from Pixie's dainty clutches, I zoom over to Edward and launch myself into his strong arms. He catches me with ease and I wind my leg around his waist. Edward chuckles deeply against my hair, and he presses a kiss to my temple.

I cup his impossibly handsome face in my hands and cover his lips with mine. Edward doesn't hesitate in kissing me back, and he slides his hot tongue into my mouth, claiming me perfectly, with both gentleness and a firm sense of possessiveness. His cold hands on my back hold me close, and our embrace suggests to all of the world around us that I am his, and he is mine. I'm still not quite used to the feeling yet, but I know I like it, so that will have to do for now.

When Edward finally lets me drop my feet to the floor, I keep our bodies close enough to touch and smile up at him.

"Happy Birthday, my Ever," Edward caresses the skin of my jaw and I relax into him. His smile is one of pure bliss, and it makes me feel great that I can cause him such happiness just by letting him love me.

"Who says I'm yours?" I raise a teasing eyebrow.

Edward smirks a little, which is just about the sexiest expression in the world,

"You did."

I make a mock surprised face,

"Oh, yeah, right. I must have been tricked into that one."

"Might have been the same person who you stole that hat from," Edward says, laughter in his voice, as he gestures at Robbie.

I hit Edward playfully,

"Hey, respect Robbie, you lesser creature!"

"I have full respect for Robbie, I promise." Edward says, placing a hand on his heart. How Robbie managed to stay on my throughout the whole kiss ordeal is beyond me. The boy has skills.

"What time will you both be at the house?" I hear Pixie ask.

"Oh, please, tell me there's no party," Bella moans, sounding exasperated.

A party! Hell yeah, I'm gonna get my groove on! I can show everyone the flim flom dance! Queen Bee will love it.

"Ignore moody pants," I say, at the same time JP says,

"I'll get her there in time, just you wait and see."

Edward asks me,

"Is that alright with you, coming over I mean?" He seems so unsure of himself for a moment that my heart breaks a little. Even after all this time Edward still finds it hard to believe that I love him, and his family. I can hardly believe that he loves me too, so I can understand the confusion.

"I want to spend my birthday with you, Ward." No jokes for once, I completely mean it, one hundred percent.

Edward kisses the brim of Robbie and the spell is broken somewhat. I pinch Edward's skin, although it's very much like trying to pinch a crocodile.

"Woah, hands and lips off, Robbie is betrothed already, and I won't have you trying to entice him away from his future groom."

Edward barks out a laugh and shakes his head,

"Who is his future groom?"

I point over Edward's shoulder,

"Beany of course."

My friend catches sight of me and he waves, grinning like mad. Beany's really come into his own over the summer. He's still tall and lanky, but now there's muscle definition there too. He pretty much used all the anger and frustration from his break with Goldy to start working out. I got a little worried to begin with, but then we started running together and I realised he needed the stress relief in almost the same way I did, although for vastly different reasons. It kind of became our thing. We don't talk much when we run, we're just together, and it feels right. Beany's become quite a pretty young man, anyway, and I keep telling him that when he's in College he'll be beating the boys back with a stick. The first day back at school Beany wore a t-shirt, bought by me, that was rainbow tie dye, and had the words 'Make way for the Gay' printed on it in bold lettering. His official coming out moment was pretty spectacular. I thought Goldy was going to have a heart attack. Speaking of Goldy, he looks awful. He's lost a lot of weight, his cheek bones are sharper, and his face looks older. But it's the miserable set to his shoulders and the deep sadness in his eyes that's been getting to me. I know from Beany that Goldy has tried to contact him a few times, but Beany has been firm on them being over. Goldy made his choice, now he has to live with it.

My resolve, however, is crumbling, and I think I want to be his friend again. He needs someone who knows the truth, I'm worried how he'll cope otherwise.

It's for that very reason that I sit by him in English class and hand him a slip of paper with my number on it. Goldy frowns in confusion at me at first and asks,

"Um, hi...Ever...what's this?" We haven't spoken since our show down in the courtyard.

I place a hand on his shoulder and squeeze,

"My number, if you need someone to talk to, for real, then call me. For God's sake, Mike, _call me_."

Before he can respond I move away to sit at my usual place with Beany and Edward at the back of the room. Edward switched classes, using his vampy mojo, to be with me. I watch as Goldy smoothes my number flat and stares at it for a while. For a horrible second I think he'll throw it away, or crumple it in his hand. But, thankfully, Goldy folds the bit of paper and puts it in his pocket. I must show my relief, because Edward takes my hand under the desk, and Beany gives me a reassuring smile. I know he's ok with it because he cares about Goldy too. He just can't show it anymore.

Later I sit at our usual lunch table with Ward, Pixie, Cracky, JbooP, Bella bop and Beany. Emmet Mc Muscles and Queen Bee have already 'graduated' technically speaking. Beany has been somewhat ostricised from the old crowd ever since coming out, although he tells me it's more by choice anyway. He doesn't want to have to pretend to be friends with Goldy. Chatty officially still hates me, and I have never been happier to be hated by someone. She hates Bella and Beany by proxy as well. But even Bella can't deny that I did the right thing, or at least if she can I was ignoring her at the time.

"So where's my birthday present then?" I ask Ward, taking a lick from the birthday cupcake Jasper/Cracky produced from his bag for me. I have to be honest and say that Cracky is definitely growing on me. But Queen Bee will always be my favourite Cullen, if only because it annoys her so much. I once voiced that opinion to Edward and he pretended to be upset about it, but I can tell he finds my weird 'friendship' with his sister more funny than anything. It got worse when Rosalie laughed at one of my jokes by accident, and now all the Cullens call me and Rosalie besties. Rosalie has threatened all our lives if they don't stop encouraging me. They will never stop. It's just a fact.

"I wanted to give it to you in private," Edward tells me, and he's got his evil mastermind smirky face on. I am officially interested.

"It's not _that_ kind of present, is it?" I raise an eyebrow suggestively.

Edward and I haven't had sex yet, although that's mostly because we haven't found the right moment. We are constantly surrounded by people, so unless we want to have sex in the woods, which Edward is vehemently against for some reason, then we'll have to wait. Bella keeps talking to me about her love life with JP, and just when I thought I was ready to gag a rainbow, she started yapping on about sex. I do not, under any circumstances, want to think of my sister having sex. With anyone. Ever. It's too creepy to even contemplate. She told me that JP is against the whole sex thing because he's worried about hurting her. I advised that maybe he has a point. It took a lot of rationalising to get Edward to let that crap go. He's still insistent that our first time together be special. It's unfamiliar territory for me, because sex has never been special. I've never thought of it that way. But if that's what Edward wants then I see no reason to deny him.

Edward leans in close and brushes a tender kiss on my jaw,

"No," he says, a slight growly quality to his voice, "That's part two of your gift."

"There are two parts?" I ask, shocked.

"Three, actually," Edward says with a knowing smile. Wow. I know Edward has a shit ton of money, but jesus, three presents? And if I know Edward, then they won't be socks or bottles of soap either.

"You didn't have to," I tell him, even though part of me is kind of thrilled. I don't think of myself as particularly materialistic, but still, I'm excited to see what Edward thinks I want.

Edward smiles that secret loving smile that I crave from him, and I know he's enjoying the chance to spoil me. Ward would buy me whatever I asked for, if I was so inclined to ask for things, which I'm not. I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of him in that way, but I figure, birthday presents are alright.

"To be fair, part of your present is sort of for me too," Edward says ominously.

I stroke my pretend old man beard and mumble,

"Hmmm, interesting...you have my attention youg bumble bee."

Edward starts to lean in to kiss me again, but then stops and eyes me curiously,

"Young bumble bee?"

I shrug,

"Yeah, like a Jedi."

"Do you mean 'young grasshopper'?" Edward raises an eyebrow at me.

I scrunch up my nose and shake my head,

"Nah, I like bee's better. They're fluffy."

Edward's kiss takes me by surprise, but I quickly melt into it. When people start groaning around our table about PDA I pull back, and laugh.

"What was that for?" I ask Ward.

There's a heated glint to his dark eyes, and he whispers into my ear,

"Somehow your insanity has become sexy as hell to me, I can't resist when you say something ridiculous."

My breathe hitches at the lust lacing his tone, and a small shiver ripples through me. We really need to go away for the weekend or something, because just the thought of having Ward pressed up against me, no barriers between my skin and his...it makes my heart stutter.

"I love you," I whisper back to him. Because I do.

...

"Do you know what the Volturi is?" Bella asks me when we're on our way to the Cullens later on that day.

I turn to her in surprise,

"Um, yeah, they're that load of royal-ish vampy people in Italy. Aro, Caius, Marcus and...Styx." Edward told me about them ages ago, right after I came home from the hospital. It was after I realised Dad seemed determined to pretend what I told him was a dream. I admit to being a bit upset about it at the time. But Edward explained to me that it was probably for the best anyway, since the less people who know about vampires existing the better, because of the Volturi. Apparently they're some badass motherfrakers. The last thing I want is to piss off the mighty vampy king. Or any vampy person come to that.

Bella gets this pained look on her face. We're in Gordan and travelling up to the Cullen's home in the woods. Edward and JP are meeting us, since they were ordered by Pixie to come back and help set up. Edward didn't want to leave me, but I insisted that I would survive a few hours alone with Bella.

I'm beginning to regret that decision.

I won't lie though, I did deck myself out for tonight. I'm not normally one for dressing up, but I do enjoy it when I do.

I'm wearing a blue knee length dress with a black lace bodice and a Maryin Monroe style skirt. Black heeled boots, a birthday present from my mum, to make the outfit look a little less girly and more kickass. My ebony hair is curled and left wild, just the way I know Edward likes it. Not that it's all for him, but what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't try to entice my boyfriend into sneaking off for some alone time.

I'm brought out of my more pleasant thoughts when suddenly Bella says grimly,

"JP was going to kill himself."

I almost swerve off the God damn road.

"What the fuck?" I snap at her, unable to keep the horror out of my voice.

Bella gives me mopey eyes and says,

"If I died in Phoenix, he didn't want to live without me."

"That's...I mean...he can't..." I trial off, not having the words to describe how upset I am right now. Killing yourself...suicide...it's not something to joke about. It's a very serious thing to contemplate. For JP to be willing to do something like that...speaks of a very unhealthy situation. A situation that my sister is equally part of.

"You wouldn't ever...do that...would you?" I ask her cautiously.

Bella looks at me, seemingly startled,

"No, of course not...after everything that happened with you...no. Never."

"Not even if JP died." I ask the question, even though I'm terrified of the answer.

When Bella hesitates, my heart sinks.

"No...I wouldn't...don't say things like that," Bella mutters quietly.

I'm not sure how to respond. So I don't. A dark cloud of foreboding claws at my insides.

When we arrive at the Cullens, my bad mood lifts slightly because I see the Japanese lanterns hanging from the trees all around the house. There are beautiful pink and purple flowers scattered all over the place, some in pots and others just strewn around randomly. Or seemingly random anyway, I'm quite sure that Pixie carefully planned every bit of this party down to the very last detail. I have images in my mind of Cracky, Edward and Muscles being forced to artfully arrange flowers. The thought makes me snicker gleefully. Bella groans and covers her face with her hands. I bite back the comment that she looks better with her face covered. It won't help to get bitchy, even though this is twice now that Bella has all but ruined by birthday buzz.

Edward and JP come out of the front door and over to meet us by Gordan as we both vacate the vehicle. Edward kisses me tenderly, and I wrap my arms around his waist. I allow myself to feel the rush of excitement that always travels through me at Edward's touch. When he pulls back Ward meets my eyes, and a fire ignites between us. He leans back a little to take me in completely and then says,

"I didn't think it was possible for you to look any sexier than you always do to me, but you've just proved me very wrong."

I laugh and knock my fist against his hard stomach,

"That's what I live for, proving you wrong."

"Sometimes I do wonder if you were sent by the universe to test me. My restraint, that is," Edward is still looking at me like he wants to drag me away from the party and have me up against a tree. To be honest, by this point, I would do nothing to stop him.

I snort out a laugh then, and Edward frowns,

"What's funny?"

I try to stifle my laughter and fail horribly,

"Tree fetish, remember."

Edward laughs then too and pulls my body closer to his again.

"I remember you saying you had sex dreams about trees."

I slap his arm and huff,

"I had dreams about kissing you against a tree. That's not the same thing as having sex with trees."

"Sure, whatever you say," Edward says, smirking at me knowingly. Asshole.

From somewhere over Edward's shoulder I hear someone say,

"What are they on about now?"

And another person reply,

"They're talking about sexy trees."

"Why?"

"Because they're insane, why else?"

"Hey," I call over to them, "there's nothing wrong with a little nature appreciation."

Edward starts to laugh again, and his chest vibrates against my cheek. I bury my face in his neck and nibble a little at the patch of skin at his collar bone. Edward makes a growling sound and I pull back with a smirk of my own.

"Come on then, you two, if you stand out here for much longer Alice will be forced to manhandle you inside," JP calls over to us.

Edward and I break apart slightly, he takes my hand and we make our way up to the house.

Inside, everyone is waiting there for me and Bella, and they all shout 'Happy Birthday Ever and Bella!'. It's actually quite sweet. Just as I thought, Pixie has decorated the house to the nines, it looks more like a Hollywood after party than a eighteenth for two local girls. There are roses and purple flowers and crystals and, Jesus, is that a bubble machine? Yep, I think it's a bubble machine. Holy crapolly, the cake is massive. Or I should say cakes. There are two. One of them is round and pink, decorated with roses and silver patterns. It has 'Bella' iced on it in fancy lettering. The other cake is purple and shaped like a Unicorn, the horn is golden and has 'Ever' engraved into it. Awesomeness on a stick!

Carlisle and Esme, Edward's utterly wonderful parents, come forward to hug me first. I throw myself at them and babble excitedly about how amazing this all is. I've never had someone throw me a party even remotely like this. Esme kisses my cheek gently and smiles, a pleased contentment to her expression. Carlisle wraps an arm around my shoulders and squeezes. Not at full strength obviously, or I'd be crushed like a bug.

"We're so glad you like it," he whispers to me.

I look at him in astonishment,

"Like it? I freakin' love it! Thank you so much!"

Carlisle chuckles and squeezes me again affectionately. He and Esme move to embrace Bella, who looks about ready to vomit. I have no idea what her problem is, or actually I do, I just think it's stupid.

I give Pixie a massive hug,

"You are the best, Pix, thanks so much for this, you really didn't have to."

Pixie grins at me and shakes her head,

"We wanted to, the last birthday we got to celebrate was Emmett's and that was a long time ago."

"Plus, you're part of the family now," Cracky comes up from behind and pats my shoulder familiarly. I know Cracky finds it the hardest to be around humans, so I appreciate his kindness. Emmett is next and he sweeps me up into his arms. I laugh loudly and hug him back. It's like being embraced by a bear.

"Happy B-day, little sis." Emmett says, a big manic smile on his face, "You better take care of our Edward, now that you're the designated adult."

I crack up giggling like a twit again, but I can't help it, the excitement is getting to me.

"Shut it, you big fatty, get off," I shove him mockingly away from me. Well, it has to be mocking, as there's no way I could get Emmett to let go with my actual strength.

Rosalie looks me up and down, and says cooly,

"Nice boots."

I hold my arms out wide and say,

"Now...come on...give me a big awkward hug. We can stand here awkwardly, and hug for a very long time, making everyone uncomfortable. You know you want to." I wiggle my fingers at her.

Queen Bee gives me a look of abject horror and snaps,

"No."

"Oh, come on-"

"No."

"Just a little hug then."

"No."

"A sideways hug?"

"No."

"A kiss on the cheek?"

"No."

"A handshake?"

"No."

"Eskimo kiss?"

" _No._ I will not do anything to encourage the belief that I like you. Because I do not like you. At all. Do you understand?"

"I understand," I reply solemnly, and then,"pinkie swear?"

"Oh for the love of God!" Queen Bee announces, and wonders of all wonders ladies and gentlemen, she envelopes me in the weirdest hug ever. She's clearly trying not to touch me too much, as her body is angled away from mine, her cold arms hold me stiffly.

"If you dare hug me back I will destroy you," she practically hisses.

I have never felt so loved.

I tell her so, and she sighs loudly.

"Time for presents!" Alice announces when Rosalie finally lets go of me,

and she all but drags Bella and I over to a table full of silver wrapped gifts.

"Oh, Alice, I said didn't want anything-" Bella starts.

Pixie cuts her off though,

"Yeah, and I didn't listen," she looks smug, "Now, both of you, open them!"

"Nope," Edward says, coming out from the woodwork to stand at my side, "I've been waiting for weeks to give her my presents and I'm doing it now before you lot take over. Hold off on opening these till later." There's a certain amount of command in his voice. Edward rarely uses that tone with anyone, let alone his own family, so he must be really keyed up about this.

Fortunately the Cullens don't bat an eye, not that they even need to blink anyway. They must already be aware of what's making Edward so nervous. I look up at him curiously.

"No problem, you two go and talk, and we'll wait." Pixie says firmly.

Bella looks relieved that she won't have to open any presents yet. The freak. I reach over to gently squeeze her hand. I'm really worried about her. This whole thing with JP...it's even worse than I first thought.

I try to banish those bad thoughts from my mind as Edward leads me upstairs to his room.

When Ward closes the door behind us I ask,

"Why are you so worried? Anything you got me I'll love, because it's from you, ok." Which is true. Just the fact that he cares so much if I like what he's gotten me is enough.

Edward actually wrings his hands and says,

"I know, and that's one of the reasons why I love you. But...you'll understand in a minute."

Before I can respond, Edward is moving over to his wardrobe. He comes back with one long wrapped box, a much smaller wrapped box, and one envelope. He places the gifts on his 'bed'/sofa and then looks up at me.

"Is there a particular order you want me to open them in?" I ask him, trying to contain my barely restrained excitement.

Edward actually cracks a smile at that and replies,

"Big one first."

I resist the urge to dance on my toes like a happy goblin. I do not succeed.

Edward laughs, looking a bit less anxious now,

"Stop being cute and open the presents, you mentalist."

I do stop then, and I give him a sly glance before ripping the blue wrapping paper off of the long box. I lift the lid off the box and my eyes widen at the contents. I just about manage to contain a scream of joy. Sort of. It comes out as more of a gasping/squealing sound if I'm being honest.

Edward says,

"I know you were upset about Kevin, and I'm not trying to replace him, but I thought you might like this."

I take the bat out of the box and turn it around it my hands. The wood of the bat isn't just normal brown, it's stripped with three different colours, blue, black and purple. The handle is engraved with the words 'Kevin 2.0.'.

I throw myself at Edward, quite literally, and he catches me again. I wind my body around his, still holding Kevin 2.0.

"I love him! Thank you Ward."

Edward's body seems to relax somewhat and he holds onto me tighter.

"I found it online, there's this online shop where you can have them custom made," Edward explains, and there's a smile in his voice.

"That is the most awesome thing I've ever heard," I say with a loud laugh.

After a few moments of intense hugging, I slide back down Edward's body until I'm standing on my own two feet once more.

Edward looks a little nervous again when he picks up the white envelope and gives it to me. I place Kevin 2.0 onto the bed carefully and open he envelop.

"This is the present that's kind of for both of us," Edward says.

Inside the envelope are three sets of tickets. Two plane tickets to New York. Two tickets for New Yorks annual writers convention and fiction fair. Two tickets for broadway.

I am stunned into silence. And let me tell you, that rarely ever happens to me. I just can't believe he would do this.

"You talked about the annual writers convention a while back, you said you always wanted to go, so I had a look. It's pure luck that Rosalie has a few friends who work for the organisers. Do you...uh...do you like it?" Edward stumbles over his words a little bit, and that's when I realise how truly nervous he really is.

I feel my eyes start to burn, because no one has ever, in my whole life, put so much thought into...well...me. I didn't know it was possible to feel this happy. And it's not even so much the actual gift, it's just that Edward would get it so fucking right. Even though he doesn't know everything about me, Ward still _knows me._ That's the real gift here.

"Oh Ward...this is too much...you can't...I can't possibly accept...but christ I love you for this." I move to press my face into Edward's chest, unable to say anything else without bursting into tears like a big girly baby.

Edward's shoulders, which before were incredibly tense, loosen a little bit.

"Yes you can, you can accept, and you will." There's that commanding tone again.

I look up at Edward and smile, trying to defuse the moment just a tad, I say,

"Fine. I'll go. But I have one question."

Edward's eyebrow rise and he says,

"Ok."

I fix him with my best serious face and ask,

"Who exactly is the other ticket for?"

I start laughing and giggling before I've even finished the sentence and Edward makes an amused growling sound in the back of his throat. He takes my mouth in a ferocious kiss that makes my whole body come alive like a electrical wire. I try to kiss him back, but Edward's control of the kiss is too overpowering. I cling onto him and let myself be kissed, like it's the last kiss we'll ever share.

The last gift is a small wrapped box, and quite clearly holds some kind of jewellery. I don't wear a lot of jewellery, and when I do it's usually pretty plain stuff. Edward's eyes are bright with anticipation as I open the package to reveal a somewhat old style velvet box. I frown up at Edward, not sure what to make of this last present. Edward's expression encourages me to open the box, and so I do.

Inside the velvet box is a simple silver band, except one part of the silver band has been twisted to create the infinity symbol. When I take the ring out of the box I realise that on the inside of the band there is an engraving which reads 'Real love is infinite'. The ring isn't new, it's a bit scuffed and well worn, but that only serves to make it more beautiful to me.

There just aren't words for this.

So I don't say anything at all. Instead I give Edward the ring and hold out my hand. He pauses at first, but then seems to understand the need for silence. Ward pushes the ring onto my finger, and damn it, I'm never taking this thing off.

I reach up to place a gentle kiss on Edward's lips.

Words would ruin this moment, and for once I want something to be perfect. _Just this once_.

When we go back downstairs our hands are clasped and I feel relaxed in a way that makes the whole world shine around me.

Bella lets out a groan at the sight of us and gestures rather rudely at Kevin 2.0,

"You have got to be kidding me," she rumbles.

I brandish Kevin 2.0 at her and say,

"Have some respect, Bella bop, and appreciate the greatness that is Kevin 2.0. Don't be such a hater."

Bella slaps her forehead,

"Oh my God."

Alice comes bounding over and does a little Pixie dance,

"Can they _please_ open our presents now?"

Edward rolls his eyes, regarding his sister with exasperation, but also genuine affection.

"Go on then," he says, and he lets go of my hand.

Pixie wastes no time in dragging me over to the silver packages again, and I smirk at Bella, who openly gapes when she see's the ring on my finger. She'd be a lot more surprised if this ring was on the other hand.

We open the first present together, and even Bella seems genuinely delighted at having a new radio for Gordan. I believe Gordan will be very pleased also, he's been awfully complainy as of late.

"Open mine and John's next!" Pixie exclaims excitedly.

Bella shoots her boyfriend a scary look,

"You promised."

John holds up his hands,

"I spent nothing, as you requested."

Everyone gathers a little closer to have a look. Bella rolls her eyes and sighs.

"Fine, I'll open it."

God, she's being such a birthday grinch today.

Bella slips her finger under the paper and tries to slide it across to rip it open. She gasps slightly and holds up her finger.

"Shoot," she says.

A tiny bubble of blood seeps out of the paper cut on her finger.

Fuck!

"NO!" Edward yells. Before I can even react my boyfriend grabs hold of me and vamp speeds away. His arms hold onto me tight.

JP practically throws Bella over the piano and I cringe away as Cracky snarls. He goes after Bella and I scream for him to stop. JP and Cracky throw down and all hell breaks loose.

"My sister!" I shout at Edward.

Edward's jaw tightens, but he moves fast to snatch my sister up off the ground. JP makes an animalistic sound and come after them. I run to...do...something. To get in the way at least so no one will hurt Bella.

There's a crazed glint to JP's eyes, and I know right then that he's lost in the blood frenzied madness. Him and Cracky both are.

JP smacks me out of the way, and I hit the wall with a loud thump. Distantly I hear Edward roar, completely enraged. Emmett wraps his arms around JP to stop him and Carlisle and Alice are holding onto Cracky.

Rosalie tries to help me stand, my ribs burn with pain, and my head feels foggy. Esme touches my head and I flinch away.

I search the room in a daze for Edward and Bella. When I see them my heart lurches. Edward is holding what looks like a passed out Bella in his arms. When our eyes connect, he comes over to me, dodging around his fighting brothers.

"Get them outside," Carlisle orders.

Rosalie moves away to help Emmett with JP, and Esme goes to open the door for them.

Edward's eyes are panicked and angry. He looks like he wants to drop my sister and embrace me instead, but I'm more grateful than I could ever say that he doesn't. I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now, but I don't think I want to be touched.

A panic attack looms, and I fight it back with all the strength I possess within me. I will have one tonight, that's definite now, but I can put it off for as long as possible.

Carlisle tries to check me over, but I flinch away from him, saying,

"Just help Bella."

He frowns at me, but does as I ask. Edward places Bella on the kitchen table as Carlisle instructs. When he tries to meet my eyes, I look away. I have to.

"A mild concussion," Carlisle announces, "But we'll need to get that glass out her arm."

I'm a little startled to realise that the glass from on top the piano is sticking out of my sister's arm. A feeling of dread spindles up my spine.

"Please, just do it," I say to Carlisle, and even I hear the numbness to my voice.

Bella is awake now and she's scrunching up her face in confusion.

"Of course, this stuff always happens to me," she mumbles.

I reach out to squeeze her hand,

"I know, it's really quite annoying for me."

Bella actually huffs out a laugh and squeezes my hand back. I don't laugh. Because nothing about this is funny to me.

Edward tries to talk to me, and when I look at him my heart breaks at the sorrow and pain in his eyes. I shake my head at him,

"Go outside Edward, talk to your brother and Jasper."

Edward frowns and replies,

"Only if you'll let Carlisle examine you properly...please, Ever, it's killing me to not touch you right now."

Carlisle wisely pretends to not exist, and Bella is too busy concentrating on the pain as Carlisle removes bits of glass from her flesh.

I shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut,

"I know...I just...can't."

"Or won't," Edward says, his voice dead.

I look away from him and whisper firmly,

"Won't."


	2. Stitches

"Say something," Edward whispers, his voice low and harsh.

My mind tumbles in and out of darkness, and it takes all the strength I have inside me not to lose it. I can't have a panic attack in front of Edward. Not right now, not after this.

I allowed Edward to drive me home. Bella is in the backseat. JP wanted to take her, but I refused. I don't trust him anymore. Then again, I never did. I wish I could say I trust Edward completely. Most of me does, and the ring on my finger tugs at my heart. It compels me to tell Edward I'm not upset with him. The truth is, it's not really about me being pissed off or anything like that, I've just had enough bullshit.

I cannot let my sister continue to have a relationship with a man who is so easily unbalanced. I'm not even angry at Jasper, he's always been on edge, and they never lied to either of us about that. But JP is supposed to love Bella enough to stop himself. That's what Edward did, I saw it in his eyes. His love for me blazed, and he kept calm even though part of him must have been screaming to let go.

That's what you do when you love someone, you put your own desires aside, no matter how strong they may be, if it means protecting the one you love. I'd do just about anything for Edward, and despite how cold things are between us at this very moment I have no doubt that we'll figure things out eventually.

"I'm not angry at you," I tell Edward after a long stretch of silence.

Edward's face changes then, pain filling his eyes like blood leaking from a cut. I've opened a wound in him, and I never meant to do that.

Edward's voice is a little bit stronger now though when he says,

"I'm so sorry for...everything. I know Bella is more important to you than anyone else, but Jasper-"

"I'm not angry at Jasper either," I say firmly.

Edward frowns at me in confusion,

"You're clearly...upset, Ev's. Who else could you be mad at?"

I turn to him, outright fury buzzing through my nerves,

"Who else? Who else? Uh, let me think, maybe your twin psycho!"

Edward's hands clench the steering wheel,

"I know, I'm pissed off at him too. He hit you. We'll be having words about that." Edward sounds dangerous, and a shiver goes up my spine.

"That isn't what I meant, Ward," I shake my head, "He went after Bella."

"He was trying to protect her," Edward argues.

I let my gaze pierce into Edward,

"Like hell he was. You didn't see the look in his eyes, he was lost, Edward. Your brother would have torn Bella apart if the rest of your family hadn't of stopped him."

"You can't be sure of that, John loves Bella," Edward seems to be trying to convince himself as much as he is me.

"Not enough," I say finally. JboombasticP was a monster in those few seconds, and I saw it on his face, even if no one else did. I don't want him around Bella any more. But I can't say that to Edward, at least not right now, all of our emotions are running too high for a proper discussion.

So instead of arguing I reach over and place my hand on Edward's leg. He looks at me, clearly surprised that I'm touching him, but he appears pleased too.

"I don't want to fight with you right now, Ward. It was a great birthday until Bella ruined it."

Edward coughs out a laugh, but the hope in his eyes cannot be hidden by humour. He covers my hand with his and says,

"I promise to make things right, Ev's. I love you, you're the most important person in my world."

"I know," I murmur.

"Infinity, remember," Edward whispers, and he strokes over the ring on my finger.

I smile to myself,

"Yeah, infinity." I turn my hand so we can lace our fingers together against his leg. We spend the rest of the drive home holding onto each other like that.

When we get inside Dad is sitting on the sofa watching some kind of sport. Maybe baseball. Or football. I don't know, but there's definitely a ball involved somewhere.

"Hey Dad," I call out. Bella is practically hanging off of me, her body heavy and somehow relaxed. She appears tired, but other than that no worse for wear. That doesn't make it better though. Next time the story could be completely different. I will not allow there to be a next time.

"Ev, Bell, did you have fun at the party?"

Bella actually raises her head at that and replies,

"It was good. Alice went overboard with cake and flowers and presents."

I roll my eyes, unable to help myself,

"Yeah, it's almost like she thought it was someone's birthday."

Bella shoots daggers at me, and I smile widely back at her.

"Well, what did they get you?" Dad asks, ignoring his daughters casual disdain for each other.

I hold up Kevin 2.0 and say,

"New bat for snuffing out intruders."

Dad eyes Kevin 2.0 and raises an eyebrow,

"Not for playing baseball then?"

I scrunch my nose up,

"Why would I play baseball with my sidekick?"

"Because he's-its." Dad corrects himself, "a baseball bat."

I shake my head at my ignorant father,

"That's called labelling, Dad, and it is unacceptable. I won't have anyone oppressing my bat. He can have dreams of his own."

Bella groans at me, and Dad just stares for a good few seconds before pretending I'm not insane by nodding and turning back to the TV. I have a good father.

"What happened to your arm?" Dad asks Bella as we make our way towards the stairs.

"I tripped," Bella mumbles, her face flushing red.

"Face planted into some glass," I add.

Dad sighs heavily,

"Oh, Bella."

"I know, I know."

My bad mood is back at the mention of Bella's arm. Carlisle explained to me that Bella will be fine as long as she doesn't rip her stitches. But knowing Bella she'll probably trip over her own forehead and damage herself further.

"You're angry," Bella says to me once we are safely inside our room, with the door firmly closed.

"Oh, very perceptive, Bella. Congratulations, yes, I am very angry." I throw the words at her like knives, unable to stop the harshness of my tone.

Bella winces and sits down on her bed,

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin things."

I make a frustrated sound at her,

"Bella, you idiot, I'm not angry at you! It was hardly your fault. People get paper cuts, it happens. I'm angry because your boyfriend tried to fucking kill you!"

Bella's eyes widen in shock,

"You know what they are, it's not their fault that they can't control themselves sometimes!" Bella argues vehemently.

I make a slashing motion through the air and place Kevin 2.0 down onto my own bed.

"I'm not talking about all of the Cullens, Bella. I'm talking about John-Paul. He should be able to control himself around you. You should be able to trust him."

Bella scoffs, her expression turning somewhat nasty,

"Oh, like you trust Edward."

I grit my teeth and snap defensively,

"I do trust Edward. He didn't try to attack me. Or you for that matter."

Bella stands up again and glares hard at me,

"Have you told him about your panic attacks?"

My fists clench, of course she'd go down that route,

"He knows I have them sometimes."

"Does he know why?" Bella demands, her brown eyes sparking with determination.

No, he doesn't know why. There are only four people in this whole world who know why. The full story anyway.

"I have panic attacks for a lot of reasons," I reply weakly, "I always have."

"Bullshit," Bella practically hisses at me, "you know what I mean. Have you told Edward about your mental breakdown? Have you told him about your stay at the mental institution? Have you told him about..."she appears to pale even more as she says, "Drake?"

My insides shrivel, and my world spins out of control. We don't speak that name. I hate that name. My whole body clenches like a fist, and keeping the panic attack at bay is now a physical task.

I point at Bella, my hands already shaking,

"Fuck you for using Him against me!"

Bella looks extremely guilty for about a second, but we're both far too angry for guilt to last,

"And fuck you for thinking you know what's best for me. I love John, and he loves me. Deal with it!"

I try so hard not to lose it, I wrap my arms around myself and fight to stay standing, to keep breathing. How does breathing work again? Right, in, out, in, out. One, two, one, two. I close my eyes to block out the look of fury on my sister's face. But that only makes it worse because in my mind's eye I see a different face, this one is contorted too, like a beast from hell come to drag me back down.

Bella is there then, and she's trying to touch me. But it doesn't feel like her, it feels like someone else and I barely control the urge to scream. To scream and scream and scream until my vocal cords turn to dust.

It takes every bit of my willpower to crawl up onto the bed, refusing to let the bathtub tempt me back into it's safety. I curl up on it, into a tight ball and bite down onto my hand, hoping the feeling of pain will shove conscious thought into my head. I know Bella is talking to me, but it sounds like she's so far away, and I don't know how to get back to her. I'm one slip away from drowning, and I need all of my concentration for this to work. I need to rise up and breathe. Just breathe.

...

Bella must leave me alone at some point because when I next open my eyes it's clearly the middle of the night. Bella is asleep in her own bed, thank fuck, and I'm still curled up on top of the bed sheets. I rub at my sensitive eyes, and my face itches from having been scrunched up whilst I was out for the count. I don't remember falling into the abyss of sleep and that scares me a little. I hate not remembering things, but my condition tends to make that the case more often than not when I get upset like that.

I don't really know how to explain the feeling, it's like waking up from a bad dream, a nightmare that can only just touch the edge of my memory. It's something I've been dealing with almost my entire life, so by this point I should be used it. The little white pills make it slightly easier, more manageable is probably the right word. But nothing in this world will ever make me better. I'm stuck like this. No matter who I become, or what I do with my life, I'll always be just a little bit out of sync with the world. Just a little bit broken on the inside. Just a little bit lost to the shadows that haunt us all. I really wish I was being over dramatic, but I'm not, that's the way it is for me. I just have to get over it and deal. That's what we all do, I suppose. We put up with all the shit, because there isn't any other choice. Not really.

I lay there for a while, trying desperately not to think. Eventually that gets boring, not to mention pointless, so I move to take out my phone. I have four messages on there. One from Edward, one from Jacob, one from Beany, and another from a number I don't recognise. I open the one from Beany first, and realise suddenly that I left Robbie the top hat at the Cullens. They better not violate my God damn hat over there. Nah, I'm sure Edward will protect his virtue. If Pixie gets a hold of him he'll end up decorated with sparkles and feathers, the poor top hat.

**_"Hey Sid, how was the party at your twoo wuvs house? Still not sure if I'm relieved or annoyed not to get an invite. I am their new cafeteria buddy after all. xoxox"_ **

I smile to myself and consider replying, but it's three in the morning. Beany will probably still answer though, because he loves me, but I can talk to him tomorrow anyway.

I open the one with the strange number next, and it takes a while for the words to really sink in as I read them.

**_"Hi Ever, it's Mike. I mean this me, Mike, texting you. I know you said to call but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. I just wanted to say, I'm sorry. I know you think that's probably bullshit, but I am truly sorry. I know I fucked up big time with Eric as well. I just didn't think I had any other choice. My Dad...he'll never accept me being...well, that way. I don't really care about everyone else, at school and stuff, but I care what my family thinks. I can't help it, I just do. I still love him. Eric. I think I always will no matter how much he hates me. Anyways, you probably don't even give a shit about any of this, but I gotta tell somebody, other wise I'll...I dunno, cry like a fucking girl or something."_ **

Well...fuck. I didn't expect that much openness right off the bat. Nothing in that text surprises me though, I pretty much figured most of it out for myself. It's clear to me, even if it isn't to Beany, that Goldy still has a massive thing for him. He stares at him all dopey when he thinks no one is looking. It's kinda pathetic, but I feel for him. That does it then, I'm gonna have to be Goldy's friend now. I opened the barrier, now I have to deal with the flood. I sigh internally, this isn't going to easy, or fun.

I open Edward's text and my heart speeds up a little,

**_"I miss you. Yes, I am that sad. I love you like all those bad romantic movies say I should. I love you like fat children love cake. I need you in my life like fishes need bikes, because they clearly do, how else are they supposed to enter BMX tournaments? I want you like a tiger wants the most badass Unicorn in existence. I love you for infinity, Everlyna Swan."_ **

Tears fill my eyes, making them burn. God, he's such a romantic asshole. It should be cheesy as all hell, but Edward has a way of making it feel right.

I'm smiling as I open the text from Jay,

**_"I really want to see you tomorrow. I have your gift all ready and waiting, you little old witch. Let me know if you're free, if not then...well I just really hope you are free. Tell fang boy to share you for once, yeah. Bring him along if you must, but be warned that there will be a lot of glaring. Happy Day of birth, Lyna! x"_ **

I snort out a laugh and quickly type my reply,

**_"Always free for gifts. And his name is Edward, he might like you better if you start using it."_ **

There's a short pause and then,

**_"Who said I want him to like me? Because whoever it was, they're a big fat liar. So I'll see you tomorrow night, yes?"_ **

I roll my eyes, but reply,

**_"If I must x."_ **

**_"Are you alright? Has something happened?"_ **

I'm startled by the question, not because it's unlike Jacob to ask, but because he knows me well enough to recognise when I'm upset even through text. I can't imagine anyone else knowing me like that.

**_"Just having some bad memories come back to haunt me."_ **

There's a heavy pause before Jacob texts back,

**_"Sometimes I wonder if all I'll ever have are bad memories of the past."_ **

**_"I know the feeling."_ **

**_"But that doesn't mean the present has to be ruined by them, Lyna. They're just ghosts. Remember that, bad memories, they're just ghosts."_ **

Yeah, well sometimes ghosts can hurt you.

**_"I know that. I just wish..."_ **

**_"Yeah, me too. If you need me, then you can call and I'll be there. I'll always be here if you need me, you do understand that, right?"_ **

**_"I do. And it goes both ways, don't you forget that."_ **

**_"I'll hold you to it."_ **

**_"You better."_ **

I let my head fall back against the bed, my phone discarded on my stomach as I enjoy the night air. Wait, hold on, night air? Since when do we keep the window open? Owls could get in for Christ's sake and eat us while we sleep. And then I remember why the window would be open. JP and his creepy sleeping fetish. I grab Kevin 2.0 and roll out of bed. If JP thinks he's coming into this house tonight then he is sorely mistaken. It's only when I reach the window that I see a shadow moving around outside. God damn it JdingdongP, I've had enough of this shit!

"JP," I hiss out of the window, knowing he will hear me even if I'm whispering, "you wait right there, I'm coming out." I shut the window and rush to grab my dark blue coat. I put on some fluffy winter boots too. The last thing I want to do whilst I'm beating JP's ass is to freeze to death. I'm careful to sneak out of the room without waking Bella. Lucky for me both my sister and my Dad are heavy sleepers. I take Kevin 2.0 with me, for obvious reasons. When I get outside I move towards the forest path, hoping JP will get the hint and follow me. I am fully aware that this is possibly a stupid move on my part. JP could easily murder me. But I'm banking on his common sense, as well as his love for his brother. JP may not like me, but he's respectful of me because of Edward, the same way Edward is respectful toward Bella. When I'm a good distance away from my house I turn around. I'm not surprised to see JP standing behind me. I didn't hear him follow, because he's a fucking silent vampy person, but I've come to realise that there's always a certain tense feeling in the air when the Cullens are around.

I shift Kevin 2.0 around in my hand to get a better grip just in case JP tries anything funny. JP watches me for a long time, studying me as if I'm some sort of fascinating creature that he just doesn't believe exists. The irony of that thought isn't lost on me.

Eventually though he says, his voice hard,

"I know that I made a mistake today-"

"A mistake? You would have ripped my sister apart. I know it, and so do you. Lets not pretend here," I snap impatiently. I'm not willing to dance around the subject for the sake of his denial.

JP winces, and I see a crack in his emotionless façade. His eyes fill with pain and grief and so much guilt that it literally hurts to see it. He looks so much like Edward in that moment that my heart stutters in response. I try to push the feeling away. Just because this man looks like Edward doesn't mean he's a good man like Edward is. I know full well that Bella and I are almost nothing alike.

"You're right," JP says finally, "I crossed a line that can never be uncrossed and now you don't trust me."

I never trusted you.

"Look," I say, rubbing the space between my eyes because a headache is beginning to bloom there, "I believe that you love my sister, God knows she obsessed with you. And that's part of the problem. If the incident at your house was the only issue, then maybe, given time, I could move past it. For Bella's sake, and for Edward's. But, in case you haven't noticed, my sister has very low self esteem, like, abnormally low. And she thinks you're the best thing that will ever happen to her. She thinks she can't live without you. And that frightens the shit out of me," I take a deep shuddering breathe and run a hand through my hair. JP has a look of dismay on his face, but he also doesn't appear surprised. I'm not sure whether to feel better or worse because of that. I press on when JP says nothing.

"You have to understand that Bella is my sister, and I would do anything to protect her. In all honesty, I don't think you're good for her. I don't think your relationship is healthy. I know it's not my right to make those kind of decisions for Bella, and that's why I haven't pushed anything. But after what happened, seeing you lose control like that...no. I don't care if she hates me forever for it, but I can't let you hurt her. Tell me you understand what I'm saying here, JP."

JP doesn't reply, he just stares at me. There is heartbreak in his eyes, but I hold firm against it. There's a moment then, when the whole forest seems to dim around us, and the night air gets a little bit more chilled. A foreboding feeling creeps up my spine, and I try desperately to ignore it. But when our gazes lock, I realise that maybe I have a reason to fear his next words.

"You want me to leave," he says coolly.

I shake my head,

"That isn't what I said. I meant for you to let Bella have some space. She needs it even if she's too stubborn to realise that right now."

JP stares at me some more, and that foreboding feeling worsens. He explains softly,

"I cannot be in Forks and stay away from her as you want me to. My will power, and her stubbornness will not allow for it. She won't move on from me if I'm still here. I will have to leave, tell me that **you** understand **that** , Ever."

I grit my teeth against the bitter truth. He's right, Bella will never let go as long as she still see's a chance for them to be together. I nod at him stiffly.

"Will you do it?" I ask him, "Will you leave?"

My heart beat sounds so loud in the silence that follows that question. JP seems to become even paler, if that's possible, and he says firmly,

"Yes. I've spoken to my family about the situation already. They aren't pleased with it, but they understand the need."

My eyes widen in surprise. I can't imagine Edward being ok with his brother leaving. That bad feeling claws at me, screaming at me to understand something I'm missing. A terrible thought enters my mind.

"You aren't leaving alone, are you," it isn't really a question. A part of me knows the answer.

JP shakes his head, the hurt and guilt seems to be eating him alive.

"My family and I will go. That is what is best for Bella."

All I can think about is Edward, my Ward, leaving me. Even the thought threatens to make me pass out with the pain of it. I love Edward so much that losing him would rip something vital out of me.

" _Edward_ ," I hear the catch in my own voice.

"And that, is the other problem," JP states with a heavy sigh. He meets my eyes as he says, "My brother and I have been together for many years. Rarely have we ever been parted for more than a few weeks. Edward has stood by me through the worst times in my existence. I have done the same for him. We are stronger together. Even though Edward and I love the rest of our family, we are loyal to each other above all else. But tonight, when I suggested leaving, my brother was ready to tell me goodbye. My own brother was willing to cast me aside. For _you_."

Equal feelings of both elation and dread fill my heart, and my body seems to tighten. I don't like where this is going at all.

"I won't leave without my brother, Ever," JP tells me, and his expression is stone cold. He won't argue with me over this point. JP will not leave Forks without Edward. Bella will not give up on JP as long as he's here. And Edward will not leave Forks as long as he and I are together.

There really is only one solution. Too bad that even the thought of it makes me want to be sick.

"I know what I have to do," I get the words out, although I have no idea how because the lump in my throat is constricting my ability to breathe.

Fuck, don't start thinking about breathing you idiot.

JP nods once, tight and firm, and says gently,

"I'm sorry it has to be like this. But," he looks hard at me for a long moment before continuing, "if we're really being honest here. I don't think you're good for my brother any more than I am for your sister."

The horrid truth of that strikes me. He's right. I'm not good for Edward. I hurt him all the time, I push him away, I outright lie to him. I hate lying. But I'd hate even more for Bella to destroy herself over JP. She'll be crazy for a while when he's gone. She'll feel pain like no other, as will I by losing Edward. But I have to beleive she'll fight her way through it. I know I can survive the worst kind of pain, I already know how far I can push myself before I break. This will just be one more massive wall to climb. I have to keep telling myself that. I have to keep pretending that Edward leaving won't be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. And that's really saying something.

Just in case you were all wondering, I do hit JP with Kevin 2.0 on my way back to the house. And yes, Kevin 2.0 rises victorious.


	3. The End

I am a coward. A worthless coward. I should feel ashamed of myself.

Instead of talking to Edward first thing this morning, as I should have, I chose to avoid him. Like a bitch.

I just need the day to think about what I'm going to say. Edward knows me so well now, that I'm afraid he'll be able to tell that I'm lying. I don't truly want my boyfriend to leave me, but to protect Bella I will send him away. There are worse things in this world than having your heart broken. I've experienced a few of those worse things already in my life. If I survived those terrible moments, then I can take this one on as well. I love Ward, he's the only man I've ever known who has ever made me feel special, like I matter. Giving that up will be difficult, but to be honest I'm more worried about Edward. I don't want him to hurt him, that was never my intention. I hope he'll see that, given time.

I texted Beany to say I'd be skipping school today, and he insisted on coming with me. I also rang Edward to tell him that after last night I need some space to think, and he reluctantly agreed to let me have it. I think he sensed something in my tone, because he asked me at least five times if I was sure I didn't want him to come and be with me. So that we could talk.

God no, I hate all this talking. I need to write something, push all this out of my mind for a while and just...exist. But I don't want to be a complete anti-social emo child like Bella bop, so I allowed Beany to accompany me.

We sit together now in his car, parked near the beach. I have my favourite notebook out on my lap and I'm writing a story about a sand monster who's always dreamed of becoming a famous hip hop dancer. Hey, sand can have dreams to, ok. Don't judge. Sanford, the sand monster, has some kickass dance moves.

Beany was doing his lit homework, and we have our favourite S club CD playing. Yes, me and by GBFF enjoy S Club, deal with it. But suddenly Beany drops his pen in frustration and my attention is snagged. My hand has finally stopped twitching enough for me to tare myself away from the story I was writing. I raise an eyebrow, waiting for the inevitable spew of words that are about to come out of Beany's face. I've been waiting for it for a while now. I patiently sit here, watching him, as Beany stares straight ahead. His eyes are hooded, and appear a lot darker than usual. They always do when he's upset. Beany fiddles with his fingers, another nervous habit of his.

Eventually Beany says,

"Oh for fuck a ducks sake, has he talked to you or not?"

I feign confusion and ask,

"Who could you possibly be speaking of?"

Beany slides me a look that could turn a lesser woman to stone. He's got his bitch face on right now, and it takes everything in me not to laugh. It would definitely be scary mind you, if I didn't already know that he likes to mix his coco pops with rice krispies and then calls it breakfast multiculturalism. It's hard to be afraid of someone once you have that kind of knowledge in your head about them.

"Sid, I'm serious here."

"Well there's a first time for everything then, apparently." I try not to smirk too obviously.

Beany sighs and rubs a hand over his forehead, he seems stressed out, and I immediately put my own issues about Edward aside to fully concentrate on Beany.

"Ah, come on, I'm joking. No, I haven't exactly spoken to him. He sent me a text. A long one," a very personal and slightly whiny one, "but I can't tell you what it said. As much as it pains me to say this, I want to be Goldy's friend. Part of that will mean not talking about him with you behind his back."

Beany shifts in his seat and grumbles like a pissy moose, but then he nods once.

"Yeah, ok. But...just...if there's anything I can do to...help..."

"I'll let you know," I tell him with an understanding smile.

I know that just because you break it off with someone, that doesn't automatically mean you stop caring for them. That thought tugs me back to Edward and my current dilemma.

"Edward is leaving town. With the rest of the Cullens" I say. Beany's attention snaps back to me, a growing concern in his eyes. I need to talk about this with someone, and the only other person apart from Edward who I trust enough is...well...Jacob. And talking to Jay about breaking up with Edward wouldn't be right. I don't really know why, it just wouldn't be, I feel it in my gut.

"What do you mean Prince charmlarmadingdong is leaving? Why? Are you going with him? Please say no, I need you and your shmagical presence in my life. I am nothing without your unwise wisdom. Is Bella upset? Jesus, I'd expect her to be bawling her tiny mousy eyes out if JP was leaving. Or is Bella going with them? Oh my God, are you and stud-muffin going to have a double wedding with Bella and Prince not-so-charming? Is this you inviting me? I better get an invite damn it! I will be your man of honour, and that's final. Jacob the hot childhood friend will just have to be the fucking flower girl or something! He will NOT take my place! I will duel him!" I let Beany keep going until he runs out of steam. That's usually the best way to deal with him when he goes full on rambly diva at me.

When Beany finally stops talking, I place a hand on his arm and address a few issues,

"Ok, well first of all, please do not call my boyfriend 'stud-muffin', because although it is true, Edward has a weird thing about there being muffin halves-"

"Muffins are never in halves, they are always whole," Beany interjects firmly.

I nod in agreement,

"Of course, but I don't want to argue with him when he's being THAT silly. Second of all, of course you would be my maid of honour, I wouldn't have it any other way."

" _Man_ of honour. **Man**." Beany corrects.

I shrug,

"Whatever you have to tell yourself princess-"

"I am NOT a fairy princess!" Beany all but shouts.

Yeah, we still haven't moved on from that.

I wave a hand dismissively,

"Yeah, yeah, sure your majesty, whatever you say," I swiftly move on before he can protest any further, "Right, now thirdly, Edward and the Cullens are leaving because of...personal family drama. I am not going with them. Bella is most definitely not going with them," we're the reason they're freakin' leaving, "But I think it's best for all of us."

Beany's eyes widen almost comically,

" _Best for all of us_...what the frikty frak are you on about you fool?"

I punch Beany on the arm and he pretends to fall back against the door dramatically. He holds up his fingers and makes them into a cross, and then he brandishes the finger cross at me. Beany says,

"Back away you little demon! There's no need to kill me, my virtue is sacred!"

"You deserve it you...bubble head!"

Beany gasps in mock outrage and he pokes me,

"Blowfish!"

I poke him back,

"Dummy!"

A poke war ensues. Along with insults.

"Dick!"

Poke.

"Biatch!"

Poke.

"Hoe!"

Poke.

"Asshole!"

Two pokes.

"Unicorn imposter!"

I shake my fist at him,

"Filthy mudblood!"

Beany places a hand over his heart,

"Woah...woah...I'm just a lowly Hufflepuff, leave me alone."

I scrunch up my nose,

"What's a Hufflepuff?"

Beany frowns and shrugs,

"I don't know...I think it's yellow or some shit."

Fair enough.

Beany and I fall about laughing inside his car, and it feels extremely good just to let go of some of the tension I've been feeling since speaking to JprattleP. I know that maybe this might end up being the wrong choice. I could regret it, or Bella might hate me. But, in the end, this was always going to happen. I don't want to be a vampire, I just don't. So there's really nowhere Edward and I could have gone from here. I fell in love with a wonderful man who loves me deeply in return. I won't scorn that by lying to myself. If Edward were human...hell, I don't know, maybe we would work out, get married even at some point if we wanted to, and Edward would want to because he's just that kinda guy. But, we could also have not worked out, we could have broken up horribly. Just because we love each other doesn't mean everything will be alright. Sometimes love isn't enough to make a relationship work. My parents taught me that, if nothing else.

"How are you not upset about this, Sid?" Beany asks me when we've stopped laughing.

My hands clench into fists and I look up at Beany, he must see something powerful in my eyes, because his expression turns to one of pure dismay.

"It's breaking my heart," I tell him honestly, my voice catching on the last word.

Beany pulls me into a weird car sideward hug and squeezes me tightly.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. There's really nothing else to say.

"I know." I squeeze him back even tighter.

"Is there any way that you could-" Beany starts, but I cut him off.

"No. Edward needs to leave, and I need to stay. That's just the way it has to be."

Beany's shoulder sag,

"I can't imagine he would leave you by choice, Sid. That crazy stone creature loves you. And not in a jokey teeangery way either. He _really_ loves you."

"I know that too."

"But then why?"

"I wasn't built for having a loving relationship," I admit wearily, "It's not who I am right now."

It hurts so much because it's the truth. A truth I've been ignoring since the first time Edward kissed me.

But I can't ignore it any more. For Bella's sake. For Edward's. For mine.

...

I decide to talk with Edward. I should really go and meet with Jay first, but the truth is I think I'll need a distraction, once I'm done hurting both myself and Edward in ways I never wanted to.

He comes right over when I call.

Bella and JP are together...somewhere, having a very similar conversation I'm sure. But I don't want to think about them. This is about me and Edward. I need it to stay that way if I'm going to get through this.

When I see Edward pull up in his car, I run out to meet him. A wide smile spreads over my face and the ring on my hand feels like it's burning. Edward smiles back at me, but...there's something new in his eyes. Something dark and almost...wary. Like he's afraid of me. I don't know why, but I see it clear as day.

He knows. Or he at least knows something bad is about to happen. I worry that maybe JP told him, and it's in that moment that I realise I cannot lie to him. This is Edward, my Ward, the man I love beyond all reason. If I lie to him about this then...well I won't be able to live with it.

I throw myself into his arms, and Edward gathers me up close to him. Our bodies seem to mould together perfectly in that moment. I hold onto him for a long time, not wanting to let go. Not ever.

When Edward pulls back and tries to kiss me, I stop him. No. If he kisses me then things will happen and I'll tell myself to wait until tomorrow. Edward's kisses always make me lose my head, I can't trust myself.

I meet his gaze as I say,

"We have to talk about something important."

Edward appears to steel himself, but a brief flicker of pain passes over his face. I wince without meaning to, and Edward looks away.

"Yes, I think we do."

He takes my hand, and my heart skips a few more beats than usual when he runs his thumb over the infinity ring.

I lead him into the house. Lucky for us, Charlie is away on a fishing trip for a few days, so we have the house to ourselves. If the fiasco on my birthday hadn't happened, then I would be using this time alone for something completely different. I'd have to kill of emo one and emo two first, but still.

We stand in the living room together for a long moment, not saying anything. When I pull away and put a bit of distance between us, Edward speaks.

"You need to tell me what's going on with you, Ever, because otherwise I'm just going to keep imagining the worst."

I turn back around to face him, and the hurt and anger I see on Edward's face makes me feel shitty for not doing this sooner. I shouldn't have made him worry about me. I hate the thought of hurting him any more than I have to.

"You're leaving," is all I can choke out.

Edward's eyes widen, but he doesn't appear that shocked. Instead he seems pissed off.

"Is that what John said to you?" he snaps.

I hug my arms around my body, and say,

"No. Well yes. But I want him to leave. For Bella."

Edward's jaw tightens almost painfully, but his voice is relatively calm when he says,

"I know what happened with your sister was...a betrayl of your trust in us, but-"

I slash a hand through the air, unwilling to talk about this like there's any other option.

"I don't blame you, Ward. I...you need to leave with your brother and your family."

"I will not leave you," Edward says firmly, with a sense of finality in his tone.

"I need you to leave town, Edward," I say quietly, not really trusting myself to look at him.

"I _love_ you!" Edward sounds a bit on the hysterical side now, "I won't just leave because my brother failed to control himself."

"He needs you." I say, honestly meaning it. I wouldn't want to ruin his relationship with his brother. They have all of eternity together after all.

" _I_ need _**you**_ ," Edward argues, he moves closer to me and wraps his hands around my upper arms.

I shake my head,

"No. You got on fine without me before-"

"Yes, before," Edward cuts me off. He forces me to meet his eyes, and I feel my own begin to sting. I see so much love and compassion in his eyes that it kills me to look. "Before I loved you. Before I met the only person who has the ability to make me feel alive, human even, since I became...this."

I can't let that slide, not for anything. I cup his face gently in my hands, effectively pushing us closer together.

"There is nothing wrong with who you are, Ward. I love you, vampire or not. That isn't what this is about."

Edward looks at me intently, his expression almost edging on wild. I've never seen him get this emotional so easily.

"I can't lose you, Ever," Edward whispers. It's a broken whisper, and it hurts me like a knife to the chest, slicing away at my heart.

Hot, salty tears start running down over my cheeks, and I curse myself for being so God damn weak.

It's my weakness for Edward that doesn't let me stop him from leaning in even closer. Our faces are so close now that my tears brush away against his skin. Edward whispers something else, but I don't hear it over the rushing sound in my ears. My breathe comes out in puffs of hot air, and my heart races so fast that it almost hurts. Our lips brush accidentally, and that's all it takes.

Edward takes my mouth in a kiss so ferocious and hard that I think my lip might split open. I don't care though, and I wrap my arms around his neck, urging him to kiss me harder. His tongue pushes inside without asking for entry and my whole body trembles. I let out a long moan and Edward picks me up so that I have no choice but to wind my legs around his waist too. Edward holds me crushed to his body as he ravages my mouth like a man starving for oxygen after being drowned. I nip harshly at his bottom lip and Edward growls. It's a deep growl that vibrates through his chest. I can feel it against my own, and it causes a shiver of excitement to rush through me.

Without warning Edward uses his vampire speed to get us upstairs to my room. My back hits the bed before I can make a noise of protest. Not that I would anyway, I'm far too lost in him. Edward's touch feels electric, just like always, but somehow magnified in a way I can't explain.

Edward's hard, cool, dangerous body covers mine and I notice in my lust filled daze that his jacket is gone. All he has on underneath is a thin grey t-shirt, and it's tight across his chest and arms. I run my hands over his lithe and toned body, wanting to touch every part of him. Edward lets me explore for a few moments before using one hand to whip off my own jacket. Edward takes my mouth again, kissing me feverously, and I press my body up into his as much as I am physically able.

Now, this is the point we've gotten to a few times, and Edward normally always pulls back. Or someone interrupts us.

So, when Edward lets me pull his t-shirt off, and even practically rips off my own, I know this time is different. I gasp when Edward moves down to kiss my bare stomach. I arch into his cold touch, a shiver coursing through my body like lightening. His cool lips drag over my skin slowly. I fist the sheets tightly and look up at the ceiling. Edward kisses upwards, pausing to pay special attention to the space right above my breasts.

" _Edward,"_ I barely get the word out.

He licks and bites gently at my throat, and part of my mind tells me that it can't be good for a vampire to be that close to my neck. But I can't stop him, I do not have that kind of will power.

I lift my hands to touch Edward's chest, letting my fingers skate across his finely toned muscles. When my hands squeeze his biceps, the muscles flex. I sit up enough to kiss his collar bone, and I let my lips linger, even brushing over his own throat. Something in that kickstarts a fire in Edward, and he takes my wrists in a firm grip. He holds them down against the bed and kisses me harshly. Our bodies fit together, and he rolls his hips down. A spark of pleasure erupts inside me, and it pulls another lust-filled groan from my mouth.

Longing for Edward attacks me from all sides, and I roll my own hips up to meet his. Our bodies move together in sync for a few moments, both of us hanging on the edge of losing it completely. When Edward flips us over so that I'm straddling him I take the chance to kiss along his chest and stomach. The hard coil of muscle tightens in response to my touch. Edward slides a hand into my ebony hair and releases it from my messy ponytail. My hair tumbles down like a dark waterfall, and when Edward drags me up to kiss him, it shields us from the outside world. Our tongues duel and dance together until I feel as if they've touched every part of each other mouths.

"I love you," Edward's voice is deep and husky, and he lets his hands trail over my back, "I won't ever leave you." He grasps my hips and holds them in a strong grip.

My lust dissipates at his words, and I jerk away from him. I almost give in anyway when Edward uses one hand to slide down the back of my jeans, and the other to undo them at the front.

But somehow, _somehow_ , I manage to regain some semblance of sanity. Jesus, that's a lot of alliteration for one sentence. I grab onto Edward's roaming hands, and say in a rough voice,

"Stop."

As caught up as Edward is, he stops immediately, and I love him for that. Not a lot of guys would. Trust me.

Edward pushes my hair back from my face and looks up into my eyes. I see that his are still full of fire and passion, but now they also hold trepidation.

"What's wrong?" he asks gently, his thumb brushes over my cheek in a toe-curling caress.

I shift even further away from him, and climb off the bed. I need space right now to think properly. Or to think at all.

Edward sits up and watches me with his intense gaze. He runs a hand through his hair, almost appearing nervous. Maybe he is, I certainly am.

"This doesn't change anything, Edward," I tell him as calmly as I can manage, "I still...you need to leave with your family."

Edward is shaking his head before I've even finished speaking.

"No. I don't. They'll still be there when..."

"What?" I ask him, not able to keep the snap out of my voice, "When I'm dead? Is that what you plan to do? Be with me until I die of old age, God willing I live that long. Or do you just want to wait until I've had enough of you, or until I meet someone else-"

"No!" Edward growls at me, his fury emanating off of him in waves now, "Like hell would I watch you be with someone else. Is that how little you think of what we have? Do you really believe I could just let you walk away from me without a fight?"

Tears sting my eyes again, but I push them away, because crying like a weak bitch won't help anyone, least of all me.

"I don't want to be with someone else, Edward. I only want you. I think maybe I could only ever want you for the rest of my life! But I can't say if that's true. I don't see the fucking future. Maybe you'd get tired of me. Or we might just not work out for some other reason. But all that is besides the point. I need to protect Bella. As much as it kills me to let you go, I have to."

"I understand that, Ever, and my brother is leaving for that very reason. But that doesn't mean I have to leave," Edward stands now and he tries to reach out to me.

I back away from him,

"He won't leave without you, and I get why. I won't be the person who breaks up a family. I'd feel guilty, and you would resent me eventually."

"You can't know that either," Edward argues firmly.

I card my fingers through my hair in frustration. How can I make him understand?

"I won't fight with you over this Edward. If you stay then so will your brother and I will break up with you. I won't see you or speak to you. I mean it, Ward. This is how it has to be."

Edward's expression darkens,

"Then you come with us, I know it'll be hard to let go, but-"

"Edward, I can't leave Bella or Charlie, it would be wrong on so many levels. As much as I would love to come and be with you, that option just isn't possible."

I feel my insides turning to ice as I watch the devastation and heartbreak play out over Edward's face. One part of me screams to take it back. Another, saner, part tells me I'm doing the right thing for possibly the first time in my life.

"I've made so many terrible mistakes Edward...I can't make another one," I tell him quietly.

Edward's gaze pierces into me like a hot poker, and I flinch at the pain etched into his features.

"Being with me is a mistake to you?"

I see my chance and I take it.

"Yes. I think so. For the sake of my sanity, and yours, we need to end this now before it becomes impossible to let go of each other."

Edward watches me for another few, very agonising, seconds. Then he moves towards me and this time he doesn't let me pull away. Edward encircles my waist with one arm, and yanks my body to press up against his. His eyes are fierce and impossibly dark when he says,

"I will leave. But not for my brother, or Bella, or myself. For you. I'd do anything for you. Anything. Lets get one thing straight though. You asking me to leave isn't about your sister's safety, or my brother's inability to control his bloodlust. It's not even about our relationship being a mistake," Edward holds onto me a little tighter, tight enough to bruise even, "This is about you being afraid of me finding out what happened to you years ago. It's about me knowing you in a way that makes you vulnerable. You remember this, because I may be the one leaving, but you're the one who's running away."

I close my eyes, a sob threatening to wrack my body. I feel him kiss me softly once more, and then his touch is gone. When I open my eyes, so is he.

**Jacob's P.O.V**

Since I was five, I knew that I was weird. Wrong in the head even. Although I didn't fully allow myself to acknowledge just how strange I was until I met someone who rivalled my level of insanity.

My mother was weird too. I get it from her. I didn't really understand the how or why of it until I was much older. But then, sometimes I still feel like I don't understand.

I'm gonna level with you all here, be honest right off the bat. My mother loved me. My mother was bi-polar. My mother tried to murder me more than once.

I am bi-polar.

I'm not telling you that because I feel I have to explain myself, or because I want you to pity me in any way. I just think...that maybe you should know what you're getting into before I continue.

It's ok if you don't like me. It's ok if you don't understand me. I can't say with any certainty that I would like or understand any of you. But I do feel that mutual respect is key to have between us, so try to keep that in mind.

When I was five, I met a girl. Actually, she wasn't just a girl, she was a light in the darkness of my world. She was the magic that I never knew existed. She was weird and wonderful and completely ridiculous at times. She still is.

But things have changed, for both of us, and that darkness we both tried so hard to fight against is never far away. It would be a lie to say that either of us are particularly important. If we both disappeared right this very moment, the world wouldn't even blink twice at our departure from it.

She's important to me though, and I'm important to her. And that's enough. It has to be. Then there's Coda, but he's important in a completely different, more unconditional, way.

I remember when my Grandad got sick, and he was in the hospital. He had loads of tubes and things sticking out of him. He also had a machine that beeped every few seconds, which was the only thing that told us he was still alive when he slipped into a coma. I wondered then, how the rest of us know we're alive, because we don't have a machine to tell us.

My Dad once told me that you know you're alive because of the people who need you. I didn't really know what he meant back then. But now I do. Since the moment Coda was born, I understood. It's all about him now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I pick up the call, a bad feeling rising in the pit of my stomach for reasons I couldn't explain to myself, let alone anyone else.

"Lyna, don't tell me fang boy is protesting my visit," I try to keep my tone light. My feelings regarding Edward Cullen are...complicated at best. Downright hostile at worst.

"I can't find Bella," I hear the very real fear in Ever's voice and my instinctual response is immediate.

"Tell me where you are and I'll come for you. We'll find her."

I know nothing about what's actually going on, but I do know that Ever wouldn't sound so upset if something wasn't really wrong.

"I'm in the woods near my house," she tells me, "I don't know these woods well enough to search them properly."

So she thought of me. I have no right to feel good about that, but I do. Relieved as well, I do not like the idea of Ever wandering around alone in the forest, especially not this late. It'll be dark soon.

"I'll be right there, just hold on." I say, hopefully I sound reassuring and not equally as worried.

"Be quick, I think something really bad happened, Jay." The panic in her tone makes my heart clench.

"Keep breathing, Lyna. I'll be with you in two blinks."

I hear her heavy breathing over the phone, and I know she's counting inside her head. Panic disorders aren't exactly helpful when you're already freaked out about something.

"Will do Bambi, come save me from the hunter," Ever says, trying for a half joke.

I don't laugh. I'm not meant to.

Ever hangs up and I move fast.

I wasn't meant to meet Ever until later tonight, so I can't count on Leah to look after Coda. He's already had his bath, and some dinner. Really I should be putting him to bed soon, but there's no way in hell I'm leaving him here alone, and I don't have time to find someone else.

Well, then, there's really only one other option.

I yank on a jacket and move into the living room where I left him sitting on the sofa watching Nicktoons at full volume when Ever called.

I kneel down in front of Coda and say,

"How would you like to go for a walk in the woods with one of my friends?"

Coda's big brown eyes flicker away from the TV, a small miracle, and he smiles widely,

"Yes! Walk in woods!"

I smile back, unable to help myself in the wake of his obvious glee. I quickly turn off the TV and pick him up, swooping him into the air in a way that makes him laugh loudly.

"Come on then, little wolf, lets go. Where are your shoesies?" I walk around the house, with Coda directing me to where his tiny blue shoes are.

I find them eventually in the washing machine. Coda just smiles at me and says,

"Shoes need wash."

Uh huh. Just like my wallet ended up in the dish washer to be 'cleaned' last week, the little monster.

I turn him upsidown and laugh when he squeals in delight. When I flip him back up and sit him down on the table to put his shoes on, he chants, "Again, again, again!"

I slip on his shoes and say,

"If you're a good boy, then we can later."

Coda pouts, his bottom lip sticking out in the cutest way possible. I don't fall for it though, after four years I have become immune.

"You can take a bag of mini cookies with you in the truck, if you like."

Ok, mostly immune.

Coda riggles to get off the table and I let him down.

"Cookie, cookie, cookie!" Coda sings, and he does a funny spin-dance. His messy black hair sticks up at all angles like it has static running through it.

I grab a bag of mini children's cookies from the cupboard and pick him up again. Coda takes the cookies from me and tries to open them by biting and gnawing at the bag. I let him entertain himself with that whilst I put on his coat over his Monsters ink PJ's and carry him out to my truck, fondly named by Coda as Rusty, or actually it was more like _Rukky_ , but I translated. Although I think 'Rukky' is growing on me.

I strap Coda into his booster seat and open up the bag of cookies when Coda starts growling around the bag like the baby wolf cub that he is. I get his spit all over my hands, but by this point I'm so used to his spit and sick and piss and, yeah, even poop, getting all over me that it doesn't even register anymore.

Coda happily chomps away at the cookies whilst I get into Rukky and drive off towards Charlie's house.

It doesn't take long to get there, which is good because I'm already a little on the panicked side. Getting lost in the woods is not something I would recommend around here.

I park up outside the house and jump out of Rukky. Coda starts singing to himself again, and I think it's either the words to 'twinkle twinkle little star' or the theme tune to Spongebob Square pants. It might possibly be a mixture of the two. At three years old, Coda is a lot smarter than most kids his age. I don't know where he gets it from, certainly not me.

I unstrap Coda and lift him out, the empty bag of cookies discarded on the seat. I take out my phone to call Ever and let her know I'm here. But before I can I see her waiting at the edge of the woods. She catches sight of me a moment later and her wary smile hits me right in the chest. I hate to see her so upset. Someone with Ever's spirit should always be smiling. It lights up the world, or at least mine.

I move towards her and at the same time she moves towards me. We kind of meet in the middle. Her blue eyes are bright, but worried, and I try to look confident, even though part of me is nervous as fuck. Ever seems to clock Coda a moment after he sees her.

Ever's eyes widen in confusion, and she looks closer at Coda.

"Child," she manages to get out.

I nod slowly,

"Yes."

Her gaze is still firmly fixed on Coda as she says,

"He looks like you."

"I know," I reply, unable to think of what else to say right now.

"He's gorgeous," she tells me, sounding a little breathless.

"Thank you." Again, I have no idea how to respond. I've been dreading this moment for months.

"Are you sure you want me to know about this?" Ever asks as she reaches out a hand to Coda. Coda, mysteriously silent for once, reaches out as well. Their fingers touch and Ever smiles. I look down to see that Coda is smiling too.

Hm.

"I don't know," I answer her honestly.

Ever frowns slightly,

"Then why are you here?"

That answer is easy.

"Because you needed me."

Ever finally looks up at me, her expression surprisingly open.

"We'll discuss this later." She says.

"Agreed." I let out a sigh of relief.

Coda finally seems to find his voice and he grabs onto Ever's hand with both of his much smaller ones.

"My name Coda, what yours?"

Ever smiles so brilliantly then that all the sadness seems to drain out of her for a few seconds. I can tell Ever isn't just upset about her sister, but right now probably isn't the best time to press.

"My name is Ever," she traps Coda's hands between hers and kisses one of his fingers gently.

Coda grins, his sweet little face brightening,

"Do you like monsters?" he asks her.

Ever nods and leans in closer to whisper,

"I like the big fluffy ones named Derek."

Coda lowers his voice, copying Ever,

"Fluffy monsters are best."

"I know, they eat ice cream," Ever tells him with a small smirk, her tone playful and warm.

"Ice cream is my fav…fave…favrot….favourite," Coda struggles to get the word right, but he keeps trying until he does. He can be a stubborn little thing, and I love him all the more for it.

Ever laughs,

"Ice cream is my favourite too."

That appears to be all the confirmation Coda needs, because a moment later he has his arms outstretched, reaching for Ever.

"Hug! Hug! Hug Evar!"

I can't stop the laugh that comes bursting out of my mouth. Ever looks to me for permission and I nod. She takes Coda from me and settles him on her hip. Ever holds him like she's done it a thousand times before. Something in me, possibly my heart, squeezes at that thought.

Trying to lighten the feeling in my chest, I say,

"Oh, so suddenly I'm not good enough for cuddles now that you have Ever."

Coda grins back at me and starts playing with Ever's long, dark hair.

"Pretty. Pretty Evar." he mumbles.

Ever actually chuckles at that and arches an eyebrow at me,

"See, I always said I was prettier than you."

I place a hand over my heart and shake my head,

"No one is prettier than me, Lyna, that kind of perfection just doesn't exist."

Ever snorts out a laugh and then hugs Coda a little tighter.

"Such a big head for someone so rubbish at Scrabble."

"I still insist that you cheated," I argue jokingly. One time a few weeks ago, we played scrabble because….because we are sad individuals, that's why.

Ever was eventually named the scrabble King. But I definitely dominated at Jenga. Hungry hippos got a little too heated and we had to call it a day before our whole friendship was ruined.

Sometimes I worry that I'm not mature enough to raise Coda properly. In fact since the moment he was born I've been hyper aware of every one of my faults and how they could affect him. But the only other option is giving him away, and as selfish as it may be, I can't do that. I love him too much.

Coda is happily humming along to himself, a tune that I don't recognize, but apparently Ever does because she begins humming along with him. I raise an eyebrow questioningly. She mouths 'Toy Story' at me. Oh right. I really should be more adept at knowing which song goes with which Disney or Pixar movie by now. I've had almost four years of watching nothing but animated films. It was getting to a point last summer where I was starting to forget what real people look like.

In the last four years my socializing has been limited to Coda, my Dad and occasionally Charlie. Now my social circle has expanded to include Ever. I may be on the precipice of having a life. Shock and horror folks, shock and horror.

Actually, no, to have a life I'd need to hang about with Sam and his lot. I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a spork than become another one of the reservations steroid junkies. So I suppose I'll just have to put up with being an introverted teenage single father who lives alone in the woods.

Woah, that sounds so much sadder than I thought it would. Better abort that train of thought before the violins start playing.

"Such a bad loser," Ever says, shaking her head in mock exasperation.

"Daddy is bad loo'er," Coda agrees with a vigorous nod.

Ever seems to freeze for a moment at the mighty 'D' word, but she quickly recovers and laughs at Coda.

" _See_ , your own… _son_...knows the truth. Just accept your failures now before I am forced to bring Kevin 2.0. out to have a word."

Coda looks up at that,

"Kevin?"

Ever smiles at Coda,

"He's my bat sidekick."

Coda looks ridiculously pleased about that and says,

"Me want see Kevin!"

"What's going on with Bella?" I ask Ever before this whole situation descends into chaos and bat stroking.

Ever whispers something in Coda's ear and after a moment he whispers back a bit too loudly,

"Yes. Good. Show wood elves, yes."

I have no idea what that means, and I honestly don't think I want to know either.

Ever looks up at me again and says in a rush,

"The Cullens are leaving town. I think John-Paul went into the woods with Bella to tell her, and now she's wandered off or…something." She puts emphasis on 'something'.

All I can hear inside my head are the words _'the Cullens are leaving'_. Edward is leaving. I don't know how I'm meant to feel about that. But I'm pretty sure it shouldn't be anger. I have no clue why, but for some reason the thought of Edward Cullen leaving town just pisses me off. Maybe it's because I know how much Ever must be hurting. I decide that must be it, because anything else just doesn't make sense.

"We'll find her," I say with all the confidence I can force into my voice.

Ever smiles, but it's strained. She asks seriously,

"Will he be ok?" She lifts Coda slightly.

I consider it for a moment. It'll get cold soon, and I don't have his gloves or hat with me. But at the same time, if Bella is in genuine danger, as Ever seems to be suggesting, then we can't just leave her out there alone.

"You wait here with him, I'll go find her. I know these woods, and I'll be faster on my own."

Ever nods and shifts Coda on her hip.

"Yeah ok." She looks nervous and unsure.

I reach out to touch her face gently, making her look up into my eyes so she can see I mean it when I say,

"Trust me."

After a long and strangely intense pause, Ever nods again, more sure this time,

"I do."

I let my hand drop then, not wanting to make things more complicated than they need to be. I turn to Coda instead, who appears to be watching us both with interest. I wince internally at that. This is the main reason I was nervous about Ever meeting Coda. I don't want Coda to get confused about Ever's role in my life, or his life for that matter.

"Right then, little wolf, I'm gonna go find Ever's sister because she's a bit lost. You play here with Ever until I get back, maybe Ever has some hot milk for you," I look over at Ever, who nods enthusiastically.

"Yeah, course I do. We can have some hot milk and I'll show you Kevin," she makes it sound so exciting with just the tone of her voice. Coda is clearly enthralled with the idea and is now bouncing up and down in Ever's arm.

Ever moves her hand to hold Coda more securely, and it's then that I see the silver ring on her finger. It's dark now, and the light of the moon reflects off of the ring. The ring is simple and beautiful, but it's the infinity sign that explodes in my mind. Can it possibly be a coincidence?

I push the thought away, there are more important things going on right now. I bend down and kiss Coda on the forehead.

"Be good, little wolf."

Coda reaches out with one arm to embrace me and I let him manipulate all three of us into a group hug type scenario.

"Back soon, Daddy!"

It's not a request, it's an order. One I am more than happy to obey.

I catch Ever's eye, and I see that she's smiling again, although she tries to hide it against Coda's head. I let her keep her secret smile, and leave my son and my best friend to entertain each other.

The last thing I hear is Coda shouting,

"Watch out for Gruffalo!"

And Ever replying,

"I _love_ that book! Mouse is Boss!"

I have read that book to my son five thousand times, it's his favourite book in the whole wide world ever. By this point I can recite the words off by heart.

...

Eventually I find Bella, passed out from exhaustion in the middle of nowhere. I don't even know how she got that far out all by herself.

Ever insisted that we take her to the hospital despite her twin sister's protests. I agreed, if for no other reason than because Charlie would blow a gasket if anything happened to Bella whilst he was away.

I took Coda with along with us to the Hospital, although he fell asleep in Ever's arms on the way there. I don't like breaking him out of his routine too often, because it's a nightmare to get him back into it again. But I couldn't just leave Ever and Bella alone to deal with everything by themselves. So I stayed and helped Bella into the Hospital, and then after she was cleared by the Doctor I made sure to get her home again in one piece.

It seems that she just needs to sleep it off. The whole time Ever looked guilty as hell, and I want so badly to ask her about it, but it's still not the right time. We agree to talk tomorrow about...everything. Edward. Coda. Yeah, everything.

When I get Coda home and tucked into his bed, it's pretty damn late, and I feel emotionally, if not physically, exhausted. But before I can think of getting into my own bed, there's knock at my door.

I wonder who the fuck it could be at this time of night. Even my Dad doesn't just show up unannounced. Then again, there's a first time for everything. I have to keep telling myself that more and more lately.

I get a sense of impending intensity before I even open the door, which is strange within itself. But when I see who's on the other side, I realise why.

"You can't be here." I tell him, for lack of anything else to say apparently.

He looks at me, those inhuman eyes so dark and...fucking foreboding. I want to throw a towel or something over his head just so he'll stop _staring_ at me like that. A more manly thing to do would probably be to punch him. But I'm neither that stupid, nor that angry. Yet.

"I needed to talk to you," is all he says, his voice low and silky smooth. Fuck, how does Ever even put up with that? It'd drive me crazy, like listening to classical music with every word being a new note.

"No, seriously, you _cannot be here_. You're trespassing." I run a hand through my hair and look out over his shoulder. Not that I'm worried about anyone seeing us, no one comes out here, I live on the very edge of the reservation with Coda.

The bastard actually smirks at that, and I fight the urge to clock him one anyway.

"My family and I are leaving-"

"Yeah, I heard," I cut him off, with more anger in my voice than I meant there to be, "All I can say that you better have a very fucking good reason for leaving Ever."

His jaw clenches at that, and a dangerous edge enters his eyes. My breathe catches a little at the sight of it, and I fight down the instinct to...I don't even know what. My baser instincts say attack, but something else inside me...tells me to invite the fucker in.

Life just keeps getting weirder.

He moves forward then, so fast that I almost miss it entirely. He's close enough now that I can feel the coldness of his skin radiating off of him like a block of ice.

"You don't know what you're talking about," he says harshly.

I want to snap back at him, but the truth is I don't know what's happened between him and Ever. So even though the teenager in me wants to throw an insult, or several, the annoying adult inside my head tells me to calm the fuck down.

"Why the hell are you here?" I sigh heavily and cross my arms.

Something flickers in his eyes, maybe confusion, but it passes so quickly that I can't be sure. He tilts his head to the side and murmurs,

"What are you thinking?"

I blink stupidly at him for what feels like forever, before replying,

"I'm thinking that you need to back up right the fuck now before I go find my gun and shoot your ass off my porch."

His brow creases, and he moves closer instead of further away. My back presses up against the door frame, and I glare at him. For someone who's always seemed so standoffish, he certainly has issues with personal boundaries. The fucker.

"Is that really what you're thinking, or is that just what you're saying?" he asks, sounding genuinely curious, and frustrated.

"Are you always this weird?" I say in response.

A bit of humour enters his expression then,

"Pretty much."

I tell myself not to laugh at the crazy person standing in front of me. That's how people get killed by the crazy person.

"You might want to work on that," I tell him.

This is insane, why are we standing here talking to each other like this?

"Please just tell me why you're here," I say, and I let my head slap back against the wood of the doorway.

He seems unsure for a moment, and that's enough to get my attention.

"I want-" he starts, but then stops himself. His tone is less demanding when he continues, "I would like it if you would look after Ever for me."

 _For_ him? What?

"You better explain that," I say, trying to school my own expression into something less confused.

He winces slightly and replies carefully,

"What I meant was...you...care for Ever."

"Obviously. She's very important to me," I say, not able to stop myself from sounding slightly scornful.

There's a flash of hostility, and it sparks a fire between us. He manages to control it though, and he says,

"I'm leaving because Ever wants me to-"

"If you expect me to believe that then-"

"Do you always have to be this frustrating?" He demands angrily.

I practically growl at him,

"Oh, yeah, I'm the difficult one here. You keep telling yourself that."

There's that anger again.

"I'm not trying to argue with you here-"

"Then get to the fucking point already," Yeah, ok, I'm losing my cool just a little. Sue me.

He lets out a very frustrated sound, and then appears to go though some kind of internal struggle. I have no idea how I know that, I just do. I've had enough of them to last me a lifetime.

Eventually his eyes snap up to meet mine, and the depth of emotion I see in those two black coals fucking stabs me through the heart. I really shouldn't care, I mean considering who this is, but something in me understands that darkness. I know that feeling. I could never turn away from it, not even if I wanted to.

Which, strangely, I don't.

"I'm leaving her here under your protection," he says calmly, slowly, painfully, "You're the only person I can think of who will look after her even remotely as well as I would."

"Thank you so much for that ringing endorsement," I say dryly. I shake my head, "I still don't understand why you're leaving of you don't actually want to."

He looks sad and pissed all at once then.

"You know Ever," is all he says.

Yeah, I do.

"She's a complicated person with a complicated heart," I don't know why that seems important, but it does. To me anyway.

He nods, and then laughs without humour,

"I know."

I watch him curiously as he reaches into his pocket and takes out a slip of paper. He takes my hand suddenly. A shot of coldness spikes up through my body at the contact, but there's a weird heat there too, like lightening. I really don't like this guy. He's...frustrating.

"What's this?" I ask him, and I unfold the paper to take a look. On it is a number.

"That, is my phone number," he explains, without actually explaining anything at all. See, frustrating.

I raise an eyebrow at him,

"What am I meant to do with this exactly?"

He stares at me again for another few moments with those unfathomable eyes, and then says,

"I just...want to be able to check in on Ever. To make sure she's ok after I leave. Bella too. I need to know that she's safe and...happy. I already have your number-"

"Woah, hold on, how exactly do you have MY number-"

"I took it from Ever's phone-"

"You did WHAT?!"

"I know it was wrong, so don't lecture me. It was the only way I could think of to stay sane and leave Ever here alone."

"She won't be alone," I argue, "Bella is here."

"Bella is like a stray kitten, she'll be less than helpful I'd imagine once my brother leaves her."

True. I think that's already happened anyway.

"Charlie is here," I try again.

Edward gives me a look, and I know what he's gonna say even before the words come out of his mouth.

"Charlie is a good man, but he's not capable of being there for Ever like she needs someone to be."

Also true. Sadly.

" _I'm_ here," I say, more firmly.

Edward smiles slightly at that,

"Exactly. You're my only option."

I roll my eyes at him,

"Wow, thanks again for the warm fuzzies. I'm really gonna miss these moments between us."

"Me too," Edward replies drolly.

I stare hard at him,

"What makes you think I would betray Ever's trust by keeping you informed on her well being behind her back?"

There's that internal struggle again.

He says with surprising honesty,

"Because you know what it feels like to love her."

Damn him. I stuff the paper into my pocket. He smiles and I snap,

"That doesn't mean yes."

"It doesn't mean no either," he replies with a knowing look on his face.

I want to smack it off. Asshole.

"Daddy," Coda's tired voice comes from behind me, and I feel myself tense.

I turn around to see Coda standing at the top of the stairs in his PJ's. His eyes are squinty and tired. I move to go and pick him up before he tries to climb down the stairs. In his half asleep state he might fall. As much as I would like to slam the door on Edward, I don't. Instead I bring Coda back down and hold him curled up against me as I stand in the doorway again.

Edward looks shocked for about two seconds, and then a sweep of understanding seems to dawn on him. He arches an at me eyebrow,

"You have a son?"

I frown back at him.

No, this is just a random child I live with who calls me 'Daddy'. That's what I want to say, but I don't because Coda is now awake and aware enough to be staring at Edward with rapt fascination.

"Yes, I do," I say instead.

Coda holds his hand out, much like he did earlier on with Ever. I watch, a bit stunned to be honest, as Edward reacts in the same way. He reaches out his hand, and when their fingers touch, they both smile.

Hm. Again.

"What's your name then, little wolf?" Edward asks, his focus now on Coda completely.

Coda smiles tiredly, but still much brighter than usual when meeting strangers.

"Coda. What your 'ame?"

"Edward," he answers, and Coda curls a hand around one of Edward's fingers.

Ok, I am way too tired for all of this to be happening.

"Time to go back to bed, you tiny fluffy monster, say goodnight to...Edward." Your new best friend apparently.

Coda squeezes Edward's finger tightly and says,

"'Night Ed."

Edward smiles wider at that, and for a moment I allow myself not to hate him.

"Goodbye, Edward," I say pointedly.

Edward looks back up at me and replies,

"Goodbye, talk to you soon."

I narrow my eyes at him,

"Not likely."

"We'll see," he says, still smirking.

I mouth at him as I shut the door,

'I hate you'.

The last I see of Edward is him mouthing back,

'Liar'.


	4. Waking up

Four months. It's been four whole months since Edward left. I won't lie, part of me feels empty and lost without him. I never expected to feel that way, especially not about a guy. But then, Edward isn't just some guy. He was a man I loved. Still love, despite the distance between us.

I sleep in his t-shirt, the one he left behind _that day_. The day when my whole world fell apart for the second time in my life. It hurts to think about him, my Ward. But I hope one day I'll be able to look back on the memories I have of us together and not have a panic attack.

I've been doing everything I can to distract myself from the pain of losing Edward. I spend more time with Beany, and occasionally Goldy now too. Alone, of course, not together. The one time we tried a threesome midnight ice cream run, things got awkward. And when I say awkward, I mean cringe worthy silences followed by even more stilted horrible conversation.

No way am I doing that again, it almost ruined brownie ice cream for me. Nothing is worth that price.

But really...Jacob has been my life saver. I've seen him pretty much every day for the last four months. Well, Jacob and Coda. God, I love that kid, he's so weird and funny. I really enjoy being with him, and playing with him. He's got an even stranger imagination than I do, and that's really saying something.

Jacob told me all about getting one of the reservation girls, Dalia, pregnant when he was thirteen. It was right after his mother left and he wanted to do something stupid. I told him mission accomplished, and he agreed. Having and raising a child is...well, I can't say from experience, but I imagine it's one of the hardest things to do.

I'm really proud of Jay for stepping up the way he has. Coda's mother died whilst giving birth to him, she just couldn't handle it. She was too young. So was Jacob, and I know he carries that guilt around with him still. He lives with Coda at the very edge of the reservation, far away from everyone else.

Apparently they built the cottage style house for Jacob and Dalia to live in and raise Coda. If you think that sounds a little crazy then that's because it is. Jacob said the choice to become a single father instead of giving his son away, was the easiest and most ridiculous decision he's ever made.

I have to approve of his choice because Coda is so gorgeous. I want to cuddle the little nuisance all the time. I'm really grateful to Jacob for letting me be a part of his son's life. It was clear when I started coming around that he was nervous. I'm not ultimately sure if he was nervous because he didn't want me to judge him, or if it was because he wanted to protect his son. Possibly both.

But, after four months of me helping him with bath time and dinner time and Nicktoons time and random walks through the woods time, he's calmed down a lot. Even a few breakfast times when I've stayed over in the guest room. I have yet to meet many of the reservation guys, strangely enough. But that's mainly because Jacob appears to avoid them at all costs.

I've tried to talk to him about it, but he just tells me he doesn't want to get involved with their bullshit.

I told him all about Edward, despite telling myself not to. He thinks I made the right decision by Bella. I expected more malice from Jacob in regards to Edward, he never made it a secret that he didn't like him. But, surprisingly, he's been rather sympathetic. He worries about Bella almost as much as Charlie and I do.

I knew she would spiral into some kind of depression, and I knew she'd do nothing to stop herself from spiralling. I can't really talk to her about mental issues, because I'm not exactly all there myself. Neither is Jacob for that matter.

But it's been four months and enough is enough. I'll drag her out to have fun if I have to. I'm still fucking upset about Edward too, and even though it was my choice, I can promise you that it doesn't hurt any less. Even just thinking his name makes my insides burn and coil with regret.

I'm still convinced that Bella needs to figure out her own life before she gives it over to a guy who will most likely kill her at some point.

Our Dad's fist comes down on the table and he declares,

"That's it, Bella! I'm sending you home."

I fight the urge to flinch, but I do anyway. Charlie notices and sends me an apologetic look, I just shrug in response. Wherever this is going, I don't think it will end well.

"I am home," Bella mumbles, sounding confused. Nothing new there then.

"I'm sending you to Renee, to Jacksonville." Charlie reiterates.

"What did I do?" Bella's asks, her face crumpling in on itself in a very creepy way.

"You didn't do anything. That's the problem, you never do anything." Charlie sounds more frustrated than I've heard him in a long time.

"You want me to get into trouble?" Bella ask incredulously.

"I want you to go out and do things, trouble is better than nothing," Charlie grumbles, and then he looks at me. I silently beg him not to bring me into it, but as usual my mental messages are ignored. "Your sister is dealing with it by spending time with friends, maybe you should-"

"I don't need a lecture on how to be more like Ever," Bella snaps with surprising valour for someone who's been doing an amazing impression of a zombie for the last four months.

"Hey, what wrong with me? I am offended emo twin of mine!" I say in mock outrage.

Bella glares at me then, and I almost shrink away from the violence in her eyes.

"Ever was allowed to have a mental break down over a guy hurting her, why can't I?" Bella mutters.

Shock hits me in the chest and almost bowls me over. She can't have really just said that.

"How _dare you_ compare that situation to this one!" I snarl at her.

Bella looks up at me when I get to my feet abruptly, her expression now one of guilt and shame. Well good, she fucking deserves to feel guilty for saying that. Hell, for even thinking it, no matter how angry she is at the world.

"You know, " I say with a snap, fury and hurt burning through my veins like a wild fire, "maybe you _should_ just leave, Bella. Go to Mom's and get over yourself before you end up not being the only person who hates you."

Harsh, I know. But I've had it with her woe-es-me routine. As much as I love Edward, I can't allow myself to wallow in the pain of him being gone. Yes, I'm still trying to handle Edward's absence in my life, and yes sometimes I still want to curl up in a ball and disappear because of it.

But I've felt worse pain than this. Edward is still alive (relatively speaking), and there's a chance he'll be happy one day without me, that's enough of a reason to push myself into moving on.

"I'm staying over at Jay's tonight, Dad," I tell Charlie, and before he can question me I grab my bags and leave the house.

Not that Charlie really cares if I stay over at Jacob's house, in fact I think he's so pleased that at least one of his daughters is socialising that he'd let me do just about anything.

I decide to leave Gordan for Bella to take to school, and I give him a kiss on the hood. I don't want him to think I don't love him anymore. Plus it's an apology for making him have to hang out with Bella. Every time Bella tries to drive Gordan, he breaks down, but he always works perfectly for me. Take from that what you will.

I text Beany to pick me up on his way to school, and ten minutes later he pulls up beside me. One good thing about living in a small town.

Beany rolls down his window and I don't even attempt to hide my laughter. He's wearing pink sunglasses and chewing a big piece of pink bubble gum. He pops a bubble at me and says,

"Come on then, Miss, get in your taxi."

I flip him off and sling my stuff in the back of his car. I practically throw myself into the passenger seat and steal a piece of offensively pink bubble gum for myself.

"If you want a bubble war, mister, then you've picked up the wrong girl. I'm queen of bubbles."

Beany flashes me a grin and starts driving again. He blows another bubble and I quickly work on my own. We both laugh when our bubbles pop, leaving bubble gum all over our faces in a stringy mess. I'd like to say that I'm too mature for this kind of thing, but that would be a lie. You're never too old for bubble gum competitions.

I reach over and ruffle Beany's hair. Last week Beany rang me in the middle of the night and went on a half an hour long rant about how rubbish and drab his hair is. Or was. My solution, when I eventually got a word in, was for us to dye his hair.

We drove to Port Angeles on the weekend and spent hours, yes hours, choosing a colour. I wanted to go for something dynamic, like blue or purple. Beany argued that he wanted to look sexy, not like a Unicorn had barfed on his head. I argued that Unicorn's only ever barf rainbows and skittles. He apologised for his ignorance. I forgave him on the stipulation that he buy me a bag of skittles.

How he didn't see me pouring them over his head, I do not know. I felt it was an obvious climax to our conversation. Some people just never learn.

Anyway, we eventually decided on platinum blond. I had my doubts about it, especially when we got to his house and attempted to dye his hair without injuring ourselves via chemicals. Neither of us has much of a good track record with those.

But, after a lot of swearing and shouting (me), then some crying and whinging (Beany), we managed to pull it off. There was a brief moment when the world almost ended when a gianourmas spider (otherwise known as evil incarnate) crawled up from the drain and into the bath where Beany's head was. He freaked out, big time.

It took us about half an hour to kill the evilness by throwing math books in it's general direction. Then we got distracted with our victory dance. It involved moon walking, a stolen fluffy tiara, and sugar puffs. Don't ask why.

Despite the spider drama, however, Beany came out of it looking damn fine. Seriously, blond suits him in a really weird way. I started wondering if I should dye my hair too, or maybe just get some streaks. Beany won't stop trying to convince me to get a tattoo. He says he wants one, but that he won't go without me.

I've thought about getting a tattoo numerous times in my life, but I was always too off balance to make a decision on what I wanted.

Maybe for Beany's birthday we'll go.

"You look like a gay popstar," I tell him suddenly. He's wearing those really tight black trousers I got him, a silver shirt, knee high converses, and a waist coat. Just because. Beany is really coming into his own, and I'm proud of him for that. He finally told his parents in person that he's gay, which I was actually there for. It was definitely one of the more uncomfortable dinner parties I've been to.

But they didn't kick him out like Beany had feared, so all in all, he's pretty happy. I think he's looking forward to going off to College in NYC though. Beany keeps asking me to come with him to New York for College, and to be honest, the more we talk about it, the more I'm growing to like the idea.

We're both working at the café in Forks, and if we keep saving like we have been, then we'll have enough to rent our own place instead of staying in the dorms, which we dread.

My life is steadily moving forward. But there are more important things to me right now than my future. My sister for one. Getting over Edward, if that's even possible. Jacob and Coda for another. The last four months with them have been...strangely comfortable. Being with them makes me happy, and truly content, in a way I've never felt before.

I like cooking dinner for them. I like getting Coda ready for bed and then telling him a story (making sure I always do the voices, of course). I like sitting with Jacob and Coda and watching an animated film for the hundredth time. I like singing along with Coda to famous Disney songs. We do it to annoy Jacob sometimes, purposely messing up the words and mixing them with other songs just to confuse him. I like helping Jacob fix his truck, a.k.a Rukky, the name has been officially changed now. I like looking after Coda when he falls and scraps his knee. I like going for long walks along the beach with them and swinging Coda between us.

Coda's laughter makes my heart feel light, and Jacob's smile makes me feel... _something_.

Maybe I have no right to think of them as mine, but sometimes it feels that way. Like they've been waiting for me. The oddest part though, is that I still feel like we're waiting for something. Or someone. To complete us.

"I look fabulous," Beany says without inflection.

I muffle a snicker. Beany slides his gaze over to me briefly and adds,

"You look acceptable too."

I consider my own outfit of a light blue halter neck dress, long leather coat, fish net tights and army style boots. And of course the two items I never leave the house without. My family heirloom infinity ring from Edward. And the homemade infinity necklace from Jacob.

I know, I KNOW, right. But Jacob swears up and down that he made the necklace months before my birthday. The necklace is the colour of gold, and two pieces of thicker metal are woven together at the centre to make the infinity sign. It's beautiful and imperfect, just like the ring.

I decided not to question the coincidence too much. It would have driven me mad otherwise.

"Shove it, princess, I look spectacular as always," I flick Beany on the nose.

"Touchy, touchy!" Beany says, still grinning, "What asshole bee ruined your favourite bonnet?"

I make a frustrated sound and reply,

"Bella."

"The emotastic wonder child? What's she done now? Moped a little more loudly than usual?"

Beany knows all about my sister's recent bout of anti-social behaviour. Not that she was ever all that friendly, but it's still a noticeable change.

Chatty still hates us both, and _I_ still thank my lucky stars for that. Goldy keeps trying to get us talking again, because he feels like it's his fault we aren't friends. I don't have the heart to tell him that the reason Chatty and I aren't friends is because she's a fake, materialistic, bitch. And I ain't got no time for dat.

"No, she actually spoke today," I tell Beany in mock awe.

Beany raises an eyebrow,

"What, with words? Or some kind of monkey sign language?"

"I would have preferred the monkey signs to be honest. But no, she spoke with words. I did not appreciate the words themselves."

Beany makes a thoughtful sound, and then says,

"Did she insult Kevin 2.0?"

I scoff,

"Nah, she's not that brave. Or stupid enough to anger the mighty Kevin 2.0."

"We all fear his ninja skills," Beany nods gravely.

"As we should," I add seriously.

Beany snorts out a laugh and asks,

"What's with the extra bag? You staying over at mine? My parents are away this weekend if you want to come over, we could have a Harry Potter movie marathon."

"Sounds good, I'll bring the marshmallow fish and the vodka," I say, "But tonight I'm staying over at Jay's."

"Again?" Beany asks curiously.

I know Beany doesn't really get what's going on with Jacob. He's warned me not to make Jacob the rebound guy.

Just so we're clear, Jacob isn't some replacement for Edward, and I'm not using him just because Edward isn't here. Jay is important to me, and he always has been.

"Yeah, again," I slap Beany's arm, "Don't be giving me the judgy eyebrows. I sleep in the spare room, and nothing even remotely non-platonic goes on between us."

I'm not even lying, Jacob hasn't made even a single move on me. Not once. There have been a few lingering glances lately, but that doesn't mean anything.

Beany sighs, and his grip tightens slightly on the steering wheel,

"I know Sid. Maybe that's the problem, I mean...you're not over Edward yet."

It isn't really a question, but I answer it anyway.

"No, I'm not." I still dream about him most nights.

"Then just be careful. Jacob's a good guy, but more than that, he's got a son. You have to think really carefully before you...pursue anything with him."

" _Pursue_? Jesus, Grandma, calm down." I tease him.

"Shut up. And stop deflecting." Beany whips off his sunglasses so he can give me a knowing look. Damn him.

"Fine. But there's nothing to 'pursue'," I argue, "Jacob is just my very good friend."

This time Beany is the one to scoff,

"Oh yeah, right, Jacob is just your big, strong, hot, smart, kind-hearted, funny friend who's in love with you. And you've only spent every day with him since Edward left. Clearly, there is no problem. How silly of me to think you might possibly like him as more than just a 'friend'."

I gape at him for a few long seconds, and then try,

"Not...every day."

Beany gives me a 'cut the bullshit' face.

I try again anyway,

"We're just friends. And he isn't in love with me."

Beany shakes his head,

"No, Sid. You and I are 'just friends'. And ok, maybe he's not in love with you, but he definitely _loves_ you. It's clear as day on his face every time he looks at you, I've seen it for myself. Can you honestly say you don't feel anything towards him? Any kind of attraction at all?"

No, I can't say that. But I don't want to admit to it either. It does give me a warm fiery feeling in my stomach to think that Jacob loves me. I mean, I love him too. We understand each other in ways that no one else ever could. It's so much more complicated than that though, for both of us.

"I'm not ready for...to be with someone else yet. And like you said, Jacob has Coda to think about. I can't ruin the careful balance in both their lives just because there's a spark of attraction between me and Jacob. It would fuck everything up."

Beany appears to think on that for a while before saying,

"Maybe. But the longer you immerse yourself in their lives, the likelier it is that you'll grow attached to each other."

"So? What's wrong with that?" I know I sound a bit defensive now, but I can't help it. The thought of giving up Jacob and Coda always takes me to the very edge of a panic attack. They've become part of me. A vital part, even.

"There's nothing wrong with that, Sid." Beany says firmly, "I'm just saying, be careful with this one."

I know he's right. I do need to be careful. But I'm on the verge of over-thinking every encounter I've had with Jacob over the last four months. So instead of letting myself fall into that black hole, I lean back in my seat and say,

"So, enough about my boring love life. How about yours? We need to find you a rebound guy already."

Beany laughs, and the tension in the car fades away to nothing almost instantly. We've already arrived at school, so Beany parks up before replying,

"Oh yeah, and who exactly do you think I'll be rebounding with? In case you've forgotten, I know everyone within our age bracket in this town. There's no one, trust me."

I shrug and wave the argument away,

"So, we'll just have to go out...um...to a club or something."

"A club?" Beany looks sceptical.

I nod excitedly,

"Yeah, we'll go to the nearest city on the weekend, stay overnight at a cheap hotel or something."

"You want us to spend a whole weekend trying to get me laid?" Beany asks, looking amused. But I see beyond that to the fear, and I think I know why. I reach over to take Beany's hand and say,

"If you're not ready either, then that's ok too."

Beany's expression darkens, and he looks out over the parking lot. As if on cue, that's when Goldy chooses to walk right across our line of sight. He appears a lot happier than he did a few months ago. I'd like to think it's all down to my unique friendship skills, but in truth I know it's more about him having someone to be real with. It can be hard to hide a part of yourself from the world, and I'm glad Goldy trusts me enough to reveal that part of himself to me.

Goldy looks over at us as he passes, and although he smiles at me, a look of longing passes over his face when his gaze locks on Beany.

I feel bad for them, as they clearly still have feelings for each other, despite what they tell me.

Goldy and Beany have a good old fashioned stare-a-thon moment, before Goldy walks swiftly away.

Beany sinks down in his seat and groans. I squeeze his hand.

"I should be over him by now," Beany says, sounding exasperated, "Its been _months_!"

"Sometimes you can't rush things like this," I tell him, "I mean, you loved him. That kind of emotion doesn't just go away because you want it to, honeybug."

Beany peers over at me then,

"Did you just call me 'honeybug'?"

I nod slowly,

"Yeah."

"Why?" he asks.

"My brain defaulted."

"Understandable."

"Sometimes I wear Edward's t-shirt, close my eyes and pretend he's still here."

"That's really creepy and sad."

"I know."

"Sometimes I still jerk off to a picture of Mike."

"I didn't need to know that."

"I didn't need to know about the t-shirt thing either, so, sucks for you."

"At least my admission didn't involve a dick."

"Wait, Edward didn't have a dick? Wow, so did he have a vagina, or was it just, like, a Ken doll situation?"

"I don't like you. Or your face."

"Because they're separate entities now?"

"Shut up."

"Me, or my face?"

"Both. Both need a serious case of shut up disease."

I start laughing a moment before Beany does. We laugh hysterically for what feels like an eternity. Eventually when we calm down enough to talk semi-normally, I smile over at Beany and say,

"I'm really glad I know you."

Beany smiles back at me,

"I'm really glad I know you too."

Maybe things won't be so bad as long as I don't let my emotions rule me.

Yeah, right.

** Jacob's P.O.V **

"Evar, Evar, Evar!" Coda chants as soon as she walks in through the door.

Coda climbs forcefully down from his chair and runs full pelt towards Ever. I can only just about see her from the kitchen. I do hear a 'whumph' when Coda makes contact with Ever's body. I call out to him,

"Careful, Coda, you have to be gentle with girls."

Knowing what reaction that would get, I'm smiling even before Ever calls back,

"Oh yeah, come out here and say that!"

"Yeah, Daddy, come out here and say tha'!" Coda choruses.

"We can take him Coda," I hear Ever say to my son.

Coda is still giggling mischievously when Ever carries him in on her hip. I move to take both her school and over night bag.

"I was just about to come and pick you up," I tell her.

Ever shrugs,

"Yeah, well, I got Beany to drop me off and then I walked."

"You didn't want to go home, huh?" I whisper, low enough that Coda won't hear.

Ever's smile is strained when she says,

"I'd just rather be here with my two favourite guys."

Coda beams at that and then starts chattering away about the picture he drew today of a blue dragon, for Ever. I do online classes, so I can spend all day looking after Coda.

It amazes me how much my son has fallen in love with Ever. He talks about her all the time, and when she leaves he gets really upset. He asks if _'his Evar'_ will be staying over almost every night.

What's even more surprising is how much Ever seems to have fallen in love with Coda these past four months. I mean, I can't blame her, because I felt the exact same way the moment Coda was born. Just one look at his little face, and I fell. For life. I knew in that moment that I would die to protect him, that I would do anything to make him happy and keep him safe. That kind of love isn't like anything else in life, I'm sure of it.

Ever and I share a look that says we'll talk later about whatever's going on with Bella. Because it's always about Bella. I swear that girl is starting to scare all of us with the way she's behaving. I just hope to God that she doesn't get herself seriously hurt at some point. That would really fuck Ever up. She already feels guilty for causing her sister's depression. I disagree completely. Bella did this to herself, with a little help from John-Paul Cullen. All Ever was trying to do was save her sister's life.

Just in case you're wondering, yes, Edward contacted me only a month after he left. I didn't reply for a good two weeks. During those two weeks I argued with myself over and over again about whether I should answer him. All he texted was 'how is she?'. I know I should have deleted it and told Ever the truth. But something in me wouldn't allow that.

I don't understand what made me reply in the end. Maybe it was the look of agony in Edward's eyes when we spoke about Ever the night he came to my house. Something in my sympathised with that pain, and I felt his right down to my bones.

Whatever the reason, I did reply, but only with a brief 'She's fine'.

Edward didn't contact me again for another three weeks. The second time he asked about Coda first, before asking about Ever. I almost told him to mind his own business, but what would have been the point? We'd already crossed an invisible line by communicating at all. We texted back and forth about Coda for a while, and then very briefly about Ever.

Only five days after that conversation, he texted me again. That time I asked about him, and what he was doing. We settled into a rhythm after that, and now we talk every day. I don't know why, so please don't ask.

"So, what are we having for dinner tonight?" I say once Coda has shown Ever his picture and Ever crooned over how she loves it. It's a dragon, who doesn't love dragons.

"I was thinking pasta bake," Ever says thoughtfully.

"I'll eat anything you cook," I say with a smile. I'm truly not a good chief, but I've had to teach myself because of Coda.

"Ah ha, flattery won't get you a larger portion, Jay," Ever mock scolds me.

Coda giggles again and says,

"Big fat Daddy."

Ever bursts out laughing, and I give them both a wounded look.

"That's it, both of you, meany bo beany's. No dessert." I declare in my 'Dad voice'.

Coda's bottom lip sticks out in a pout, and Ever pretends to be mollified.

"Oh, alright then, but only one scoop of ice cream for you tonight little wolf," I squeeze Coda's ankle.

Coda breaks into another grin and riggles to down out of Ever's arms. Ever lets him go after one more fierce cuddle.

"Can watch TV now?" Coda asks, and he makes his sad puppy face at me.

I nod with a sigh,

"Go on then, but only for half an hour before dinner."

Coda brightens and scampers out of room so fast he practically leaves a cartoon puff of dust.

Ever sidles up to me then and bumps her hip against mine,

"You're so strict," she whispers.

I shake my head at her and laugh,

"You love it."

Ever smirks at me and nods,

"I do. I really do. Seeing you in Daddy mode is so weird...but strangely fitting as well."

"Oh don't start." I move away to turn on the stove.

Ever follows my lead and starts getting out ingredients whilst I set up the pan.

"I always thought you'd be a great Dad, you know." Ever says conversationally. But there's a tone of truth to her words.

"Yeah. Just not quite this early on in my life though, right?"

Ever tilts her head to the side, considering,

"Well, there is that."

I laugh self deprecatingly and sit down on one of the kitchen stools.

"Yeah, yeah, go ahead and say it. I'm a single teen father with bi-polar disorder, trust me I've set myself up for a lot of judgement."

Ever frowns in thought for a moment as she starts dinner. I'd offer to help her, but the last time I attempted to touch anything whilst she was cooking, I got bitch slapped with a salt shaker. I got rid of the pepper shaker when Ever and I realised neither of us like pepper, and since neither does my son, and no one else is coming around here any time soon, it seemed ridiculous to have it. Coda protested that pepper had to stay because he's salts best friend. I almost fell for that, but Ever managed to persuade Coda by saying the soap dispenser could be the salt shakers new friend. The only problem is that now the soap dispenser and the salt shaker must always, ALWAYS, stand together on the counter. If I ever try to move them, or forget to put them together after I've used one or the other, I get in trouble with my four year old son. You may laugh, but my son has wraith. I ain't messing the boy who decides if I get to sleep at night.

Of course then we had the ceremonious moment of throwing the pepper shaker into the bin, which turned into a kind of pepper funeral somehow. As I watched my son try to console the salt shaker as I was forced to give a pepper-based eulogy (why?), I wondered to myself whether I'd already permanently damaged Coda. I fear that, I truly do.

My mother ruined me, it would destroy me if I did the same thing to Coda.

That's the main reason why I haven't talked to Ever seriously about what's clearly going on between us. I can't risk hurting Coda, or Ever for that matter. They're both far too important to me.

I suppose if I was just some normal teenager, I'd be able to act like an idiot and not give a shit about anyone getting hurt. But I'm not normal. Ever isn't normal. Hell, nothing about our lives so far has been even close to normal.

Then again, what even is normal anymore?

"I'm really proud of you, Jay." Ever tells me seriously, her tone unnaturally sober. She fixes me with an intense look that singes my soul. If I even have one by this point.

"Ah, come on, you know I don't play that shit. You're a good man, and a great father. Don't ever doubt that ok."

I smile despite myself and reply,

"Promise you'll always be around to remind me."

I curse myself silently, that came out in completely the wrong way. I hold up a hand before Ever can respond, and I say,

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I don't ever want you to feel obligated to be here, with me or Coda. I know you have your own life, with your own aspirations and desires. It's not my place to try and manipulate you into making a choice you might not want to make, and I understand that."

Ever stares at me for a good minute, before turning the stove on low and sitting next to me. She takes her time, thinking of what to say, but finally Ever takes my hand. Her skin is smooth and warm. It fills me with a deep sense of contentment to have her so close to me. To be touching like this. Although...it still feels as if something is missing. I don't know what, but just... _something._

Ever meets my eyes as she says,

"That's bullshit, Jay. I've been spending almost every single day with you since-" she breaks off, a faraway look of pain flashing across her eyes before she continues, -"since Edward left. You've been there for me for the last four months. As far as I'm concerned, you have every right to ask if I'll be sticking around after graduation. Hell, you have more right than any one else. Except possibly Coda. God, I love that kid. I wouldn't ever want to mess things up with him, you know that, right?"

I nod slowly,

"I do know that."

"Then stop with all this rubbish about not wanting me to feel obligated," Ever smiles kindly at me, "You and Coda matter to me. I want us to discuss what'll happen in the future. I need to know what you want too."

I feel some kind of tightness in my chest suddenly lighten and dissolve. I didn't realise how much I needed to hear those words until Ever just said them.

"Alright," I agree, "then tell me where your head's at right now."

Ever sighs, and her brows scrunch together. It's her thinking face.

"Well, Beany and I were thinking about New York for college. There's some pretty great writing programs there."

Ah, Beany. I've met him a few times, and I like him. He's funny and cute, and he makes Ever smile, which only makes me like him all the more. I'm glad Ever has a friend like that. But the thought of her leaving, and going as far as New York, has my stomach all tied up in fucking knots. I don't like the thought of not being able to see her all the time. But then, I can't expect her to wait around here for the rest of her life. As much as I've enjoyed the domestic bliss we've been experiencing for the last four months, I know it has to end at some point.

"Then you should go for it," I say, genuinely meaning the words even though I hate saying them out loud.

Ever smiles at me like can see right through all the bullcrap. She always does. But instead of calling me out on it she says,

"Right, let's get on with dinner."

Ever jumps down off the stool and starts to move away. I stop her suddenly with a hand wrapped around her arm. I stand up too and whirl Ever around to face me. She looks up into my face, a question in her eyes. A spark of that desire burns through my body and snaps like lightening across my nerve endings. I wonder if she feels anything at all.

"I want you to stay, Ever. I do. I'm a selfish prick like that sometimes. But I want you to be happy more. So, do what you want to do, just keep me in the loop, ok." I say, my voice coming out deeper and more emotional than I mean it to.

Ever's expression morphs into one of confusion for a second, and she gasps when I smooth a thumb over her wrist. I know it makes me an asshole, but part of me feels gratified that she's at least somewhat affected by my closeness.

"I'll let you know, Jay. Just trust me." Ever says a little breathily.

"I do." I tell her. And it's the truth. No matter what the future holds for us both, that will never change.

...

The phone call comes in the middle of the night.

Coda was tucked into bed at eight after five of Ever's home made stories. I listened in from the hallway with a cup of tea. Because I'm really fucking old. On the inside.

Ever and I stayed up until around half twelve talking about everything and nothing. Coda. Beany's love life. Charlie. Bella. Although the Bella conversation was more of a rant on Ever's part. We also discussed going away for a weekend sometime soon.

I wipe the sleep away from my eyes and grab for my phone on the bedside table. After three unsuccessful tries, I finally manage to get a good grip on it. I swing the phone around so fast that I almost hit myself in the face with it. Smooth.

I frown at the screen and swipe to answer. But I say,

"Hold on."

I get up and pull on some jeans before going downstairs as quietly as possible and then out onto the back porch.

"Alright, go."

A deep voice like velvet says,

"You know, you don't have to make yourself look pretty for me. I can't see you."

"Sit on it and spin, you posh goth." I reply conversationally.

Our conversations always start out like this. Actually, what am I saying? They continue like this as well.

"You're always rude when you're sleepy," he comments drolly in that tone he knows makes me want to flick him in the eye. I don't care if he is a vampire, getting flicked in the eye fucking hurts no matter what.

"Then why call me at fucking three 'o clock?" I complain grumpily.

"Someone is clearly not a morning person," Edward says instead of answering my question.

I laugh without humour,

"This is not 'morning', you dick. Three 'o clock is the middle of the night. I got enough three am wake up calls when Coda was a baby."

Oh, Christ, what a terrible time that had been. Have you ever tried to balance a baby, a hot bottle of milk, a dummy and a teething ring in the dark whilst a tiny child is screaming at you and you've only had two hours of sleep in three days? No, well then you do not know what the edge of nervous breakdown feels like.

I realise I said all that out loud when Edward replies,

"Yes, of course, I do that all the time."

I snort,

"I don't need to know what you get up to in your personal life these days. Freak."

"Insults are the lowest form of assholery, Jacob." Edward says unaffectedly.

"Yeah, well, deal with it." I rub a hand over my face and lean against my porch, letting it take most of my weight.

"How's Coda? Did he finish that love song about Chip the tea cup from Beauty and the Beast and Flounder from the little mermaid?" Edward asks, clear amusement creeping into his voice.

I sigh heavily, a small smile forcing it's way through onto my own face at the memory.

"Yeah, apparently he 'ships' them. I didn't even know what that meant until Ever explained it to me."

"What _does_ it mean?" Edward asks, sounding confused.

Thank fuck I'm not the only one who doesn't understand what it means. Apparently it's an actually thing, and I'm a weirdo for not knowing.

"It's short for 'relationship'. When you 'ship' a couple it means you support them romantically. I think. That's what I got from it anyway."

There's a long pause from Edward, and then suddenly,

"Well, in that case I don't think a 'ship' between Chip and Flounder would ever work. They come from two separate worlds-"

"-literally."

"Plus one of them is a cup and the other is a fish. Think of the children."

"Coda calls them 'Flip'." I say.

"What?"

"That's their 'ship' name."

"What's a ship name-"

"Please don't ask me that, I can already feel my brain cells dying with that knowledge burned into my head."

Then we're both laughing, even though it's not all that funny. Except it is.

"How is Ever?" Edward asks, his voice tense and full of that same longing and pain.

This is always the part of our conversations that make me feel uncomfortable. For numerous reasons.

"Ever is doing great. Bella isn't."

"Why? What's happened?" Edward sounds worried, and I mentally curse myself for bringing Bella into it at all.

"She's still struggling. Today her and Ever had a sort of fight. Ever's pretty pissed about it."

"But she's also worried about Bella and blames herself for everything." Edward supplies knowingly.

I sigh again, this time from real weariness.

"Yes. I keep telling her she did what she thought was best for Bella at the time."

There's another long pause. This one is heavy and frustrating.

"I wish I could be there, to help her."

"I know."

"But I can't."

"I know."

"I miss her with everything in me."

"I know."

"Good night, Jacob."

"Good morning Edward."

We hang up at the same time. If there's one thing we can agree on, it's when a conversation needs to end. Before it goes too far.


	5. Cheater

"Beany, the espresso machine is attacking me again!" I call out to my best friend.

Beany comes ambling out of the back, wearing his Forks Café apron. He drew a line at the blue Forks Café caps though. I'm wearing mine backwards, because I'm cool. I feel like a rap star. Or is that only if you wear them sideways? I'm not sure of the gangsta politics involved. I assume I'd have to get myself a hoe. And one of those bouncy cars. And a feather hat. Wait, am I thinking of a pimp now? Damn, this is all so confusing.

The espresso machine screams at me again, and I wince. The pot of milk hisses at me, and I hiss back at it.

Beany laughs at my faux-anger and takes over. I believe all women can do what any man can do, except pee standing up and aim, but if Beany wants to risk his life battling with the beast coffee maker, then I'm willing to play the part of the little woman.

Beany manages to get it working, only scalding himself twice in the process, which is better than my nine, and he hands the drink over to our customer. The big man who just ordered a skinny mocha (what? I must have missed the part where Forks morphed into LA.), eyes both me and Beany like we're completely incompetent. I make a face back at him. It's ok as long as our manager doesn't see me do it. Like last time. But in my defense, that kid was being a dickhole and I was defending my right to wear my apron in the style of a cape.

It turns out I do not have the right to wear my apron like a cape. Who saw that one coming?

I'm also not allowed to call our customers twatwaffles. Even if they are total twatwaffles.

"Stop being mean to the customers," Beany warns, whilst not looking at me, and instead flipping through Men's Vogue.

"I'll stop being mean to them when they stop...bothering me." I counter with a purposeful hair flick.

Beany arches an eyebrow,

"How exactly do they bother you?" He asks, sounding amused. The fabulous prick.

I frown at him,

"They...exist." I mutter plainly.

Beany snorts out a laugh. But then his eyes catch something over my shoulder and his eyes brighten.

"Look, here comes one customer I'm sure you're happy exists." He smirks a little.

I turn around, and a grin so wide that it hurts, splits my face when I see Jay walking into the Café. I move over to the counter and attempt not to seem almost desperately happy to see him. I think I fail, because Jay is grinning right back at me with equal intensity.

"Jay-" I start at the same time Jake says,

"Lyna-"

Then we both laugh. I hear Beany scoff something about 'cute lovely dovey crap'. I ignore him pointedly.

Jake runs a hand through his ebony hair, which I finally convinced him to cut short by the way. We had a battle with the kitchen scissors, which Coda refereed quite enthusiastically. I must admit, over the last year Jay has grown into one hell of an impressive looking man. He was always tall, but by now he has to be at least six foot five. The other day I got Coda to stand by the door frame of the kitchen door and let me measure him with a red pencil. His favourite colour this week. I marked Coda's height and his age on the door frame. I figured we better start documenting it before he shoots up like his father. Coda wanted to measure me as well, so now I have my name and height written on the door frame in blue pencil. We added Jake's later on that day in green pencil.

Anyway, yeah, Jake is tall (so damn _tall_ ) and built now too. I have no idea where these muscles have come from, but fuck a duck, I'm not complaining. His face has also lost it's pretty baby quality, and is now more rugged and hard. Sexy, even. Jake may not notice the way people (girls, women, Beany) stare at him, but I sure as hell do.

I'm not jealous though, because I know that even if he did start dating anyone, I would still be the one he loved the most. And if that makes me a bitch, then I don't care. Because it's true.

Besides, Jake doesn't go out enough to meet anyone. He's told me more than once that he prefers to stay in with me and Coda. He doesn't even spend much time with the other people on the reservation, apart from his father of course.

"How's the garage today?" I ask, leaning forward on the counter top.

Jake started working at the local mechanics a few months ago. Now he has me helping out with Coda on a regular basis, he felt it was time he got himself a real job. I was in support of the idea, if only so Jake can have something of his own. As much as I know he loves his son, Jake isn't exactly the house husband type. He can't cook for shit, for one thing. Although he does know his way around an ironing board, I have to give him that. You have no idea how much washing a young child produces, it's crazy.

Jake leans forward on the counter as well, having to bend almost in half to be even somewhat level with my short arseness. Our faces are close enough that his hot breathe mingles with mine. Something inside me clenches, both in pleasure and in distress. Pleasure, because I really like having Jay so close to me. Distress, because for some reason, his hot breathe reminds me of how Edward was always so cold. Not in a bad way though. It's odd that I can feel so...attracted to two men who are, in most ways, very different. Even their temperatures are different. I know that made no sense, but please just bear with my insanity, as you've been doing up until now. Both their personalities and looks are at odds, that's what I mean. Fire and Ice. That's what they are to me.

"The garage is fine. Danny wanted to close up shop early, so I have the afternoon to myself."

Danny is Jake's boss, a man about my Dad's age with light hair and an impressive beard.

"Is Coda still with Billy?" I ask, a pleasant buzz settling in my stomach.

Jake rolls his dark almond eyes at that,

"Yes. I called, but Dad insisted on keeping Coda for the rest of the day just as planned. He says he never gets to see his grandson because I keep him locked away in my cave of self imposed isolation."

I smile sympathetically,

"You are one fierce momma bear, Jay."

Jake doesn't even argue with me, because he knows it's true. Jake is an easy going kind of guy, but when it comes to Coda, he's intense and protective as hell.

"Don't be cute." Jake flicks my hair.

I smirk at him,

"I'm always cute."

Jake's expression changes from something teasing to something far more serious,

"You're beautiful. All the time."

"Even when I wear my massive boy t-shirts and baggy checked lazy PJ bottoms?" I ask, the words coming out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"Maybe especially then." Jake says with one of those small, secret smiles. The ones meant just for me. It reminds me of Edward's secret smiles in the way that they hit me so powerfully.

I shake my head, blushing like an idiot despite myself,

"You're such a weirdo." I slap his arm. Wow, that's hard.

Jake laughs and grabs hold of my hand, he traps it between both of his much larger ones. The contrast of his dark skin to my almost ghostly paleness fascinates me for a moment. Although maybe that's just an excuse not to meet his eyes. I know he's watching me, I can feel his gaze on my face.

Jake says,

"Although, I did really like that dress you wore last week. The strapless dark blue one."

I look at him suspiciously,

"You only liked it because it was short."

That dress is one of my more 'come hither' dresses, I'll be honest. Not that I was inviting anything. Right? Nope, no way. Seriously, not going there.

Jake caresses my hand with his thumb, and a zing of something electric shoots through my entire body. I find myself shifting closer to him without meaning to. I instinctively move into his heat now whenever we're together.

"I liked the dress because the colour matches the blue in your eyes." Jake says meaningfully, but then after a pause he adds, "I also liked it because it was short. I'm a man, we like that kind of thing. Don't blame me, blame biology."

"I already blame biology for too many things as it is," I wave him off, attempting to brush away the intimate feeling of the moment. I don't want to give Jay the wrong idea.

Don't scoff at me, alright.

I hear Beany mutter something along the lines of ' _so_ in denial'. I fight the urge to flip him off.

"I was thinking we could spend the afternoon together once you've finished your shift." Jay sounds confident, more so than he would have almost five months ago. He knows I'll _want_ to be with him this afternoon. It's that kind of confidence that makes me feel excited in ways I never thought possible with anyone but Edward.

"Sounds great," I tell him, "I have about half an hour of my shift left."

Beany comes up to us then and says,

"Oh, go on then. Go frolic together, I'll cover for you."

I look at Beany for a moment and ask,

"Are you sure? I'd really owe you one."

Beany sighs dramatically,

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine. You can make it up to me later."

I nod at him enthusiastically,

"Of course, if a guy ever wants to spend the afternoon with you, I'll definitely cover."

Beany gives me an evil sea witch glare,

"That's not even remotely funny." Beany gestures at Jacob, "If a hot guy ever wants to be with me as much as hot fudge cake over here wants to be with you, then you'd never see me again. I'd be too busy getting horizontal with said hot guy."

"It could happen," I argue. I don't see why anyone wouldn't want to date Beany, apart from me of course, but I don't really count. Beany's the best.

Beany scoffs,

"Yeah, ok. What time are those little piggies meant to be flying by today?"

Jake smiles warmly at Beany and says,

"Don't put yourself down. You're a really great guy Eric. You know, cute and funny and smart, any guy would be lucky to have you."

Beany stares at Jake. I smile at him and reach over to squeeze his arm. Jake's so kind sometimes, it makes my insides go all stupid and girly. I might need to go kick some ass with Kevin later to make up for all this gooey-ness.

Beany sighs and tips his head at Jake, then he looks over at me and says,

"I think your husband is coming on to me, Sid. You better go smex him up, or I will." Beany winks at Jake, causing Jake to laugh. I expected him to blush or something, but Jake just says,

"Shhh, not in front of my wife, Eric."

I give them both my best death glare,

"Alright, that's enough excitement for you two."

"Don't be jealous of our love, Sid. One day you might find something this special too." Beany says, leaning over to pat Jake's shoulder. He gives me a suggestive look.

Jake laughs again, and I ignore Beany's obvious double meaning.

"Come on, let's go." I say. I go to hang up my apron and grab my jacket.

Beany and I do our usual goodbye double fist bump before I leave with Jake.

Bella is using Gordan again today, so I got a lift with Beany to work since we had the morning shift together anyway.

I hop into Rukky and flash Jake a quick smile as he gets in on the other side.

"Where are we off to then?" I ask him.

"How about some lunch, we have time to go up to Port Angeles, my father has informed me that I will not be picking up Coda until he calls me to say I can." Jake rolls his again in exasperation.

"I cant blame him for wanting to spend more time with Coda. The boy's amazing."

He really is. Coda is the sweetest, and possibly the most insane, child I've ever known. He's definitely a sneaky kid, but he's very rarely bratty. Somehow Jake, barely out of childhood himself, has managed to instil both patience and kindness into his son. I remember once, during the first month of Edward being gone, I started crying during the night whilst staying over at Jake's. My room is closest to Coda's, so he must have heard me. Coda snuck into the guest room and climbed up onto the bed. He asked me if I was having a bad dream. I told him no, that I was just sad. I was worried Coda, being such an inquisitive child, would ask why. But instead he just asked if he could sleep with me, and when I said yes, he curled up against my body and hugged me, his little hands holding on tightly.

In that moment, as I looked down into his beautiful tiny face, I felt a love bloom inside of me that is unlike any other feeling in this world.

Jake sighs and starts up Rukky, who cranks to life. He just drives for a little while, not replying. I give him space, since clearly he needs time to think about his response. I don't mind waiting.

"I know I keep myself cut off a bit," Jake says finally, "But when Coda was born, I was a kid. A kid who had no idea what to do, or how to look after a baby. Everyone at the reservation kept trying to give me advice, except their advice differed from person to person, and it was confusing. In the end I just decided to raise my son by myself, alone. It was definitely harder than having everyone help out. But I still think it was the best decision for everyone involved."

I take a while to absorb that information, and then say,

"I get that Jay. You did what you had to do, what you thought was right. But you've more than proven yourself capable. Maybe you could loosen the reins, just a little, and let other people help. I don't mean everyone. Just...your father. Me too, if you want."

"I already trust you with Coda more than anyone else." Jake says firmly.

It warms my heart to hear those words.

"I'm glad. But if you need more from me, then I'm here."

"I know." Jake says, a small smile on his face.

The moment feels heavy, but not exactly uncomfortable. I never feel uncomfortable with Jake.

"Right then, you were saying something about lunch." I move us on to another topic.

The tension between us is immediately released, and Jake says,

"Right, there's that Italian restaurant by the beach, you wanna try it?"

I smile at him,

"Yeah sure, sounds good to me." I look down at my own hole filled jeans and well worn jacket, and then I eye Jacob's battered oil spattered jeans. I add, "But we should stop at home first and change, we don't want the Italian waiters to call the cops on us."

Jake nods,

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea. I can't be arrested wearing these jeans, that'd be so embarrassing. When I get arrested I like to look as stylish as possible for my mug shots."

I bark out a laugh at that. But then it catches up to me what I just said.

Home. I said home. And I meant Jake's place when I said it. I called Jake's cottage, home.

And Jake knew that I meant his place too. Which means he see's no problem with me calling his house my home.

I'm not sure what that means, but it means something.

...

"So tell me what's going on with Eric?" Jake asks. Our food has just arrived, and I'm eager to scarf down my pasta. But because of the fancy table clothes and bird-like napkins, I restrain myself.

I look up at Jake after a few bites, and say,

"He's just pissed at himself for still being hung up on Goldy."

"Ah, the elusive Mike. Do you think Mike still loves Eric though?" Jake asks, seeming genuinely interested. But then, Jake's always like that about anything important or significant to me.

I shrug one shoulder,

"Maybe," I look out of the window. We got seated on the far side of the restaurant, so we can see the whole expanse of the beach. "But he's still not comfortable enough with himself to admit to being gay. And Beany needs someone in his life who can embrace their relationship, not hide it."

"Sounds fair to me." Jake says. His eyes are watchful and warm as he looks at me. "Do you think Eric will ever get over him?"

I'm not sure what to say to that, because even though Beany is my best friend, I still don't know exactly what goes on inside his head. I'm not a mind reader. That makes me think of Edward, and for once a memory of him makes me smile instead of causing internal pain.

Progress, right?

"I'm not sure anyone ever gets over their first love. It stays with you forever, because it was the first time you felt something so intense for another person. That's not an easy feeling to forget."

Jake frowns slightly, and I worry for a second that I've upset him somehow. But it's not until he asks his next question that I understand.

"Do you think you'll ever be able to let go of Edward?"

"I have let go of him. I was the one who sent him away, remember." It feels like I'm lying, even though I'm not.

Apparently Jake thinks so too, because he says,

"I'm not asking you to be over him, Lyna. I would never do that to you. It's not a me or him kind of situation, ok."

I bite my lip in thought for a moment, and then say,

"Jake?"

I look around the nice, fancy restaurant, and I think about everything that led us to this moment today.

Jake tilts his head to the side and replies,

"Yes?"

I have to pause for a second, before asking him,

"Is this a date?"

Jake's eyes widen,

"What? No!" But then he looks around, and I see the same realisation that hit me, dawn on him.

If it looks like a date, feels like date, and sounds like date, then what is it? Just two friends having lunch? Right?

Yeah, not even fooling myself with that one.

Jake holds a hand up suddenly and says,

"I swear that I didn't mean for this to be a date."

I run a hand through my hair and let out a long breathe.

"I suppose we should have talked about this sooner."

We've been ignoring the obvious for about five months now.

Jake's shoulders slump a little and he leans forward, resting his elbow on the table. Our eyes lock. Jake says,

"Yeah, I think it's about time."

We stare at each other then, for at least ten minutes, neither of us saying anything. To most people it might look like we're staring lovingly into each others eyes. But in reality, this is an emotional stand off. Neither one of us wants to admit how we really feel, because, once we do, that'll be it. We won't be able to pretend anymore.

Of course Jake is the brave one who starts us off.

"I care for you, Lyna, more than anyone else in my life apart from Coda. I love being with you, and talking to you, and having you around all the time. And yes, there's a part of me that would also love to kiss you, and take you out on dates, and hold you, and introduce you to people, and Coda, as my girlfriend. God yes, I would love to call you _mine_. But I also understand that you are not ready for that. I know that you still love Edward. I'm not making any kind of ultimatum, it's not my right to do that."

I let his words soak in for a moment, before saying my own piece. I force myself to be as honest as possible.

"I want you Jay. I do. I feel connected to you in so many ways. I want to be with you practically all the time. I think you're an incredible man. I know you haven't been a boy, not really, for a long time. I respect the hell out of you. There's part of me that wants to be with you, and commit to you completely, because nothing less would be good enough for you. You deserve someone who can give herself to you completely. And I desperately want to be that person in your life. But...yes, I still love Edward. And I don't see that changing any time soon."

We lapse into silence again.

I don't know what else we can say to each other.

"I can't risk hurting Coda." Jake's jaw hardens, and I see the pain in his eyes.

"I don't want to hurt him either, Jay. You know that by now." I reach over the table and touch his hand. He locks our fingers together, and I let him because it feels so damn good right now.

Jake nods slowly,

"I really do trust you with Coda, Lyna."

"Then what are we really saying here," I try to sound as level minded as I can, "That we want to be together, but can't because of this and this and that."

"It sounds kind of ridiculous when you put it like that," Jake admits with a huffed laugh.

I shake my head,

"It's not ridiculous. Our reasons are valid. But it is frustrating."

Jake catches my gaze again and says,

"Yeah, frustrating sounds about right."

"Maybe...maybe if we took it slowly?" I don't know what I'm saying, but I also know that I'd be an idiot to let this chance slide.

Jake leans forward a little more and asks,

"In what way? I don't think I'd be able to be casual with you if we were together Lyna. You're not just any woman to me."

He's right. We could never be casual. If Jake and I ever decided to be together then it would be for the long haul. I know that right down deep in my gut.

But there's that feeling again. The one that tells me we're missing something. Both of us.

I can see my future with Jake. We'd be happy, Jake, Coda and me. We'd be a real family. I see myself with Jake, in a way I never allowed myself to with Edward.

It strikes me then, how truly stupid it is for me to put off being with a man I care so deeply for, because of a man I never would have had a future with in the first place.

I meet Jake's eyes with renewed confidence and I hold his hand more tightly.

"Like I said before, maybe you never get over your first real love. But that's no reason to stop yourself from moving on when you have the chance."

Jake appears to think that over for a while. His expression changes, flickering from one emotion to another. He eventually settles on hope.

"What are you saying? I need to be sure. _We_ need to be sure."

I smile sweetly at him, unable to stop my heart from accelerating in response to the intensity in his voice.

"I'm saying I want to be with you. I'm saying I want to give us a chance."

"I want to give us a chance too." Jake says, his eyes flashing with excitement.

"But I think we should keep it from Coda, just for now, until we've found our feet." I say, knowing it's what Jake wants too.

Jake relaxes a little and says,

"Yeah, I think that would be best. I don't want to rush anything with him."

I squeeze his hand again,

"Then we won't. He's your son, Jay. You decide when the time is right for Coda to know."

Jake takes both my hands in his and smiles genuinely.

"Thank you for understanding that."

I smile back at him, a pleasant fire brushes against my heart, causing me to shiver.

"So then..."

I try to come up with something to say now that we've literally laid everything out on the table. I feel too ridiculously happy right now. Even if a small part of me also feels sad at the thought of really moving on from Edward. I still miss him. I think I always will. But I need to concentrate on the here and now, especially as the here and now is pretty damn great.

"Tell me how Bella's doing?" Jake picks up the conversation gauntlet.

It's the perfect lead in.

I sigh heavily,

"The emotron 5000, is not doing so well."

"Is she any worse than usual?" Jake asks, sounding honestly concerned.

I shrug one shoulder,

"No, not exactly. But she went out with Chatty the other night. A horrifying event for all involved I'm sure. Since then she's been slightly less zombified. But I don't think she's getting any better."

"Maybe Bella just needs more time." Jake says reasonably.

I frown thoughtfully,

"No, what she needs is to get the hell out of Forks as soon as possible. She can't stand the memories of JbishboshP."

"Do you think Bella would leave if you brought it up?" Jake sits back a little.

I consider the idea, but quickly dimiss it.

"Nah, she'd tell me to go to hell."

"That's very violent of her." Jake offers.

I puff a bit of air out of my mouth,

"Tell me about it. Bella bop is a feisty little hedgehog these days."

**Jacob's P.O.V**

"Daddy! Please can I help wiv cakes?" Coda pleads, putting on his sad puppy face.

I smile down at my son,

"Ask Ever. She's the head chief around here."

Coda jumps excitedly and runs into the kitchen. I stand up from the sofa and follow him.

Ever and I stopped at the grocery store on our way to pick up Coda, to buy some supplies for making cup cakes. She said it could be a celebration of our new start without actually being a celebration.

When I enter the kitchen, I see Ever setting out all the ingredients on the counter top. Luckily I do actually have some baking utensils from the times I've attempted to make birthday cakes for Coda. Let me tell you, that first birthday cake I 'baked' looked more like a crispy log, and tasted like a crunchy brick. The mothers on the reservation offered to make it for me. But I wanted to do it myself. I guess there was a weird part of me that needed to prove I could do everything. I needed to prove to myself that Coda didn't need a mother, because he had me.

Woah, that sounded way more sexist in my head than I meant it too. Obviously not only mothers bake. But at the time it just felt like another way I was letting Coda down by not being enough for him. I wanted my son to have everything, including a mother. But I could never give him that.

Right now Coda is pressed up against Ever's leg, his little fingers gripping onto her thigh.

"Can I help Evar?" Coda asks, practically vibrating with excitement.

Ever pretends to think about it for a moment, but then grins down at Coda and says,

"Of course you can, sweet heart."

Coda beams so brightly that I feel almost blinded by it. He does a little fist pump into the air.

"Yay! What can I do?" Coda looks up at Ever expectantly.

Ever bends down to pick him up and sit him down on the counter top.

"Right, first off, we have to wash our hands so our cakes come out squeaky clean."

"And yummy?" Coda says.

Ever nods and smiles,

"And yummy."

Ever helps Coda to wash his hands in the kitchen sink, and then she starts weighing out the ingredients. Ever lets Coda spoon sugar and flour and baking soda into the egg shaped weight seesaw one after the other, and then pour it into the mixing bowl. Don't ask me about the technical terms for anything, because I have no idea.

I watch them together from the kitchen doorway. I don't know what it is about that picture, the two of them together like that, but it makes me feel whole in a way I never imagined I could feel. Or at least almost whole.

I leave for a moment to grab my camera, and when I say grab, what I really mean is rummage like crazy for a camera I haven't used since Coda was two. I do eventually find it, and I bring the camera downstairs. Ever and Coda have apparently added the eggs, and are now mixing with two wooden spoons. A smaller one for Coda.

I take a picture of them just as Coda brings his spoon up to lick and Ever starts laughing.

They both turn to me at the same time and exclaim,

"Daddy!

"Jay!"

I shrug at them and bring the camera down,

"Well, if you two didn't look so cute..."

Ever points her spoon at me,

"Watch it, Jay, I am not cute."

Coda points his spoon at me too, and he narrows his dark eyes,

"Yeah, Daddy, Unicorns are not cute, they are sparkly and badass."

I attempt to admonish my son for his use of language, but it's just too funny for me to make my sternness convincing.

"Hey, you, watch that mouth," Ever says firmly, but her expression softens straight afterwards and she adds, "But you're very correct. Now lets get on with these cakes."

Coda happily goes back to twisting his spoon around in the bowl. Ever winks at me, and then turns on the mini radio by the sink. Ever starts singing to some random pop song, and soon enough Coda is singing along with her about ten times louder. I set the camera down and join the two people in my life who I care about the most.

...

I'm expecting the phone call this time.

I'm downstairs, sitting at the kitchen table, staring down at my phone when it rings.

Ever fell asleep next to Coda on his bed, and I decided not to wake her up. I phoned Charlie to let him know she'd be staying over. He didn't sound all that surprised. I covered Ever and Coda with a quilt, and then came downstairs to wait.

I don't think I've ever anticipated one of Edward's phone calls this much. Although I have noticed over the last few months that our conversations have become less of choir. I look forward to them now. You don't have to tell how fucked up that is, I already know.

And yet I haven't told him to stop calling.

"Hey, Edward." I take the phone outside with me so there's no chance of Ever overhearing.

"What's happened?" Edward's voice is laced with concern.

"What do you mean? I'm fine." I say.

"You only ever start the conversation with a 'hey, Edward', when something is bothering you." Edward explains.

I go to deny it, but then I realise he's right. I do always start off that way if I'm upset or worried. Damn him for knowing that about me. He shouldn't know me that well. And I sure as hell shouldn't care enough about him knowing me to feel glad. Happy, even.

There is something horribly unstable inside my head. But then, we already knew that. Hello, bi-polar pills.

"So, tell me. Is there something wrong with Coda? Ever? Your father? Bella?" Edward prods, sounding more worried now.

I frown to myself,

"Why can't there just be something wrong with _me_?"

Edward sounds oddly sober when he replies,

"You'd never worry about yourself."

Again, damn him for knowing me.

"Ever and I spoke today about..." I trail off before finishing the sentence because a painful ache comes over me at the thought of telling Edward about Ever and me being together.

I don't want to tell him. I don't want him to know about it. And I have no idea why.

"About your feelings for each other?" Edward asks, although it's less of a question and more of a resigned statement.

"Yes." I say simply, a spark of tension seeps into my body and settles there.

"What did you decide?" Edward's voice is cold, and devoid of emotion. But behind that mask of indifference I hear the pain and vulnerability.

Turns out I know him more than I should too.

"I don't want to talk about it with you." I say to him. I'm a little shocked at my own honesty.

There's a long pause from Edward's end, and I wonder if he'll demand I tell him what Ever and I decided. But instead he says tightly,

"Then you better come up with something we can talk about that'll distract me."

I'm left feeling both relieved and nervous by his response.

I desperately try to come up with something that will be more important to Edward. But I know that's useless because nothing is more important to Edward than Ever. I've known that since the moment he came to my house the night he left Forks.

So, with all that in mind, I attempt shocking instead.

"When I was six my mother tried to kill me."

I force the words out. I don't know why I'm telling him. I've never talked about it with anyone other than Ever. Not even my father. He knows about it of course, but I refused to speak about the actual event to anyone, even the police and the doctors. That was the first time my Mom was taken away to a psych ward. It was not the last. It wasn't even the last time she tried to kill me. But that first time was definitely the worst.

There's a long pause from Edward, and the moment feels unbearably heavy. I almost hang up from the weight of it. But, for whatever reason, I need to know what he'll say. It _matters_ to me. What Edward thinks matters to me.

I am so beyond screwed.

Finally Edward replies, his voice careful and polite (which means he's pissed as all hell. The more gentlemen-like Edward sounds, the more pissed he is.)

"What happened?" he asks the question like he doesn't want to know, but can't stop himself from asking anyway.

I get that. I feel the same when Ever tells me things about her past.

So, I tell him. I tell him what happened to me.

"I was six. By then I already knew my Mom wasn't like other Mom's. She'd be fine and normal one day, but then for no reason at all she'd change. It was like she became a completely different person. My Dad called her a free spirit, and I guess in a way she was. But...her mood swings often became violent, especially when Dad wasn't around to curb them. She would shout and break things a lot. Once I came home from my friend's house and she'd thrown all my toys and clothes out of the window. She was screaming and yelling, saying nasty things about me and my Dad. She told me it was time I learnt to appreciate what I had. She made me pick up all my toys and clothes, and put them in a pile. Then she burnt them all." I pause for a moment, taking a breathe.

The memory of those times hits me harder than I'd like even after all these years. I know I'm getting off track, but I need Edward to understand that she was sick. It wasn't all her fault.

Edward doesn't say anything at first. I wonder if he's even still listening at all. But then I hear him say tightly,

"Go on."

So I do.

"But there were other times when she was the complete opposite. Once she came to my school in the middle of the day and took me out. We spent the whole day driving around with the music in the car turned up so loud that it hurt my ears. We sang loudly, and my Mom laughed all the time. She got us five ice creams each and we ate them on the beach with the car still blasting music. We went shopping in Port Angeles and she almost destroyed a dress shop we went into by dancing around the aisles and throwing the dresses around like confetti. I laughed and danced with her because she was my Mom, and when you're a kid that's all that matters. I found out later that my Dad had no idea that my Mom had taken me out of school. He'd been frantic ever since the school called him. He phoned everyone looking for me. He and my Mom had a really big fight that night. I snuck out into the woods because I didn't want to hear them yell at each other any more."

I take another long breathe. I know now that I'm just putting off telling him. Edward knows it too because he says, his voice surprisingly gentle,

"If you don't want to tell me, then that's fine. I didn't mean to pressure you, Jacob."

I shake my head even though he can't see me.

"I want to tell you."

"Are you sure?" he asks sceptically.

Am I sure?

"Yes."

"Alright then." Edward says, as if that's final. It makes me feel weirdly relieved that Edward sounds so confident and calm in the face of my impending emotional meltdown. Ten points to team Edward for that then.

I take one more steadying breathe that doesn't sound steady at all.

"My Mother woke me up in the middle of the night. She'd been acting strange, even more so than usual. Secretive, almost. I don't think it was something instantly noticeable. But by then I was used to studying my Mom, and judging her mood by the way she was acting. It was a necessary survival tactic to be honest. My Dad didn't do it, so I had to. I don't think he wanted to admit that there was really something wrong with the woman he loved so much. Love can make you selfish like that. Anyway, she woke me up and took me to the beach. It was really dark, but the moon was full. We sat near the edge of the water for a long time. My Mom didn't speak, so I didn't either. I learnt early on that it was better to keep my mouth shut. But then, after a while, she started talking about...well, she was telling me a story. You know the one about my people and...the wolves."

I wait for him to respond. I wait for a long time.

"I know the story."

Of course he does. But this isn't the time to start a fucking supernatural debate.

"Right, so, I already knew the story a hundred times over. But this time felt different. That's all I really remember. There was something not quite right in her voice. I don't have any memory of what happened leading up to...it. Everything was kind of blur after she took me into the ocean. I do remember that it was cold. And I remember screaming."

It's weird because, real screaming doesn't sound like it does in the movies. It doesn't sound scary or shrill. It just sounds...desperate. Like it's been wretched out of your throat by some invisible force.

Edward makes a noise halfway between a growl and a snarl. His voice is frighteningly angry when he says,

"She tried to _drown_ you."

I gasp out a breathe, realising I've been holding it for quite a while. I hate thinking about that night. It makes me feel horribly weak and ridiculously fragile. I almost died that night. In fact, I would have if my father hadn't woken up and realised we were missing. He got the whole reservation out looking for us. I was already unconscious by the time they dragged me away from her. Apparently she put up a good, hard fight.

My father had no choice after that but to send my Mom away. I always felt responsible though. She got taken away because of _me_ , and that hurt. When she eventually came back, things were never the same.

"At least now you're officially distracted," I say tonelessly. The words stick to my throat like drying plaster board.

"That's not even remotely funny," Edward says harshly. He still sounds really pissed. I worry that I've upset him too much by sharing my fucked up-ness. Guilt starts to creep into my heart.

But then Edward says more quietly,

"Please tell me you didn't just share that with me because I made you feel like you had to." I hear the guilt and shame in his voice, and it confuses me.

"No...no...I told you because...because..."

Why did I tell him?

"...I don't know why. I just did."

"That's not really an answer, Jacob." Edward sounds serious, and worried and genuinely angry that anyone would ever hurt me.

Ok, now I'm frustrated all to hell.

"Oh for fucks sake, Edward. I don't know! Why did I tell you something that personal? I don't know. Why do we talk every single night, sometimes for hours? I don't know. Why do I care what you think about my past? I don't know. Why am I betraying the woman _I love_ just so I can talk to the man _she loves_? I don't know. Why doesn't talking to you feel wrong, the way it should? I. Don't. **Know**. There, happy? Does that about cover everything for you?"

I'm breathing fast, almost panting into the phone. He must be wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. The answer to that is a lot of things.

Edward sounds just as wound up however when he replies,

"I won't stop calling you."

I blink in confusion,

"I didn't tell you not to call me."

"I know," Edward says firmly, "But I'm putting it out there anyway."

"Oh...alright. Good."

'Alright, good'? What the fuck brain? Why? Way to sound like an asshole.

And yet, I feel monumentally relieved.

Somehow he knew what I would need to hear.

And that freaks me the fuck out.

"What are you thinking?" Edward asks curiously.

He asks me that pretty much every time we speak. For some reason it makes him happy when I tell him what's going on inside my head.

"I'm thinking that I'm sorry for bringing all that shit up, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable or-"

Edward cuts me off,

"Stop that, stop that right now."

"Stop what?" I ask.

Edward makes a frustrated sound and says,

"Stop blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault. And I include what that _woman_ did to you." He says the word 'woman' like it's a curse. Ever's the same way though whenever we talk about my mother. I know Ever hates her, although she would never say so outright.

"I'm sorry." I say, unable to think of any other response.

"Jacob, I mean it. You're...you're a good person. I don't like to hear you sound so defeated. So, please, don't talk about yourself that way."

I sigh heavily, not sure how to respond to such an honest request.

"Admit it, you like me." I try for a joke to fill the silence.

"Maybe a little bit." He admits. Why is he doing this? No, no more serious talk, it's giving me a fucking headache.

"Then you are mentally deranged." I inform him.

"Seems to work for you." Edward quips, apparently realising how much I really need to not be talking about my bullshit feelings any more.

"That's because I have endless skills. In fact I have so many skills that you can't even comprehend just how ninja I am. I am a life ninja. Deal with it."

"You sound so much like Ever sometimes." Edward says, and for once when he mentions her name there's humour in his voice as well as the pain.

"Is that a compliment or not?" I ask.

I can practically feel him smiling when he says,

"At first I thought she was corrupting you. But now I'm beginning to think it's the other way around and that you've always been the madness ring leader."

I put on a mock hurt voice,

"Hurtful, goth boy, very hurtful. You should think about your hurtful, _dastardly_ , words."

"You know it's true though."

"I know nothing of the sort, Sir."

"Nonsense."

"Did you just say 'nonsense'? Honestly, Edward, sometimes it sounds like you walked right out of Wonderland with the way you talk."

"Doesn't Coda say that Alice in wonderland is stupid because the Cheshire cat was obviously the best character and by all rights should have eaten Alice."

"He shouted at the TV 'eat her kitty, eat her!'"

"Your son is bloodthirsty."

"Funny hearing that from you."

"I'll have you know that being a vampire really sucks."

"Hold on...did...did you...did you just pun at me?!"

"I'm a very punny person."

"You need to leave now, like seriously, I don't think the universe wants you here anymore."

But even with the bad puns I can't stop myself from laughing. I don't know how Edward has the ability to make me open myself up so intimately one moment, and then minutes later have me laughing.

"Admit it, you like me." Edward mirrors my own words back to me.

My heart jackhammers inside my chest in response. Because apparently I'm a tween girl now. Go me.

"You wish."


	6. Friends

"What's going on with you?" I ask my sister.

Bella gives me a mighty mouse sniff and replies,

"Nothing. I'm fine."

Oh yeah, fine as a basket full of hedgehogs fighting over a brush.

"Then why are you sneaking around all secretive and shit?" I eye her curiously.

Recently Bella seems to be doing better. Or at least she's stopped acting like a zombie. I can tell Dad is hopeful, yet worried at the same time. He wants Bella to be less emotastic, to move on like I have.

I wish I could tell him that I haven't moved on at all. Not really. I still dream about Edward every night. I still miss him pretty much all the time. The only difference is that I have Jay and Coda. I love them both like they're my own family. No one makes me happy and protected and content the way Jay does. Coda has become my world in a way I never expected. I didn't know it was possible to love a child this much.

I want so badly to be there for both of them. But I also worry like hell about Bella. I see the changes in her, but they're superficial at best. She isn't really living, not in the way she used to. Bella's always been slightly removed from people, and she finds social situations hard to handle. But now it's like she doesn't even care. About anything.

It makes me feel guilty, because I know it's at least partly my fault. But I can't be sorry for sending JP away either. He was a danger to her. Now she's a danger to herself. I'm not sure which is worse at this point.

"I'm not being secretive," Bella argues half-heartedly. It seems like everything she does and says these days is half hearted.

I narrow my eyes at her from across our bedroom and say,

"Alright. You don't trust me enough to tell me, I get that. But please, Bella, whatever it is you're up to, just be careful."

Bella dark eyes flicker up to meet mine. She shakes her head slowly and sits forward on the bed,

"I can't promise you that. But…just believe me when I say what I'm doing is helping me…deal."

I take in a sharp breathe, not liking the tone in her voice. But I see the determination in her expression, and I know I won't be able to sway her by just talking about it. So instead I decide to try a different tack.

"Look, how about you come for a walk with me, Jay and Coda? We're going to Billy's for lunch later on, you could come to that as well. I'm sure he'd love to have you. You can meet Coda properly, he's so wonderful, you'll love him. Then tonight I'm staying over at Beany's, you could-"

"I'm busy today, Ever." Bella says tightly.

I frown at her,

"Doing what?"

Bella sighs long and hard,

"Just leave it alone, Ever. I'm eighteen years old, I don't need you to babysit me."

I run a hand through my hair and grit my teeth. God, why is she always so difficult? I might have to knock her out with Kevin 2.0 and sell her to….hippies, or something. Maybe they can make her happy. Or give her drugs. Whatever works.

Actually no, Bella+drugs=BIG NO NO!

Oh! Oh! Hold the fucking phone! I could give her to the circus, and tell them she's actually a witch! Do they have witches at a circus? Or am I thinking of Magicians? I could be a Magician, except for the fact that the Cullen's _stole_ Robbie, my amazing top hat. They _hatnapped_ him, the scoundrels!

I hope Queen Bee keeps Robbie around to remind her of me. I miss her the most. After Ward. Sort of. She does give better hugs.

If I'm going to be a Magician then I also need a cape. With sequins on it.

A cape just isn't a cape without sequins. No matter who you are, or what you believe in, I think we can all agree on that.

"I'm not asking to babysit you, I'm asking you to be part of my life. For real." I tell her, and I hear the bit of desperation leaking into my voice.

Bella's eyes turn molten with unrelenting fury. Her words fly at me like daggers, each of them aiming for the heart.

"What? So I can be part of your perfect little family with Jacob and his kid? You're such a freak, Ever, why can't you ever just be normal and react to things in a normal way. You always have to be different or special. Dad and Mom keep telling me to be more like you. It seems they've forgotten how fucked up you were. _Are_. Better keep popping those crazy pills, or you might just end up back in the loony bin where you belong."

Before I can say anything in response, Bella gets up and flounces out of the room. _Flounces!_

I just sit there for a long time. My mind exploding with pain and anger. I didn't think she was that pissed off at me. Then again, Bella's always been pissed about my, for lack of a better term, _issues_. It's not something I would ever glorify by saying it brought us closer. If anything what I went through pushed my sister and I further apart.

We were never close. That's just a fact. We're very different people in some ways. In other ways though, we're not as different as either of us would like to believe. It's almost like Bella is my reflection in a wonky trick mirror, like those ones in wacky fun houses you get at fairgrounds. It's you, but not at the same time, it isn't.

I know Bella would hate to think that we're anything alike, and that makes me sad. It makes me feel like I've failed her. No matter how much we fight, I would never want her to hate me. I don't think I could ever hate Bella, even if she can be a big bitchy emo face sometimes.

Eventually I get up and go downstairs. Bella is already gone, but Dad is there, sitting at the table. I sit down opposite him and lean back in my chair. I can feel Dad watching me cautiously. I know that when Edward left, and I was so upset, that Dad was afraid I'd spiral out of control.

But I've always been good at hiding my pain from the people who love me. And my own brand of crazy. I never thought I'd have to deploy those skills again, but from the way Dad keeps eyeing both me and Bella, I can tell some damage control is needed.

I force my body to relax and my expression to soften. I sit forward in my seat again and rest my arms on the table in front of me.

"Did you and Bella have another fight?" Dad asks, there's a strange note of trepidation in his tone.

I'm guessing he asked Bella the same question and she bit his head off. Now I have the image of evil octopus Bella chomping off our Dad's head. It's funnier to me than it should be.

BEWARE OF THE SUCKY BELLAPUS! BEWARE I SAY!

I accidentally snicker out loud and Dad's eyes widen in confusion. Damn.

"We just had a little tiff, Dad. I wanted Bella to come out with me and Jay for a walk, but she didn't want to. That's all." I explain calmly.

Dad regards me for a moment, and then says,

"How are things between you and Jake?"

My heart squeezes and I reply carefully,

"Good. I mean, great actually. I really like spending time with him and Coda."

"As….friends?" Dad questions. There's curiosity in his eyes. Double damn.

Jay and I agreed not to tell anyone about the progression of our relationship. I don't want to over-complicate things for everyone. We're still finding our feet on that front.

Being with Jay is very different to how it was with Ward. The sexual spark is there, of course, but it's not quite the same with Jay. What I mean is, with Ward it was like lightening coursing through my body whenever we touched. Our relationship was exciting and dangerous and incredible. Our connection was all fireworks going off constantly inside my body and mind. We had a unique kind of passion.

What I feel for Jay is another type of unique. With Jay I feel more secure and cared for. It's a softer, maybe even deeper, sense of attraction. Jay has the kindest heart of anyone I've ever known, and he makes me want to be a better person. His warmth and tenderness consumes me completely. Jay makes me feel special, important. I hope I make him feel the same way. He's under my skin, and I don't think I'll ever be able to dig him out. I hope I never have to try.

With Edward, I wanted him, then I loved him. With Jacob, I loved him, then I wanted him.

I can't say either is better than the other. It's just different.

I smile at Charlie and say,

"I care about him a lot Dad. Let's just leave it at that for now."

Dad watches me for another long moment, and then says,

"Alright. He cares a lot for you too. I can see it in his eyes. That boy's been through….a lot-"

"I know that Dad." I say firmly. I really don't want him, or anyone, thinking I would hurt Jay. I already hurt one man I love, I don't ever want to do that again.

Dad nods at me,

"Good," he fixes me with an intense look, "I want you to be happy, Ever. You've been through a lot too. So if you and Jacob make each other happy, then I'll support you no matter what."

Something hot and sharp makes my eyes sting, but I blink the tears away. I get up from my seat and move around the table to hug my Dad. He seems surprised at first, but then he hugs me back. We hold onto each other for a while. It's not perfect, but that doesn't matter because it feels right.

…

"Swoosh me! Swoosh me!" Coda calls out excitedly.

Jay and I laugh as we both grip onto one of Coda's hands each and sweep him up off the floor and into the air. He swings upwards, laughing hysterically, and then he falls back down onto his feet. Jay steadies him to make sure he doesn't twist his little body too harshly, but Coda is already shouting for us to do it 'again, again'.

"We said that was the last time, little wolf, c'mere," Jay lifts Coda up into his arms and starts to tickle his tummy.

Coda begins laughing again and wriggles like crazy in his father's arms.

"St'p st'p, Daddy!" Coda squeals, still laughing.

I take Coda into my own arms and he stops trying to escape. I let Coda wrap his legs around my waist as we walk through the woods. He holds on tightly to me and pokes his tongue out at Jay.

"Saved. " Coda says, squeezing me once. He mock frowns at Jay and points at him, "Bad Daddy."

Jay gasps dramatically and says to me,

"I can't believe you've turned my own son against me already."

I smirk at Jay gleefully,

"It wasn't difficult, you are bad."

Jay shakes his head in mock woe and helps me climb over a fallen tree. It's difficult to navigate whilst carrying a four year old.

"Are we gonna go see Grandpa?" Coda asks. He settles in against me and lays his head down on my shoulder.

"Yeah Grandpa's making a special dinner for you." I say to Coda.

Coda perks up excitedly,

"Really?"

Jay nods and ruffles his son's dark hair,

"Yeah, his very own super special pasta. He made it for me all the time when I was little."

"Daddy was lil' wolf?" Coda says, his voice going high at the end. It always does when he's especially curious about something.

 _'Daddy, what does this red_ _button_ _do?'_ (The on button for a chain saw in the garage.)

 _'Evar, are ants just really tiny_ _people_ _?'_ (An ant hill was found in the back garden. He collected them up in a pot and put them in the freezer. We will never know why. All he said when we asked was 'they're ice ants'.)

 _'Daddy, do_ _wishes_ _really_ _come_ _true? Or do I have to be wooden first?_ (Pinocchio fiasco. He stayed up all night wishing on multiple stars for his wooden frog to come alive.)

You see a pattern here, right?

A pattern of madness.

"Yes, Daddy was very little, just like you." Jay says with a warm smile.

My heart flips over a few times at the sight of that smile aimed my way. I've seen photos of Jay as a child, and Coda does look a hell of a lot like him.

"But now he's massive," I tease, reaching over to squeeze one of Jay's thick biceps.

Coda giggles,

"Fat."

I can't hold in my snort of laughter. I cuddle Coda closer to me. This child is a comedy _machine_ , seriously.

"Now you're both just being mean," Jay says with a shake of his head.

A few strands of my hair fall into my face and I try to blow them away. Jay laughs and pushes them behind my ear. In doing so his fingers brush my cheek, and a shot of pure sunlight warmth spirals down into my core and ignites a more than pleasant buzz in my stomach.

It's crazy how instinctively my body reacts to Jay. But then, it's always been kind of like that with him, even when we were kids. He was so different from other people, I knew that then just as I know it now. There was almost something...magical, about him.

I can't help but be reminded of how it felt to be touched by Ward. He was so gentle, yet firm, and almost demanding in his need to touch me. It was like a whirlwind of emotions bubbling up inside me whenever he was close.

The feelings Jay incites in me feel more...solid. More certain.

Again, not better, just different.

Jay smiles at me again. His fingers linger against my cheek for just a few moments before he lets his hand drop away. I miss his touch the moment it's gone.

His dark eyes flash with something heated, and for not the first time, I wish we were alone. But I'm all too aware of Coda still sitting on my hip. Maybe we can explore things next week when we have our first 'official' date. Billy has agreed to look after Coda for the night until we get home.

I keep waiting for this to feel wrong, or weird, or like I'm betraying Edward. But so far nothing. Although there is still that sense of something missing between me and Jay. Not because I care for him less, or don't want to be with him.

But just something we're both missing. Something vitally important. I've had that feeling before, but I was with Edward at the time.

I'm distracted from my thoughts by a rustling sound coming from behind a big cluster of bushes. Jay is immediately on alert, his body stiffening with tension.

"Jake, is that you?" A voice calls out from behind the bushes.

A second later, two young men come into view. They're both obviously from the reservation. One is smallish and lithe looking, but tall like Jay. His hair is long like Jay's used to be. The other boy is shorter, but more muscled. He looks like someone gave him a buzzcut.

When I chopped off Jay's hair, I convinced him to have it cut shorter on the sides and back, and then longer on top. The look suits him, as confirmed by Beany when he first saw him afterwards. That's when he started calling Jay 'hot fudge cake'. I keep telling Beany that it's even worse than when he called Edward 'stud muffin'.

But all Beany says is that he likes my new future husband. He's informed me that Jay is less scary than my old one. He's such an idiot. But he's my best friend, so I put up with his ridiculousness. That's what real friends do, they accept and support each other's crazy.

When Tweedle and Twuddle catch sight of me, they both freeze, and their eyes widen a little in surprise. Tweedle looks between me and Jay a few times, whilst Twuddle just watches us, a grin lighting up his face.

Jay seems to have relaxed, but only slightly. I know from what Jay's told me that he doesn't get on well with most of the guys at the reservation. He says he didn't have much time for them in his life, what with Coda and school and keeping the house up together and his own mental health 'issues'. So now he feels apart from them, like an outsider. He says most of them treat him like one too.

"Hey guys," Jake says, and he sounds reasonably tension-free. But I know him better. He's uncomfortable. I just don't know exactly why.

"Hey Jake," Twuddle says, still grinning at us like a kid in a candy store.

Coda is being mysteriously quiet. In fact he's kind of frowning at Tweedle and Twuddle. I did think, after his fast attachment to me, that Coda was just a sociable kind of child. But I've noticed over the last five months that the complete opposite is true. He doesn't like other people that much.

I think Coda's a good judge of character, and therefore he's picky about who he trusts. I can understand that.

But Jay worries that when he closed himself and his son off from the rest of the world that he somehow damaged Coda. He thinks Coda's untrusting nature is his fault for not being more sociable himself.

I don't know if that's true. But I do know that Coda is sweet and gentle, and not at all mean spirited. So he's wary of strangers, there are worse traits a child could have. Besides, once he starts school he'll be around people all the time.

Twuddle winks at me and says,

"Hi, there."

Oh dear God, honestly, the youth of today. They're all bonkers.

Jay clears his throat, it's a rough masculine sound that grasps all of our attention. He introduces us,

"Quil, Embry, this is Ever."

"One of Charlie's girls, right?" Twuddle asks. He steps forward and holds out his hand to me. I shift Coda on my hip and take his hand. We shake once and then let go.

Twuddle appears to flex his arm muscles at me, and I have to stifle my snickering against Coda's shoulder. I don't want to offend Twuddle's fragile male ego. He might cry or something. I really don't like to make teenage boys cry, it's mean.

"I'm Quil. Quil Ateara," he says, in the same tone someone would use whilst announcing that they are in fact _James Bond_.

I tip my non-existent hat at him,

"Righto. Always nice to meet a fellow bush enthusiast."

That sounded so much gayer out loud than I thought it would. Brilliant. I'll keep that one locked away to tell Beany about tonight.

Jay is clearly trying not to laugh, and I lean over to discreetly pinch him. Twuddle just looks confused.

"Hey, Ever," Tweedle is up next, with a big smile on his face. He waves shyly at me, "I'm Embry Call-or...um, you probably already figure that out."

Aw, I like this one. He's cute. I'm a fan of anyone who waves at someone from only four feet away.

"Hello, Embry," I smile at him and manoeuvre Coda so that I can lift my hand to wave back. I whisper in Coda's ear,

"Say hello to Embry. He waves, we like him."

Coda slowly uncurls from his almost defensive position and looks right at Tweedle,

"Hello." He waves with his tiny fingers.

Embry/Tweedle grins at Coda and does the same wiggling motion with his fingers back. Coda smiles a little, but still doesn't reach out to touch him like he did with me that first night.

"So what are you all up to?" Twuddle asks, he's still watching me for whatever reason. I'm beginning to have Gary flashbacks.

I feel goggled.

"We're on our way for something to eat at my Dad's," Jay explains. It might be my imagination, but I swear he's moved closer to me. I definitely feel the heat of his strong body more than I did a moment ago.

"Cool, cool," Twuddle says, nodding.

"More interesting question," I say, "What are you two doing out here?" I raise my eyebrows suggestively.

Jay catches on quickly and grins a little,

"Yeah, and out here behind some bushes. Alone. Together."

Twuddle practically sputters himself to death, whilst Tweedle just seems confuzzled.

"Nothing!" Twuddle announces, "Just out...walking."

How can someone make the word 'walking' sound so dodgy? I don't know, but Twuddle's managed it.

Jay and I share a look, and then Jay says,

"Sure."

"Whatever you say," I add with a smirk.

Tweedle appears to catch on then, and he blushes crimson.

"We were...um..."

"Smoking," Jay says more seriously, his expression one of disappointment, "Yeah, I can smell it."

I blink in surprise, I can't smell anything. But then again, I wasn't looking for it before. Jay clearly was.

"Your parents would kill you if they found out." Jay says. He's using his 'Dad' voice. "Plus it's very irresponsible to smoke out here, you know that. Remember when Sam accidentally caught that tree on fire. He could have burned down half the forest."

Twuddle and Tweedle both start shuffling their feet. They are clearly affected by Jay's 'Dad' voice. It's vastly amusing to me.

"Alright, don't get all parental on us, Jake." Twuddle mutters, looking embarrassed now.

Jay sighs wearily and runs a hand through his hair,

"I'm not getting parental. I'm just saying you need to be more careful. Think, before you act for once, yeah."

Tweedle nods quickly,

"Yeah, Jake, you're right. Sorry."

Jay smiles then, all traces of seriousness gone from his expression,

"Nothing to be sorry for, Embry. I'm just saying, that's all."

Tweedle smiles tentatively back, appearing glad for whatever reason that Jay isn't angry with him. I can't decide if that's weird or not.

Jay looks over at me,

"We better get going, or my Dad will think we've bailed on him."

I nod in agreement,

"Yeah, come on." I shift Coda in my arms. He's getting a bit heavy now, and I don't relish the thought of carrying him all the way to Billy's.

Jay notices my slight wince as I move Coda and he reaches out to take his son. But Coda holds on fast, his grip tight. I laugh and shrug at Jay.

"Swallow defeat momma bear."

Jay just grins, and I immediately get suspicious. I let out a cry of surprise when Jay moves to scoop me up into his arms. I hold onto Coda fast and move him so that he's safely on top of me and won't fall.

"There, now you can rest your tiny feeble body." Jay says, sounding pleased with himself.

I hit Jay's shoulder,

"Put me down, you lunatic."

Coda laughs in delight, and then starts humming the song 'A dream is a wish' from Cinderella. He's obsessed with that movie this week. He likes the evil cat Lucifer the best.

I'm thinking that maybe he wants a cat. It might be something worth looking into at some point.

"No way," Jay says, "you look about ready to fall over. Just accept my status of cargo camel and relax."

I glare at him,

"Are you calling me 'cargo'?"

Jay laughs and says,

"Yes. Deal with it."

I almost start swearing at him, but then I remember Coda and I keep my mouth shut. I give Jay a look though. A look that swears vengeance.

HE SHALL RUE THIS DAY! RUE IT!

…

"Hey Ever…and _friend_?" Beany eyes me and Leah suspiciously. "Or stalker?" he offers.

I roll my eyes at Beany and say to Leah,

"Ignore him, he's just a fairy princess."

Leah nods in understanding, like that makes any sense at all. I really like her. That's why I've invited her round for movie night.

She was over at Billy's when we arrived for dinner, and once she got off the phone, we started talking. It turns out we get on really well. Surprisingly so, even. So I figured I'd get her over here to have some fun with Beany.

Beany pokes his tongue out at me, and says,

"Shut it, moon shoes." Starkid. Don't ask. He points at me and says to Leah,

"Watch this one, she bites."

I take a nip at his finger and he pulls back with a yelp.

"See." He says, giving me evils.

"Don't whinge," I say, and I hold up a tub of ice cream. His favourite kind, rocky road. I wave it in front of his face. "May we pass, great genie?" I make my eyes go all big and pleading.

Beany stares stonily at me, but then sighs and moves away from the door,

"Come on in then, you couple of rascals."

I grin at Beany and drag Leah in through the front door. Beany's parents are away, which is one of the reasons why we decided to have a night in.

"There's something I need to tell you-" Beany starts whispering to me.

I freeze in shock when I get into the living room. It was meant to be just me and Beany. Apparently that's changed.

Sitting on the sofa in the living room is Goldy, Chatty and Algebra (Angela). They all look up at me. Goldy with a big grin, Chatty with open hostility, and Algebra with a small tentative smile.

Gadzooks, what the frikaty frak is going on here? It's like the freakin' twilight zone all up in here.

After a long, slightly awkward pause, I clap my hands together and say,

"Hey….everyone." I gesture at Leah, "This is Leah Clearwater, she's older than you lot, so she's in charge until I get back."

They all look confused as I turn around and drag Beany from the room. As I pass Leah I say,

"Feel free to use the hose on anyone who doesn't behave."

Leah mock salutes me and says,

"Yes, Sir, I'm on it."

Seriously, she's majorly cool.

Once I have Beany in the kitchen with me I thump him over the head and say quietly,

"What the shiz nit, B?"

Beany sucks in a harsh breathe and rubs at his head,

"Ow, Sid, jeez. No need to murder me, I'll tell you everything I know."

I lean back against the counter and gesture for him to continue.

Beany sighs and rubs a frustrated hand over his face,

"Look, Mike came round earlier to talk. He said he wanted for us to be friends again, for all of us to hang out like we used to."

"We used to hang out? When was this? Was I asleep? You lot better not have come into my room whilst I was sleeping. I take offense to that kind of tomfoolery." I arch an eyebrow at him.

Beany rolls his eyes dramatically at me,

"Yeah, I know, I know. But Mike…he just wants everyone to get on. What's the harm in spending one evening with everyone watching some movies?"

I slide him a glance, immediately suspicious of his easy agreement to this plan. I don't know how I know, but something in Beany's eyes must tell me, because I gasp and point at my friend,

"You had sex with him!"

Beany blinks rapidly, and I see him try to come up with a lie, then an excuse. Finally he gives up and slumps back against the countertop,

"Maybe a little bit."

I narrow my eyes at him,

"A little bit? How can you have sex a _little bit_? Either you screwed or you didn't, dude. Come on, this is me you're talking to."

Beany looks so embarrassed and oddly horrified.

"It just happened." He says lamely.

I give him one of my best 'no bullshit' looks.

"Beany, I love you, I really do…but that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

Beany sighs heavily and lets his head fall forward against my shoulder. He buries his face in my hair and says,

"I fucked up. Sorry."

I gently smooth Beany's hair,

"Don't be sorry, you idiot. I'm just surprised is all. You have to admit it's kinda weird."

Beany nods, but he doesn't look up,

"I know. We were just talking, I swear. We talked about our relationship, and all the things that went wrong-"

"Yeah, mainly him being a major douchnozzle." I mutter irritably.

"Hey, you're the douchnozzle's friend too, remember." Beany teases.

I make a sound of annoyance,

"Yeah, yeah, shut up. Go on, finish your ridiculous sex story that 'just happened'."

Beany flicks my hair and continues,

"So, anyway, suddenly he kisses me and I'm like 'woah, what the frak'-"

"Rightly so, yeah-"

"-but then he's all 'I miss you and shit and-"

"-I _wuv_ you so much. I'll never _wuv_ anyone the way I _wuv_ you-"

"-Yeah, basically. So then I was like 'no way, you hurt me, you don't get to just come back'-"

"-Respect yourself, Beany. Ain't no one man who wants to marry a manwhore with no self respect-"

"-For realsies. But then he kissed me again and it felt so good and…yeah, my dick won the argument-"

"-What a surprise! Whoever heard of a man doing something stupid because his dick told him to? Oh that's right, EVERYONE."

"You are _so_ sexist," Beany says, and we both crack up laughing.

We almost end up on the floor because we're laughing so hard.

Eventually though, Beany and I go back into the living room. Everyone is still waiting there for us. Leah seems to have made herself comfortable on the floor. She's got the bowl of popcorn in her lap.

"Hey, Ever," Goldy says. He sounds freakin' ecstatic. It's unnerving. Men act strange when they get laid.

I give him a knowing look and say,

"Glad to see you're so…chipper, Goldy."

Goldy looks down, clearly now knowing that I know. He blushes furiously, and I smirk to myself.

"What film are we watching then?" Chatty grumbles. She still seems upset with my existence, which just serves to make me feel even more like annoying her.

I fall down on the floor next to Leah, and Beany sits on my other side. I peak up at Goldy, and sure enough he looks disappointed. That might have something to do with the fact that Beany is refusing to look at or even acknowledge him.

Beany leans forward and grabs a handful of DVD's from the table. He brandishes them like playing cards, a small smirk on his face.

When everyone else catches sight of the titles there are a few groans. Chatty, however, appears pleased with the choice.

"Yay, I love those movies!"

"I've read the books," Algebra volunteers.

I grin back at her. I do like Algebra, she's a lot nicer than Chatty, or any other girl at our school for that matter. I honestly don't know why Bella and Algebra aren't closer friends. The two of them seems quite alike in temperament and personality. Although Algebra does smile on occasion so maybe not.

Beany and I, for a laugh, decided to rent the Nightfall series and watch them all in one go. The four movies are 'Nightfall', 'New Sun', 'Crescent-moon', and 'Breaking Dusk'. They're based on a book series written by Bethanie Mayor.

"You can't be serious," Goldy complains, "Those are teen romance bullshit."

Chatty actually physically assaults Goldy and huffs at him,

"They're not bullshit, it's a beautiful love story about a human girl and a one hundred year old Demon."

"Stupid human weakling and creepy old man," Leah coughs loudly behind her hand.

Chatty glares at Leah, and I hide my own smirk.

Beany and I only wanted to watch them to make fun of how much the main character, Stella, reminds me of my sister. Beany pointed out that the male lead, Edmund Callows is a lot like JP. It's a pretty good observation. Edmund is sullen and boring, so yeah, they're pretty similar.

"I'm team Jackson all the way," Leah says, mock seriously, "I mean, he's a Werecat, that's totally awesome."

"No way!" Chatty screeches, "Team Edmund for life. He's so Stella's soul mate, like, duh."

I snort and wave a hand,

"Nah, forget them, the hottest guy is clearly Edmund's pseudo surgeon father, Carlson."

"Ew!" Chatty makes a face, "That's gross."

But Algebra and Leah both laugh. Leah says,

"There's nothing wrong with a bit of older man." She winks at me.

We fist bump.

"How about you, Beany, what team are you?" I ask, teasingly, and I push at his arm.

Beany shrugs,

"I don't know. I kind of like the blond friend at the high school, Mark."

"Ah, he's got a thing for blond all American boys," Leah waggles her eyebrows suggestively.

"Speaking of," I say, turning to Goldy, "How about you?"

Goldy immediately goes pink and sputters,

"Um...uh...how would I know which guys are hot?"

Hmmmmm. That does not bode well. I take Beany's hand and squeeze it tightly. He squeezes back.

I dismiss Goldy with a scoff and turn back around.

Whilst everyone else is still discussing the validity of Stella's love for Jackson, and her undying _wuv_ for Edmund, I pop in the first movie.

It doesn't take long for the string of complaints to start up.

"But he **glows**!" Goldy says, like the very idea disgusts him, "What kind of Demon glows in the moonlight? I mean that's just stupid."

"I think it's original and cool," Algebra says with a shrug.

"Plus it makes him look so gorgeous," Chatty adds happily.

I share a look with both Leah and Beany. We try not to laugh too hard.

I really wish Jay was here. There are so many things I know he'd find funny, or interesting. I want to tell him all about Beany and Goldy, and how much I want to throw popcorn at Chatty, especially when she's mean to Algebra. I want to share everything with him, even the silly moments like this one that don't really matter.

It's funny, I didn't think I'd ever feel that way about anyone other than Edward. I especially didn't ever think I'd feel that way about two guys at the same time.

** Jacob's POV **

"That's not even funny, just tell me!" I try to keep my voice on the level. The last thing I want to do is sound whiny.

"Why do you want to know?" He sounds genuinely curious.

"Because I feel like you know loads about me, and I know next to nothing about you." I explain slowly.

I'm in the living room, led out on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. All the lights are off, so I can barely see a thing. It's pretty late, probably past three o clock in the morning. Edward phoned me at around half eleven. We've already spoken about Coda, Ever, Bella, his family and my Dad. He's asked me about work and school. I've asked him about Europe, which is where he is right now. I think he said France this time.

All that's really left to talk about, is each other. Which I think makes us both uncomfortable. Probably for different reasons though.

"You know things about me," Edward argues softly.

I groan and say,

"Yeah, I know that your name is Edward Cullen, and I know you love Ever. That's pretty much it I'm afraid."

Of course that's not really true. I also know that he's thoughtful, clever, cultured, understanding, patient and strangely sober about life. I just don't know the why of any of it.

"You know me better than most." Edward says seriously.

It feels like an oddly intimate moment, so I ignore it.

"Edward, come on, just tell me."

"Why does it matter?" He questions again.

"It matters because I want to know things about you." Damn my stupid tired brain, what'd you have to go and say that for?

"Alright then." Edward sounds annoyingly satisfied, "My favourite colour is blue, not like the sky, but the dark blue of the sea."

"There, now was that so hard," I say after a long pause.

"How hard was it to admit that you want to know things about me?" Edward asks, teasing.

Bastard. He's got me now.

"You...are impossible." I tell him, but I'm smiling as I say it which ruins the whole effect. He knows I'm smiling. He can always sense it down the phone.

Edward laughs, the sound deep and silky smooth. My heart does that annoying somersault thing. I'm really starting to hate that.

"What else do you want to know?" he asks me.

I frown in thought. Now that is a good question. There are about a million things I want to ask, but I figure he won't answer them all in one go.

"Tell me about your childhood." I finally settle on.

There's a surprisingly tense pause, and then,

"What about it?"

I shrug even though he can't see me,

"I don't know. A good memory, a bad one. What was it like for you growing up? How about your parents, were they nice people? Tell me anything."

Edward doesn't speak for so long that I worry he's hung up, but then I hear him say,

"When I was about twelve or so, my mother decided I should learn to play the piano. I was far more astute with the violin to be honest. The piano was my brothers' instrument of choice. But she insisted that it would be good for me. John-Paul wasn't pleased about it of course-"

"Is he ever happy about anything?" I didn't mean that to come out so boldly. It's just that after everything both Ever and Edward have told me about JP, I find it hard to believe that he was ever a happy person.

"My brother is a...complicated man." Edward says carefully.

"You're a complicated man," I tell him, "Is he in the room with you right now? Is that why you can't say anything bad about him? If the answer is yes then say...'hot potato'. That can be our JP signal."

Edward's voice is strained when he replies,

"'Hot'? I don't really think you should be referencing my brother in those terms." Uh oh, he's using his ultra polite voice again.

I'm not sure what to make of his tone. He either sounds annoyed at me, or himself. I'm don't know which, because neither option makes any sense.

I say dismissively,

"Fine, _cold_ potato then."

"Ever used to call us 'rock people'." Edward muses, a smile in his voice.

"That's because Ever is a comedy genius! Alright, how about 'hot rock'?"

"Hmmmm."

"I mean _cold rock_."

"I suppose that's acceptable...but what are we even trying to do?"

"We're coming up with a signal for when JP is in the room."

"What room?"

"Your room!"

"I'm not even in my room."

"Then where are you?"

"Outside."

"That tells me nothing."

"There's a big rock next to me."

" _You're_ a big rock, and that still doesn't help me narrow it down."

"There are also shells."

"Edward, are you by the sea?"

"Yes."

"Is that why you said sea blue is your favourite colour?"

"Pretty much."

"Why?"

"I have a confession to make."

"Yes?"

"I don't have a favourite colour."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not eight."

"Is the cold rock even there with you?"

"What?"

"IS JP WITH YOU?!"

"No."

"Did you just manipulate me into not talking about your childhood?"

Silence.

I will kill him.

Then,

"I don't like to remember much from my time as a...human. It makes me wish for things I can't have."

Oh. Well now don't I feel like an asshole.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think of it that way. We don't have to talk about it if you really feel uncomfortable."

My heart pounds painfully with guilt and sympathy. I don't want to upset Edward just to sate my own curiosity.

"Really?" Edward sounds somewhat surprised. "You won't ask me any more questions about it?"

"Of course not," I say firmly, "I wouldn't want to cause you pain, Edward, you have to know that by now."

"I do know that," Edward says, "You're a very kind person, Jacob."

I bark out a laugh,

"Thanks. It's good to know that you think I'm a nice guy."

Edward's voice is all serious and intense again when he says,

"I didn't say nice, I said kind. There's a big difference. Anyone can be nice. But a truly kind person is rare. Trust me, I've been around long enough to know that."

I find myself getting all shifty and excited for no good reason at all. I don't understand my reaction, and it's scaring me a little. I've had a lifetime of harsh realities and painful truths. I really do not need any more.

"I need to go." I say.

"Are you sure?" Edward sounds disappointed. Or at least I think he does.

"It's really late." The words comes out more clipped than I meant them to.

There's another long pause.

"I apologise, I sometimes forget about the difference to our time zones." Edward says formally.

Damn.

"That's ok. Goodbye, Edward."

"Hold on!" Edward says before I can hang up.

"What is it?" I ask warily.

"Can I call you tomorrow?"

What? He's never asked before.

"You call me every night," I say, confused.

Edward seems to clear his throat before saying,

"Yes, I meant could I call you during the day? For example, do you have a break at work, or a lunch hour when I could talk to you for a while."

I feel a little sad then because that must mean he's too busy to talk at our usual time.

"Oh, what are you busy doing tomorrow night?" I try not to sound like a petty twit.

It's Edward's turn to sound confused,

"I'm not doing anything tomorrow night."

Oh. Again.

"Then you'll still call me tomorrow night?"

"Of course."

Huh.

"Then why do you need to talk to me during the day?" I ask.

"I don't _need_ to talk to you during the day. I just...want to." I can hear the cringe all the way from over here.

"Ok then." I know my voice has gone a little high. I'm just not sure how else to respond. I feel like an idiot. Edward must think I'm a complete freak by this point.

"Ok then?" Edward asks more slowly.

"Yeah, call me tomorrow around half twelve, that's when I usually have my break." I don't know what I'm saying! Somebody stop me!

"I'll do that. Goodbye Jacob." Edward says and he hangs up the phone. He sounded much more pleased than he was before. And oddly, I feel happier now too.

We are all doomed.


	7. Repetition

"Come on then, my fluffy one, let's go." I pick Coda up out of his car seat and almost fall right over into the mud. Luckily for everyone involved, Jay is there to steady me.

"Woah there, try not to face-plant the dirt quite so enthusiastically," Jay teases, and he takes Coda from me so he can walk around to the back of Rucky and sit his son down.

I get out Coda's wellington boots and skip around to meet them. The wellies are blue and have Mickey mouse on them. Coda picked the shoes out himself, of course.

When I suggested we take Coda out to 'Bluebells farm-zoo', I didn't know if Jay would go for it or not. Despite being friendly and kind hearted, Jay is also one of the most anti-social people I've ever known. That's one thing he and Edward definitely have in common.

But he seemed quite enthusiastic about the idea, which made me happy. I don't know if he sensed that it was important to me or not, but either way he made a big deal out of it. Coda was obviously delirious with excitement at the thought of going to whatever a 'farm-zoo' is.

Like, seriously, I have no idea what that actually means. I only know about the place because I heard one of my teachers who has children talking about it at school. She said it was great and that the kids loved it. I thought it might be worth checking out.

I looked the place up online, and on Bluebell's website it was described as 'a fully fun times farm experience'. I showed that to Jay and he said "Well now we have to go, I refuse to miss out on the fully fun times farm _experience_ ".

I have to agree. It sounds either awesome, or stupid, I can't decide which. I'm determined to make sure Coda has the best fun ever no matter what.

I hand one wellington boot over to Jay and he puts it on Coda's socked foot. I put on his other boot. We decided it was best to get Coda wellies just in case the 'farm experience' turned out muddy as all hell. Looking around now, I see that our forethought will end up being well received.

"Daddy," Coda says, sounding thoughtful and excited.

Jay looks up and smiles at Coda,

"Yes, little wolf?"

Coda bites his tongue between his teeth and tils his head to the side. That's his thinking face. We both wait for Coda to speak, knowing full well he won't be rushed.

Eventually Coda asks very seriously,

"Will I get to pet a chicken?"

I have to hold in the impulse to snort with laughter. I know Coda would not appreciate it, not when he's asking a serious question in his no nonsense voice. Plus, I have no idea if they will let you pet the chickens. Maybe.

How do you even pet a chicken? They have claws don't they? I really hope a chicken doesn't take a swipe at me. I'll have to defend myself and Jay. Perhaps I should have brought Kevin 2.0.

"You might, we'll have to wait and see," Jay says to his son. He turns to me and leans in to whisper, "I know that look, you will not have to do battle with chickens. I'm the biggest, therefore I will fight any and all dangerous poultry we come across."

I love that he knows me well enough to see exactly what I'm thinking from just watching my face.

"If I pick out a good chicken and it lets me pet it, does that mean we get to take the chicken home and eat her?" Coda asks, sounding eager.

Blood thirsty little fluffy thing.

"You be nice to those chickens," I warn him. Coda laughs when I tickle his neck.

"If you want chicken tonight then we can buy some chicken from the supermarket, there's no need to go hunting for one of our own," Jay says, pretending to sound stern, but I can hear the humour behind it.

Coda shrugs,

"Ok. But I'd be good at trapping a chicken. I'm fast."

I nod at Coda as Jay and I help him down from the back of the truck.

"Yes, yes, you are a fluffy super ninja, those chickens ain't got nothin' on you."

"Too right," Coda says in his cute tough guy voice. I don't think he means it to be cute, but it is.

"You two behave, I won't have any shenanigans," Jay says with a small smile.

"Bossy," I whisper discreetly to Jay.

Jay just grins and takes Coda's hand in his. Coda reaches up to hold onto my hand as well so that we have him walking between us.

It turns out that a farm-zoo is pretty much code for 'petting baby animals'. There are lots of different pens with all the animals you would expect to inhabit a farm/petting zoo, such as piglets and baby goats and infant rabbits and little chicks. There are also a few that you probably wouldn't expect. For example, deer and squirrels and a few baby Llamas.

I become obsessed with a tiny pony they have in the same field as the baby cows and fouls. It looks like a teeny tiny grey shire horse. I love him so much that I want to take him home and snuggle with him. Hey, don't judge me, you can't see this pony. According to the farm-zoo lady, I have no idea what her actual job title is, the mini pony's name is Cricket. And he is _gorgeous_.

"I want one," I say to Jay as I stroke Cricket's mane.

I see Jay give me an amused look out of the corner of my eye, but I ignore it. He will not ruin this for me.

"I'm not getting you a tiny pony." Jay says, humour alight in his voice.

I turn to him with a frown,

"If you loved me then you would get me one."

Jay rolls his eyes and leans against the wooden gate,

"Oh, alright then. But we'll have to steal this one."

I nod and grin back at Cricket when he rubs his nose against my hand,

"That is acceptable."

I hear Jay laugh and he says,

"I don't know who's more enamoured, you with this pony, or Coda with those kittens."

I turn to look over at Coda who is sitting down on a handmade quilt and covered in kittens. Seriously, there are three in his lap, two on his shoulders and one curled up on his head. Coda looks like he's in heaven he's grinning so much.

We definitely need to get him a cat. Or a kitten.

I stand up and smile slowly at Jay. If I want to get my way with this one I'll have to be sneaky. Or at least I thought I would. But when I see how happy Jay looks to be watching his son playing so contentedly with those kittens, I wonder if he'll concede more easily than I first imagined.

Jay looks back over at me suddenly. He quirks an eyebrow and says knowingly,

"I recognise that face."

I lean in a little closer to him, and as if on instinct Jay wraps a strong arm around my shoulders. I let my body naturally mould itself against his side and I place a hand over his heart.

"What face?" I ask him.

Jay's mouth quirks into a genuine smile. It's a beautiful smile that sends a wave of heat through my body. God, he's so wonderful. How anyone could not love Jay is beyond me. He's like a supernova, almost blindingly brilliant. He makes people feel good just by being near them. I know it's not just me who feels that way.

"That face you do when you're plotting something." Jay says with easy confidence.

I mock gasp,

"I never plot! Take that back you _fiend_!"

Jay brushes a kiss against the side of my head, and I struggle to contain the shiver of excitement at having him so close. Jay's body is hot and firm all over; it's like stretching out on a beach with the sun shining directly down onto me.

"Come on, tell me what you want and I'll give it to you. I'll give you anything and everything you want." Jay whispers into my ear, as if it's the best kind of secret.

Well, to be honest, right now I want him to drag me into one of those empty barns and rip off some clothing. His or mine, preferably both.

But I don't say that.

Actually, yes I do.

Jay sucks in a harsh breathe and runs a rather large hand over my waist, causing my stomach muscles to tighten. My t-shirt is thin and has ridden up enough that Jay can slide his hand across my bare skin, making sure to hook his finger into the waistband of my jeans and tug me a little closer.

I let out a gasping sound when Jay allows his teeth to graze the sensitive part of my ear. I have no idea if people are watching, and I don't actually give a flying fuck either. I've never been into PDA's, but Jay's magnetic touch just gets to me.

It's not like we're doing anything outlandish, although it feels raw as hell to me. But I also know that if we keep going on like this then obscene might be a possibility, and I don't want to scar Cricket like that.

So in an attempt to cool us both off I whisper,

"I think we should get Coda a kitty."

Jay immediately backs off a little at the mention of his son. I'll have to remember that as a tactic. He looks down at me, his arm still around my shoulders,

"I have noticed his obsession with them lately."

That's putting it lightly. Every other word out of his mouth for the last month has been somehow related to cats. I've now started a cat story saga based on the Harry Potter series for our nightly reads.

No joke people, Harry and the gang are now cats, and they go on cat-like adventures. Coda loves it and insists on a new Cat Potter story every night. We call the series 'Harry Catter and his kitty companions'.

Jay pretends to think its madness, but I know he listens to my stories out in the hall.

"I think it would be good for him." I say honestly.

Jay makes his thoughtful face, which is very similar to his son's. After a few moments he says,

"You're right, it might be good for him to have a pet. It would teach him a lot about responsibility."

I try not to smirk. He's such a Dad.

….

Getting a kitty turned into more of an event than you might imagine.

Jay went to ask the farm-zoo lady, I still don't know what she technically does here, about the kittens crawling all over his son. She was far more enthusiastic than we thought she would be. In fact she was so enthusiastic about us adopting one of the kittens that it was hard to say no to her.

Long story short, the woman tricked us, and now we have six kittens in our living room.

Yeah, you read that right. Six. Kittens. SIX!

'Technically' they aren't all Coda's. Two of them are mine. One of them is Jay's. I coveted one for Bella in the hopes that having a kitty will cheer her up. Hey, I saw that snickering, don't mock my hope. Bella could be happy. One day. Possibly.

Anyway, then the last two are Coda's.

They aren't all from the same litter, so each kitty looks different. My two are a boy and a girl. The boy I've named Draco, because he's got pure white fur and pale blue eyes. Plus he's a little bit evil and likes to pounce on your foot and nibble your toes. The girl is grey all over and I've named her Pebble.

Bella's kitty is Pebble's twin. I've decided to let Bella name her.

Jay's kitten is, weirdly, a strange brownish-black colour, and he's named him Benji. I asked him why, and he said that he likes the name. Honestly, it looks like I'll have to be the creative one in our relationship.

Coda is, of course, freakin' ecstatic about his new kitties. His are both boys. One of them is black all over and enjoys jumping from one piece of furniture to another, risking his life in the process. Coda named him Harry because of his green eyes, and ironically because he has a scar that slashes between his ears. His other kitty is ginger and a little on the tubby side. Coda decided to call him , or just Junior. Jay asked why and Coda informed him that his new kitty is Garfield Jr.

Well, obviously.

When I present Bella with her kitty, she surprises me by not being a complete prick about it. She actually appears pleased. I instantly feel suspicious.

"What's got you so chipper today?"

Bella shrugs at me distractedly as she plays with her kitty on the floor of our living room. I don't trust that look of whimsy on her face. It's disconcerting.

"No, but seriously, what's been going on with you?" I ask my twin, trying to get her to actually look at me.

Bella's been avoiding me for the last few weeks. I've only noticed because I've been trying to keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn't fall off the deep end. Her depression spiral scared me a little, and I'm not over that yet.

I don't think Bella is either. Not properly anyway. I know a thing or two about depression spirals, trust me.

Bella bop just shrugs again and says,

"Nothing much. Homework. School. Working with Mike at the shop."

Lie, lie, lie! I can practically smell it on her. Bella doesn't often lie to me directly, but when she does, it's easy to spot. A master spy, my sister is not.

"Bella, haven't we done enough of this bullshit, can you just tell me what the hell you've been doing that's made you act almost human for the last month?" I say, trying to keep the impatience out of my voice.

It definitely gets Bella's attention though. She sits up a little straighter and looks right at me. I feel the tension between us bubble over and reach breaking point. Again.

But Bella actually surprises the crap out of me by not yelling like a crazy child. Instead she says calmly,

"I bought some old beaten up bikes and convinced Aiden to fix them up for me."

I sit there, opposite my sister, and process that information before asking,

"And by 'bikes', I'm guessing you don't mean the ones with the cute baskets on the front."

"Motor bikes." Bella says with a nod.

Two things. One, Aiden is Danny's son, the owner of the garage and Jay's boss. Two, OH HELL TO THE NO!

"Please tell me you haven't ridden a motor bike on your own." I attempt to keep the panic out of my tone.

I have nothing against motor bikes in general, but they are dangerous as hell, especially if you don't know what you're doing. Images of my sister trying to ride one all by herself makes me feel a bit ill.

Bella frowns at me,

"Not yet, no." I feel relief for about a nano second before Bella adds, "But I will as soon as they're finished."

Damn her!

"Yeah, that's not happening." I say with a humourless laugh, "There's no way you're doing that. You'd get yourself killed." And probably some harmless wildlife along the way. THINK OF THE ANTS PEOPLE! THINK OF THE ANTS!

I expect her to get angry with me and starting shouting. But Bella, far from being outraged, just stares at me and says coldly,

"It's not your decision."

The hell it isn't.

"Bella, you big dummy, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to-"

"I know how dangerous it is. That's why I want to do it." Bella cuts me off.

What the crip crap does that mean?

"You're not making any sense," I say, truly confused.

Bella cuddles her kitten a bit closer to her chest and replies,

"Well at least now we're on a level playing field because I've _never_ understood _you._ "

Alright, we're clearly going down that route again, and I really don't want to. It took me long enough to stop feeling shitty last time.

"I'm not going to argue with you Bells." I say firmly. I hope I won't have to beat her into submission. I wouldn't want the kitty to have to see that kind of sisterly violence.

"Good," Bella says, sounding pleased for some reason, "I don't want to argue anymore either."

She makes it sound so creepy. And annoying.

"That doesn't mean I've agreed to your stupid bike riding plan." I tell her, narrowing my eyes in what I hope is scary boss-man way.

"It's happening either way," Bella says with yet another shrug.

Oh, I want to slap her. I want to slap her emotastic face right off!

I point at her dramatically,

"I don't like you right now. Or your face."

Bella actually shows some pissy face, which satisfies me to no end, and she snips,

"Ever, we have the same face."

I nod at her slowly,

"Yes, exactly, that should tell you just how much I don't like yours right now."

"You're ridiculous," she sniffs.

"I am da bomb, and the best Unicorn in existence." I say uncaringly.

Bella makes her mopey emopop face and says,

"How did you do it?" She sounds, for the first time, resigned.

I frown at her, confused again. Jesus, if Bella keeps this up then she might be in danger of developing a personality. Not a fucking good one either.

"How did I do what?" I lean back against the sofa and sigh.

Bella's jaw tightens, and I see the harsh pain that flashes through her eyes. She looks me in the eyes and says,

"How did you get over Edward?"

Oh fuck a duck, here we go.

"I didn't." I tell her. It's the only honest answer I can give.

Bella bop doesn't look like she believes me though.

"But you've moved on. With Jacob. Haven't you?"

I wince, feeling guilty for what I'm about to say. But it's only the truth.

"Yes and no. I'm in a relationship with Jay, although we're keeping that to ourselves for now-"

"Good job on that," Bella says sarcastically, "You aren't at all obvious. It's not like you stay over at his house almost every night, or spend all your free time with him."

I throw a pillow at her face. Hard.

"Shut it, emopop."

Bella glares at me. Her kitten is on the coffee table now, playing and rolling around with the toy mouse I bought for her.

"As I was saying," Before I was rudely interrupted by a baby octopus, "I am with Jay now, and we're fully committed to making our relationship work."

I ignore Bella's shifty look and continue.

"But, I can't say I don't love Edward anymore. If I did then it would be a lie. He was, well is, special to me. I loved him so much. I don't know if that will ever completely go away. It's been over half a year and I still miss seeing him every day."

It's Bella's turn to look confuzzled.

"That's….I don't understand. You can't love two people at the same time. Not really. You'll always love one person more than the other."

I shake my head earnestly,

"Maybe that's how it would be for you. But I feel differently. Ward is the man I loved first, but Jay…..Jay was always mine. And, honestly, part of me has always been his right back."

** Jacob's P.O.V **

I'm in the living room again when Edward calls.

Coda and Ever have fallen asleep in my bed surrounded by our new cats. How ended up getting six fucking cats is a mystery even to me I swear. I was bewitched and guilted into it by a mad wellie wearing woman.

Not Ever. The other mad wellie wearing woman at the farm-zoo.

I think I'm starting to lose my mind because I thought Ever looked hot as fuck in her farm gear. Then again I did get turned on at a petting zoo. I know that sounds wrong, and it pretty much is. But it's getting more and more difficult to take things slowly with Ever.

She does something to me that I'm not sure how to handle without fucking everything up between us. I don't want to make Ever feel like I'm pushing her into anything. At the same time I know that the moment we begin the physical side of our relationship, it will push us over an invisible line that we can't come back from.

I know the moment her lips touch mine, all bets are off. I don't think I'll be able to control the powerful _want_ that consumes me. Ever is in my every thought these days. She's managed to dig herself deep under my skin, and now I'm hers, for life.

It scares me to think I could ever lose her. She's become part of me in a way I didn't expect. She's vital now, as vital as oxygen. I need her. But more than that, I want her. I can't imagine not having Ever in my life in some way.

Speaking of fucking terrifying feelings, when Edward's voice rumbles down the phone, my heart beats noticeably faster inside my chest.

My brain is so fucked.

" _Hello, Jacob_."

"Hey, Edward."

There's a short pause, but it's not uncomfortable. We don't have awkward moments anymore; we left those behind months ago.

When one of us wants to say something, we will.

Once, in a more loose tongued moment, Edward admitted that he sometimes likes to listen to me breathing. I know it sounds weird, I thought so too. Or at least I did until he followed that up with ' _it reminds me of how alive you are, and that makes me feel content_ '.

I couldn't be annoyed with him after that.

" _Do you have something to tell me_?" Edward says finally.

I don't understand at first, but then I realise that I said 'hey Edward'. It's become our signal for me wanting to talk about something important.

Damn it. My subconscious mind is working against me.

"Sort of." I say weakly.

" _Sort of?_ " Edward sounds curious now.

"Maybe." I let out a harsh breath.

"What do you mean 'maybe'?" Edward asks. His voice has shifted now. It sounds more concerned than interested.

"I didn't want to want to tell you." I try to explain.

Edward laughs a little down the phone, and his laughter makes me smile despite myself.

" _You're going to have to try that one again, Jay_."

I desperately try to stop it, but I can't help the shiver that crashes through my body. It's so powerful that I almost gasp out loud. When Edward calls me by the nickname only Ever uses, it feels like a bolt of lightning to the heart.

"I just," I swallow hard and try to collect my thoughts so I can speak properly, "don't know if you'll like what I have to say."

" _Well now I'm worried, what's going on over there_?" Edward asks, a little more heat behind the words than before.

"I'm having problems with people on the reservation." I don't know how else to say it.

" _What people? Sam again_?" Edward sounds angry, which is exactly why I didn't want to tell him.

Ever was pissed too when I explained to her how Sam and his lot had been acting towards me lately. It's weird and uncomfortable for me to be around them all anyway, but recently things have gotten worse.

"Quil has turned dark side." I say in response.

" _Isn't he one of your…friends?"_ Edward says, almost reluctantly.

Yeah, he's right to be reluctant to call me and Quil friends. I mean, we are. He and I grew up together. But we aren't friends in the same way that he and Embry are friends.

When I had Coda, everything in my life changed, and that included my relationships with pretty much everyone. I was never exactly a social butterfly because of my mother, and later on because of my own illness. But the few friends I had then have now become more like friendly acquaintances. Not really because of them.

It's more my problem.

"Yeah, he is. But apparently the allure of Sam and his steroid fanboys were too much to withstand."

Edward snorts out a laugh. But in a dignified way. I didn't even know it was possible to snort in a dignified way until Edward did it.

It's not so much that I have a problem with Sam, to be honest I barely know the fucker, but I don't like how he watches me. I also don't like how uncomfortable it makes me feel. Not many things in my life have the power to do that.

I let my arm fall over the side of the sofa. I'm led down on it, staring up at the ceiling. Something fluffy touches my hand and I look over to see which kitten escaped from upstairs. Its my kitten, Benji. I scoop Benji up with one hand and place him on my stomach. Benji does a weird half yawn half hiss and then curls up on my stomach.

" _Have you spoken to your father about it yet?"_ Edward asks, sounding curious again.

"Yes, I have." I reply with a deep sigh.

I gently stroke Benji's ear and head with my finger. He's so tiny compared to me that I could hold him in one hand quite easily.

" _And? What did he say?"_

"He told me that it wasn't anything to worry myself with yet."

_"Well that's not evasive at all."_

"That's what I said."

" _Really?"_

"Well, that's sort of what I said. My version may have involved more swear words."

" _Sounds about right."_ Edward sounds amused again. Asshole.

"Shut your face fang boy. You are being of no help tonight."

" _I'm truly sorry. I do want to help."_

"I know, I know. But I don't think there's anything that can be done. Short of killing off Sam and his-"

"- _fanboys-"_

 _"_ -there's nothing that can get rid of the problem. I just hate how he keeps _looking_ at me. Sam I mean. It's disconcerting."

Benji licks my thumb with his teensy sandpaper tongue. I can't help but laugh, it's so oddly cute.

" _What's funny?"_ Edward asks me.

I get my laughter under control and reply,

"Do you remember that cat you told me about? The one you had when you were a kid? The brown cat that used to play with twigs and slept on your head."

I can practically feel Edward's confusion.

" _You mean Benji?"_

"Yes!"

" _What about him?"_

"We decided to get Coda a cat from a farm-zoo and-"

" _What's a farm-zoo?"_

"It's a farm/petting zoo, duh, everyone knows that." I didn't until today, but Edward's like a billion years old, he should know this shit.

Wow, that was definitely Ever's voice inside my head just then.

_"So did you get Coda a cat? I know from your stories that he's wanted one."_

"Well, see, that's the weird part. We actually ended up getting six kittens."

_"Why?"_

"The farm-zoo lady was very sneaky."

" _But how did she manage to-"_

"I was bewitched."

_"Into getting six cats?"_

"Oh, don't you start. You had to be there."

All I hear for a good minute or so is Edward snickering like a twit. Double asshole.

"Are you done yet?" I ask finally.

Edward somehow stifles his laughter and says,

" _I'm done. But what does that have to do with my old cat Benji?"_

"Well we shared the kittens between us. I named my kitten Benji."

Edward sounds a little breathy when he asks,

" _Why?"_

"The kitten made me think of you." I realise a moment after I say it how stupid and weird that sounded out loud.

" _I'm glad."_ Edward says before I can properly start to overanalyse my last sentence.

"Oh." I don't know what else to say. My head is spinning a bit. Talking to Edward confuses me sometimes in ways I don't really understand. I'm not sure I want to understand it either.

" _Do you think of me_?" Edward asks, and there's a strange note to his voice that makes me catch my breathe.

I feel like there's knot in my stomach that just keeps twisting.

"What do you mean?"

There's a long pause, almost as if Edward's trying to think of the best way to word something. Eventually he says,

" _Do you think of me even when we aren't talking_?"

That's a stupid question. Of course I think of him. How could I not?

"I think of you when I look at Ever." I wince again. That came out wrong I think.

Maybe Edward thinks so too because he says,

" _I see. Am I still just Ever's ex to you?"_

"What else would you be?" I try to not sound defensive about it.

" _I do not know."_

"Well neither do I. But Ever still loves you, I know that much."

I don't understand how I know, but I do. Ever is still in love with Edward, and for whatever reason that doesn't bother me as much as I know it logically should.

" _I will love Ever for the rest of my existence."_ Edward says, his voice laced with that familiar pain. I wish I could take that pain away, because it hurts me too.

"Do you think of me?" I ask him, not sure where the need to ask came from.

Another tension filled pause later Edward says roughly,

"All the time. You and Ever. It never stops. You're both always there, inside my head. It's maddening."

For the first time since we started talking almost seven months ago, I hang up the phone.


	8. Adrenaline

I hate hospitals. I think I mentioned that before.

It's not a 'sort of but not really' kind of hate. It's not a 'I don't like the smell, or how uncomfortable the seats are' kind of hate. It's not even a 'someone I loved died in the hospital' kind of hate.

The hatred I feel for any and all hospitals is real, bone deep, and almost terrifyingly personal.

I spent nearly eight months of my life inside a hospital. Although, back then, it felt more like a prison than a place of safety. I was trapped inside my own little world, inside my own stupid fucking head, and it made me feel cut off from real life in a way you just can't understand unless you've experienced it yourself.

There was a wall of bullet proof glass between me and the rest of humanity, both figuratively and literally at one point. To some degree I preferred it that way. But the shadows waiting in the dark don't care where you are, or how you feel. They dig deep and find your every weakness. They spit pain and torment into your dreams. They haunt your soul like monsters clawing at the light.

Everyone is isolated. Everybody has their own version of crazy. And every single person in this world thinks they're the only one who feels it. That's the first thing I learned when I lost my grip on sanity. Some people would say I never had it to begin with.

Those people are assholes. Those people are right.

We are all teetering on the edge. The only difference between crazy people and sane people is that we have accepted the inevitability of our madness. It takes some other kind of strength to turn around and look over the edge of the chasm waiting to claim you if ever you fall.

It takes an even stronger person to fight their way back out. Not many people ever do. A lot of us wouldn't want to. Because once you've seen the darkness, and felt the shadows touch you, it's almost unbearable to go back to pretending.

You can feel yourself getting bruised and damaged at first, and then cracked and chipped. Finally you start splintering. Pieces of you become shards of pain, fear, and strangely, indifference.

That's definitely the worst feeling of all: the nothingness. You become cold and despondent. It's the scariest kind of crazy to be, because nothing matters when you're like that. Nothing is important. Nothing makes you feel good, or bad or wonderful or fucking terrible. It's like your whole world has turned into one hopeless grey road that you're forced to follow.

I had a friend inside. We called the mental ward where we'd been dumped 'Crackedland'. Like Neverland, but instead of staying young forever, you stay insane forever. We thought it sounded ridiculous, and that's why we liked it.

He always said that when life throws you curveballs, all you can do is make sure you're ready with your bat so that you can hit them right fucking back.

He was the one I used to sneak into the kitchens and steal brownies with.

He and I stayed up all night together, and we talked through the thin wall between our cells. Or rooms, whatever you want to call them. I believe that a room with bars on the windows and a locked door is a cell. But that's just me.

He told bad jokes that sounded like he got them out of Christmas crackers.

He was an artist. We made up stories together. One story about a bubble named Steve and his ability to teleport I'll never forget.

He drew, and I wrote.

He told me that he always dreamed of going to Europe and sitting in a foreign land with his sketchpad and nothing else. Just one man and his mighty pencil, he said.

He once whispered to me in the middle of the night that if he were normal, he would fall in love with me, and that if he were a good person, he would deserve to.

His name was Connor Mcnair. He had a father who died, a mother who left, and a brother who looked too much like both of them.

Connor also had schizophrenia and a serious case of depression.

When Connor was fourteen he threw himself off of a building because the voices got too loud and he wanted them to stop. Just stop.

I met Connor inside Crackedland.

Connor was beautiful and broken, and ugly, because those two things mixed together always are.

The day Connor escaped Crackedland the Doctors and therapists all said he was cured.

A week later Connor took a bath and drowned in it.

He always said that the voices were quieter under water.

No one else got to leave for a long time after that.

So. I hate hospitals.

I try to stay away from them as much as possible. But when you get a phone call from a panicking teenage boy who thinks your sister's about to bleed to death….well….needs must.

"You don't have to be here. I'm perfectly fine." The biggest pain in my ass says for about the millionth time since I arrived.

I shoot her a look that I hope is full of 'yeah, whatever'.

"Shut up, Bella bop. I'm not in the mood."

The emosaurus rex huffs at me, like this is all somehow my fault. Maybe cosmically it is, who knows? I stepped on a snail last week, and I felt awful about it. The universe might be trying to balance things out by having my sister attempt to kill herself via bike-fail-face-plant.

I don't know, I'm not God.

I am a happy-go-lucky unicorn though, and that's got to count for something all up in this place.

"Is she done dying yet?" I hear Beany call from the other side of the greenish blue curtain.

"Hold on, I'll ask!" I call back. I look over at the Doctor stitching up Bella's head. He isn't nearly as smokin' hot as Dr. Sexbomb was, but I suppose he'll do. He looks professional enough; he has the white coat after all.

The Doctor looks a bit perplexed by my implied question and he bumbles,

"Yes, I'm just about done."

Meaning; no, I'm not done, so shut your face. It's all about body language folks.

"Nope, not yet!" I call out to Beany.

Bella bop is glaring at me with full on glaritude. I do not care. She's a dick for doing this. She's an even bigger dick for acting like she hasn't done something fucking stupid.

I am not best pleased.

"Well hurry up, I'm getting bored out here!" Beany shouts back.

"Why are you both yelling? He's right there." Bella mutters annoyingly.

I flick her on the nose and say,

"Hush you."

Beany and I were together when I got the call. I told him that he didn't have to come, but Beany insisted on making sure I wouldn't murder Bella myself if she was still alive. I'm so pissed off at my sister right now that I can barely hold it together.

I want to smack her. But that would be wrong. Sort of.

Violence is never the answer. Although it did feel good to slap Goldy that one time. If he keeps calling Beany all lovesick and shit then I really might need to do something drastic. Like throw powdered sugar in his face. I find that usually calms most people down long enough for me to convince them that they're being stupid.

Plus, sugar is good for you. Ask any Unicorn, and they'll tell you.

"Go find a Doctor to flirt with then!" I shout back to Beany.

"The hottest Doctor who worked here already left town with your ex!" Beany replies, somehow managing to sound suggestive even when shouting.

"So true!" I laugh, despite the irritating situation.

"You are so weird," Bella says to me.

My gaze snaps back to her and she must see something in my eyes because she practically flinches. Well good. You can't just go around doing stupid shit that could get you killed. Actually, you can, but you shouldn't. Strike that, Bella shouldn't because she's too much of an emo face to know when to stop.

When Dr. Not that hot is finished sewing Bella bop back together again, no horses or kings men in sight, I make sure to get us out of that place as fast as possible. Bella lags behind like the bothersome nymph we all know she is.

"Would you stop bouncing around like a twit," I say to Beany as we all clamber into Gordan.

"I'm high on life," Beany says with an unbothered grin.

I can't stop myself from grinning back at him.

"You're high on something, but I don't think its life."

Beany makes a thoughtful face and says,

"It might have been all those penny sweets I ate."

Yeah, the massive tub of sweets given to Beany by our favourite closet case, Goldy. That boy is consumed with _wuv_ for my best friend. It's kind of cute really. But also a bit creepy and worrying. I'm terrified that he's gonna write Beany a love song at some point.

In fact, I know he's going to because last week he told me he'd bought a guitar. I pointed out that he can't actually _play_ the guitar. Goldy replied that some people are worth learning to play the guitar for. I promptly threw up in my mouth and told him to never say that out loud again.

Bella looks contrite and irritated, which annoys me on a level I didn't even know existed. But I don't say anything because I'm all too aware that she'll go full on emonator and bite my head off if I do. Most of all I just want to know why she did it, and as much as I love Beany, I don't want to have that conversation with him sitting right there.

I take out my phone to call Jay when we get back to Dad's house, but Bella snatches the phone out of my hand. I turn to her in surprise and say,

"Um, hey phone stealer, what are you doing?"

Bella holds my phone to her chest and replies,

"You can't call Dad. I don't want him to know about any of this."

I eye the big sewn up gash on her forehead pointedly. Bella rolls her eyes and says,

"Yes, obviously he'll know that I hit my head, but he doesn't need to know how. I'll just say I fell over and hit my head on a rock."

I think about telling her how ridiculous that is, and that Dad isn't an idiot, but the truth is that Dad will probably buy it. Bella bop is a clumsy little bug.

I hear a meowing sound from behind me and Beany loses his shit when he sees Bella's tiny grey kitten lolling about on the table. He practically shoves both me and Bella out of the way to get to the kitten, who Bella named Alice by the way.

Yeah, I don't need a Sherlock Holmes badge to be able to figure out the psychology behind that one.

Beany picks Alice up and has a full on cuddle the kitty moment right in front of us. After a few seconds of us just staring at him with the kitty, Beany shoots us a look of pure dignity and says,

"Screw you guys. Real men cry, and real men cuddle."

I hold my hands up and say,

"I have no doubt Beany, you are definitely the manliest man in this room."

Beany just pokes his tongue out at me and mutters,

"Biatch," in a Russian accent.

We've had this thing going lately where when we insult each other we have to do it in an accent that we think fits that insult.

"Weanie," I say back in a Texas accent.

"Scumbucket," Beany says in an Irish accent. He kisses the kitty's head.

"Twatwaffle," I say in an English accent.

"Bonebrain," Beany says in an Australian accent.

"Puppetfingers," I say in a Swedish accent. I know how to do the Swedish accent, I googled that shit.

"Stella Swaine," Beany says in a Boston accent.

I gasp dramatically and pretend to stumble backwards into the wall. I point at him and announce,

"Too far!"

Beany puts the kitty down and pulls an apologetic face,

"You're right, that was too far. I'm sorry."

"What the hell are you two blathering on about now? Who is Stella Swaine?" Bella bop demands. The little tyrant.

I snatch my phone back from her and say,

"None of your business. "

I don't want to tell her who Stella Swaine is, mostly because I'm afraid Bella will read the books and think it's her life story. I mean, that's just ridiculous.

I go to call Jay again and Bella makes another grab for my phone's virtue. I dance away from her and keep the phone out of reach. I do not want her grubby man hands touching my stuff.

Bella huffs in exasperation,

"Who are you calling?"

I send her a dirty look,

"Jay, if you must know."

"Why?" Bella snaps, "You better not tell him about any of this. You know he'll insist on telling Charlie, or worse, telling Danny. Aiden will get in a lot of trouble. I don't want anyone to know, and your boyfriend will ruin everything, so you can't tell him."

I narrow my eyes at her, and dial. A moment later Bella's own mobile phone starts to ring. Bella frowns in confusion and takes the phone out of her jacket pocket. She looks at the screen, then back up at me.

"Why are you phoning me? I'm right here." She says suspiciously.

"Just answer the phone." I try to keep too much steely anger out of my voice.

"Why?"

"Do it."

"No."

"Answer the phone, Bella."

"I don't understand why you-"

"Answer. The. Phone."

Bella answers the phone.

I say into my phone,

"Isabella, back the fuck off."

I terminate the call.

Bella stares at me. I stare back. We have a stare off.

Bella looks away first. Ever the Unicorn for the win!

…..

"She seriously got Aiden to fix up two bikes, and then rode one into a rock?" Jay shakes his head in dismay.

I flop down onto the sofa next to Jay and lift my legs to lay them on top of his lap. Jay shifts us both so that I can curl up against his body. I feel his warmth, and even better his strength, wrapping around me protectively. I feel it right down to my bones. My cheek rests on his shoulder.

Coda is having a nap upstairs so we have some free time to relax.

"I almost went ballistic, I can't believe she would be so reckless," I say into Jay's green t-shirt. It's a t-shirt I got for him, and on it are the words ' _I found my inner wolf. He's fluffy'_.

"I know she doesn't want to tell Charlie, but damn, it doesn't sit right with me to let her go off on a bike by herself," Jay says, genuine concern in his voice.

I'm a little worried about Jay to be honest. First it was all that crap with Sam and his lot, which by the way majorly _pissed me off_. They have no right to make Jay feel uncomfortable. I would so kick their asses. Kevin 2.0 will avenge Jay with utmost badassness.

Anyway, then something happened last week and ever since Jay has been acting oddly. It's like he's lost something important to him and desperately wants it back, but at the same time he feels afraid to have whatever it is in his life.

I don't know what the problem is because Jay hasn't said anything. Even when I've given him the opportunity to tell me he didn't. That must mean its personal enough that Jay doesn't feel able to share it with me. I know he'll tell me what's wrong eventually, that's just the way Jay is, but until then I'll worry about him.

"I've told her not to go off on her own again with those stupid bikes, but I know everything I said went in one ear and then out the other. She doesn't care what I think." I tell Jay, trying not to sound too upset by it all.

Jay frowns, and I see a glitter of anger spark in his eyes. But he subdues it rather easily, the way he always does. I don't know how Jay manages it, but he can tamper back his anger far better than he should be able to, especially given his disorder. Jay says the pills help keep him balanced, but that the rest is down to will power and sheer fucking determination to never be anything like his mother.

Bleh, that _woman_. Jay's mother I mean. I hate her, I really do.

I remember when I was younger and we used to visit the Black's. I stayed over a few times. I'll never forget the night I stayed over when Marissa was off her meds. That was the night when I saw first-hand just how bad it really was for Jay.

(flashback: Ever age 11 – Jacob age 10)

_"Don't think that I don't know you'd rather be off with your fathers!" Marissa shouts, sounding mean and shrill._

_Jacob and I exchange a look. He just shakes his head and looks back down at his book. To me it looks like he's trying his hardest to disappear._

_But then, Jacob always looks like that when his mother is around. I know why, because Jacob told me. He says his Mom is ill and needs help to keep the fairies away._

_I didn't really understand what he meant by that at first. But then he explained that 'the fairies' are what he calls his Mom's crazy. He says that if you name something then it doesn't seem as scary or unpredictable. I'm not sure if that's true, but I figure Jacob would know better than me._

_Billy, Jacob's Dad, is away with Charlie. They've gone fishing. Billy didn't want to leave Marissa alone in the house, so he left Jacob behind to take care of her. I think Jacob's pretty used to that by now. He mostly ignores his mother's rantings these days._

_I decided to stay home with Jacob just in case he needed help, and also…because I like being around Jacob. He makes me laugh, and he's never horrible like the boys at my school. Jacob is kind. Always kind. It's not something I ever thought about much before. I've never known anyone like him._

_Bella would have stayed behind too, but we had a fight earlier and so she stropped off like she does whenever I annoy her too much. She thinks it's a punishment, not talking to me I mean, but really it just gives me more incentive to annoy her._

_"Young man, you will look at me when I'm speaking to you," Marissa all but growls, her eyes are bright with a strange kind of hysteria. It makes me feel uncomfortable, and she isn't even looking at me._

_Jacob slowly raises his eyes to meet Marrissa's. When he speaks his voice is gentle and firm, like a teacher or something. It's weird. But I kind of like how it makes me feel safer. As long as Jacob is in control of the situation then everything will be fine._

_"Mom, I think you should sit down a minute. I'll go and get you some tea." Jacob gets up and I get up too, not wanting to be left alone with a woman who throws me off kilter even at the best of times._

_But Marissa grabs hold of Jacob's arm before he can move out of reach. Her grip is harsh, and Jacob's book falls to floor. He appears calm even when Marissa yanks him towards her and hisses,_

_"I know perfectly well what you put in my tea Jakey."_

_Jacob just stares up at his mother unflinching and stays silent._

_I gasp when Marissa smacks Jacob across the face. Hard. The sound of the slap echoes around the house. I move forward to try and pull Jacob away, saying,_

_"Stop it, you're hurting him!"_

_Jacob shakes his head vigorously at me, the first signs of panic showing on his face. But he isn't worried for himself. He's worried for **me**._

_Marissa must notice this too, because that gleam of malice sparks like fire in her eyes. She lets go of her son and Jacob stumbles backwards a bit from the force of it. Marissa strikes fast, her hand wrapping around my upper arm like a snake. Her hold is painful._

_I try to wriggle free, but she's bigger and stronger than me._

_"Right then, I think it's time we show Everlyna what respect means in this house." Marissa says, sweet poison practically dripping from her words._

_I know she wouldn't hurt me. She can't. Charlie would go ballistic. She won't hurt me._

_Will she?_

_Jacob makes a noise of protest that sounds a lot like a growl when Marissa marches out of the room towards the kitchen, dragging me along with her._

_He follows after us and says,_

_"Mom, stop this, please."_

_But Marissa doesn't seem like she can hear him. In fact it appears as if the fairies have gotten hold of her now and they're not letting go without a fight. Marissa doesn't even seem aware of what's going on around her. She's not dazed, her grip his too sharp for that, but she's definitely not seeing me as I am. I'm not her husband's friend's daughter anymore._

_Now I'm just a thing for the fairies to play with._

_Jacob tries to extricate me from his mother a few times, but he seems wary of actually yanking me away, almost as if he's afraid of how his mother will react. I don't know what could be worse than the state she's in now, and I don't particularly want to know either._

_Marissa takes me over to the oven and after a moment's pause she switches on one of the burners. It flares to life, the blue fire dancing. I'm confused at first, but then Jacob gasps and finally gives in to temptation by using his full strength to pull me away from his mother._

_"No, Mom." Jacob says firmly, not even a slight tremor in his voice. He makes me want to be strong too._

_Marissa snaps out of her faraway look and snarls at us,_

_"She will learn to not interrupt when I am talking to you. I will not be disrespected in my own home by some silly little girl."_

_Jacob moves away and pulls me behind him. I wrap my arms around his waist and stay close. I won't let her hurt him._

_Marissa reaches forward and grabs me, quite unexpectedly, by my hair and yanks me forward. Jacob yells for her to stop, but Marissa is fast, too fast. And too strong. She winds her hand up in my hair to get a firmer grip and yanks me even closer. Jacob tries to get me back without hurting me. But with her other hand Marissa produces a knife from a knife block next to the cooker._

_Jacob stops dead._

_"Let go of her, Jakey." Marissa says coldy._

_Fear grips my heart and I choke, trying not to sob. I don't want to make it worse._

_"But Mom-" Jacob starts quietly._

_Marissa waves the knife around a little and Jacob shuts up._

_"Now," Marissa says with surprising calm in her voice, "we can stop all this nonsense. Everlyna will be punished for being disrespectful, and you will not interfere, Jakey."_

_I swallow hard and say,_

_"I'm sorry Mrs. Black, I'm sorry, please stop-"_

_Marissa grips my hair even tighter and I let out a shout of pain._

_My eyes lock with Jacob's, and I feel his fury. He looks like he wants to rip his mother part. Literally. His hands are clenched into fists at his sides, his knuckles have turned white._ _Jacob's dark eyes seem almost black now._

_I open my mouth to speak again, to plead with Marissa to let me go, to stop this before it goes too far. But before I can get a word out, Marissa releases my hair and uses that now free hand to take hold of my arm. Still brandishing the knife at her son, Marissa slams my wrist down onto the burning hob._

_I let out a scream as pain slices through my arm._

_Jacob takes advantage of his mother being distracted by knocking the knife out of her hand. He takes hold of me once more and removes me from Marissa's grip. But he doesn't stop there._

_Marissa starts cursing and screeching at us as Jacob drags me out of the kitchen, up the stairs and, eventually, swings me into the bathroom. He locks the door behind us._

_A few moments later we hear Marissa bang on the door and demand for us to come outside._

_Jacob doesn't say anything. So neither do I._

_My wrist hurts like a bitch._

_I fear for a second that Marissa might actually break down the effing door to get to us. But she doesn't. In fact after only about a minute, she moves away from the door and leaves us alone._

_"She'll crash now." Jacob tells me with a deep sigh._

_I look at him and nod. A deep welling of sadness takes hold of me. Not for myself, but for Jacob. My Jay._

_"I wish it were someone else." I say._

_And I really do. I know that's horrible and selfish and just plain wrong, but I don't care. I wish someone else's mother was crazy. Not Jacob's. He deserves better. He just does._

_Jacob says,_

_"I know." He understands what I mean. I can see it in his eyes._

_Jacob touches my burnt arm carefully, concern alight in his voice when he says,_

_"Now, let's see to that arm."_

_I allow Jay to lead me over to the bath. I sit on the edge and he competently takes care of my burn. I wonder how many times he's had to do something like this for himself. I abruptly stop wondering when the thought makes me feel both furious and distraught. I've seen enough of his scars to paint myself a pretty vivid picture already._

_We stay silent for a long time._

_Eventually I whisper,_

_"Jay."_

_Jacob looks up from his pseudo doctor work to meet my gaze,_

_"Lyna."_

_His eyes are so dark. Like two pieces of hot coal. They make me feel warm and safe in a way I've never felt in my life._

_"I know too." I tell him. Because I do._

_Jacob smiles, just a little bit. But it feels like the sun shining directly onto my soul._

(END OF FLASHBACK)

"I don't like how she treats you." Jay says, a slight twist of ire in his voice.

It brings me out of the past, anyway.

I reach up to trail a few kisses along Jay's jaw. His skin is rough from not shaving for the last few days. I like the burn on my face.

"I don't either, but it's just how Bella is. I'm sure she could complain about me all day if you asked." I say with a shrug.

Jay makes a pleasurable sound deep in his throat, like a growl, but better. More real and full of want. He twists us both so that I'm led down on the sofa, spread out beneath him. Jay makes sure his body is covering mine, but not crushing it. He's firm, yet gentle with his touches as he slides a hand down over my body. It's a caress of the sweetest kind.

I arch up into Jay like a cat and secretly hope that none of our kittens decide to investigate the living room any time soon.

Jay locks eyes with me and I can't for the life of me look away. The powerful and all-consuming lust in his eyes is unmistakable. But so is the love.

I run my hands over Jay's back, letting myself feel out the hard mucles beneath his t-shirt. A shiver runs through my body when Jay leans down to kiss my neck. His lips are soft, but his stubble is rough. The contrast is a perfect kind of agony.

Jay lets his teeth run over a sensitive patch on my neck, and I gasp when he takes the skin between his teeth and bites. It starts off soft, like a gentle nip, but when I wrap my legs around his narrow waist and tug him closer, Jay gets the message and bites hard.

I lean my head back and bare more of my throat to Jay. A small part of me remembers doing this to Edward once. Ward almost lost it, and he kissed me so hard in response that it hurt. But it felt too good at the same time.

Jay uses his tongue to lave over the spot where he just bit me. The heat emanating off of him is intense and I grip onto him harder just to keep myself centred. My head is threatening to go fuzzy with too much pure, unadulterated, lust. Jay continues to bite and kiss my neck, finding all those secret spots that drive me wild with just one touch.

I let out a strangled moan when Jay finally decides to take my mouth in a kiss full of _want_ and _need_ and _fucking God_ , it feels so damn amazing to feel him like this.

Jay groans loudly when I roll my hips up to meet his. I feel him hot and hard in his jeans, and the thin fabric does nothing to hide that thick heat from me. Jay grinds back down against me, causing another high pitched moan to be ripped right out of my throat.

Jay's tongue commands my mouth and forces it to submit to him. He claims it, **me** , in a way no one else has ever done before. It makes me feel wanted, cared for, and turned on as fuck.

Unfortunately I choose that moment to let my eyes flicker to the side. And sure enough, sitting on the coffee table is a row of five kittens. All of them staring at us. With rapt interest.

_Damn it!_

Jay notices my reaction right away and stops trying to ravish me to death. _Double damn it!_

He looks over at the five staring kitties and then says to me,

"Did I just get cockblocked by kittens?"

Both of us are breathing heavily, and so my laughter comes out sounding a bit dry. But it's real laughter, so that's alright.

Jay sighs, and with a shake of his head he moves off of me. I follow after him, reluctantly sitting up. Jay leans his head back against the wall and huffs out a frustrated laugh. Benji meows noisily and jumps onto Jacob's stomach. Jay peers down at his kitten and smiles wanly. They've definitely bonded fast over the last week.

"Nothing but trouble," he murmurs to Benji, and he picks up the kitty to stroke him gently, taking care with his tiny body. Jay holds Benji in front of his face and the naughty little kitty pokes his tongue out to lick the end of Jay's nose.

I've never wished for a camera so much in all my life.

I open my mouth to suggest shooing the kittens into the kitchen so we can go back to the epic foreplay from before. But just then a child-like voice shouts from upstairs,

"Daddy! Evar! I'm awake now!"

Jay and I exchange a knowing smile full of something unique and loving. It's a more important connection than the sex. Although I am, by this point, really looking forward to the sex. If we ever get a moment alone that is.

Jay gets up and I follow after him. Benji climbs up to sit on Jay's shoulder and I stifle hysterical laughter at the sight of the teensy kitten stretching out on Jay's broad shoulder.

I look back at the other kittens, who are all still staring. I point at them and say,

"Bad kitties."

** Jacob's P.O.V **

"Where's Evar?" Coda asks.

I help him do up the laces on his sneakers and say,

"She's just in school, little wolf."

Coda doesn't appear happy with the answer, but he accepts it.

"When will Evar come back home?"

I've got the day off work, but my father is still insisting on having Coda alone for the day like we originally planned. I wanted to tell him we'd reschedule, but the look of honest hope in my father's eyes swayed me.

I'll have a whole day to myself, at least until I go to pick Ever up. I have no idea what I'll do. I haven't had a day off since…Jesus, probably since I was thirteen. I can't even remember what it felt like to be so free of responsibility.

And yes, yes, all of you shut up. I know I'm avoiding mentioning the important stuff you all probably want to know about. Edward. But in my defense, I've been feeling really shitty for the last week ever since I hung up on Edward. I haven't spoken to him since. He's called me about a billion times, no exaggeration, seriously.

I still feel shitty.

I blame Edward and his stupid honesty. Why couldn't he have just lied and pretended not to care about me? That would have been easier to deal with.

Would it?

_Are you really saying it wouldn't have fucked you up if Edward had said he didn't think about you? Seriously, are playing that shit even inside your own fucking head?_

I really hate my mind sometimes.

"Ever will be home tonight like always, you know that." I say to my son, trying to push those annoying gut clenching thoughts away.

_Yeah, because that worked out so well for you before._

Shut up!

_Nope._

Coda makes a sad puppy face as I sip up his coat by the front door. He looks at me all pleading eyes and pouty lips, and he says,

"I miss my Evar."

My heart contracts inside my chest, and my eyes fucking sting. I can't believe I'm almost crying over that. My emotion meter has been all over the fucking place ever since….well, you know. It's driving me crazy. More so than usual I mean.

I gently smooth some of Coda's wild black hair away from his face, and I say,

"I know, little wolf, and Ever misses you too. But you get to spend all day with Grandpa, and then later on, me and Ever will pick you up so we can come home for dinner."

Coda still doesn't look happy, but he nods mutely and lets me carry him out to Rukky. He's silent for a long time as I drive, which isn't like him. Early on in the morning is usually when he's at his most active. In fact ever since he was a baby, Coda has been yelling his head off like a little monster in the morning.

I swear to God I didn't get a lie in for three years straight. In fact for the first year getting any sleep at all was close to impossible. I had Coda sleep in my room when he was a baby. He would start out in his cot, but then sometime during the night he would end up in my bed with me. At first I was scared to death of accidentally crushing him, or Coda falling out of bed, so I'd stay awake all night just to watch over him.

Nothing was more important than my son, my baby. And that's still true now. But there are other things that matter to me as well. Like Ever. She's important to me, and to be honest I think she's become very important to Coda. He's gotten more attached to her than I ever thought possible.

I turn on the CD player and switch over to Coda's favourite track. I see Coda perk up almost immediately as the opening bars of 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA start blasting through the speakers. Coda loves this song. I think it's because it's the song I caught Ever and him dancing to more than once when I get home from work.

The first time I found them in the living room, hopping and dancing around the room with ABBA playing at full volume. But it wasn't coming from the radio, it was coming from the television. They were watching 'Mamma Mia'.

I came home once to see Ever, Eric and Coda watching 'the Wizard of Oz'. Now every time Coda see's Eric, he starts humming the tune to 'Over the rainbow'. Ever says it's a fitting theme song for her best friend.

Coda is happy and distracted when I drop him off, and Dad shoo's me away. He knows me well enough to know that I'll hover if he lets me.

I drive back home, trying to think of all the things I can get done today. We are having some problems with our plumbing, maybe I can have a look at the pipes. There's also the garage that needs sorting, I have way too much crap in there. I could clean out the gutters as well. There's also some washing that needs doing, although Ever did most of it on the weekend.

Yes, I am boring. Deal with it.

Even before I open the front door, I know something is wrong. All the hair's on the back of my neck stand up, and a feeling of _knowing_ rushes through my body like adrenaline. Tension makes my muscles go rigid and a certain sense of awareness tickles my mind as I open the door. I don't know why, but my body is proned and ready for a fight.

I move through the hallway slowly, my senses feel heightened and on high alert. I hear nothing but silence, but I know someone is here. That just makes it worse.

My senses scream _, living room, living room, living room!_

But I feel apprehensive about going in there. Not because I'm afraid. At least, not in the way you might think.

I force myself to do it anyway.

When I see who's sitting on my sofa, however, I wish I'd stayed outside. Maybe forever.

My mind can barely comprehend what I'm seeing, and my breathe gets stuck in my throat. I stare at him. He stares right on back at me.

He doesn't say anything. That makes it worse.

My voice is choked and a bit broken when I say,

" _Why?_ "

There's another silent pause that holds so much tension that my insides begin to churn, becoming hot and painful. I don't like this feeling, in fact I hate it. It **_hurts_**. God, _fuck_ , it hurts so fucking bad.

When he does finally speak, his voice is devoid of any inflection, in fact he sounds completely indifferent. His words betray him though.

"I was worried."

" _Liar!_ " I bite out at him. I don't know where that angry accusation came from. All I know is that it's true.

His jaw tightens noticeably, which must mean he's really pissed off. Or upset. Maybe both. I won't know unless he talks a bit more, I only really know his voice.

He looks different to how I remember. Stronger. More human. But he isn't and I need to remember that. Like right fucking _now_.

Still beautiful though. That hasn't changed. If anything he looks more devastatingly handsome than before. I had no idea that was even possible.

"You weren't….I thought something terrible had happened to you." He says, and this time I definitely hear the traces of anger, no wait…not anger….fury. Yes, rage and fury is more accurate.

There's so much controlled violence inside of him, I can practically smell it.

"Another lie," I say, my own voice is a lot calmer than I thought it would be, "Try again."

His eyes narrow and I suck in a harsh breathe before I can stop myself. That rage flares to life in his dark eyes, and it calls out to me like a beacon.

He stands suddenly, the movement fluid and graceful, like water pouring from a fountain. I stand my ground even when he stalks towards me. I can't call it anything else. He's looking at me like a monster would look at its ultimate prey.

I watch him as he stops in front of me and says,

"You had no right," his voice breaks with that same icy fury.

I bare my own teeth at him and growl out,

"I didn't promise you any-fucking-thing."

But that's a lie as well. I suppose we're both liars today.

"You can't just end this," He says, his voice strained.

I don't know why I say it. It's a nasty, uncalled for response, but I can't seem to stop myself. It just comes out. I think I want to hurt him. I want to punish him for ruining things between us. For tearing down the lies and exposing even part of the truth.

"End _what_?"

That's when everything changes, and Edward explodes. I watch him come apart right in front of me.

All that rage and tension and pain and guilt and passion comes out in one action. The power of it almost knocks me to ground.

Edward's kiss sears through me like pure white hot lightening, and I gasp into his mouth. I don't react at first, my senses going haywire. So much intensity has my head spinning. Edward practically snarls into my mouth and he wraps his arms around me, forcing my body to slam up against his.

That's when I finally get a grip and react.

I kiss him back hard enough to split my own lip, and just like that it becomes a battle for dominance.

Edward's tongue forces my mouth open and spears inside with a vengeance, taking my mouth like it's always been his. Like he's reclaiming something that I took from him.

I kiss Edward back with equal fervour, and my entire body comes alive with the dark lust that licks up my spine, like a dangerous caress.

Edward growls deep in his throat and I can feel it vibrate through his chest. It makes me groan and I find myself clinging to Edward like my life depends on his closeness. Edward slides a hand into my hair, and when he grips it hard enough to seriously hurt, I bite at his bottom lip, sucking on it with all that I have.

I don't know where these automatic reactions are coming from, but they've been buried somewhere deep inside of me. I feel like I've been waiting for this all my life, and that one thought scares the fucking shit out of me.

In fact that flash of fear slams reality back into me and I attempt to free myself from Edward's grip. But his hold is strong and unyielding. I manage to duck my head enough to end the kiss, my face now pressed into the place between his shoulder and neck.

" _Stop, stop, stop_." I keep gasping over and over and over again until it's the only word that exists inside my head.

Edward still doesn't release me, but the tension in his body recedes ever so slightly. His hand strokes through my hair, those long graceful fingers of his sliding through the black strands with surprising gentleness considering the ferocity of our kiss.

But then that's Edward, a study in contrasts.

I try to stave off the guilt for as long as possible. I can dwell on how much of a fucking asshole I am later. Right now I have to deal with Edward.

This is all my fault, and I know it. If I hadn't hurt him….he would never have come here. But I did hurt him, and he is here, so there's really no point in thinking about the 'what ifs' anymore.

"I'm sorry," I push the words out of my mouth. They sound breathy and agonised.

"I know," Edward replies, but still his hold does not loosen.

I try again to move away.

"Let go, Edward." I say.

He doesn't, and for a second real fear spikes through me. Not because I think Edward would physically hurt me, but because I'm not sure how much more intense emotion I can handle before I break.

I can't afford to break. Not again.

Then Edward does let go and I stumble away from him. I keep moving away until my back hits the wall.

Edward just stares at me. It hurts so bad to look at him, but I can't look away either, he deserves better than that from me.

"What are you so afraid of?" Edward asks, his dark coal eyes burning into me with a different kind of intensity than before.

I grit my teeth and shake my head as a wave of pain crashes through me.

"I wasn't built for this." I say, because that's the only answer I can honestly give.

Edward actually looks at me then with exasperation.

"Oh for fucks sake…you sound just like Ever. The two of you….you both drive me insane!"

And then it clicks for me. It all finally makes sense. I could never understand what Edward saw in me, why he seemed to care so much. I couldn't understand our connection; it was so real, tangible and immediate.

But now I get it.

None of this is about me, it's about Ever. He doesn't care about _me,_ not really, this is just him trying to get over Ever by holding on to someone who reminds him of her.

And that makes everything a lot easier to deal with.

I shut everything down inside of me, all the pain and the guilt and the intense emotion. All of it, gone. I don't need to feel it anymore.

I know exactly what I have to do.

I take out my phone and call Ever. Edward is watching me with confused eyes. I can't blame him, this must be strange for him. But I can make it better.

"What are you doing?" Edward asks.

"I'm doing what needs to be done," I tell him.

Panic blooms in Edward's eyes alongside the confusion. But that's ok, things will make sense soon enough.

Ever picks up on the first few rings,

"Jay! Is everything alright? Did Coda go with your Dad ok? Or are really that bored at home already?" There's laughter and genuine joy in her voice. It threatens to hurt, but I shove that emotion down deep inside.

"Hey, Ever, is there any way you could come over, there's something I really need to talk to you about." I keep my voice light, devoid of any emotion at all.

There's a pause, and then,

"Jay….what's wrong….you sound…has something bad happened?"

I blink rapidly and shake my head even though she can't see me. Edward is frowning at me in concern. He must be worried about what I'll tell Ever.

"No, I'm fine. But this is really important, can you come?"

Ever doesn't sound convinced at all, in fact she sounds upset and anxious when she says,

"Yeah….yeah ok, Jay. I'll be there soon…just….don't do anything until I get there, promise?"

I don't understand what she means, but I say,

"Promise. See you in a minute."

I hang up the phone before Ever can reply. I don't want to upset her any more. I don't want to upset anyone. After today I won't need to worry about it anymore.

"What's going on, Jacob?" My attention snaps back to Edward and I nod easily at him.

"We need to tell Ever the truth. It's the only way to make things right." I say with a small shrug.

Edward tries to make a move closer to me, and I flinch. Hard. Edward stops dead and stares at me, like he's never seen me before.

"I agree, we need to be honest," Edward says slowly, but his eyes are still full of concern.

I really don't understand why he's looking at me like that. But as soon as Ever gets here, everything will be ok. I'll put everything right. I can fix this, I know I can.

I don't need to _feel_ anything, because I can fix it.

I don't need to feel anything.


	9. Third Wheel

Jacob is having a meltdown. And somehow it's all my ex-boyfriend's fault.

How, you ask? Well that's what I'm determined as fuck to find out.

…..

I walk into Jacob's house, a place I had begun to think of as my real home, and my heart freezes at the sight of Edward standing on the stairs with a stricken look on his face.

My first thought is that Edward so rarely shows that much emotion. To be honest I've only ever seen such intensity emanating from him a handful of times. I was always either in danger of dying or we were amping up to sex.

Pain and desire and fear and longing and even more fucking pain slashes through me. Each emotion hits me like a powerful wave, one after the other. It feels like dying. It feels like being brought back to life.

I'm so God damn blissfully happy to see him after all these months, but at the same time I'm confused as hell. I swear if I wasn't so worried about Jacob I would be having a full blown panic attack right now.

But my concern for Jay overrides everything else I'm feeling. Jay sounded so off on the phone, and I knew instantly that he must be having some kind of attack. I distantly wondered if he'd been skipping his meds, but I know that can't be true, he's so careful about it. Jay knows what it's like to live with a bi-polar parent who doesn't take their meds. He would never do that to Coda.

After a short, tension filled moment of Edward and me staring at each other. He finally opens his cold, surprisingly gentle mouth and says,

"There's something wrong with Jacob. Please, tell me how we can help him." The words are laced with both intense longing and a desperate kind of sadness.

It hurts like fuck, and my body begins to quake. I've wondered a million times what it would be like to see Edward again, to be so close to him. But not even in my wildest nightmares did I imagine such an strong feeling of loss.

I lost this man. He's no longer mine, and trying to read him only hurts me more. He's closed off from me now; I can feel it right down to my bones.

I want to ask why he's here. I want to ask where he's been. I want to ask, desperately, if he missed me as much as I missed him. Although I don't think that's possible at all. I still want to ask the question though. In fact I want to ask it more than I want to take my next several breathes.

But I can't do that. There are more important things going on here. Jay is more important than any of my own selfish desires. He always was, and he always will be if I have anything to say about it.

"Where is he?" I ask Ward, attempting to inject as much determination in my voice as possible so he won't know I'm fracturing on the inside. I can't afford to splinter. Now right now. Maybe later, we'll see.

Edward's expression morphs into one of pure anguish, and another lightening strike of pain hits my heart.

"He went silent after he got off the phone with you. He…. _flinched_ when I tried to-" he appears to catch himself, wincing harshly, "Anyway, I kept trying to talk to him, but he wouldn't respond. Then….he just….he was just _gone_. He didn't get angry or shout or…anything. He just walked silently up the stairs, went into his room, and locked the door. I went after him, but he still wouldn't answer me."

Fear and panic singe my insides. I move forward, the need to see Jacob is so profoundly real that it scares me even more.

"Show me," I rasp at Edward. He gives me a questioning look, but doesn't ask. He would have asked once. My Ward would have been overly concerned and attentive. But that time has long past. I have no right to expect that kind of acknowledgement from him anymore, no matter how much I might want it.

I follow Edward upstairs and along the corridor. We both stop outside Jacob's room. I don't hesitate to knock softly on Jay's door. I say as gently as I can manage considering the situation,

"Jay, it's me love, please open the door. I'm worried about you. There's nothing to be afraid of."

I hear a rustling sound from inside, a light bang against the door from the other side, and then Jay's voice, quiet and raw,

"I'm not having an attack, so you can both stop talking to me like I'm mentally ill. I mean, I am, but that's not the point. Besides, you two are just as fucked up as me, so I'm offended by your judgement. Assholes."

I almost burst out laughing. Despite the incredulity of the situation, and the fact that my ex vampire boyfriend is back and I think my heart is breaking, I still almost have a fit of hysterical laughter. Only my Jay would ever say something like _that_ in a situation like _this_. A blooming feeling of love for Jay envelopes me.

But the fear and the confusion are still very much present inside my mind.

When my gaze slides to Edward, I almost gasp at the look on his face. I see both indescribable fury and undeniable relief in his eyes. But his mouth is curved into a small smile, like he just can't help himself. I've never seen him look like that before.

I force myself to turn my attention back to the locked door in front of me and I say,

"Well then, if you're not having an attack, then open the fucking door so I can kick your ass for scaring me so much."

Edward's head whips around, and I can feel him staring at me. His eyes burn a hole into the side of my face. I can't stop a thrilling shiver from rocketing through me in reaction to his sudden attention. I try my best to ignore it.

A moment later the door to Jay's room is unlocked and he calls,

"Come in at your own peril."

I smother another bubble of laughter even as it soothes the pain running rampant inside of me. Without looking at Edward, I open the door and walk inside. I can feel Edward following close behind me. Jacob is sitting on his bed, legs crossed, fingers twiddling nervously.

I see the haunted look in his eyes. He may not have had an attack of the bi-polar variety, but I know some kind of mental bullshit went down inside his head. I feel lost since I have no idea what the context is in this situation.

Edward moves around me and walks cautiously towards the bed. His movements are as graceful and perfect as ever. Somehow that makes things seem a little better. At least not everything has changed.

I allow myself to watch as Edward moves closer and closer to Jay. Jay tenses up the moment Edward gets too close. Still, there's an undeniable sense of familiarity between them that I just don't understand. They haven't seen each other in almost a year, and yet I can see how much they yearn for each other's closeness. At the same time I see that they haven't completely let go of their old animosity. Although now it's more like they want to hate each other, and know that they should, but for some reason they can't.

It's one hell of a mindfuck.

Ward appears to ignore Jay's discomfort and sits next to him on the bed. When he reaches out to touch Jay, I almost gasp. I pretty much choke on oxygen when Ward's fingers brush Jay's arm, and instead of slapping his hand away, Jay actually seems to move instinctively into the touch.

I don't think I've ever been so shocked by anything in my entire life.

Jay locks eyes with Ward, and I see something powerful and intense pass between them. It's then that I finally find my voice. I hold up a hand and say,

"Does anyone want to fill me in on what the frickaty frack is going on here?"

Both of their gazes snap to me, and I feel slightly unnerved to have them looking at me like that. I see the same endless and unconditional love in Jay's eyes that I see every time he looks at me, and in Ward's there is the same fiery passionate love we once shared. The contrast is startling.

I always knew that I loved them in different ways. But I never truly realised how differently they loved me in return.

"We fucked up," Jay says, sounding upset and worried.

Edward's tone is far more resigned when he says,

"No. This is my fault, I'm the one who fucked up."

"Would either of you like to tell me what you actually _did_?" I ask in exasperation.

"The night I left Forks," Ward begins to explain, "I went to Jacob and asked him to….to let me know if you were ok. I gave him my number, and I took his. I texted him to ask how you were, Jacob responded, and then…..things….. _progressed_."

I attempt to take that in. It's almost too much and for a moment I think my brain will implode, but eventually I say,

"Progressed _how_?"

Now it's Jay's turn to attempt an explanation. His eyes seem to shine with guilt as he says,

"We've been speaking on the phone almost every night for months."

I have no idea how to respond to this. Any of it. What am I meant to say? What is the appropriate response to such a load of mind fuckary?

I reach a hand up to rub at the centre of my forehead, a pounding headache is starting to develop in that one spot. I eye Ward carefully. He appears unmoved by the admission of his craziness, which I'm actually not at all surprised by. It is unlike him to openly show his regret. No matter how strongly he feels it.

Jay, however, looks about one second away from offering to slay a dragon to prove his undying loyalty to me. I almost want to tell him he should. But I actually quite like dragons. I mean, me and Coda watched 'How to train your dragon' the other day and the epicness of it was indescribable. I've never wanted a dragon so much in all my life.

I realise then that I'm using my own insanity to distract myself, so I push away all thoughts of dragons and ice cream and cartoon spoons, or whatever else goes on inside my mind whilst I'm not paying attention.

"So let me get this straight," I say as steadily as I can manage, "you two have been having secret conversations without telling me for _months_."

A flare of pissed off-ness flashes in Edward's dark eyes and he says,

"I only meant to check you were alright. But after I spoke to Jacob a few times…we…."

I watch him with interest. It seems like they have no idea what's going on either.

"Alright, we'll leave that alone for now. Here's another question, why exactly are you _here_?"

Jay bites his lip, looking even more anxious now.

"That one's my fault. I stopped talking to Edward because he said…..well, it doesn't matter what he said. But anyway, he came here to check nothing bad had happened."

Now that's interesting. As Jay said that, Edward's jaw twitched. He's angry. Furious even. I can see it so clearly on his face. He's not even attempting to hide it, which is strange within itself. What could possibly have Ward so turned inside out like this?

"So you've become friends. You had a falling out, and Edward came to see if his friend was ok. Fine. Makes sense."

On the surface at least.

Jay's expression turns to one of confusion,

"What do you mean it 'makes sense'?"

I sigh heavily and move closer to the bed,

"I know you expect me to be angry and indignant, or whatever. But the truth is, you two becoming friends has nothing to do with me. I'm the one who sent Edward away, and Jacob doesn't have to tell me every little detail about his life. I can't even say you kept it a secret because you're telling me right now. You didn't have to do that. So if we're all being honest here, then there's really no reason for me to beat you both with Kevin 2.0."

I don't even really want to. That much. Kevin, however, hungers for blood and violence.

They both stare at me for what feels like a billion years. I hold my ground though.

I suppose a sane, normal, person would have a completely different reaction to the news that their ex-boyfriend has made friends with their new boyfriend. But I am not, and I never have been, normal.

So fuck being angry. I figure Beany will be pissed off enough on my behalf anyway.

Finally Jacob snaps out of it enough to say,

"There's more."

With those two words, I feel a wave of impending doom crash over us all.

For the first time Ward looks like he's truly remorseful, and he stands up, moving off the bed. He takes a step towards me. His voice is low and rough when he says,

"When he didn't answer any of my phone calls I became slightly….unhinged. I came closer to killing someone than I have in years. It felt like I was losing everything. Not just my last connection to you, but…..Jacob. He's got such a beautiful soul. Damaged, but kind. So unbelievably kind. I had to come here. I had to see him. I had to understand what was going on between us. It felt so important. Real." Ward's body almost appears to vibrate with energy, and he squeezes his hands into tight fists before continuing, "But when I got here, the way he looked at me…..it was too much. It wasn't _enough_ just to _see_ him."

My heart clenches inside my chest. I look over at Jay, only to see him staring at Edward with a look of pure longing. His eyes flicker back to me and I see the guilt and confusion swirling around in his eyes like fireflies.

I look back up into Edward's face and ask in a hushed tone,

"Ward, what did you **_do_**?"

He doesn't say anything at first, and I feel my patience about to snap in half. But then Ward allows his gaze to lock with mine, and everything changes. For the second time today.

Everything.

Changes.

Ward whispers to me,

"I kissed him." Ward moves to the side so we can both look at Jay, "And he kissed me back."

….

"Oh my effing God!" Beany exclaims dramatically, his mouth hanging open in disbelief, "And so you actually smacked him one?"

I settle back on the sofa and say,

"Yes I fucking did!"

Beany starts snickering like crazy,

"I just…..I mean….that's so mental! You slapped Edward the stud-muffin."

I punch a pillow and say,

"Of course I did. The asshole _kissed_ my boyfriend."

Beany is still snickering when he says,

"Sounds hot."

I give him my best death glare,

"You are like two seconds away from getting slapped too, Sir."

Beany just shrugs and hits me with the same pillow I punched,

"Nah, but imagine it. Edward and Jacob. Stud-muffin and Chocolate fudge cake. Making out. That's hot. In fact that is the epitome of all that is hot. I mean, that's what great porn is made of my friend."

I groan and let my head fall against Beany's shoulder. My words are muffled against his truly fabulous white sparkly jumper,

"My ex-boyfriend kissed my new boyfriend."

"Yeah, that would probably be the title of the porn video." Beany muses. I pinch his arm and he yelps.

"Ok, but in all seriousliness, what am I going to do?" I try hard not to sound like I'm whining, but considering the situation, I figure I'm allowed to be a bit annoying.

Beany pushes on my forehead with his fingers so I have to look up at him. He ruffles my hair and starts to stroke his invisible wise old man beard. I wait for his sage advice. Beany says in a majestic Gandalf-esque voice,

"I have travelled to many lands, and seen many remarkable things in my very long life, such as rock 'n roll trees and goat rituals, including a few I wasn't entirely comfortable watching. I do not think the goats appreciated it either. I have battled many creatures of evil, like our Math teacher Mrs Banshee and the basilisk from the Harry Potter video game. I am now wise, as my long beard suggests. Therefore, I will impart my wisdom to you, young Unicorn." He raises a creepy eyebrow, "You should tell them both to _fuck off_ , and come with me to New York for college. We can live together in a teensy tiny loft apartment, and go to fancy bars, and pick out rugs, and eat Chinese takeout while watching our boxsets of Golden Girls, Friends and Queer as Folk."

"But I _love_ them," I say meaningfully.

Beany huffs out a breathe,

"Then pick one and bring him to New York with us. For Batman's sake woman, it's not that hard."

I bang my head against his shoulder again and say,

"You don't understand. You didn't see the way they looked at each other."

"Wait, you think Edward actually properly _likes_ Jacob?" Beany says, his voice going all high and shocked.

I shift on the sofa and move to grab an open tub of ice cream from the table. I shovel a spoonful of chocolatey goodness into my face. It does make me feel a little better. Whoever said that chocolate isn't a substitute for love was a moron. It is. In fact it's better than love because you know your cookie ice cream will never make out with your other tub of fudge ice cream.

Did I just compare Jacob and Edward to ice cream? Yes, I believe I did. And I'm not sorry.

"What are we? Twelve now?" I say to Beany, "It's not a matter of if Ward _like_ likes Jay or not, you doofus. They didn't play spin the bottle for fucks sake. Ward came back to Forks to make sure Jay hadn't been eated by a tree, and then decided he couldn't keep his hands off my boyfriend."

Beany licks his hand and then uses that hand to fuck up my hair. I slap him with my ice cream spoon and Beany yells,

"If you get ice cream on my new jumper then I will ninja the shit out of your face, bitch!"

I continue to slap him with the big ice cream spoon.

Beany begins to fight back with a pillow.

We roll onto the floor.

I end up climbing on top of Beany and pinning him to the carpet.

Beany attempts to escape, but I've got him pinned securely for the count.

3….2….1!

And the crown goes _wild!_

I start singing,

"I am the _champ-ion_. I am the _champ-ion_. No time for _loo-sers_ , cuz I am the _champ-ion_ …..of the **WOOOOOORRRRRLLLLD**!" I fist pump the air with my massive spoon.

Beany mutters something like,

"Madness personified."

I grin manically down at him. It's a good thing I have Beany or this whole Jacob/Edward situation would be shattering my mind. It still is a little bit, but not as much as it could be.

"Right, get off me you insane unicorn." Beany struggles to get up and I eventually let him.

We both lay down on our backs with our asses pressed against the sofa and our legs up in the air. Beany takes my hand and fiddles with my fingers. I turn my head to look at him. He turns to look at me.

I let out a long breathe.

"What should I do babe?"

Beany smiles kindly and says,

"Kill them both and bring Coda with us to New York. I like that kid. The boy knows how to rock a Disney scarf."

I reach over to flick Beany on the nose,

"Be serious you twatwaffle. I'm in the middle of a love quandary here. I need real advice."

" _All advice is bullshit_." Beany says firmly.

I narrow my eyes at him,

"Are you quoting diva at me?"

Beany just smirks and pats my cheek affectionately. Then his expression turns more sober and he says,

"Look, I can't tell you what to do with this one, Sid. It's gotta be one hundred percent your decision. Don't take this the wrong way, but I got a feeling whatever choice you make here is gonna change your entire life."

"For better or worse?" I ask hesitantly.

"Maybe that too." Beany says.

"What if they only want…what if they only want each other now?" I ask, the very thought makes my insides turn to ice. But at the same time…

Beany smiles sadly at me,

"Hey, you're the one who they promised infinity to, Ever. Remember that."

I touch my infinity necklace with the hand that wears my infinity ring. I haven't taken either of them off since the day Ward and Jay gave them to me.

That has to mean something.

But what?

** Jacob's P.O.V **

"She hates us." I say with a loud groan, and I let my head fall down to rest on my arms.

Edward makes a noise of disagreement. I can feel him from across the kitchen. I know, even though I'm not looking at him, that he's watching me intently. His gaze feels like hot pokers pushing into my soul.

"Ever doesn't hate you. Me, on the other hand...maybe."

I lean back in my seat at the table and finally allow myself to look at him. I've been avoiding doing so ever since my girlfriend ran off looking more hurt and angry than I've ever seen her look before. It broke me apart to see someone I love so much in pain because of something I did. I swore I would never hurt Ever, I swore I would be who she needed me to be. That I would be strong for her and my son, no matter what.

It was that promise that stopped me from completely losing my shit today. I allowed my self-hatred to almost blind me to the truth. No matter what, Edward is important to me now, and I had to right to dismiss him so easily. But he also had no right to kiss me. Maybe.

Oh, I don't know. It felt so...right. How could anything that felt that natural ever be considered a mistake?

I feel like I should be more mature about all this. I should know what to do, and what to say, but I don't. For this one moment I am truly just a teenager who feels confused about everything in my life.

Aside from how utterly stupid it was to kiss a man who is my girlfriend's ex, there's the consideration of the fact that Edward is...well...a man. I might be able to make sense of it if he'd been a girl. Possibly. But the added issue of Edward's gender only complicates thing to a degree that I'm no sure I'll ever be able to handle. It's not that I have a problem with it. If I were gay, then that would be fine. Difficult to accept at first, sure, but not impossible to imagine.

But I know, I _know_ , that I'm attracted to Ever. She's so beautiful and sexy to me that sometimes I can barely control myself around her. I want Ever so much that it physically hurts sometimes.

I force myself to look at Edward properly, to _really_ look at him. I take in the cut perfection of his muscled body, the narrow line of his waist, the subtle toned strength of his arms, and of course the absolute stunning handsomeness of his face. I almost want to ask him to turn around so I can check out his ass. You know, just to be on the safe side.

Disappointment flashes through me when I realise that I am, genuinely, attracted to Edward Cullen. I was hoping that kissing him was just an 'in the moment' kind of thing, and that now I've had time to calm down, I would feel nothing sexual towards him at all.

Wrong. Very wrong.

I almost gasp at the look of wild danger in Edward's eyes. Yeah, he's a sexy fuck. Not good. Really not good.

"Lyna did slap you pretty hard, true." I say to Edward, more out a need to lighten the mood a bit. I can't stand the intensity between us right now. It's too much to take.

Edward moves forward suddenly and feel myself tense all over. He notices my body go taut, but that doesn't stop him this time. Edward presses his hands down flat on the table and leans across it, bring himself even closer to me whilst also keeping the table between us. I'm pretty sure he's doing that to make me feel more comfortable.

I almost tell him that what would make me comfortable is him getting the fuck out of Forks.

But then, I think that would be a lie too.

Edward pins me in place with those almost alien looking dark eyes and says, his voice low,

"You don't have to worry about Ever. She'll forgive you. She loves you, I could see that from the moment she stepped through the door."

My insides light up like a sparkler at that. The thought of Ever loving me, truly loving me, makes me feel happier than I could have thought possible. I want so much for it to be true.

I sit forward in my seat and say honestly,

"She loves you too, Edward. I promise you that hasn't changed since you left."

A look of agonising pain flashes through Edward's eyes, and he replies roughly,

"I know. But it doesn't matter any more because Ever doesn't want me. She wants you."

I open my mouth to tell him how fucking wrong he is, but my phone chimes with my father's ringtone. I almost ignore it, but since Dad has Coda, I can't just in case something bad has happened to my son. Even in the midst of this cluster fuck, I need to put my son first.

I make an apologestic face at Edward and take out my phone. I sigh a moment later and look back up at Edward. He's got a concerned look on his face,

"What's wrong?" he asks.

I smile wanly and say,

"My father needs me to come pick up Coda."

I figured he might not be able to handle him for a whole day. Coda can be a handful when he's in a difficult mood.

Edward nods slowly at me,

"What do you want me to do?"

I look at him for a long moment, considering. Of course the most logical thing would be to tell Edward to leave. But that won't solve anything, and I don't want the fucked upness of today to haunt me any longer than is necessary. Edward and I need to sort things out between us, and then we both need to talk to Ever. No matter what Edward believes, I know Ever would want to see Edward again.

With all that in mind and force the tension to melt away from my shoulders and say to Edward,

"Come with me, and spend the day here. It's not like things could get any worse."

Edward blinks at me in surprise and says,

"But what if your father see's me?"

I roll my eyes and reply,

"Good. It'll keep him on his toes."

I'm tired of all this cloak and dagger shit. I know what Edward is. I know what I am. The fact that my father simply refuses to discuss it with me is ludicrous and I won't put up with it anymore. If the rest of the reservation don't like the way I live my life, or the people I choose to have in my life, then they can piss off. I have enough going on right now without anyone weighing in with their self-righteous opinions.

Edward's mouth quirks up into a tiny smile and I allow that small victory to spread warmth through my body. It eases the confusion somewhat. At least I know I can care for him as a friend.

"If you're sure?" Edward says, giving me a watchful look.

I get up from my chair and move around the table. A shiver of excitement goes up and down my spine Edward and I are close enough to touch. We don't. But we could. And apparently that's enough to get my heart thumping ridiculously.

"To be honest I'm not sure about anything. But life goes on." I say with a shrug.

Edward does that almost non-existent smile thing again and says,

"I would like to meet your son properly."

I smile back and nod,

"Well then, lets get a move on."

...

I thought my Dad was gonna have a freakin' heart attack when he saw Edward waiting in Rukky. I didn't even attempt to explain the situation to him. He didn't ask. He just glared. I took that as a tenious agreement of a truce.

As soon as Coda see's me his big black-brown eyes light up. He runs towards me full pelt and throws himself into my arms. I lift him and throw him into the air a few times. Coda giggles and laughs like crazy.

I settle the little troublemaker on my waist and say a quick goodbye to my father before he can start lecturing about something stupid. I know the only reason he didn't ask me outright what the hell I thought I was doing with a vampire was because of Coda. I am not too proud to use my son's innocence to get me out of parental lectures.

I take Coda to Rukky. As soon as Coda see's someone other than Ever inside the truck, he tenses all over. But then, when he gets a better look at who it is, Coda immediately relaxes again and points at Edward,

"He's that man...Ed."

I feel my eyes widen in shock. How the hell does he remember that?

"Yes, that's Daddy's friend. He's come to visit." I tell Coda.

Coda nods slowly and reaches to open the door. I open it for him to save us some time. Edward smiles, really properly smiles at Coda from his seat. Without warning Coda leaps from my arms and throws himself at Edward. Caught by complete surprise, my grip on Coda isn't strong enough and he Edward has to catch him so that he won't fall.

Edward sits Coda on his lap and holds him securely, as if afraid that Coda will try to leap away again. Coda settles on Edward's lap and looks up at him with almost comically big eyes. He's pulling his cute puppy face. I resist the urge to roll my eyes. The sneaky little monkey.

I watch as Edward falls under the same spell as everyone else when faced with the big puppy eyes. Coda grins up at Edward. It strikes me as odd, because Coda doesn't often like people. He's very picky about who allows to hold him and play with him. I'd say he was a snobby child, expect he was raised in the woods by me, so that can't be possible.

Ever just says he has good taste, and that he's good at reading people.

"You play with me at home?" Coda asks Edward, although it sounds more like a demand to me.

Edward smiles knowingly down at Coda and says,

"It depends, what game are we playing, little wolf?"

Coda pulls his thinking really hard face, then he says excitedly,

"We play with my kitties. I taught them how to play fetch."

I wish I could say that wasn't true, but it actually is. Coda was determined to teach the kittens how to play fetch. I don't know how he managed it either, but he did. Now every time Coda throws something, all the kitten fight viciously to claim it and bring it back to their evil child master. It's almost frightening to witness.

"Sounds like a plan to me," Edward says to my son.

Coda beams up at him and nods again,

"Play wiv kitties yes, then show Ed new Disney cape."

Ok, don't even get me started on the Disney cape. Eric found it, Ever bought it, and I, with great reluctance, presented it to my son. I have never seen him so happy. He says it's his favourite gift of all time.

I am living in a world of madness, and my son is the new emperor of the weirdoes. I made out with my girlfriend's ex. I might possibly turn into a wolf thingy any day now. I might also be bisexual.

So, to take stock, I am a shape shifting bisexual single father with bi-polar disorder.

Satan, save us all.


	10. The Meadow

"I really am not enjoying this moment. This moment going on right now, I mean. I do not approve of it. At all." I tell Bella bop, a.k.a the pissy baby octopus.

The Emosaurus rex gives me the evil step-mother of all glares and says stiffly,

"You didn't have to come. I'd be fine on my own."

Meh eh. Is what I say to _that_.

Apparently my twin sister thought it would be a good idea to treck through the woods alone when a giant bear is clearly on the loose. Moron. But then again, I agreed to come out here with her instead of knocking her over with Kevin 2.0 and then sitting on her until she gave in. That just shows bad decision making on both our parts.

"I wouldn't want you to get eaten by a porcupine or something. I mean, what if an evil tree tried to give you a cuddle, like in snow white." I say, attempting not to fuck over. This is so much easier with Edward or Jacob around to make sure I don't permanently injure myself.

That thought makes me wince internally and a bolt of pain shoots through my heart.

I haven't been in any contact with Jay or Ward for over a week.

It feels like so much longer.

And I miss Coda like I would a miss limb. I wish I didn't have to stay away from him too, but right now I just don't think it would be a good idea to be around Jay. I'm not sure how to act in Jay's presence at the moment. I might do something stupid or say something I don't mean.

I can't even think about Ward without feeling both pissed off as hell and lost in despair at the thought of never seeing him again. I have no clue if he's still at Jay's or not, and I've been trying not to drive myself batshit thinking about it all.

What do you do when two people you care deeply for decide that they care about each other in a less than platonic way?

No, better question, what do you do when your ex, who you are still in love with, kisses your current boyfriend, who you also love?

Answer: desperately try not to lose your shit.

I'm just…..trying to work through things inside my head before I confront Jay or Ward. I need time to **_think_**.

Bella bop huffs at me so loud that I'm afraid she might have hurt herself. She huffs like a huffer on huff tablets from huffland whose only dream is to be the best and loudest huff that has ever been huffed in the entire huffing universe.

"Snow white wasn't cuddled by a tree," Bella drawls in obvious annoyance as she tries to concentrate on not tripping over her own feet. I can't say I have much confidence in her succeeding to be honest. Past evidence would suggest such a thing is impossible. The emotron's balance is all but completely fucked.

But then, stranger things have happened. For example, on Wednesday night the most awkward thing that has ever happened in the entire history of time occurred right outside Beany's bedroom window.

Goldy ignored my advice of 'do NOT write a love song for Beany with the guitar that you cannot play'. Oh, he ignored my advice _hard_. That douchnozzle went _all the way_. He gave one hundred percent of himself over to the douchenozzleness.

I was almost impressed. I also wanted to throw a batman bobble head at him. The fraking dum dum. For real though.

Not only did Goldy write the freakin' love song, he also decided that it would be a great idea to stand outside Beany's house and _'preform'_ it. I put emphasis on ' _preform_ ' because Goldy sang **and** played the guitar.

There were two major problems with that situation. Aside from the obvious ridiculousness of it all I mean. One, Goldy still cannot play the guitar. Two, Goldy has the voice of an angel. Being murdered in an alleyway. By a hippo.

Now, I know what you're thinking. I obviously have never heard someone getting murdered in an alleyway by a hippo. I'm just not that cultured. But, if I ever _did_ , then I'm absolutely certain that it would sound exactly like Goldy did that night.

That's not me being mean, that's me being generous and not saying that he ruined all music for me forever just by being so epically shit at something millions of people before him have manged to do. And they did it without scarring anyone. Unlike _some_ people, _cough_ Goldy _cough_.

I'm sending him a bill for my hearing test God damn it. I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to look at an acoustic guitar the same way again. I definitely won't be able to listen to one being played without cringing. Hard.

After the horrific moment ended, Goldy bowed. He _bowed_. No, seriously, think about that for a second. We were watching from Beany's bedroom window and Goldy actually fucking **BOWED**!

The whole thing literally, blew my mind.

Please, everyone, a moment of silence for the death of Goldy's dignity.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Right, now we're allowed to laugh.

And oh, did Beany and I ever piss ourselves laughing. I thought I would die from how awkward and simultaneously hilarious it all was.

All I could manage to do at the time was point at Goldy and say to Beany,

_"You had sex with that."_

Beany just shook his head in despair and replied,

_"I am ashamed for both of us right now."_

I patted his shoulder in sympathy.

"Don't get all wazzerd up about Snow white, Bella bop," I say to my sister, "None of us really know what happened. Disney might have missed out the tree cuddling bit to save face."

Bella just sniffs at me.

I feel immensely disliked and sniffified.

My phone buzzes and I take it out of my pocket. It's Beany. I smile, despite myself. He's been really great this week with trying to keep my mind off of my wrecked love life.

Beany and I have been staying up every night watching awful 90s movies and eating so much chocolate, sweets and nuggets, yes nuggets get their own category, that I'm surprised we haven't exploded with junk food mania.

**Have you been eated by a bear yet?**

I roll my eyes and text back,

**Yeah. I'm texting you from inside Winnie's tummy.**

**What?! Winnie gone dark side! NOOOOOOO!**

He's a freakin lunatic I swear.

**Eeyore drove him to it.**

**That grumpy scoundrel! What did Piglet have to say? Isn't he, like, Winnie's 'honey' sponsor or something?**

**Yeah, probably. But Piglet didn't do shit. Tigger ate him right in front of us. He had a bacon sandwich.**

**Hhmm, a tiger-kangaroo hybrid's gotta eat sometime I suppose.**

**Well said, sir.**

**And a good day to you, Lady Sid.**

**We should watch Winnie the pooh.**

**Yes! I have some old videos.**

**Do you have a video player?**

**Um. Nope.**

**Useless, you are. Go find some Winnie the pooh on YouTube for tonight.**

**Is that my quest for today oh bossy panted one?**

**You bet your anus it is.**

**Oh my God, just say 'ass', for the love of pants.**

**No.**

**SAY _ASS_ YOU…ASSWIPE!**

**Anus.**

**I hate you.**

**Eat fairy dust, bitch.**

**Bring. It. ON!**

**Fairy princess vs Unicorn battle!**

**Gotta go, bye Sid.**

**Coward! By, B.**

See. Madness.

"What are we even looking for out here?" I ask the angry emoticon.

Bella throws me the blandess look to have ever of been blanded and says,

"I'm looking for a…." her breathe catches, "a meadow."

I reach out and grab onto Bella arm, yanking her around to face me,

"Hold on a second here…we've been walking for hours-"

"-twenty minutes-"

"-HOURS, out here in the dangerous wilderness where a fucking orge-"

"-bear-"

"-is on the loose. Just so you can sit in a random FIELD-"

"-meadow."

I shake Bella a little bit. Her brown eyes are somewhat glassy and a little bit feverish. I know she still struggles to sleep at night, but I had been hoping that it would get better over time. Now I'm beginning to wonder if Bella will ever be able to completely let go of JmuppetfaceP.

I have no idea why she's so hung up on him, but then, it's not really my right to question who she loves. I would hate it if she tried to control me like that.

Lately I've been feeling doubt over the whole situation. I wish things could have worked out differently. Having Edward back in my life just confirmed how insane it was for me to ever think I could just stop wanting to be with him.

It's been almost a year since he left and my feelings for him haven't dimmed at all. Maybe Ward was right. Maybe I was letting fear manipulate my actions. Maybe I forced Edward to walk out of my life because I couldn't handle how much he made me feel.

I have to wonder how long it would have taken before I started to pull away from Jacob in the same selfish way.

It was unfair of me to judge Bella so harshly for being completely obsessed with JP when at the same time I was fully enamoured with Ward.

For the life of me I have no idea how to correct all the mistakes I've made since coming to Forks. Part of me just wants to burn it all away and start over. To make a new start and try to put my past behind me once again.

But, no. That would be the coward's way out. I have to face the choices I've made, both the good and the bad, and decide where to go from here.

"I know it's not something you'll understand," Bella says to me, her voice low and almost timid, "but finding that meadow is important to me. It _matters_."

I deflate suddenly, letting all the anger and guilt drain away.

"Alright then Isy, if it means that much to you then lets go find the damn meadow," I let go of Bella's arm and start walking again.

Bella bop appears to pause for a second, seemingly confused by my easy acceptance. But a moment later she's following after me, deeper into the forest.

It takes forever. And I mean, like, FOREVER. But eventually we reach the meadow that Bella was blathering on about. I actually vaguely recognise it as a place where Edward and I once settled down in.

I think we might have kissed for the first time here. Possibly.

I try to chase the memory of my first kiss with Ward, but it keeps dancing away from me inside my head. All I can really remember is an intense eat that completely consumed me in a way that I'd never felt before in my life.

My body told me that Ward was something special. My head told it too. But that damn heart of mine screamed it the loudest.

So why did I throw it all away? Right, for Bella's sake.

Bella looks a bit morose, like she's reached her own personal nirvana but it isn't what she thought it would be.

The meadow is beautiful. Peaceful. It reminds of that feeling you get when you first wake up in the morning. That split second when everything in the world holds still. Nothing matters in that second. Everything bad gets washed away. Just for a single solitary second, you forget.

I like to believe that's a gift from the universe. Even if it seems like a curse at times. But then, the universe has never truly understood true kindness. That's something we created ourselves through trial and error.

Like dreaming.

I place a hand on Bella's arm and tug her over to a soft looking smoosh of grass. I drop down onto it, bringing Bella down with me. She makes a small sound of protest, but then gives in once we're safely seated on the ground.

For a little while we just sit there. We don't speak. We don't even look at each other.

My sister and I allow the serenity of this place to pull us under like a current in the ocean.

I allow my mind to empty for a bit. I refuse to think about Jay or Ward or Beany or college or school or my dad or my mum or anything else that bubbles up inside my brain on a daily basis.

After what feels like no time at all, but has probably been at least an hour, Bella breaks the sweet silence by saying,

"There was nothing special about this place without him."

I let out a soft sigh and take my sister's hand in mine. Our fingers clasp, and I say,

"Sometimes the pain of life needs to be felt before we can accept the truth of our reality."

Bella's face scrunches up and her hold on my hand becomes very tight.

"I know the reality. I know he's…..gone. There's nothing else to feel. There's nothing else to accept."

"There's always something else to feel." I say calmly.

Bella looks at me then, her eyes wide and full of hopelessness. I see the very real anguish creased into her expression. It makes my heart break a little bit for her. This is the first time she's ever had to handle anything so painful.

Your first time always cuts the deepest into your soul. The first time you feel like you'll never be alright again. The first time your whole world collapses around you and nothing feels right anymore.

I think everyone has that moment. That first cut that leaves a permanent scar for the rest of your life.

I've been watching that scar grow within my sister ever since JP left.

I have to believe that she'll be able to move on with her life at some point. I **_have_** to. Because if not, then I'm responsible for ruining my sister's life.

"What's going on between you and Jacob?" Bella asks me. She's clearly deflecting attention away from herself. I want to push back, but I think she'd just get pissy, so I'll leave it alone for now and pretend to be an unaware of what she's doing.

"What do you mean?" I ask all innocent and fluffy-like.

Bella eyes me speculatively,

"You haven't been to see him in seven whole days. That's the longest since you two started 'seeing each other'."

"Nice to know you're keeping tabs on my wuvlife Isy, but nothing is going on."

I lie. I **LIE** FOLKS.

I try not to feel too guilty about that fact that Edward came back to Forks and I didn't tell her. Although, then again, maybe he's already gone. Ward might have left the day I flounced, in a very dignified way, out of Jay's cottage. Right after I gave Ward's face a good slap, which hurt my hand by the way, that fucking giant stone vampy person.

Bella narrows her eyes suspiciously,

"You're so full of shit. What did you and Jake argue about?"

I splutter indignantly at her,

"Well, first of all, Isypuss, _language_ ," I poke her in the nose hard enough to turn it into a little piggy nose, "and second of all, Jay and I didn't argue. I have no idea what you are blubbering on about."

Bella scoffs like the mighty octopus baby that she so clearly is and says,

"Whatever. It's good to know that you and Jacob aren't the perfect young woodland family after all."

I gape at her for a solid few seconds before attacking.

Bella gasps as I pin her to the grass and start tickling her to death. She struggles to shove me off and starts laughing.

We both roll around on the soft grass, tackling each other and getting grass stains all over us. I can't remember the last time Bella and I laughed like this together.

Then, of course, everything comes crashing down when I catch sight of someone familiar over Bella's shoulder. He's too far away at first for me to really see who he is, but when he shuffles a little bit closer, my eyes blow wide.

"Bella!" I hiss, and she goes immediately on alert.

"What?" Bella asks, sounding a bit panicked, "Is it the bear?"

I shake my head slowly,

"Worse. So much worse. It's Robbie Williams!"

Bella looks confused at first, but then something seems to click inside her mind and she twists around to stare at the person walking purposefully towards us.

I scramble to my feet, and yanks Bella up with me.

"Laurent!" Bella gasps in astonishment.

Oh yeah, it's that vampire dickhead who showed up with Gary last year. You all remember Gary, right? The moron who tried to murder me. Yeah, that prick. Well this guy is his best fwend, along with the lost Weasley sibling. I wonder if she's ambling around here somewhere.

Robbie stops about ten paces away from us and grins.

I want to throw a guinea pig at his face.

"Bella and Ever?" Robbie says, his eyebrows firmly raised.

"You remember." Bella says in an almost dreamy voice.

Jesus Christ, I wasn't aware she had a crush on Robbie Williams. I bet Gary would have been well pissed off about that. He was the one who wanted to date Bella first. But then she turned him down for JP, Satan only knows why, and Gary decided to kill her instead. Bella then tricked me into getting almost murdered too just because I wanted to get some pringles. Kevin the original gave his life to save her (a possible mistake on his part) and then Edward set Gary the meany bo beany on fire.

At least that's how I remember it.

"I didn't expect to see you both here," Robbie says, his eyes skating between us in a really unnerving way.

"We live here." I say flatly.

"I thought you went to live in Alaska," Bella says in a much brighter tone. She's staring at him like he's the most amazing thing she's ever seen. Weird.

I send Bella a 'look'. Why is she encouraging this? WHY?

"You're right," Robbie says in agreement, "I did go to Alaska. Still, I didn't expect… When I found the Cullen place empty, I thought they'd moved on."

Oh, oh, smooth dumbass, real smooth.

Bella's face just about collapses in on itself and I mentally roll my eyes. I can see endless weeks of moping proceeding this meeting. DAMN YOU WILLIAMS!

"They did move on," Bella says meekly.

"They needed a change of scenery. Living in the forest gets old, who knew?" I say drolly.

Now Bella sends me a 'look'. I grin manically at her.

See, we're already back to our old tricks.

"I'm surprised they left you both behind. Weren't you two sort of their pets?" Robbie says, his strange eyes brightening.

Ok, I'm gonna slap a Take that bitch in a minute. I regret not bringing Kevin 2.0. I did consider it just in case we actually encountered the mythical giant Forks bear, but at the last moment I left him behind.

I bet he's at home laughing at me right now.

I take my phone out and discreetly send a text behind my back to Jay.

**SOS. Take that take two. The meadow.**

I don't know if Robbie will actually attack, it seems likely, or what Jay will actually do if he comes. But I feel the need for some back up just in case.

I only half listen as Robbie and Bella babble on about nonsense, and Bella attempt to lie about the Cullens visiting us. She is a terrible liar. Like seriously.

It's not until Robbie mentions Weasley that I actually force myself to get involved in the 'conversation'.

"What was that you said about Weasley?" I ask.

Both Bella and Robbie turn to me then and say at the same time,

"Who?"

Jesus, am I the only one paying attention around here?

"You know, Weasley, the red haired crazy bitch who had a thing for Gary. God only knows why, he was a duck haired rock fiend." I explain slowly. I don't want to confuse the emonator and Robbie too much by using too many big words.

Robbie stares at me.

I stare back.

Bella sighs loudly. I ignore her. As you should all evil things.

Robbie continues to stare at me.

I continue to stare back.

Bella sighs even louder. I lift my hand and wipe it down over her face.

The whole staring thing goes on for a long time. I start to get bored. The things become awkward. Like majorly. I blame Bella.

Finally Bella snaps, aiming a miffed off glare my way,

"She means Victoria."

Who?

"Ah ha," Robbie's eyes brighten, "Yes, now I understand. Victoria will be angry that she missed this. She rather wanted to kill you both herself."

Rude. Wait, hang on...Weasley wants to murder us? Hold the fucking phone, is Robbie threatening to murder us right now? I'm seriously getting messed up.

"Why is Weasley pissed of at us? It was Gary who tried to seduce Bella." I say.

Robbie chuckles and says,

"I know, it seems a little backward to me, too. But James was her mate, and your Edward and John-Paul killed him."

"Is still fail to see how I fit into this. Logically, shouldn't she want to murder Edward and JP?" I pull a face at Robbie.

"Victoria isn't usually one for...logic, as you put it."

What other way is there to put that? What is he talking about? I'm starting to seriously dislike this Williams bitch, maybe even more so than the mighty Gary.

Robbie speaks directly to me then,

"She thought it more appropriate to kill you than Edward—fair turnabout, mate for mate. She asked me to get the lay of the land for her, so to speak. I didn't imagine  
you would be so easy to get to. So maybe her plan was flawed—apparently it wouldn't be the revenge she imagined, since you must not mean very much to him if he left you here unprotected."

"Oh, I have protection," I say menacingly, "His name is Kevin 2.0 and he is one badass motherfucker. He will decimate you and all your little Weasley friends."

"What are you doing?" Bella hisses at me.

"Shut up, Isy, I'm in the middle of a stand off here." I wave her away. I do not have time for her angry bee-like rage.

"You'd be thanking me for this if you knew what Victoria had planned for you," Robbie promises, his fangs officially coming out to play.

"Back off Williams, or I will unleash my full wraith on you." I say, shaking a fist at him.

He pauses and eyes me suspiciously,

"What kind of wraith?"

Damn, he has me there.

"Uh...the wraithful...kind of...wraith..." I flick my hands at him, "Shoo shoo. Bad rock, shoo."

Don't mock me. You aren't here. I'm under pressure, alright.

Robbie just smirks and says,

"I promise you won't feel a thing, sweetie."

I hope this guy gets eaten by a horde of pandas. I don't know how that situation would come about, but it's what I'm pulling for.

Robbie winds up to attack, his graceful muscles tensing in anticipation. My whole body locks up in animal-like fear. Bella gasps behind me, ever the helpful one.

But then, suddenly, Robbie stops. His eyes widen almost comically at something over my shoulder. Part of me wants to turn around and take a look at what has Robbie so freaked out, but another part of me really doesn't want to take my eyes off Robbie the twatwaffle. I miss Gary, at least he didn't manufacture dramatic pauses.

"Oh my god, Ever." Bella whispers harshly.

Of course Bella gave into the temptation to look behind us.

Robbie begins backing away from me, his eyes still wide and full of fear.

What the frak is going on here?

When Robbie actually starts full on running away, I finally allow myself to turn around. I catch a glimpse of the creature as it dashes after Robbie at full speed.

It's a wolf. A big ass wolf. Like ginarmous. Massive. I mean. **Fucking**. **Big.**

The wolf is as about the size of a bear, with beautiful dark brown fur. Although it's movements are so fast that it blurs. I can't see the creature properly. It's definitely a wolf though.

A moment later both Robbie and the wolf are gone, disappearing into the forest like supernatural ninjas. There's no doubt in my mind. That was not a normal wolf. But what else could it be?

Things just got weird again.

**Jacob's P.O.V**

You know, you'd think turning into a giant magical wolf would be insanely terrifying, or at least strangely exhilarating.

But, truth be told, for me it was actually kind of anti-climatic.

I mean yeah, I did the whole body morph post freak out thing. Because that's just standard.

Once I got over that however, I felt...content. On edge, definitely, but content. It was like finding a part of myself that was always hidden inside.

Not that I'm in any kind of rush to wolf-out again. It's uncomfortable to change forms, although the transition itself was a lot smoother than I would have ever imagined. I think the worst part was feeling that connection, that bond, between me and the...others.

I felt them, inside my head, and that primal animalistic instinct in me wanted to seek them out. But the rational part of my mind already had a mission that was far more important, so I was able to resist the urge. Just.

One of the most intense moments in my life was not changing into a wolf. That moment was far surpassed by the moment when I killed someone for the first time. Although I'm not sure if I should categorise that vampire as a person. He was going to attack what was mine. I would tear any person apart, vampire or human, before I let them harm Ever. She belongs to me, even if she doesn't want to be my girlfriend anymore.

I wouldn't blame her, of course, not after what Edward and I have put her through.

But she's the light to our darkness, and we will love her always for that.

I can't help but think of the vampire I killed as a person because to call him anything else would also be an insult to Edward. I had thought, that once I changed into this...otherworldly creature, that I would hate all vampires, the way the rest of _them_ do.

But I don't. The vampire I killed smelt of death and decay, and I wanted to destroy him from the moment I picked up his scent.

I changed the moment my brain recognised that vampires existence so close to someone I love. It was instantaneous and surprisingly smooth. I felt like I was shedding my human skin to make way for something far more powerful within. But that human part of me remained in tact completely. Instinct took over in some places, but I was still able to think.

I'd been worried I wouldn't be able to. That the wolf would take over and I would be nothing more than a creature of immense magic.

Edward stayed. He had to go back to his family after a few days. The crazy bastard wanted to take me and Coda with him. To make sure we were safe, he said. I was called him a control freak. He agreed.

But then only three days later Edward came back. I'm not sure what he told his family, or how he convinced his brother to let him come back alone. I didn't ask, because to me it didn't matter. He was here. I needed him to be here. Ever needed him too, even if she doesn't know it.

To make sense of all the bullshit going on inside my head, I need both of them in my life. I hope the same is true for them.

It's been agony not being able to see or speak to or touch my Ever. I miss her like some vital part of me has been stolen. She is vital, and I will do whatever it takes to get her back. To make her trust me again. I can't lose the only woman I know I will ever truly love. I can feel it, in some deep, dark part of my soul.

Everlyna Swan is it for me.

Maybe I'm too young to make such a decision. But it's true all the same.

But at least now I know. I know what I need to fight for with Ever.

I just have to sort out where Edward comes into it all.

Edward has been staying with me. It's weird. But not...not in a bad way. A good weird, and I'm honestly not sure what to make of that.

Coda has taken to Edward. Hard. He's barely left him alone since Edward got back. Coda calls Edward 'his Ed', just like he calls Ever 'his Evar'. They play together all the time, and Coda clings to Edward in a way he's never done to anyone else. Like he needs to hold on to Edward so he won't disappear.

Even stranger though is how Edward seems to have taken to Coda. I didn't ever think of Edward as a particularly kid-friendly person. And maybe he isn't. But he sure seems to like **_my_** kid. He's protective as hell of him too.

Edward's protective of me. I don't know why. But it feels good. Outrageously good. To be cared for like that. No one ever has been before, not even Ever.

At the same time neither of us know exactly what to do with ourselves. It's not a typical kind of friendship.

We haven't kissed since the first time. But we do...touch. I'm not sure how to describe it. There's nothing overtly sexual or even romantic about the way we touch. it's just...always there. Edward touches me like he wants to keep me close, safe, always protected. I touch Edward like I'm confirming his existence in my life.

I think what we are and what we feel is far too complex to be explained away with just words or labels.

It's been a few days since I changed and Edward is still here. I worried that I would attack him like I did the other vampire. But his presence seemed to have the opposite effect. I have no idea why, and I'm a little scared to find out.

The...others...have been around too. They smell Edward in my house. I refuse to talk to them. My dad's been calling me like crazy, but I don't want to talk to him either. I want to work things out for myself. I don't want to be part of some club or pack or whatever the fuck it is Sam has going on. I'm not part of their world, I haven't been for years.

I won't belong to them like they want me to. I won't become what they want me to become.

I will be me. Jacob Black. Wolf or no wolf. The rest of the world can either deal with that, or fuck off.

"What do I smell like to you?" Edward asks me, his bright amber eyes flicker over to me.

It's about two in the morning and we're lying on the floor in my living room. It's been our usual spot for the last few days. Edward doesn't sleep, and I prefer to stay awake with him, even when he scolds me for it.

One thing you should know about Edward Cullen; he's a bossy son of a bitch. Ever never mentioned that part. I wonder if he's only like that with me.

I let my eyes slide over to meet his and contemplate the question carefully. He sounds serious, so I answer honestly,

"You smell like...danger."

Edward quirks an eyebrow,

"Really? Then why aren't your wolf instincts telling you to attack?" He seems to be asking himself more than me.

I smile a little and say,

"Because you also smell...safe."

"That doesn't make sense. I can't be both dangerous and safe to you." Edward scowls hard. His expression morphing into one of confusion.

It's kinda sexy.

I shrug slightly,

"I don't know what to tell you. You make my heart pound and my blood boil, but you also clear out my head and cause all the tension in my body to go away."

It's a complete contradiction of feelings. Like the human part of me is arguing constantly with the wolf part of me.

But even the wolf doesn't hate Edward the way it does other vampires.

Edward seems to think about that for a long time. Lot of emotions flit over his features, and I watch them all in fascination.

Eventually Edward looks over at me again and says,

"There's really only one explanation."

My own eyes widen at that and I scoot a little closer, shifting onto my side so I can face him properly.

"What that then?"

Edward stares at me silently for a few seconds, his gaze is intense and thoughtful. He shifts onto his side as well. One corner of Edward's mouth twists upwards and he says finally,

"Your wolf is even weirder than you."

I give him a dry look even when he starts to laugh.

"Oh ha ha, you're _hilarious_ , fang boy. No please stop. I'm laughing so hard right now."

"I can't hear you laughing," Edward says mock solemnly.

I narrow my eyes at him,

"That's because it's _silent_ laughter."

Edward just grins at me. It's one of those rare real grins that he saves for moments when he's really, truly happy. That isn't often.

I can't help but smile back at him, letting my gaze sweep over his face, taking a mental picture of him so I'll never forget how comfortable and content he looked in this one moment.

"Do I...seem different to you?" I ask him suddenly.

I've been wondering all this time if my reactions to Edward are all one sided. His next words however, prove how wrong I am about that.

Edward's brow creases again, and he looks slightly pained as he says,

"I read minds. It's a vampire gift." He says the word 'gift' like he means 'curse'.

I gape openly at him. And then I'm move away from him. My mind whirls with all the possibilities of what Edward might have heard going on inside my head for the last week. I'm mortified by the very idea of what he might know.

Edward's expression turns hard and furious within seconds and he reaches out with lightening speed to grasp hold of my hip. He drags me over to him and flips us so he's leaning over me.

"Edward, what the hell-" I start, but Edward cuts me off by all but snarling,

"You will _not_ back away from me. Not now. Not _ever_. You have to listen to me, so I can explain."

I grit my teeth and snap at him,

"Explain what? How you've been listening to my thoughts all this time? Yeah no thanks. Let me up now!"

"No way in fucking hell," Edward bites out, "You will stay where you are, and you will listen to me."

See, bossy fucker.

I glare at him, putting as much hostility into my eyes as I can. But Edward doesn't flinch, his grip on me just gets tighter. I'm completely pinned beneath him. I could possibly throw him off with my new strength, but it would be a messy, bloody, fight if I started one. And I don't want that. Not with Coda sleeping just upstairs.

"Get off me, Edward." I say warningly.

"No, I'm quite fond of you staying here. Under me. I rather like you this way. Although a bit more compliance would be appreciated."

Oh, that bastard. That...fucking...vampire... _bastard!_

"I suppose I don't get a choice in this?" I say acidly.

Edward's grip becomes painful, but I don't tell him so. He is a mind reader after all.

Plus, and I will admit this only once in the very depth of my mind where Edward cannot possibly reach... _I feel a rush of excitement at the rough treatment._

"No, you don't get a choice." Edward says firmly.

"Well get on with it then," I say harshly.

Edward just smirks at me. I wish I could hit him.

"I can read minds," Edward begins calmly, "So can my twin brother. I thought we could read the minds of everyone. But then I met...Ever...and I realise I had been wrong."

Wait...he can't read Ever's mind? That explains a lot actually.

"Wow, so you actually admitted to being wrong about something...that must have been a big moment for you. A first time for everything and all that."

Edward growls at me, and I just grin up at him.

"Brat," Edward says, but I can hear the amusement in his voice.

"Is Ever really the only person who's mind you've never been able to read?" I ask, interested despite myself.

Edward tenses, his whole body going taut. He shakes his head,

"No...there is...someone else whose mind I cannot read."

I frown at that, instantly feeling a little bit...jealous? Damn it! It's ok if it's just Ever, that I don't mind for some reason. But I don't want anyone else to be special to Edward like that.

It bothers me a lot more than it should, and that pisses me off.

"Who?" I ask tightly, my voice sounds angry.

Edward actually smiles a little at my clear irritation. That makes me want to smack him again.

"You." Edward answers simply.

I frown at him,

"Me what?"

Edward rolls his eyes in exasperation and says,

"You, Jacob, are the other person whose mind I can't read."

Oh.

"Oh." Is all I can mange to say.

"Yes," Edward says, his eyes burning into mine in a way that makes my breathe quicken, " ** _you_**."

Well fuck me then.


	11. Intruder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Sexual content.Also please read A/N at the bottom, it's vair vair importanto!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own New Moon. At all. Like, not even a teensy tiny bit. I promise.

I am so over not being able to sleep. Like for real.

Ever since I saw that massive, and I mean fucking GINORMOUS!, wolf... _thingy_...I haven't been able to sleep. It's been driving me mad. All I can think about are those two, big, deep brown eyes. I only saw them for the briefest of moments. But that was enough apparently to cause me to become fucking obsessed. There was so much in those eyes. I saw a fierce protectiveness, and a completely wild sense of freedom. I saw fire, both vicious and striking.

I felt...somehow…. _connected_ to that creature, like I could reach out and...touch him. I wanted to touch him. I want to _feel_ him all around me so badly in that moment that it _hurt_.

Because I am severely fucked in the head, obviously. Or as the professionals call it: mindbogfraked. That's a mixture of 'mind', 'boggled' and 'fraked' by the way. Just in case anyone else wants to give it a go at being a therapist. Those are the kinds of terms you'll need to know. They will be on the exams.

You'll also need sock puppets. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

It's been a week since Robbie Williams tried to lick me, which I am of course still very traumatised by. It was a truly horrific event. The Take That bitch. I do not like being licked by non-vegetarian vampy people. I mean….it's different for Ward.

And maybe Queen Bee. But that's just because she's my bestie.

Obviously I could never be as traumatised as Bella the dramarama prop is though. She's taken to moping around the house being all freaked out and sulky, and casting fearful looks over her shoulder. It's weird.

I told her to stop jumping every time someone tries to interact with her, or when an owl hoots. Because it was starting to get annoying. You wouldn't think the emotractor could get any more irritating, but apparently there are even deeper levels of whiny mc whingerson-ness that I didn't even know about.

Also, there are a lot more owls around than I was originally aware of. Like, fuckin'... _loads_.

I think they may be building an army. An army of evil owls that will attack lonesome high school students, such as myself. If that does actually happen then I hope they go after Chatty first. She's being a real bitch at school lately, always sniffing in derision in reaction to my presence and glaring those little piggy eyes at me. I blame Bella bop for trying to befriend her again.

I much preferred it when Chatty ignored my existence and went on pretending like I gave a flying rolling dohnut fuck about her opinion. Now she actually expects me to _react_ when she's being a twatwaffle. It's most bothersome. I may even have to kill her someday soon. I know Beany would help me because he's still holding a mini grudge over the whole _'you kissed my gay blond goldy boyfriend and I'm annoyed about it, and at you, even though you have no idea about any of it'_ thing.

But anyway, diabolical evil owls and bitchy high schoolers aside, I guess the only other thing to worry about is the fact that one day the lost Weasley twin is supposed to be attacking my sister and I. I'm still not sure about her motivations for murdering us though. Apparently, and I say 'apparently' because who can really trust Robbie the douchnozzle human licker, the lost Weasley wants to kill me and Bellacopter because Edward and JP assassinated her boytoy wonder, Gary. I mean, if it was me, not that I would ever have dated the mighty Gary in the first place as he was so clearly a grade A bubblehead, I would so be going after the Cullens instead.

I'd trick all the Cullens into entering my evil lair, then I would capture them and feed them individually to sharks wearing laser beams on their heads.

But that's just the way I roll.

The lost Weasley is clearly just wubbish at dealing with a break up. I mean, when I broke up with Ward, I didn't go off and try to lick someone to death. I may have broken down emotionally and wrote a hundred stories about doomed love, but that's par for the course.

I also didn't try to murder someone when I found out about my ex-boyfriend kissing my new boyfriend. No, Sir, I did not. I may have eaten my own body weight in ice cream and abused Beany for a while and wrote a thousand stories about love triangles. But again, that's pretty much expected.

I did end up googling a lot about bisexuality. Before I talk to Jay again I really want to be prepared. And yeah, I know that's stupid and probably more than a little weird. But if I start worrying about being weird _now_ then I think we all know that battle is already lost. Like way, _way_ lost.

Bella isn't even home right now, I eventually shipped her off back to Phoenix to stay with Mum for a while. At least long enough for her to stop worrying about the lost Weasley and her legion of human licking fiends. I'm not sure if the lost Weasley actually _has_ fiends aiding her, but I imagine that would be the next 'logical' step if she still thinks the Cullens are guarding me and Bella. Unless Robbie really did end up escaping that freakin' massive wolf thingy. I doubt it, but vampy people can be rather hard to destroy at the best of times, so you never know.

Moving away from all that nonsense, something far worse happened to me recently. I was convinced (bugged and poked aka FORCED) by Goldy to go into Port Angeles a few nights ago, because he wanted to watch a band playing at a coffee shop near the coast. Or at least, that's what he told me before we actually got there. When we arrived at the coffee shop however, I soon ascertained that we would in fact NOT be attending a gig, but a _poetry reading night_.

I was TRICKED! By GOLDY! I am ashamed and horrified that such a thing came to pass in my life. I blame Ward and Jay for their confusing presence and the lost Weasley for making me worry about my own safety.

In case there is any doubt in your minds, it _**was** _ awful. It WAS. Like so, so bad. Like, I mean, seriously, it was so, so _terribly_ shit. I'd go so far as to say shittastic. I can't even...describe to you all how cringafying (that's my new word by the way, inspired by the night of endless Bella wannabes) the experience was for me. And pretty much everyone else involved who was not a 'poet' or Goldy.

I almost threw hot chocolate all over Goldy's stupid head many a time that night. But I refrained because that would have been a waste of a chocolatey substance. I'm not an animal. I have morals. I mean about wasting chocolate, not throwing hot stuff over dickheads who trick their friends into going to poetry nights. If I'd been eating soup instead then Goldy would have been done for. That's all I'm saying.

Apparently Goldy has given up on trying to whoo Beany with his 'musical talent', and is now going to attempt romantic poetry to win back Beany's affections. I would like to point out that I am vehemently against this idea. But Goldy will not be dissuaded by man nor beast nor well meaning friends such as myself.

I suppose it could be worse. He could be _rapping_ the poem. For the love of God universe, do not let me say that to him, he might take it as a suggestion or something equally horrifying.

I've decided not to tell Beany about the love poetry thing. I think it'll be a nice surprise for him.

Charlie is also away for the weekend, he's out camping. Apparently my Dad and some of the townsfolk are hunting down the 'bear', which I now know is actually a giant wolfy thing. Those hunters must be rubbish if they can't even tell the difference between the tracks of an overgrown fat wolf and a _bear_. When they find out they're gonna be _so_ embarrassed. I would be if my tracking skills were called into question like that.

I don't have any tracking skills. And yet, I'm the one who found the 'bear'. I mean Bella was there too, but she was more like my hiking stick than anything useful. Robbie was technically there as well, but like hell am I letting that arsebucket take any of the credit. When I write the epic story of the time I outsmarted everyone in town by finding the toxic waste creation that all the experts thought was a bear, Robbie won't even be mentioned in my Authors acknowledgements section.

Yeah, that's how pissed I am about him trying to lick me.

I'm home alone, which is actually a lot more peaceful than you'd think considering the looming danger of the lost Weasley. Beany asked if I wanted to stay over since it's Friday night, but really, I wanted some time to myself, so I've agreed to stay over tomorrow night. We're finally going to have a Harry Potter movie marathon night.

I've already finished all my homework off for the weekend, so there's nothing left for me to do but relax. Maybe I'll even get some sleep tonight. Possibly. We shall see.

I just about shit a brick when I hear tapping on my bedroom window.

IT'S THE OWLS! THEY'VE FINALLY COME FOR ME! RUN! SAVE YOURSELVES!

I dart a glance at Kevin 2.0 and reach down to grab him. All I'm wearing is a long blue shirt...I think it's one of Jay's actually.

Regardless, I get myself into position on the bed with my legs spread in a battle stance and Kevin 2.0 raised high in the air. I shout at the top of my lungs,

"FUCK OFF OWLY _SCUM_! I AM **ARMED** YOU TWISTED FLUFFY FUCKS!"

It's only when I look at the window properly that I see that it isn't actually a horde of evil owls come to murder me in my bed and take my body parts back to their leader to be used in a sacred owl ritual.

Nope, it isn't owls. It's Edward. And his stupid pleading face.

Part of me wishes it had been the owls. Or even the lost Weasley. Either of those would have been less painful than seeing my ex-boyfriend standing there outside on a tree branch.

He looks ridiculous.

I drop Kevin 2.0 onto the bed and go over to open up the window.

Ward and I stare at each other for a few seconds. Our gazes locked. That all too familiar zing of lightning spindles up my spine, and a pleasurable ache inside my heart begins to grow. I feel like my stomach is full of giant moths. Everything I've ever felt for Ward just comes rushing back right way. My love for him has not dulled a single iota since he left.

Oh how I have _missed_ this man.

My Ward. No. Not mine. Not anymore.

But I'm still his. Or at least partly. I fear that I always will be.

Eventually I find the strength somewhere deep down inside myself to say to Ward,

"You're sitting in a tree."

Edward nods slowly, not taking his eyes off my face.

"Yes."

"You look ridiculous," I say dryly.

" _Owly scum_?" Edward counters, gesturing behind me at the bed and Kevin 2.0.

I cross my arms and shrug at him,

"Your point?"

"You _**are**_ ridiculous," Ward replies, amusement and adoration in his eyes.

I try not to read too much into that.

Ward cuts off anything I might have said by climbing in through the window, forcing me to move back a few steps towards the bed.

He closes the window behind him, and our staring match continues. Thick tension fills the room instantly.

Finally, out of sheer curiosity, I ask Ward,

"Why are you here?"

Ward's shoulders appear to loosen ever so slightly and I take note of how his expression changes from thoughtful to determined. I wonder about the emotions behind that change, and what could possibly cause it.

"I've come here to...talk."

"Well obviously," I can't stop myself from snapping.

My feelings about Edward are still so confusing. I'm not sure what to do with them.

On the one hand, I'm completely in love with the bastard. But on the other...I kind of hate him. For leaving, even though I asked him to. For befriending Jay. _My Jay_. For coming back, even though I wanted him to. For coming back, but not for me. For Jay. His friend. My boyfriend. And finally, I hate him for having...feelings, or whatever is going on...for Jay.

He has no right to take Jay from me. But then, I have no right to stop him if it's what Jay wants.

The whole situation is maddening and I really do not know _what to **do**_.

Edward becomes just a little more guarded and it feels shitty that we're back to this place where both of us are wary of each other, not knowing what to expect.

I sigh heavily and whisper,

"I'm sorry Ward...I just...feel...lost."

"I know," Ward says gently, and he relaxes again. "I do too. So does Jacob."

I can't help but notice how Edward's voice softens on Jay's name. There's a fierce protectiveness in his eyes too. I've only ever seen it there before when he was saving me from Gary or some assholes on the streets. If Jay can make Edward look like that just because of saying his name...well then their connection must go deeper than I suspected. I thought that notion would bother me, but instead it just makes more sense.

"You came here to talk to me about Jake." I say knowingly.

Edward frowns slightly at that,

"Yes. And no. There are things we need to...sort through. Jacob is one of them. I want...I mean, I need to convince you to talk to him."

Now it's my turn to frown,

"What do you mean? Is he ok? He hasn't been having episodes or anything?"

This causes Edward to, of all things, smile a little bit. He shakes his head,

"No. Jacob's mental health is steady enough. What I mean is that he needs you in his life. It's hurting him not to see you. Jacob and Coda both. I don't like seeing them hurt, in fact...I hate it. I need to make things better for Jacob. It's killing me that I'm part of the reason he's hurting. And you too. I've hurt you both so much and I'll never forgive myself for that."

I clench and unclench my fisted hands nervously. I feel like the world is spinning just a little bit too fast right now. Everything around me feels a lot less solid all of a sudden. I want so badly to touch Edward. So, I do.

I reach out and place a hand on Edward's hard bicep. Ward all but gasps in shock, and so do I. A wave of sensations and lust rolls through me like a tsunami. I can't control the intense emotions at all as they consume me completely.

It feels like forever since I touched Edward, and even longer since he touched me. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it does inside my fucked up mind right now, so that'll have to be good enough.

Then suddenly it's happening and I don't know how to stop it from happening because it's all I've ever wanted since the moment Edward came back into my life two weeks ago.

Ward grasps hold of my hip and yanks me towards him roughly, pressing us tightly together. I feel the masculine hardness of his body and I can't stop the moan that bursts out of my mouth. Soon enough that isn't a problem though, because my moans are swallowed by Edward as his unnaturally cold mouth covers mine.

Desire and fear go to war inside of me as Edward claims my mouth with his lips and tongue. He's stronger than I remember, more forceful and possessive. His grip on me tightens and I know that I will have bruises on my pale skin tomorrow. I wrap my arms around his neck and push our bodies even closer.

Ward reacts by slipping his hands around my practically bare thighs and lifting me up off the floor. I twine my legs around his waist and squeeze him encouragingly. Ward groans into my mouth when I bite his bottom lip, hard. I give my own answering moan when he squeezes my ass. I can feel his thick, pulsing erection through his jeans.

Everything else goes completely out of my mind. Nothing else matters. Nothing else exists.

In this moment, me and Ward are alone outside of our normal universe.

And even if there is a voice inside my head that screams out for Jay, I push that voice away. It's very difficult to do, but I have to, otherwise this thing with Edward can't go on.

I need it to go on. I need this with Edward. Even if everything that comes after this night is shitty and full of pain, it doesn't matter. Not now. Not anymore. Not _yet_.

Edward appears to be thinking along the same lines because he moves us over to the bed. He lowers me down and then covers my body with his. I feel the contours of his body digging into mine, and I arch up against him, trying to get some friction as he kisses me even more thoroughly.

Our tongues tangle together and I run mine along his in a intimate caress.

I grip onto Edward's hair and he grinds down hard against me. I buck my own hips up, wanting to go faster, harder, _more now_. I need to _feel_ him. I need to feel Ward all around me. In me.

I practically tear off Ward's jacket and thin t-shirt. Then his boots, jeans and underwear.

Ward kisses down over my jaw, and even nips at the skin. I writhe beneath him as he laves his tongue over my throat. He lets his teeth run across my skin dangerously, as if teasing me. I'm too caught up in our lust to even appreciate how much restraint Edward is exhausting right now.

Edward pretty much rips Jay's shirt off my body, along with my own underwear. He pauses for a moment though when he has the blue material of Jay's shirt in his hand. I watch him, strangely fascinated, as Ward presses the shirt against his nose and inhales deeply. I swear I hear him whisper the word 'Jacob' under his breathe, but it's too quiet and I'm too pent up to really be sure.

Then Edward is back on me again and his tongue invades my mouth with even more ferocity than before. I let him take possession of it for a while, taking the time to explore his strong, inhuman body with my hands. I trace my fingers over his muscles and slide my hands down his chest. I want to feel every part of him as he, in turn, feels every part of me.

We're bare to each other now, both figuratively and physically. I feel the wetness of his precum on my hip and that makes me think of the wetness that I know Edward will feel between my own thighs.

Ward finally pulls back enough to press his forehead against mine. I shove my hands back into his hair, which is now fucked up from having my fingers run through it like crazy.

I bite at his lower lip again and he growls. It's a deep and primal sound that shudders all the way up through his body and down through mine like the first rumblings of an earthquake.

Edward locks eyes with me then, and I see so much emotion, both great lust and even more powerful love. It sounds so wrong and messed up, but I crave that look from Edward. I think maybe I always have.

Ward whispers, his voice still a bit growly, but also tender and serious,

"Are you sure you want this, Ev's?"

I've had so much time to think during the months when Edward was gone. I had time to think about our relationship, the way I treated him and all the things we said and did to each other. I don't need any more time. I know what I want. Or at least, I know what I want for right now.

The voice that screams out in anguish for Jay comes back with a vengeance. But I beat it back, because I have to.

My grip on Edward's hair tightens painfully and whisper into his slightly parted mouth, our lips still brushing with feather-light touches,

"Yes, I want this, Ward. _**Fuck**_ me. Please, I need you. I need to feel you-"

I'm lost in a breathless gasp when Edward pushes his hard cock into my body.

We stay like that for a moment, with him inside me, our gazes still locked once again. I move my hands to his rock solid biceps and hold onto Edward like he's my lifeline. In such an intimate position, he becomes my world. I feel him everywhere, and his presence banishes every single thought that isn't about him. He drives all the darkness and shadows of my past away.

I've never met anyone who could do that for me before. Someone who can chase away the nightmares and all my fears, and replace them with hope, and a love so deep that it is a force to be reckoned with.

It's been quite a while for me sex-wise, so I appreciate the chance to adjust my position a bit. But when the sensation of being so intimately full takes over, I urge Edward with my hands to move. I can see the question in his eyes. 'Are you ok?'

To be honest, I'm not sure how to answer that question. At least not without sounding batshit crazy.

Sex has always been a double edged sword for me. I liked the feeling of being possessed and owned in the moment, but at the same time such an invasive thing also sets off all of my panic buttons. I could never be sure if I was going to enjoy sex or if it would cause me to have a complete meltdown afterwards, or sometimes even during.

But I thought sex with Edward would be different, and I was right. From the moment he entered my body, I felt a complete sense of calm come over me. It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I think it's because I know, somewhere deep down inside, that I can trust Ward. Despite all the bullshit of the last year, I know Edward cares about me. I know he would never hurt me on purpose. I know with absolute certainty that he would stop if I asked him to.

That may not sound like much, but to me, it means everything.

Edward rolls his hips, pushing further into me with each thrust. He starts off slow and gentle, or as slow and gentle as he can be all things considered. But when I start licking and sucking and biting at his throat and collar bone, he takes the hint. Ward's thrusts go from shallow and tenderly loving to deep and powerful. We soon fall into a steady rhythm as I move my hips in time with his.

My entire body lights up like I'm one giant sparkler. Every nerve ending feels alive and sensitive as hell. I put all my pleasure at the mercy of Ward and he does not disappoint at all. My toes curl as he hits a particularly perfect spot inside me and electric pulses explode in waves under my skin. I let out a breathy scream that soon becomes strangled when Edward takes my mouth in another vicious kiss.

We kiss for so long and with such abandon that our teeth knock more than a few times. It's not perfect or precise, but it's rough and wonderful and so very real. No moment in my life has ever been as real as this one.

I pull another deep growl from Edward when I wrap my legs around his hips and tighten my grip on him, as well as taking his pulsing cock even deeper. His thrusts are quick and fast for a few minutes, his hands gripping my hips hard enough to leave finger shaped marks. Tension builds between us like a quaking volcano getting ready to erupt.

When I begin to reach my peak and my mind starts to blur, Edward slows his thrusts and they become long, achingly possessive movements. His hands shift away from my hips and he places one on either side of my head.

Edward leans down to lick a heated kiss to my mouth, my breathing now having become panted gasps. I try to suck in more air as my body works to keep up with Edward's. I groan loudly when he leans down to press a wet, intimate kiss next to my ear. He whispers in a deep, sex soaked voice,

"I need you too Ever. I want you." He runs his hand down my body, cupping my ass and squeezing it hard, "I want inside you. I want to fuck you all night, maybe even all day tomorrow, too. I want your body hugging my cock, taking me in deep. I want to lie in bed with you at night and I know I can roll over, push my cock inside you and have you any time I want. To know that you want me just as much. Fuck, I want you so Godamn much, it's like a part of me. Something I can't exist without."

I'm not in any state of mind to make the same kind of speech or any kind of promise. But I can say one thing that I know is true, because it has always been true. I pull on Ward's hair so that he's looking into my eyes again, and whisper,

"I love you Edward, with everything I am, I love you."

Our fingers tangle together against the bed.

I release another scream when I come on Edward's cock, and I swear I almost pass out from the pleasure of it all. I've never come so hard in my life. It feels like all the energy has been sucked from my body. I practically go limp beneath Edward. He gasps hoarsely from the tightness and thrusts once, twice, three more times; then he's coming inside me. I distantly feel the heat of him and I try to hold on even though any and all strength has been stolen from my body.

Edward goes limp too, but he has enough presence of mind to pull out carefully and roll over so he won't crush me. He also grasps hold of my arm and pulls me over so that my body is half covering his. I let my head rest on his chest.

After about ten minutes of us lying together in a post orgasmic haze, Ward takes my hand and kisses the finger still adorned with my infinity ring.

**Real love is infinite.**

Ward touches the infinity necklace that Jay made for me. I feel a pit of sorrow well up inside my soul.

" _Jay."_ I whisper, and it's a broken sound.

"I know." Edward whispers back, and I hear the pain and self loathing in his own voice.

I don't look at Edward as I say firmly,

"He's not yours."

I don't know why I say it. I don't know why it matters. But it does.

Edward's whole body goes stiff with tension, and maybe even anger. He replies steadily,

"I want him."

"That's not enough." I tell Ward. "He deserves better than either of us."

Edward becomes even more tense. I didn't know that was even possible at this point. His voice sounds gritted and definitely pissed off now when he says,

"I can't give him up. I won't."

I sigh and close my eyes tight,

"Then we're both selfish assholes."

There's a long pause and then...

"I know."

...

Edward is gone when I wake up in the morning. And I'm glad. Even though it's the best nights sleep I've had in a week, or actually, make that two weeks. I wasn't looking forward to facing Edward after everything last night.

It's not the sex. The sex was everything I could have wanted, it was better than I could have ever imagined, and more.

But that doesn't mean I'm not a shithead. I feel such profound guilt for sleeping with Edward without even discussing it first. I feel even guiltier for avoiding Jay for so long. I miss him, and I miss Coda. I miss seeing them every day and being a part of their lives. I miss having them be a vital part of my life too.

I wish things could go back to how it was before, when it was just the three of us. But at the same time I wanted Edward back too.

That's not how life works though, you don't get everything you want. In fact most people are lucky to even get part of what they want in life. I've already had two amazing things in my life, and I've managed to fuck up both of them.

I probably shouldn't even be allowed out of the house, I'm such a terrible creature.

Please don't hate me. Even though I hate myself. Trust me, you could not make me feel any worse than I already do about all the stupid choices I've made.

Somehow, I have to make things right with Jay. He means so much to me that I can't even put it into words. He has been there for me time and time again, and all I seem to do is fail him. If nothing else, he's my friend, and real friends don't treat their friends like shit. Those are the rules.

But Jay is more than just my friend. He's a piece of my heart, a piece of my soul. That man is buried deep down into my skin and I will never be able to dig him out. I don't even want to. I want to be what he needs me to be.

I think about what my next move should be all day, coming up with plan after plan, only to discard them immediately. Eventually I decide that I need a brainstorming partner, and the only person who I can really turn to is my best friend, Beany.

So, here I am, waiting on his doorstep.

I knock on his door and only moments later, Beany is yanking it open. His pretty grinning face fills my vision, and feel a little bit of tension leak out of me. At least I can always count on Beany to keep the good times rolling.

Beany takes one look at my face however and his grin droops.

"Oh my God, what happened? Did Bella come home early? Did you get attacked by a baby owl? Because I _swear_ I saw the same one stalking me to work this morning. Fucking fluffy hooty nuisances, you know I have half a mind to write a complaint letter-"

I reach forward and slap a hand over Beany's mouth. He licks my hand. I do not move my hand. He bites my hand. I glare at him. He starts chewing on my hand. I pull it away and wipe his spit on my shorts. Before Beany can get all outraged about me silencing him, I blurt out,

"I did something stupid and I'm not sorry about it, but at the same time I am very sorry about it because it was a horrible, selfish thing to do even though it was amazing when it was happening."

Beany stares at me for five long seconds. And then,

"Um...ok you lost me somewhere in the middle there. What are we talking about?"

I reach a hand up to run it through my hair in frustration. I wave a hand at Beany and say,

"I did a thing."

Beany scowls slightly,

"A thing?"

"A bad thing." I nod.

"You did a bad thing?"

"A very, very bad thing."

"You did a very, very bad thing?"

"Yes. And now I feel really guilty and shitty about it."

"You did a very, very bad thing and now you feel guilty and shitty about it?"

"Are you just repeating everything I say?"

"I need context here woman!"

"I DID A BAD THING! What more do you need, you useless fairy princess?!" I yell at him. I think everyone in the street can hear me. I don't care.

Beany crosses his arms and shouts back just as loud,

"I am not a genie, I can't read minds! I need details! Give me details!"

"Genie's can't read minds," I argue pointlessly.

"They might."

"They definitely don't though."

Beany appears thoughtful for a minute, but eventually he just shrugs it off and says,

"Either way, I'm still not a genie and I still can't read minds, so give me details!"

"Details? About _what_?"

"THE THING!"

"WHICH THING?"

"THE VERY, VERY BAD THING!"

I don't feel like this conversation is going anywhere.

Right that's it, I've had enough of this shit. I push past Beany and stomp off inside his house. His parents are gone, AGAIN, I swear they are hardly ever here. I think I see them just as much as Beany does. I go off into the living room and I throw myself down onto the sofa.

On the coffee table in front of me are all the Harry Potter movies laid out in order. I lean forward and swap Goblet of fire with Chamber of secrets just because I know it will annoy Beany and I'm in that kind of mood.

You know, to be a dick. Just a little bit though.

If I was really trying to mess with Beany then I'd open up the DVD cases and swap the discs around. I did that once when we were watching all the Pirates of the Caribean movies. Beany still rants about it sometimes when he's particularly vexed.

I curl up on Beany's sofa like the pissy hedgehog I now apparently am, and wait for my friend. He comes in a minute later with two cans of soda, two glasses and a bottle of vodka he pilfered from his parents' stash.

Beany sets the objects down on the table in front of us and then throws himself down next to me on the sofa. He smooshes up right next to me, just to be irritating and we both sit there in silence for a while.

_Five, four, three, two, one-_

"Ok, for the love of Daniel Radcliff, just tell me what the hell is wrong? Clearly it has something to do with Edward or Jacob because you only get that ugly pensive look on your face when you're brooding over the weirdest hectangle _ever_."

I turn to him slowly and say,

"I don't think 'hectangle' is a word. Or a shape for that matter."

Beany scoffs and ruffles my hair,

"Meh, who cares? That's right no one. Now tell me. TALK!"

I frown at him,

"And what do you mean 'ugly'? You're meant to tell me that I always look fabulous no matter what!"

Beany presses a hand over his heart and puts on a high scandalised voice,

"You want me to... ** _lie_** to you?"

"I hate you. And your stupid, beautiful, ghastly face." I tell him harshly, and I reach over to poke his nose.

"You WUV me. And stop trying to deflect, you clearly have something to talk about, so spill my spiky moody fwend."

I flop my head back against the sofa and exhale a long breathe.

"I had sex with Edward."

Silence.

More silence.

Even more silence.

I look over at Beany to see him staring at me, his mouth gaping open like a badly wronged gecko.

Finally the explosion occurs-

"YOU HAD SEX WITH STUD MUFFIN? NO! NO WAY! OH MY EFFING GOD!"

"Yes," I admit with a wince, "I did have sex with Ward."

Beany gapes at me some more,

"Does that mean the double wedding is back on?"

"No! It was never on to begin with!" I slap Beany's arm.

"Can I be your man of honour again?"

"Hush your face."

Beany bites his lip and shakes his head at me,

"I can't believe you actually had sex with Edward. Like for real though?"

"Yes. For real. Fully naked and everything."

Beany makes a confused face,

"Can you really have sex without being fully naked?"

I quirk an eyebrow at him and smirk a little, unable to help myself,

"Wow, Beany. You really need to get laid by someone who _isn't_ Goldy."

"You're preaching to the choir here, Sid." Beany scootes forward and opens up a can of soda and the bottle of vodka. He looks back at me, "Clearly, this is a moment for drinking. I don't think I'll get through it otherwise."

I am in full agreement on that front. Beany pours some soda into a glass and then adds the vodka. He does the same for himself and then we settle back onto the sofa. I hold up my drink to Beany and say,

"To doing stupid-ass things and then whining about it to your best friend."

Beany clinks his glass against mine and says,

"L'chaim!"

We are so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N-So. Sex scene. I'd first like to say that I know they didn't use contraception, and I am a big advocate of safe sex. I mean if you're gonna have sex, be safe. seriously. But because Edward is a vampire...I just didn't see the need for it in my story. Plus it was a very spur of the moment kind of thing. That actually leads me on to my next point. I am aware that Ever made a 'questionable' decision in this chapter to sleep with Edward. I don't entirely agree with the decision myself, but although it may seem like I control my characters, in truth they actually control me. I'm sort of their bitch, or their writing slave if you like. I write what the characters would actually do, not always what I would want them to do. But please keep in mind that Ever is young, vulnerable and going through a shit load at the moment. We all make mistakes.
> 
> Also, spoiler for next chapter: Ever's dark past-REVEALED! Yep, that's right, the answer to all (most of) your questions regarding Ever's past will be answered. So stay tuned my pretties!


	12. Killer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I do not own New Moon. At all. Like, not even a teensy tiny bit. I promise.

**Jacob's POV**

Have you ever woken up with more than one fluffy creature sitting on your face? Or a small child drawing on your arm with what I hope isn't permanent marker? Or a vampire sitting in a chair next to your bed watching you whilst drinking a cup of tea and smirking?

No?

Well, then you do not know the general mind fuckary of my life.

I practically have a stroke when I breathe in a lung full of kitty fluff and start choking on oxygen. I sit up too fast and my head spins. A few kitties leap away from my face and instead settle on my body instead. I can feel their little claws digging into my skin. I fight the urge to bark at them. Quite literally.

My son's laughter is loud and happy, which somehow makes it sound even louder to my morning brain. Coda crawls closer to me and beams gleefully. That frightens me. Then he says,

"Morning Daddy! I _drawed_ you a picture."

" _Drew you_." Edward and I correct at the same time.

I look over at Edward then. The man is sitting in a wooden back chair with one ankle propped up casually on his knee. He looks comfortable. And kind of ridiculously handsome. Damn him. Edward is bare footed and wearing a pair of black sweat pants and a tight grey t-shirt. It should not be possible for someone to look _that_ refined and sophisticated whilst also wearing sweat pants.

That kind of shit should just go against the rules of the universe.

Edward smirks at me, and my insides do a funny flipping thing that I do not appreciate this early in the morning thank you very much.

"Good morning Jacob." Edward says. He watches me calmly. It makes me want to throw a pillow at his face.

I throw a pillow at his face.

Edward's expression does not change one iota. Coda, however, starts laughing again and grins at Edward. Edward smiles back gamely at Coda and they share a look of complete understanding. I don't trust either of them at all. They've been working together ever since they met. I think their ultimate goal is to take over the world. But for now they'll settle for driving me slowly insane.

Isan- ** _er_**.

Coda pokes my arm and says,

"Look at my picture Daddy, look, look!"

I eye my son suspiciously. There's just enough morning sunlight streaming through the windows in my bedroom to let me see what Coda has apparently drawn on my arm.

It's…..I believe it's a wolf. A pink wolf. A pink wolf with crazy googly eyes. A pink wolf with crazy googly eyes and wearing a rainbow cape.

Well that's one hell of a metaphor.

I look up at Coda, who is now holding his pens up triumphantly. I nod at him slowly and say,

"I like it. I especially appreciate the fact that you used sparkly gel pens for the fur, you little pest."

I reach forward and tickle Coda's sides. Coda starts screeching with laughter and crawls away from me towards Edward.

"No Daddy! Stop! Save me Ed!"

Edward laughs, and it's deep, rich sound, like warm melted caramel. He grasps hold of Coda with one hand and pulls him back. He sits Coda down on his lap and squeezes him tight. Coda curls up against Edward contentedly. One of the kittens chases after Coda and jumps from the bed and onto Coda's lap. Coda starts stroking the kitty, Harry, and he purrs so loud that his little body vibrates.

In his other hand Edward is still holding a mug of something hot. I frown at him and point at the mug,

"You don't drink tea." I'm pretty sure it's tea. It smells like tea.

I'd really like some tea.

Edward's smirk is back, his strange eyes sparking with amusement.

"Coda and I made it for you." He says.

Oh.

I reach my hands out to take the mug of tea.

"Gimmie." I say, but then quickly add, "Please," when both Edward and Coda give me a scolding look.

Edward gives me the mug and I almost jump when our fingers brush. I can feel the coldness of his hand against my heated skin. It causes a burst of electric attraction to run down through my arm. Edward's eyes spark with a different kind of emotion than before, with no amusement at all, but instead a dark kind of longing.

That one moment makes my whole body flush with excitement, and a little bit of genuine fear as well. But then, how else are you meant to feel when you find out you're attracted to a male vampire? I don't think there's a helpline for that.

My mind brings up an image of Ever, and my heart immediately begins to hurt. I've been starting to think that maybe Ever won't forgive me. She might not ever want to talk to me again. I wouldn't blame her if that was the case. But it hurts more than words can describe anyway.

I miss Ever. Coda misses her too, and I see the sadness in his eyes every day when he doesn't see her. It upsets me to watch my son get hurt over something that is mostly my own fault. Part of me wishes I'd never allowed Ever so deeply into our lives. But that's unfair of me. If anything I should wish that I never texted Edward back that first time.

But I don't really regret that. I can't. He's been too wonderful the past few weeks. He's the only person I can trust right now. If Ever were here then there'd be two people I could trust with everything, but she isn't, so I can't.

I'm beginning to wonder if Ever truly loved me. Perhaps it was always more of a friendship thing. I don't doubt that she loves me as a friend, and as someone she can count on to always be there for her. But loving someone because they're your friend isn't the same as being in love with them.

I wish I knew enough about love to be able to judge for myself.

Sam came back again last night. Alone. For once instead of growling at me about my duty to protect our land from vampires, he actually asked calmly for my presence at a pack meeting tomorrow. I wanted to refuse. But he was being so polite about it that it felt like an asshole move to tell him to fuck off. I told Sam I'd come to the damn meeting. But that doesn't mean I'm part of his pack or whatever.

I don't want to be part of a pack. I want to be left well enough alone so I can raise my son and sort out my own shit. My own _life_.

"So, what do you want to do today?" I ask Coda. It's a Sunday so I don't have to work and Coda doesn't have nursery.

Coda's expression suddenly turns intensely thoughtful. His little tongue peaks out, a sure sign that he is thinking very hard. I share a lingering glance with Edward. I didn't mean it to be lingering, but when I saw the good humour and relaxed pleasure written all over his face, I couldn't stop myself from being captivated.

I would be completely horrified by my own thoughts if it weren't for that fact that Edward is a vampire, and therefore by nature he is supposed to draw people in. Vampires are meant to be beautiful so they can entice their prey. That is the only reason I can't seem to stop staring at him all the time.

And if I keep telling myself that, then maybe one day I'll get over this ludicrous _crush_ I have on Edward Cullen.

_Yeah, ok, whatever._

Shut UP brain!

I never thought myself the type to have a crush on anybody. My childhood was difficult enough that I never spared much thought to things like that. Then I had Coda and I didn't think about it for a whole new host of reasons.

Ever was my one exception. But even with Ever, I wouldn't say I actually lusted after her. Or got all weird and nervous in her presence just because she smiled at me. I love Ever. I always have. There was never time for me to develop a crush on her, or to feel myself developing deep feelings for her. With Ever, I loved her from the very beginning, before I can even remember deciding that love is what I felt.

But with Edward it's different. He's different. And for more reasons than the obvious.

Edward's eyes bore deeply into me, the intensity of his focus causing me to suck in an almost painful breathe. He must be doing it on purpose. There's no way someone can look that passionate about something by accident.

I feel a lick of fire go up my spine when Edward's gaze slides over my neck seemingly against his will. I wonder if vampires can even drink shifter blood. Does it taste the same as humans? I can't imagine so.

Why am I even thinking that?

Jesus, it's way too early for this.

Coda, my wonderfully oblivious son, breaks the tension between Edward and me by saying,

"I would like to bake some chocolate Krispy cakes. Like the ones my Evar used to make." There's a certain level of determination in his voice that I haven't heard for quite a while.

The last time Coda sounded like that was when he wanted to paint his room black and then attach glow in the dark stars all over the walls. We argued about it for three weeks. And yes, it is possible to have an ongoing argument with a four year old. Young children can be like baby elephants sometimes; they never forget. At least not when you want them to.

In the end we compromised two days ago when Edward suggested painting the ceiling of Coda's room black and attaching glow in the dark stars. Edward even went out and bought a bag full of glow in the dark stars and planets, _and_ a glow in the dark spaceship.

I think my son just about hugged Edward to death. Well…if he weren't already dead I mean.

"Alright," I say to Coda softly, "we can make cakes."

" _Krispy_ cakes," Coda says more firmly, "with syrup. And coco powder."

I remember the first time Ever made Krispy cakes. She skipped her last two classes of the day and went to the shops to buy some supplies. Then picked Coda up from Nursery and came home. By the time I got back from work, both Ever and Coda were covered in syrup and coco powder.

I asked her why she hadn't just used melted chocolate instead. Ever gave me a surreptitious look and told me that only mudbloods and peasants use melted chocolate when making Krispy cakes.

"Yeah…alright. We'll do it the proper way." I tell Coda, who watches me seriously for another few moments as if trying to gauge my level of honesty. He must see something in my eyes because he smiles suddenly and nods once, apparently mollified enough to trust me.

Whilst I finish my tea, Edward and Coda go downstairs to make breakfast. Or so that Edward to make breakfast for Coda I mean.

I allow myself to relax for only a few minutes before getting up. I went to sleep last night in my jeans and t-shirt by accident, so I feel pretty rumpled. I throw on some old running pants and a black wife beater instead, and then go to join Coda and Edward in the kitchen.

The scene I find in the kitchen makes me smile.

Coda is kneeling on a chair at the kitchen table, a plate of cut up toast pieces on a blue stripped plate in front of him. Edward is leaning against one of the wooden counters, his eyes trained on Coda. There's a small smile on his face that betrays his affection for my son as he watches Coda eat bits of toast and draw with the same glittery gel pens he used before on my arm.

I move further into the kitchen. Coda looks up at me and grins, showing off all his little teeth. But he only wastes a few moments on me before returning to his toast massacre and sparkles.

Edward doesn't show any signs of acknowledgement until I stand next to him, also leaning against the counter top. He glances over at me and says,

"Do you want some toast too fluffy?"

He always calls me that when he's in a particularly good mood. _The fanged bastard_.

"It depends...will you cut the crusts off for me as well?" I raise an eyebrow innocently at him.

Edward sighs in mock exasperation,

"No. The crusts stay."

"Well that's just unfair," I murmur to Edward so only he can hear me, "Coda got his crusts cut off."

Edward shrugs nonchalantly,

"That's because he's my favourite."

I place a hand over my chest and say,

"I can't believe you would say that. I thought we were best friends forever. Or was that all just a lie to you?"

Edward's lips curve into a not quite smile when he replies,

"Ah, so you do care."

I cross my arms and shake my head at him,

"Nope. I was just using you for your toast making abilities."

Edward laughs this time, his frustratingly perfect face lighting up like a firework display of beauty. He leans a little closer to me then and my breathe hitches. Edward's voice is low and teasing when he says,

"Admit it, you like me."

"You wish." I scoff, unable to keep the smile off my face.

"I do," Edward says, and I look at him in surprise. His expression is far more serious than before.

"You drive me insane when you look at me like that, you know," I tell him.

Edward's smile becomes somewhat smug,

"Good."

I fight the urge to roll my eyes. He's so damn frustrating.

The rest of the day pretty much goes on like that. With me trying not to reveal the full patheticness of my crush, Edward trying to keep himself from all out groping me all the time, and the both of us desperately attempting to make Krispy cakes the 'proper way'.

Just in case you were wondering, we fail epically at all of it.

By mid-afternoon, Coda is covered in sticky cake mix and having a nap in the bath (he fell asleep before we could actually fill the tub with water. He's using a towel as a blanket. It's his favourite one with Flounder on the front.). I'm sitting on the sofa, or actually I should say that most of my body is pressed against Edward's. Edward is running his fingers through my hair in a way that can only be described as unapologetically possessive.

Satan only knows why I'm letting him do it.

Edward and I are watching something on TV. I think it's a movie. But that's about as much as I could tell you. My concentration is fully on Edward. I can feel everywhere that he touching me like an ice cold burn. And that does make sense, I promise you.

This is weird. Don't be thinking I don't know that. I do. I really, really do.

I'm not exactly sure what I feel for Edward. But I do know that it's something intense and strong and scary as all fuck. I'm scared. Honestly I am. I'm not too proud to admit it. I'm more scared of this thing between me and Edward than I am of Sam and all this wolf shifter bullshit.

Edward turns off the TV suddenly.

"I have to tell you something." Edward says, and I feel his voice vibrate through his chest against my back

My own heart tightens at the serious tone in Edward's voice. I move around on the sofa so that I can look Edward in the eye properly. This feels like the kind of moment where eye contact is important.

"What's wrong?" I ask him.

Edward's eyes fill with a bitter kind of sorrow, and I immediately want it gone. I wish I could wipe all that pain away and never have to see it on his face again. But I can't do that, because despite the whole wolf thing I'm not at all magical.

I'm just an ordinary every day possibly bisexual wolf shifter teenage father.

Yeah, ok, maybe 'ordinary' wasn't the best word to use. In fact normality-challenged might be a better term of description.

Edward doesn't look away as he says,

"I went to see Ever on Friday night."

A hard lump of rock seems to form inside my stomach. I can feel the slight tremors of pain hidden away inside that rock.

"And?" I push, not wanting to draw this out any more than it needs to be.

Edward's jaw tightens and ticks, with both anger and nerves. A crack appears in that rock inside of me. A slice of pain lashes out. I try desperately to ignore it, to push those feelings away.

"I wanted to tell her how sorry I was. I wanted Ever to know that you and Coda miss her more than anything. I believe she needed to know that at least."

" _Edward_." I say more forcefully when I realise he's about to start getting all formal and tense, a sure sign that he's upset about something.

Edward swallows hard, a very human gesture for such an inhuman creature. He locks eyes with me again and says almost gently,

"Ever and I had sex."

The rock explodes. Agony spirals through my body and I'm completely powerless to stop it.

I withdraw into my own head, which is the only way I know to protect myself from this fathomless pain ricocheting inside me.

I remove myself from the sofa and back away from Edward, who is looking at me with a wounded expression on his face. I see guilt and desperation in his eyes, but I don't know what to do with it.

Logically, I know I have no real right to be upset. I'm not officially with Ever anymore, and I'm definitely not with Edward. They can technically do whatever they want together without any kind of permission from me.

But, like with most situations related to strong emotion, I can't stop myself from feeling the pain of it anyway.

I feel weak, and I **_hate_** feeling weak. I **_despise_** it. Weakness is not the kind of thing people like me can afford to feel.

I'm a _Dad_. I'm a _mentally ill_ person. I'm a fucking _wolf shifter_ now too.

I can't be weak. I _refuse_ to be.

I will not break. Not for Ever. Not for Edward. Not for anyone.

Finally, all I can find it in myself to say to Edward is,

"You need to leave."

I keep my eyes averted from his so I won't see his likely painful reaction to my words.

I expect Edward to walk out silently, seething. Or to yell excuses at me.

What I don't expect is for him to growl quite simply,

" ** _No_**."

Before I can even react to his statement, Edward is up and prowling towards me. I feel instead of see the predatory way he moves across the room. I quickly find myself being backed up against the old stone wall.

"Edward," I gasp, still refusing to meet his eyes.

Edward crowds in close to me, making it so our bodies are touching and our faces have only about ten inches of space between them.

"You will not do this," Edward says firmly, his voice still growly and deep.

I shudder against him, and then curse myself for the uncontrollable response.

"Do. _What_?" I demand, trying to sound angry instead of hurt. And yes a little bit turned on. Sorry. I promise you, if I could turn my dick off, I would.

"You're pulling away from me. **_Again_**." Edward says, sounding distressed and upset and pissed off all at once, "I can **_feel_** you pulling away. I can feel you disengaging emotionally from what you're feeling towards me."

I try to shake my head, but I can't because it's pressed into the wall too much. I can't really move at all without risking touching Edward even more than I already am right now.

"You need to go," I say, and I hear the deadness in my own voice.

Edward presses a hand to my stomach and it _burns_. Jesus, **fuck** , his touch makes me feel like I'm being electrocuted with lightning. Edward slides that hand up my stomach and up over my chest, leaving a trail of tingling pleasure-pain zings on my body even through my clothing. He doesn't stop until he's holding my face in a firm grip, his thumb stroking over my jaw, causing me to shiver once again.

My body betrays me epically. You'd think it would be on my side what with Edward being a vampire and all, but no, my wolf counterpart can't even be good for warding off semi non-consensual lust attacks from Edward. Can't one thing in my life just work the way it's supposed to?

No, apparently not.

" ** _Please_** don't shut me out," Edward pleads, and he sounds desperate enough to shock me a little.

I make the mistake of looking into his eyes then. I see a powerful amount of despair and fear. Two emotions I've never seen Edward display before.

 ** _"Please_**." Edward all but whispers.

My heart is racing like it might be attempting to burst out of my chest and make a run for it at any moment.

" ** _Stop._** _"_ But it's barely a protest. Not a real one anyway.

"I can't lose you," Edward growls at me, his eyes flashing dangerously, "not now. Not ever."

I make a sound a lot like a moan when Edward moves even closer, letting his knee press in between my thighs. His chest bumps mine, and I gasp against his mouth. Edward cups my face in both of his hands and lets his lips ghost over mine. We both tense at the feeling of white hot fire lighting up our nerves from that brief touch alone.

Then Edward's lips are on mine and everything else in the world finally, for once, fucks off. My mind is completely blank of everything except for me, Edward and this God damn fucking wall pressing into my back.

I make another embarrassingly loud moaning sound and Edward growls in response, his kiss going from gentle to hard and passionate in a split second. Edward is rough and demanding as he thrusts his tongue into my mouth, laying claim quite profoundly without having to actually say anything. This kiss means _'you're mine'_ more than the words themselves could have.

I throw myself into the kiss, giving Edward everything I have to give inside of me. I lay myself bare for a long moment, allowing Edward to feel how much I want this, how much I want _him_.

Edward growls again, the sound heavy with lust and a deep, dark, sense of satisfaction that cuts deep into my soul. It leaves a permanent mark there that I know now will never fade for as long as I live.

I think there's a more than good chance that Edward would have fucked me right against the wall then and there if it hadn't of been for Coda's voice calling from upstairs,

"Daddy! Ed! I'm awake now!"

With a vehement groan each, Edward and I stop kissing each other to death and instead pant heavily, arousal still almost painfully strong between us. There's a thick tension to the air that makes me feel light headed. In maybe the best possible way. Or the worst, depending on how you look at it.

I squeeze my eyes closed for a few blissful seconds, allowing myself to calm down a bit. Then I open my eyes again and meet Edward's. He still looks about ready to tear my clothes off and screw me into the ground, but I trust his self control. Sort of.

"We're coming Coda!" I call up to my son from my position against the wall.

Edward actually snorts out a laugh and I look at him in confusion. He smirks evilly at me and says,

"I don't think we are."

I get the joke a moment later and roll my eyes. I'm unable to stop an amused snort of my own though.

"You're terrible, fang boy." I say to Edward.

Edward leans in to lick the most sensitive part of my neck and whispers into my ear,

"Keep telling yourself that, fluffy."

Then we're both snickering and the tension between us has calmed down enough that we can move away from each other and go upstairs to hopefully bathe my son before he gets syrup all over the walls. Again.

* * *

I think my brain is about to explode.

I need aspirin! ASPIRIN IS NEEDED!

Or Calpol. Yeah, lets go with Calpol, I love that sweet shit. It's the only drug I'm a fan of.

I crack my eyes open and my cornea's are immediately attacked in a rather vicious manner. My loud groan is met with an answering one from Beany. We're led together on his living room floor with my head resting on his stomach.

"What is that horrible noise?" Beany complains prissily.

"Us. Breathing." I say with another long groan of complaint.

We drank a lot last night. Like, really, really, very much a lot.

I don't usually drink, the taste of alcohol is shitty when compared with things I'd much rather have in my mouth (don't even go there) such as ice cream and pop corn and all kind of unhealthy snack foods.

But this time I made an exception. What else are you meant to do when you have sex with your ex who you are still in love with, but also kind of what to hate because of said ex boyfriends obvious 'feelings' for your new sort of boyfriend who you are also in love with?

Well, ain't that just a whole lot of whackadoodle.

I shift around a bit, trying to find the strength and will inside myself to get up. I do not find it.

"Stop moving you beast," Beany demands, his voice still groggy from sleep and what sounds like one hell of a hang over.

"Quit being a complainy pants and help me up." I say, moving my hand to whack Beany's chest.

I look around the room for a moment, trying to get my eyes to stop burning in reaction to the sunlight coming in through the windows. I catch sight of the coffee table covered with at least six cartons of ice cream, twenty DVD'S, a dozen different shaped glasses and cup, three lemons, a knife and, for some reason, glitter. I know why the rest of it is there, but the glitter is definitely a mystery.

Maybe the drunk fairy paid us a visit.

That thought at least makes me smile. Beany actually does help me get into a sitting position. Then he promptly flops back down again. The sound of his head hitting the floor makes my own hand thump painfully.

My whole body is aching and creaking like an old abandoned house. At least I don't want to throw up, that would be nasty.

I crawl uselessly over to my bag and start digging through it to find my pills. With a swift look over at the clock I realise uneasily that I've missed most of the day. We didn't crash out until at least five o' clock this morning.

I use the sofa to lift myself to my feet once I find the bottle of little sanity saving pills. My head is still banging, but I ignore that in favour of stumbling into the kitchen and taking out a bottle of water from the fridge. I pop two of the pills and drink half of the bottle of water in one go, attempting to make my throat feel at least a modicum less dry.

I lean my forehead against the cool surface of the fridge and turn off my brain for a little bit. I'm not even really sure what Beany and I talked about last night. Most likely our romantic problems. Because we're big girls like that sometimes.

"Sid!" I hear Beany call from the living room.

"What?" I shout back to him, and then immediately regret when my head gives a warning twinge of pain.

"I think I texted someone a picture of my cock." Beany replies, sounding somewhat perplexed.

It takes a moment for my brain to full register his response. When I finally process it I frown in confusion and force myself to leave the sanctuary of the kitchen. I shuffle back into the living room and find Beany sitting up in the middle of the room with his phone in his hand.

"Who'd you text your dick to?" I ask tiredly as I sit down crossed legged in front of Beany.

Beany is scowling at his phone in confusion,

"I have no fucking idea."

I laugh dryly and say,

"What? How can you not know?"

Beany thrusts his phone at me and pokes he screen,

"Look. I don't recognise that contact."

I take the phone from Beany and look down at the contact name. All it says is 'Hot Mozzarella stick 89'. Ok, weird.

Something tickles at the back of my mind and my eyes scan the room once. When I see the pizza box hidden under the sofa I suddenly remember. I bite my lip to conceal a snicker,

"Oh my flip flop, Beany!"

"What?" Beany says, sounding kind of panicked, "Do you know who that is?"

I nod slowly at Beany, my headache now residing a little out of pure amusement.

"Do you remember that pizza delivery guy from last night?"

Beany's brows furrow for a few second and then his eyes widen as comprehension kicks in.

"Oh no, no, no, no!" Beany all but yells.

Around half ten we ordered a large pizza, and to be honest we were pretty off our faces already by that point. I remember Beany getting all excited about the pizza arriving because the pizza delivery guy was hot. He wasn't actually all that hot, but he was cute in a very dorky boy next door kind of way. He reminded me of Goldy, which is what I pointed out to Beany at the time.

Beany refused to listen to me and proceeded to shamelessly flirt with the cute pizza delivery boy. I think the guy was pretty thrown by getting such attention from anyone, let alone a man. It was actually hilarious to watch Beany throw himself at this confused blond guy. He did end up giving us his number though, but I think maybe that was just a means to escape our drunk clutches.

I scoot forward a bit when it looks like Beany is about to have a heart attack. I start rubbing his arm in what I hope is a calming way.

"It's ok, Beany, no worries. He's just a stranger, who cares if you sent him an embrarrassing photo? We'll just chalk this up to another one of those things we never talk about ever again."

I suddenly get hit with another flashback from last night. The moment I broke down completely in front of Beany, in front of my best friend Eric, and told him the single biggest secret I have. The even in my life that changed everything. There were some awful things that happened before that, and some even more terrible things that happened afterwards. But that...thing...that time in my life is the one I will always remember as the moment when my mind splintered into a thousand dark and sharp edged pieces.

_"You don't have to tell me Sid-" Beany starts, his expression as serious as I've ever heard it._

_I cut him off though,_

_"No. I want to tell you. Well, actually, I don't want to. I don't ever want to talk about it again. But I need someone to know. I need someone to understand."_

_Beany reaches over and takes my hand, he looks into my eyes when he says,_

_"I'm right here. No matter what you tell me. I ain't going nowhere, Sid. Ever. I promise."_

_I smile, but I know it looks false and brittle. That's because it is._

_"I know." I say, even though inside I'm being torn apart by a despair so deep and so agonising that it makes me want to curl up in a corner and die right here and now._

_I swallow hard and grit my teeth for a moment, willing the intense pain to pass. It never really does, but I continue anyway. I don't look at Beany as I say it, I can't. I close my eyes. Some things just need to be said in the dark._

_"Years ago I met a boy. He wasn't a monster. I want to make that clear from the start. He was just a boy. Yeah, he was older than me by six years, but at the time that wasn't important. He wasn't a bad person. His name was Drake. Drake Bluestone. I loved his name. That was one of the first thing I ever loved about him. Drake was tall, broad and achingly handsome. But he was also shy and introverted. He loved books. We always talked about books, and never once mocked me for loving them so much. He was kind to me. He bought me ice cream and we'd sit together in his car and talk for hours and hours and hours. He wasn't a monster."_

_I take a steady breathe, willing myself to go on._

_"There's a lot of things that happened between that point and the one when he did...what he did. But I don't feel ready to go through all those things. I'll tell you one day, if you stick around long enough...all you really need to know are three things. One, Drake Bluestone was not a monster. Two...my first boyfriend kidnapped me and held me prisoner for almost three months against my will in his basement. Three, I killed him."_

I'm brought out of my memory when Beany takes my hand again and squeezes it. He peers at my face. Maybe he was just reliving that moment from last night too.

"You doing ok, Sid?" He asks, with all the sincerity in the world.

It's not a stupid question when the person who asks actually means it.

I squeeze his hand back and say,

"Nah. But I will be."

I have to believe that. I have to believe it otherwise there's no point in anything at all.

The question is...do you understand now?

Do you?

That's a question only you can answer. I'm stuck here with all my questions and answers. And you're all stuck with yours.

But that's life I think. It's hard. It's supposed to be.

The way I see it, you gotta let the fucked up shit that happens in your life do what it's meant to do.

Make you strong.


	13. Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own New Moon. At all. Like, not even a teensy tiny bit. I promise.

I hesitate before knocking on the door, which I know is stupid. So _stupid_. After everything Jay and I have been through together, how can I be nervous about just talking to him? I mean, what do I think he's gonna say?

_That he doesn't love you anymore._

Thank you inner crazy voice! Very helpful.

_You're welcome._

I hate you.

_Bite me._

I really don't want Jay to catch me arguing with myself outside his front door. I seriously do not need to be projecting insanity vibes right now.

After a slightly saner _cough_ sober _cough_ discussion with Beany, I decided that it would be best if I talked to Jay. Hopefully alone.

It's driving me crazy(er) not knowing what he's thinking. I have to understand what he's feeling. What he wants from me. I'd also like to know what he wants from Edward, but that's not really my business unless Jay brings it up.

I wonder if Ward told Jay about us sleeping together. I cringe at even the thought of how that conversation might go. Would Jay be upset by the news? Pissed off? Jealous? Of who?

Well, jealously is more Ward's thing to be fair. I've never actually seen Jay get jealous before, not even when I was with Edward. He just seemed to wordlessly accept that I was with someone else and that meant we couldn't have any kind of romantic relationship.

But now everything is different. I'm supposed to _be_ with Jacob. So was what I did with Edward cheating? If so, then was Edward kissing Jacob cheating as well? I'm just so confused about everything, and like Beany said, I won't really know anything until I talk about it with both Jay and Ward.

Well, actually, what Beany said was ' _strap on a pair of big girl balls and face the badly written music, Sid, or you'll be forever filled with woe and regret_ '. But the sentiment is the same.

So, I girded my loins and such forth, and after school let out I made the trek out to Jacob's cottage. It's only when I arrived that I realised quite how much I'd missed this place. A strange pang hit my chest when I saw the beautiful cottage through the trees. Being here feels like coming home.

I know it's wrong to feel that way. This isn't my home. It could have been though. If it weren't for Edward coming back and the feelings of lust and love he brought with him. I could have been happy here, in this place, with Jay and Coda. But now Edward is back in my life, and the thought of ever losing him again cuts me up inside like nothing else ever has.

Sometimes, life really does seem to enjoy kicking you in the teeth.

Bella came home from Phoenix yesterday, and yes folks, she's still just as mopey and emo as before. Ah, it's sort of good to know that some things will never change.

I psych myself up a bit, bouncing on my toes and repeating the mantra ' _I am Ever the freakin unicorn and I_ _ **got**_ _this_ ' inside my head over and over again. I'm completely capable of having a mature and reasonable conversation with another human being.

Sort of.

Probably.

All of your doubtful looks are NOT helping!

I take a deep breath and raise my hand to finally knock on the-

The sound of my phone buzzing with a text makes me jump in surprise. I grab my phone out my pocket and look down at the screen. It's Jacob.

Well, now I'm just confuzzled.

I open up the text and read,

**Are you planning on knocking any time soon, because I'm starting to get bored just leaning against the door and waiting for you to knock?**

Jay's words make me blush in embarrassment. The dastardly fiend.

I text back,

**Why didn't you just open the door if you knew I was here?**

**I saw you doing bunny hops on the spot and muttering to yourself, so I figured you needed some alone time.**

**Good call. But you're still madness personified.**

**Says the one wearing a t-shirt that reads '** **_When I grow up, I want to be a turtle_ ** **'.**

**Do not disrespect the t-shirt, Jay.**

**I would never do such a heinous thing.**

**The emotron 5000 brought it back for me from Phoenix.**

**I like turtles.**

**Who doesn't?**

**Awful turtle haters, that's who.**

**I don't want to meet those people.**

**No one does….so Bella actually did something...sisterly?**

**Yeah, it's pretty much the nicest thing she's ever done for me. I thought maybe it was laced with poison or something. I forced her to wear the t-shirt first just to make sure.**

**I would have done the same. Wait, hold on, Bella boo went to Phoenix.**

**Yep, I shipped her off when she stopped pretending to have a life.**

**Woah, Bella was pretending to have a life? Since when? How? Why?**

**Long story.**

**How long?**

**Like, way,** **_way_ ** **long.**

**...hhhmmm.**

**Ok, not that long, but it's Bella.**

**Yeah, all stories about your sister seem long and boring, even if they aren't.**

**I know, right. Did Coda finish his one man re-enactment of 'Up'?**

**He did. A lot of balloons died that day.**

**Was it spectacular?**

**As always, yes.**

**Excellent! I wish I could have seen it.**

**It's been a couple of weeks and we've both already missed so much.**

**Yeah, this whole you and me not talking thing really isn't working out.**

**Agreed, we should never stop talking again.**

**One question.**

**Yeah?**

**Why are we still texting when we're only one door away from each other?**

**I have no idea.**

**Then OPEN THE DOOR!**

Jay does open the door then, and the sight of that warm expression on his handsome face makes my heart feel like it might burst out of my chest. I pretty much throw myself at him. Jay catches me in his strong arms, I'd forgotten how big they were, Jesus Christ.

I can feel the heat emanating off of him as he holds me close. His skin is so hot that it burns a little bit to touch. I can't help but grin like a moron and hold him even tighter though. It's so amazing to have him back. Even if it's only been a few weeks.

Despite all the confusion and questions between us, I feel completely comfortable with Jay. I always have, since the moment we met as children. Jay is my place of solace. He is the constant sun that never fails to shine a light on the shadows in the corners of my mind. How could I ever have thought of giving him up? At this point, I'm not sure I'd ever be truly happy without Jay in my life.

"I've missed you so much." I whisper in Jay's ear.

Jay tightens his grip around me and I sigh in contentment. He smells like pine trees and peppermint shampoo. The scent is so familiar to my senses that I immediately take a deep breathe, filling nose with the smell of pure Jacob.

"You have no idea..." Jay trails off with a shuddering breathe against my skin.

We stay like that for a long time, neither of us saying anything. We don't need to. I can feel how afraid he was of losing me. Almost as afraid as I was of losing him.

I can admit it to myself now. For the last few weeks I've been terrified of coming here. To this cottage. Jay's home. A place so beautiful in its simplicity and warmth. It brought me peace, even when I thought my heart would rip itself to shreds after Edward left me. Jay offered me his friendship, his loyalty, his warmth, and his seemingly never ending kindness.

I couldn't stand the thought of losing this place. Of losing Jay. My Jay. He's just too important. He **_matters_** too much to me.

For most of my life I've been forced to deal with my own pain alone. Either because it was too difficult to share the burden, or because no one else wanted to help me. Being with Jay was like letting all of that bitterness and pain from before go. Nothing else could touch me, no shadows or memories, as long as I had Jay at my side.

Jay is like my very own lighthouse. He shows me a safe way back to land. He helps me avoid crashing on the rocks. He gives me hope in the darkness, a place to head for even when I'm lost in a sea of my own despair.

When Jay and I finally pull away from each other, I realise that there are tears in my eyes. I almost feel stupid for having such a reaction to just a hug, but the look on Jay's face forbids me from feeling anything but elation. I want to stare at him all day. I want to listen to him talk and watch the way emotions seem to flitter through his dark eyes.

Jay cups my face with gentle hands, although his skin his rough from working in the auto shop. He brushes my tears away with his thumbs, and I feel that intimate touch all the way down to my bones. Jay's eyes are shining with emotion. Relief and unbridled joy. It makes me want to laugh dementedly, and sing, very off key, and dance around like a lunatic. More so than the usual lunacy I mean, of course.

"I kind of love you, you know." I tell him in a whisper.

Jay lets his thumb slide over my bottom lip, whilst his other hand grips my hip and pulls me closer. My chest touches his, and I can feel his warm breathe on my face.

"Is that why you keep staring at me all creepy-like?" Jay asks, and there's a quirk of amusement to his lips now.

"You _ruined_ the moment just then." I accuse, and smack his chest. It's like hitting Captain America's shield or some shit.

Jay grins at me and shrugs one shoulder,

"I am a moment ruiner."

"Yeah, big time. I take it back, maybe I haven't missed you at all." I mutter, pretending to look really annoyed.

Jay laughs, and it's one of those laughs that rumbles all the way through his big body. I can feel the vibration of it against my chest.

"Liar. You missed me and my face." Jay says teasingly.

I mock glare at him and reply stiffly,

"I am mad at you. Very, very mad."

Jay gives me a considering look and then says,

"You're _always_ mad at me."

True dat. True dat.

I poke him. Hard.

"I was trying to have an incredibly meaningful and heart wrenching moment with you, and all you could do was call me creepy."

"You are creepy." Jay wiggles his fingers near my face, "It's all in the eyes."

I gasp dramatically at him.

"I am so deeply offended right now. Like seriously, you cannot know the deepness of my offendatude for those blasphemous words that just came out of your face hole."

Jay raises an eyebrow in serious concern and says,

"Ok, first of all, I don't think you know what blasphemous means-"

"-I know what I mean God damn you!-"

"- _Secondly_ , you **are** creepy. I bet you secretly wish you could sneak in through my bedroom window and watch me sleep, don't you?" Jay smirks, his expression wickedly amused.

I gape openly at Jay, taking a step back and throwing my arms up in the air. I point at Jay threateningly,

"Are you comparing me to J _pingpong_ P right now?! How dare you, I will have your head for this! There's no way I could ever compete with the epic creep factor of John-Paul Cullen, thank you very much."

Jay leans against the wall and crosses his arms. He looks me up and down, his eyes narrowed.

"Lies. All of it. You secretly want to do all kinds of stalkery things to me, I just know it."

I scoff at him,

"I would never lie to you about such things, Sir."

Jay's face suddenly turns hard and determined and without any build up at all he blurts out,

"I'm a wolf shifter."

A what-the-fuck-now?

This is a joke. It has to be a joke.

Jay is staring at me. He looks nervous. His eyes are completely sombre. So, ok, not a joke then.

"I don't feel like you thought that confession through, Jay. Do you wanna give me some back story first, huh? Or at least a lead up sentence."

I'm at a loss for what else to say to be honest. I mean what is the correct response to that?

Jay winces so hard that it looks painful. Then he steps forward and tells me everything.

Conclusion: My life could not get any weirder.

….

"Are you sure it's alright for me to come with you?" I ask, reaching over to grab onto Jay's arm.

Jay shrugs, but his expression is blank, guarded. He doesn't really want to be here, and I can't really blame him. This is whole thing is a bit mental.

After Jay explained everything about him being a wolf shifter (I mean wow) and how he saved me from Robbie Williams, he also asked me if I wanted to come with him to a 'pack meeting'. Way weird yo.

I tried to find it in myself to be freaked out by Jay's revelation, but honestly all I could feel was relief. At least now I know what that giant wolf thingy was. And that it's not the giant wolf thingies killing hikers.

It also makes sense now why I felt such a connection to that big wolf. It was Jay. I knew I recognised those kind eyes of his. Even in wolf form he looks more approachable than most humans ever could.

We still haven't talked about Edward. Or our relationship. Or anything even remotely based around those two areas of conversation. But I figure the whole shifter meeting thing can take precedent for now, and we'll get back to the complicated important shit later.

For now it just feels amazing to be around Jay again.

I wish I could see Coda too, I've missed that little boy more than words could possibly describe, but apparently he's 'out with Edward'. I almost asked about Ward when Jay said that, but at the last second I pushed the question away. I didn't want to get into it with Jay just then, not when we'd only gotten back onto level ground again.

Apparently the 'pack meeting' is taking place in the middle of the fucking enchanted forest. Like a cult. A furry cult.

When the other wolf shifter's finally decide to show up, they aren't exactly what I thought they'd be. I thought they might reveal themselves as giant wolf thingies. I'm kind of disappointed actually.

Instead there are just four pumped up, almost naked men. And now, don't get me wrong, I'm in no way averse to looking at buff men walking around half naked. I can appreciate a chiselled body like anyone else. But still. I want to see some fur on these mofos!

They all look strangely related. But not really. Similar, yet not completely. Kind of like the Cullens. Not that I'll be telling this lot that any time soon. I think the comparison would make Jacob laugh though so I take note of the observation to tell him about later.

It's a bit odd how they seem to move together in a way that seems almost practised. They also all have the same bulging muscles, cropped black hair and jean shorts. Is it like a uniform? Can I ask that without getting my head ripped off by Growly and his crew of tramps?

I mean tramps as in 'Lady and the Tramp', not 'tramp' as in a hooker. Although, then again, this lot could just as easily be a gaggle of male hustlers. Or porn stars.

Pah, Jacobs porn star name is Rover Wood. We looked it up months ago on Google. My internet history must look fucking insane by now. I googled 'duck hats' the other day. There's a website where you can buy hats that looks like ducks, and another website where you can get hats **_for_** ducks. I think we all know which website we'd choose in that situation.

I feel Jacob's body tense, and my mind comes back from looney land. All the rent boys in the house look majorly pis ** _say_** that I'm crashing their jean shorts convention. I lift a hand and wave at them enthusiastically.

Jay snorts out a laugh, but clearly tries to hide it. He grabs hold of my wrist and slowly lowers my arm with looking back at me. His eyes are trained on one person in particular. The lead singer of One Wolfection. Growly a.k.a Sam.

Growly is the fattest wolf, although Jacob is getting pretty massive too. Growly is definitely the oldest though. His face looks more mature and boring. Not that old people are boring, obviously, but Growly has the 'grumpy old man' thing down, even though there are no lines on his face. He also doesn't have a cane to wave at people.

I should get him a cane. I have one at home named Maureen.

"What have you done, Jacob?" Growly asks Jay, his voice level and calm, but with an underlying tension running through it.

Before Jay can respond, another one of the infamous fluffy hustlers, Paul? Peter? Polly?, strides forward and yells at Jay,

"Why can't you just follow the rules, Jacob?" He throws his arms in the air dramatically. Like way dramatically. I'm almost impressed. "What the hell are you thinking? It's bad enough that you've refused to communicate with us since this whole thing started. Now you're betraying our secrets to some random girl just because you want to get into her pants."

Oh, wow. I can't even be offended because that diva fit he just threw was off the chain awesome!

Jacob doesn't seem to think so though, and he takes a step forward, his eyes blaze with anger,

"Don't you dare talk about Ever like that. Next time you insult her, I'll kick your ass."

The very real threat in Jay's tone makes me shiver. I never knew Jay could be scary like that.

Unfortunately Polly does not take the hint, and instead spits out in a rage,

"That little bitch is a leech lover! She can't be trusted."

" _Do not disrespect my girlfriend like that_." Jacob growls. Although this time his tone holds something more commanding. He doesn't sound angry anymore. He just sounds completely in control. It's far more frightening than if he'd shouted.

Polly's body appears to ripple slightly and he immediately backs right down. Hmmm, weird.

I get stuck on the whole 'my girlfriend' bit for a second, you know, because I really suck like that. But then I'm distracted again when Growly commands,

"Paul, calm the hell down."

Polly shakes his head, looking oddly confused, probably wondering why Growly is calling him by the wrong name.

"Fucking hell, Paul, get a grip," one of the other fluffy rent boys says. I think his name is Jarvis? Jarred? Jabberwocky? I don't know, it begins with a 'J' anyway. Who really cares? That's right, no one.

Polly's lips curl up and sneers at me. Jay instinctively moves his body to cover mine from any attacks. That seems to light the fire in Polly again.

"Oh, yeah, protect your precious _girlfriend_." Polly roars in indignation. Another shudder, a convulsion, courses through his body. He throws his head back, an actual snarl ripping out from between his teeth.

"Paul!" Growly and Jay both shout in warning.

Polly practically flops forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground, I hear a loud ripping noise, and the shithead explodes. Diva to the max here folks.

Dark silver fur bursts free from Polly's skin. He morphs into a shape that is so freakin' massive that I actually take a step back in awe. This is so wicked cool. I will have to inform Edward that he is by far the less epic supernatural creature. Unless he can actually turn into a bat and he's been lying to be this whole time.

It wouldn't put it past him. He knows I would mock him until the ends of the earth.

The wolf's muzzle wrinkles back over his teeth, and another growl rolls through his gigantic chest. His dark, enraged eyes are focused on me.

Great. Because I said so many words just then to deserve his ire.

In the same second, Jay runs full pelt across the clearing to attack Polly in fluffy form.

"Jay!" I shout at him, "You lunatic!"

Mid-stride, a long tremor shivered down Jacob's spine. He leaps forward, diving headfirst into the empty air.

With another sharp tearing sound, Jacob explodes, too. He bursts out of his skin. It happens so quickly that if I'd blinked, I might have missed the entire transformation. One moment it was Jacob diving into the air, and then it was the gigantic, chestnut-haired wolf. He's even bigger than I remember. And far more magnificent too.

Jay meets Polly head on. Their pissed off snarls echo like thunder in the sparse clearing.

"Kick his ass Jay! You are Boss at this wolf thing!" I yell over the fighting and growling going on a short distance away from me.

Growly gives me a look then. It's not a good look either.

"You are not helping." He says.

I make a face right back at him,

"I'm not trying to help. I'm supporting my guy." I point at Jay, who at this point is biting into Polly's neck. Right, good, go for the jugular.

Growly rolls his eyes, but I ignore him. My attention is being held by Jay and Polly as they fight to the death. Not literally of course.

I don't think so anyway.

It's clear that Jay has pretty epic fighting skills. He's completely dominating Polly. I know it shouldn't be hot….

…but it kind of really is. There's something wrong with me.

Apart from the obvious I mean.

"Take her to Emily's." Growly says to Jabberwocky.

I assume Growly means me even though he's not actually looking at me. So _rude_. That's it, I'm not giving him Maureen anymore. He can get his own stick.

Jabberwocky and a boy I recognise as Embry both come striding over to me. I'm really reluctant to leave Jay here. But he looks like he's got things covered, and Growly does not seem like he would take my refusal very well at all.

I take one last look at Jay and then allow myself to be led back to the road by Embry, who I have decided to rename Elmo, and the bigger wolf, Jabberwocky.

I give Jabberwocky the keys to Jay's truck and we all climb in. I'm waiting for one of them to say something, since we've all entered into a game of 'who can stop themselves from taking the piss for the longest'.

Of course, I lose. What? I have faults, deal with it.

"Do your _short shorts_ conventions always end that way?" I ask.

Elmo and Jabberwocky exchange glances, but instead of looking annoyed like I thought, they appear amused.

Elmo nudges my arm and says,

"Only when Paul gets a bug up his ass about something."

"Which, by the way, is always." Jabberwocky adds with a grin.

Another pang of worry hits my heart. If Polly really does hurt Jay then I will be forced to assassinate him with Kevin 2.0.

"Where are you boys kidnapping me off to then?" I ask.

"Emily's house," Elmo tells me, "She's Sam's girlfriend…well, fiancé now I guess. Jake and Paul will meet us there later."

"After they've finished having their bitch fight you mean?" I clarify.

Elmo bursts out laughing, his whole muscled frame shakes.

"Yeah, you could call it that."

"I'll be letting your _boyfriend_ know exactly what you thought of him defending your honour." Jabberwocky says. I don't miss the emphasis on 'boyfriend'. He makes it sound like a pointed question.

Elmo peers at me curiously and I struggle not to shift around in my seat uncomfortably,

"Are you Jake's girlfriend?" he asks sceptically.

I have no idea how to answer that question. On the one hand, Jay literally told his whole 'pack' that I was his girlfriend, so that must mean something. But on the other hand, Jay and I haven't actually talked about our relationship since everything went down with Edward.

I also haven't told Jay about me sleeping with Ward. I can only hope that Ward didn't take it upon himself to tell Jay. I can't imagine Jay being this open towards me if he knew.

"Why, are you jealous?" I reply to Elmo, attempting to defuse the situation with humour. "I know Jay is hot, but I don't think you're his type."

Although that's another point. Edward kissed Jay, and according to Ward, Jay kissed him back. I should probably start by asking Jay if he really did kiss Ward, and if that means something about his sexuality.

I'm the last person to think labelling yourself is a good idea. After all, I was labelled by everyone else in my life. A freak. A mentally ill girl. A psycho. A slut. A criminal. A victim.

That last one was always the label I hated the most. Being a victim means you're weak, or at least that's what I thought back then.

I don't want to push Jay in any direction regarding his sexuality. Jay exploring his sexuality through Edward freaks me out a bit though. I mean, of all the people in the world, why him? Logically, it makes zero sense. What do they even talk about?

 _Maybe they don't talk_. The thought is just a whisper in the back of my head. But I know that it isn't true. Neither Ward nor Jay would compromise everything in their lives, including their relationships with me, based just on lust alone.

They could never be that selfish. Or that stupid.

"We didn't figure Jake had a type," Jabberwocky says suddenly.

Elmo nods along in agreement,

"Yeah, we figured he was one of those asexual people. Like a plant."

I'm sort of surprised that they even know what 'asexual' means. Although I think anyone who identifies as asexual might not be thrilled that they're being described as ' _like a plant'_.

"Why did you think that?" I ask, although I think I already know.

Before me, Jay had almost completely shut himself off from the world. He didn't really talk to anyone but his son, his Dad and Charlie.

Elmo leans forward in his seat and says thoughtfully,

"He never talked about girls. He didn't seem to notice them. Not like ** _that_** anyway. Even with Coda's Mom, he didn't seem all that interested."

My heart hurts at the thought of Coda's Mom. Dalia. She was just a kid. They both were. I can only imagine how scared they both must have been. Part of me wishes I could have been there to help them, especially Jay when he was trying to raise a baby all by himself.

Elmo continues,

"Then, after Coda was born, he changed. It wasn't just girls anymore. He didn't want to be around anyone. Before all this started, we thought he hated us or something. Like he blamed us for what happened to Dalia."

I open my mouth to tell that Jay could never hate anyone, and if anything, he blames himself for Dalia's death. I see him carry around that guilt like a chain around his neck. I see it in the way he looks at Coda sometimes, with that sad shine to his eyes. I wish more than anything that I could take that guilt and self-hatred away.

But it's not up to me. No matter what I do, Jay will still have to forgive himself first before he can move forward. That's just about the only useful thing I learnt in therapy.

Always fix yourself first, before you even attempt to fix someone else. That's what my Doctors used to say. I hated them for it at the time, but these days I'm starting to see what they meant.

I stop myself from saying all that though, and instead I settle for,

"Jay is an incredible father." Because that is one thing I know to be true.

Before Elmo or Jabberwocky can continue with this line of conversation, I ask,

"Does Emily know about the whole…furry thing?"

Yeah." Elmo says, then his expression turns more grim and he adds, "And..just… don't stare, ok? It pisses Sam off."

Oh, and lord knows we wouldn't want Growly to get his jean shorts in a wad.

"Of course I won't stare. That's rude. I was raised properly thank you very much." I say, giving Elmo a disapproving stare.

Elmo laughs at that. Jabberwocky pulls Jay's truck to a stop outside a old logged house.

"You're not so bad for a leech lover, Ever." Elmo says, grinning at me.

I meet his grin with one of my own,

"You're not so bad for a fluffy jean shorts enthusiast."

Jabberwocky gives me a 'what the actual fuck' stare and says,

"I don't even want to know what that means inside your crazy brain."

I arch an eyebrow at him,

"Coward."

Not everyone can handle the mind of a unicorn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for reading, please comment! xxx
> 
> A/N-So, the kitten is out of the smarties bag about Jacob being a wolf shifter. Next chapter: Edward, Jay and Ever showdown! Or emotional cry fest. Maybe a mixture of the two? We shall see. ;) x


	14. Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MUFFINS! SNARK! MORE MUFFINS!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own New Moon. At all. Like, not even a teensy tiny bit. I promise.

When we finally arrive at Growly's house, I suddenly feel nervous about meeting his 'fiancé'. I have no idea why. Maybe it's just the concept of meeting someone else, someone **_human_** , who deals with all of this supernatural bullshit on a regular basis. Even after almost two years I still feel like a bit of an amateur.

Jabberwocky and Elmo flank me as we walk up to the entrance of the classic cabin. Elmo gives me a suggestive smirk and I reach over to smack his head warningly.

"Behave, Elmo." I scold him.

Elmo rubs the back of his head, looking disgruntled and muttering ' _Elmo_?' over and over again in obvious confusion. I make no move to explain my nicknaming skills. Jabberwocky hides a snicker behind his rather large hand.

Jabberwocky opens the front door and steps aside to let me enter the lair of Growly-and-future-fluffy-lover-spouse.

"Crazy ladies first." Jabberwocky says, heavy amusement in his voice.

I narrow my eyes at him and poke his hard chest. I rise up onto my toes so that I can look him in the eye.

"I'm watching you, Jabberwocky. Don't make me go all Alice and sword on your ass."

Jabberwocky looks genuinely perplexed at that, but I don't have time for his nonsense, so I stride into the cabin, leaving behind two confused fluffy things in my wake.

I like the cabin. It's a nice place. Very rustic and simple. It reminds me a lot of Billy's home. The kitchen is a rather prominent feature.

A very pretty youngish woman is standing by the kitchen counter faffing about with muffins. All I can think about when I look at them is Edward. Damn him.

"Are you guys hungry?" The woman asks, and she turns to look at us with a big smile on her face.

I'm so caught off guard by the muffins that I barely even register the three red lined scar on the woman's face. I've seen enough scars in my lifetime to have gotten used to the sight of them.

I point at the muffins and blurt out,

"Muffins do _not_ come in halves!"

Ok. That seriously wasn't what was meant to come out of my face just then. I swear.

Me: Brain, why do you plot against me?

Brain: Because it's fun.

Me: You're mean.

Brain: Mwahahahaha! MUFFINS!

Me: I hate you.

Brain: MUFFINS MUFFINS MUFFINS! FA LA LA LA! MUFFINS ARE A GIRLS BEST FRIEND! NA NA NA NA!

Me: Ugh.

Growly's fiancé looks very surprised by my outburst, but she very politely continues to smile at the mental patient currently having a melt down inside her home a.k.a _me acting like even more of a weirdo than usual._

Elmo ups the weirdo ante a bit by saying,

"Of course muffins don't come in halves. What kind of fiend would say something so ridiculous?"

Um, a fang boy.

I turn to look at Elmo as he comes to stand beside me. Elmo raises an eyebrow at me and I will something even semi-normal to come out of my stupid mouth.

"Muffins!" I say, throwing up my hands.

Yeah. Ok. I'll just go back outside now. Maybe even beat my head against a wall or something else productive.

"Who is this?" The Muffins lady asks, still sounding quite pleasant despite my obvious deterring mental state.

"Ever Swan." Jabberwocky says. He's giving me a look like he isn't sure _what_ planet I originate from but he knows for sure it isn't the same one _he_ was born on.

"You know _Ever Swan_ ," Elmo says, nudging my side, "The girlfriend of our resident hermit."

"Jay is not a hermit," I feel the irrational need to defend Jay. Even though Elmo is completely right as Jay very much ** _is_** a hermit. But he's my hermit, so there.

"Ah, right," The Muffin lady murmurs. She's still smiling at me. Maybe she's the weird one in all this. Muffin lady adds, "I've heard how…. _eccentric_ you are."

Well that sounds pretty ominous. Although I've been called far worse things.

I force myself to grin at her and say,

"Well I'm no jean shorts lovin' fluffy thingy, but I do alright."

Muffin laughs at that, as do Jabberwocky and Elmo. Jesus, clearly I've found myself the right crowd.

"I see what Billy meant now," Muffin says, eyeing my knowingly, her voice warm.

That could almost literally mean anything. I'm not sure I want to know how Billy would describe me to other people. I have a feeling the phrase 'she likes a bit of fang' would most likely come up at some point.

"Where's Sam?" Muffin asks the two remaining members of the Backwood boys.

"Polly got his jean short knickers in a twist so Jay had to Alpha him into the dirt for a while." I explain.

Muffin looks confused.

"Paul went postal on Jake." Elmo translates awkwardly.

Muffin sighs heavily,

"Ah, Paul."

Who is this ' _Paul'_ they speak of?

"Do you think they'll be long? I was just about to start the eggs." Muffin asks with a small frown.

"Ah, who cares about them?" Elmo waves a dismissive hand, "They only ever dumb down our conversations anyway."

"Whilst you're all sophistication and class," I say, arching an eyebrow at Elmo. He kind of reminds me of Beany. Perhaps an introduction is in order.

Elmo smiles gamely at me,

"I was meant for greater things than this kind of life, Cookie."

Did he just call me Cookie? As in the Cookie monster?

Elmo and the Cookie monster.

I approve. I approve mightily.

"What is 'this life'?" I ask curiously.

Elmo shrugs one shoulder and says,

"The fluffy kind of life."

I stare at him for a few seconds, considering.

"Wolves are definitely better than vampires. But I still prefer mouse Ninjas." I say finally.

Elmo gives me a serious nod in approval. He holds out his hand to me and says decisively,

"We should be friends."

I look at his outstretched hand for a good few seconds before taking it. We shake once.

"Agreed." I say.

Yes! New friend! I am on a serious roll today.

I realise belatedly that both Muffin and Jabberwocky are watching us. They both look slightly disturbed.

Good.

It's always good to disturb someone at least once a week I find. Keeps all the bad juju away.

"What are they doing?" Muffin stage whispers to Jabberwocky.

Jabberwocky is having a major frown-a-thon moment with himself.

"Weirdo flirting?" He guesses, making a face at Muffin.

"We can hear you, butthead," Elmo says, sounding unimpressed.

Jabberwocky smirks at him,

"That's kind of the point."

Muffin interjects before the fluffy mobiles can get snarly with each other. I would hate to see them argue over who has the most impressive collection of jean shorts.

"Ever, are you hungry? Feel free to have a muffin." Growly's fiancé gestures towards the plate of muffins on the table.

"Ah, Em, don't bring up the muffins." Jabberwocky groans, giving me a sideways look, "She might start pointing again."

I mentally murder him for a few seconds.

Muffin frowns sadly at me and says,

"Do you not like muffins?"

Ah, how to explain the complexities of cake orientated break ups. I blame Beany for all of this.

I smile at her reassuringly,

"Oh, no, I like muffins. I just can't eat them at the moment."

 _You filled yourself with a big hunk of muffin on Friday night_ , Beany's voice whispers inside my head. Or maybe it's my conscience. Fuck, if Beany is actually my conscience then we're all doomed. The other day Beany told me that if he'd been Harry potter he would have taken his invisibility cloak and let Voldemort win. ' _Fuck the muggles and mudbloods'_ , he said, ' _I'd be off to Reno to become a professional wizard Bank robber'_.

That is not a man you want controlling your good and bad impulses.

"But if you like them then why can't you eat them?" Muffin asks me, seeming concerned for whatever reason, "Are you allergic?"

I shake my head and say,

"No, I'm not allergic. It's just that my boyfriend was a muffin. And we broke up so…now I can't eat muffins."

"Your… _boyfriend_ was a **_muffin_** …" Jabberwocky says very slowly. Muffin just stares at me. Elmo is too busy stuffing his face with Edwa- _muffins_. He eats them whole like a giant fluffy snake.

I wave a hand at Muffin and Jabberwocky,

"It's complicated." I say.

Jabberwocky and Muffin both seem to accept that. Sort of. Jabberwocky sits down at the table next to Elmo and I follow suit.

"I thought your ex was a vampire." Elmo says to me through a mouthful of muffin.

I say dryly,

"He was a vampire and a muffin."

"Like a Halloween muffin," Elmo replies whilst nodding as if in understanding.

Jabberwocky narrows his eyes at Elmo.

"You're an idiot." Jabberwocky eventually exclaims.

They then start bickering over the validity of muffin species.

I look forlornly at the muffins. They look really good.

Edward ruined muffins for me. The bastard.

I actually take out my phone then and text him for the first time in almost a year, unable to help myself,

**You ruined muffins!**

After a few tense seconds I get a reply,

**Ever?**

I scowl at that,

**No it's the Easter chicken! Yes, of course it's Ever. Who the hell else texts you about muffins?**

Jay? That thought almost makes me cringe.

"Who are you texting?" Elmo asks me.

"A bastard." I tell him without looking up from my phone.

Elmo eats another muffin and doesn't ask for further details. I appreciate that in a friend. Beany might have competition. I'll have to inform him later so he can prepare to battle for my hand in holy best friendship.

Edward replies,

**Easter chicken? I'm pretty sure you mean Easter bunny. And no one texts me about muffins.**

**I know what I meant batboy! The Easter chicken is real and sacred. It's sad that no one texts you about muffins.**

**There is no Easter chicken. I checked. I Googled that shit and everything. I don't want to text about muffins.**

**YOU LIAR! Why must you crush all of my dreams? Don't bring that non-believer GOOGLE into it! Why don't you want to text about muffins?**

**I am not a liar. Don't speak about Google that way, he's very sensitive. I have no interest in muffin halves.**

Oh, I hate him.

**THERE. ARE. NO. MUFFIN. HALVES. ALL MUFFINS ARE WHOLE GOD DAMN YOU!**

Edward sends me a picture of two muffin halves along with the message,

**Your mind. Blown.**

I put the phone back into my pocket before I can throw it across the room.

….

Not long after my text conversation/bickerfest with Edward, the rest of the fluffy things arrived at the cabin. Jay spent the whole time looking extremely uncomfortable, something I know for sure was picked up on by everyone else. I took his hand at one point, not liking the constant tension in his large body. Jay didn't let go of my hand until we left.

Jay told his 'pack' about the lost Weasley and her vendetta against me and Bella. The jean shorts gang have set up a protection plan. They're intent on defending Forks and its human occupants, myself included. I know Jay isn't happy about getting involved with the other wolves, but he won't risk my safety or Bella's by refusing to join them.

Jay took me back to Charlie's house after the fluffy meeting and we made plans for Monday. Today.

It's spring break so I'm free as a bird.

Apparently Jay thinks we should talk. And by 'we' he means the three of us: Me, Jay and Ward.

I've never felt so conflicted about an impending conversation in all my life. Part of me is dreading it completely, but another part of me is just excited to see both Jay and Ward. I've missed them so much. Just being with them and having those two men be a part of my life.

I know the wolf boys are keeping an extra close eye on me. I debated on whether to actually tell Bella about the wolves. In the end I asked Billy if he would do it. I wasn't sure how to explain the whole situation to my sister. She's been acting even more distant than usual, and I don't know how to reach out to her anymore.

Predictably Bella bop was pissed about the whole werewolf thing, and when I tried to talk to her she just glared daggers at me and then stormed off in a huff.

So, business as usual then.

I decided to kidnap one of my protectors today. Elmo.

Beany and I are supposed to be meeting up for tea, and by tea I mean ice cream, so I figured I'd drag my new friend along as well. If only so they can entertain each other whilst I brood about what will happen at Jay's house later on tonight.

I knock on Beany's door, and he answers almost instantly. His smile dies just a little though when he sees Elmo.

Beany looks amazed. And stunned. And edgy.

Elmo suddenly looks nervous. And confused. And captivated.

It's a really weird moment.

For all of us I like to think.

"Ummmm," I sort of say.

They're staring at each other.

A lot.

"Beany, this is Elmo." I point from Beany to Elmo and then vice versa, "And Elmo, this is Beany."

They're _still_ staring at each other.

Should I….leave?

Finally, they speak.

"Hi…uh...hi," Elmo lifts his hand in an almost bashful wave, "I'm Embry."

"Um….I'm Eric," Beany stumbles over his words in a way I've never heard him do before. "Sup?"

I can almost feel Beany internally cringe.

I decide to save Beany. There's no way I can watch this train wreck of a moment go on.

"Hey Beany, you better not be letting ice cream melt in there," I say moving forward to place myself between my two weird friends. "I _will_ have you arrested."

Beany blinks rapidly for a few seconds, and then seemingly forces himself to focus on me properly. I'd almost feel offended if it wasn't for the fact that I have no idea what the frak is going on here.

"Don't worry your precious panties off," Beany says, his voice sounding slightly more like normal. "Hurry up and come in before my neighbours start gawking at us again."

"Well I would if you weren't in the _father effing_ _way_." I flick at his fringe.

We recently dyed Beany's hair white blond, and I think it suits him. With his hazel-gold eyes and Asian features, the blond hair just makes Beany look even more exotic. If I was a gay guy, I'd completely be into him.

And if I weren't also in love with two other non-human men.

Who might also have feelings for each other as well.

GAH! I'm confusing myself again!

Beany rolls his eyes at me and moves out of the doorway so that I can come inside. I flash Beany a grin that I hope is somewhat reassuring. I also grab hold of Elmo's wrist and drag him in after me. I notice that he is still very much staring at my best friend. He somehow manages to look both dazed and completely focused on Beany at the same time.

I think the only word that could rightly describe what's going on is 'peculiar'. Or 'peculiar as fuck' for the less cultured of us out there, like me.

I try not to analyse it too much. Maybe Elmo just thinks Beany is hot. I wasn't aware that Elmo swung that way. But then again, I wasn't aware that he didn't swing that way either. Sexuality isn't usually something I interrogate new friends about.

We go on through to the living room and I sit down on the sofa in my usual spot. I wait to see what Beany and Elmo will do.

After a tense few moments, Beany comes to sit down next to me in his usual place. Elmo takes that as his cue and sits himself down in a chair next to the sofa.

Before they can start gazing at each other again like two lovesick twelve year olds, I say,

"So, I have called you both here today to discuss a very important issue."

That sort of gets their attention. Elmo actually looks at me for the first time since we got here. I call that progress.

Beany brings his legs up onto the sofa and crosses them. He raises an eyebrow at me and says,

"What important issue? Is it about your wedding to Stud muffin, or your torrid affair with Hot fudge cake?"

"Who's Stud muffin?" Elmo asks, he sits forward with an interested look on his face.

Beany sounds less nervous this time when he speaks to Elmo.

"Stud muffin is the pale and mighty Edward Cullen. Otherwise known as Sid's future husband."

"Who's Sid?" Elmo looks at me, "I thought Edward Cullen was your boyfriend. Is he engaged to someone else? Is that why you two broke up? I thought it was over a muffin thing."

I know I'm gaping helplessly, but I'm not sure what to say. Thankfully Beany takes the responsibility of replying away from me.

"No, no, Sid is what I call Ever." Beany explains, his gaze intent on Elmo's.

Elmo's attention is now completely back on Beany. He watches him like he's taking in every single detail and feature of my best friend. I haven't ever seen someone look at another person quite that way.

"Why do you call Ever 'Sid'?" Elmo asks, sounding genuinely interested in the answer.

Beany's mouth pulls up at the side into a half smile,

"Because when I first met Ever, she pretended her name was Sidney and convinced me that she wasn't the new girl and had actually always been a student at my high school."

Elmo barks out a laugh,

"That sounds like something you would do," He smiles at me.

I place a hand over my heart and nod,

"I am a comedic genius."

"Or just a raving lunatic," Beany mutters behind his hand.

"Oh, you want to start something fairy princess? Bring it on!" I smack Beany with a pillow.

Beany laughs and takes the pillow away from me. Or tries to. I hold on fast and hard.

"I am not a fairy princess! Let go of the God damn pillow Sid!" Beany tugs on the pillow.

I refuse to give up my weapon.

Beany practically clambers on top of me, still trying to yank the pillow out of my hands. I hug the pillow to my chest and hiss at Beany like a kitty.

"Stop molesting Phillip!" I shout at Beany.

"Give me the pillow Sid! Give me Phillip!" Beany yells back at me.

"Never you swine!" I curl up into a ball.

We're almost falling off the sofa as we fight over Phillip the pillow. I'm not even sure what's going on anymore, but I know I'm not giving up this fucking pillow unless someone kills me.

"You're being ridiculous!" Beany tries to bite my fingers so I'll loosen my grip. "We're way too old to fight over a pillow!"

"Then stop being a doucheclock and leave Phillip alone!" I curl up even tighter, folding the pillow into me.

Distantly I hear someone clear their throat, and that's when I remember that Beany and I have an audience. Damn it.

"You're frightening Elmo," I tell Beany.

That actually causes Beany to freeze, as if he's just remembered Elmo's presence at well. Beany stops fighting me for the pillow and turns around from his place on top of me to look at Elmo.

Elmo looks completely bemused.

Beany lifts a hand and waves pathetically at Elmo,

"Um…hi." He says shyly.

Elmo actually grins at Beany then, and I swear I see a spark of _something_ in his eyes. I'm not sure exactly what that something actually **_is_** , but still. It's definitely there.

Once the whole pillow debacle is cleared up, we all settle back into our seats. I let Beany and Elmo do most of the talking. Elmo always struck me as a rather shy person, but he appears quite animated when talking to Beany.

When I leave to go to Jay's later on in the evening, Beany gives me a long hug and tells me to let him know what happens after my 'talk' with Jay and Ward.

Elmo ends up staying at Beany's when I go, and secretly I'm glad because it means now Beany will have someone to watch over him. I wouldn't put it past the lost Weasley to attack my friend just to get to me.

On my way over to Jay's I feel my nerves attack my insides viciously. So many questions fill my mind, and I find it hard to concentrate on anything else.

What if Jay and Ward aren't willing to give up what they have?

What **_do_** they actually have between them? I still don't understand it.

Are they going to ask me to choose between them?

Do either of them even want to be with me anymore?

Have I got a right to be angry after everything? I was the one who turned Edward away in the first place. I was also the one who slept with Ward whilst I was still technically with Jay.

We've all made mistakes in this, and I don't want to fight with them over who fucked up the most. But I also have no idea how we're going to resolve any of this mess without someone getting hurt.

**Jacob's P.O.V**

"Stop panicking." Edward wraps a hand around the back of my neck and shakes me a little.

I let out a frustrated sound and say,

"I'm not panicking."

"Everything will be fine, baby." Edward whispers into my ear, his soft lips brushing my skin, causing pulses of something electric to travel down through my body.

"Don't call me that!" I growl at him.

Edward smirks at me. The prick. He called me 'baby' once by accident and I hated it so much that now Edward calls me it all the time.

He's so annoying.

Edward squeezes my neck again and I find myself leaning into him without meaning to. He lets his lips skate along my jaw and I have to contain a shiver.

"Fine, ok, I'm panicking," I admit gruffly. I press my forehead against the side of his and try to think of a way to explain the crazy mishmash of emotions buzzing around inside my stupid head. "There are just so many ways this could go wrong."

What makes it worse is that I don't even really know what I want to come out of the talk with Ever and Edward.

I mean, I want to be with Ever. Of course I do, I'm in love with her. I've always loved her. I can't even remember a time when I didn't love that girl.

But I also can't imagine giving up my weirdly fucking intense relationship with Edward. I don't even know what Edward and I are to each other, but it _matters._ He _matters_ to me. A lot.

Then there's the whole separate issue of Edward and Ever being completely in love. In all honesty I think that's the hardest part for me to deal with. I don't want to stand in the way of Ever and Edward being happy. I care about them both too much.

"Who says it has to go wrong?" Edward says, he slides his hand up and into my hair. His fingers tighten around the black strands and he hauls me in even closer to him with one firm tug. Edward seems to enjoy manhandling me all over the place, and it would be irritating if I didn't kind of really like it.

I'm so _weird._

"Oh, come on, Edward," I bite out, trying to keep the pain in my voice as undetectable as possible, "you have to know that no matter what, this talk with Ever is going to change things between the three of us. Probably forever." I take a deep breath and continue, even though everything in me screams out against it, "I really do think the best solution is for me to take myself out of the equation."

Just like I knew it would, Edward's body immediately goes rigid with tension. I pull back enough to look into his eyes and I almost flinch away at the flicker of violent fury in them.

"What are you saying?" Edward grits out, and he does that thing where he backs me up against a wall and stares at me like he's analysing my every breath and movement.

It makes me nervous as all hell.

I swallow hard and force the words out of my mouth, even though I know it will only serve to piss Edward off a lot more.

"You know what I mean, Edward. You love Ever, and she loves you. _I'm_ the problem here. Why can't either of you see that?" I let the genuine frustration leak into my voice.

It's true though. Ever doesn't need me, not really. Edward sure as hell doesn't need me either. They were doing just fine without me before. Ever only sent Edward away to protect her sister. If JP wasn't such a psycho then I have no doubt that Edward and Ever would still be together right now.

Edward's jaw twitches dangerously. He pins me against the wall with one pale toned arm boxing me in on either side.

We stare at each other for a long time. My breath's come out faster and louder with each passing moment. I just can't seem to control myself around Edward. Blood rushes to the surface of my skin, and my brain goes all dazed and loopy.

He's so close to me. I can feel him, his presence, surrounding me completely.

Edward smells like pure chaos to me. Like passion and lightning and pain and rage.

I didn't expect the rage.

It's an addictive feeling, being near him. I wonder if he makes other people feel like this. I wonder if this is how Ever feels when she's with Edward; completely and utterly consumed by him.

" _Edward_ …." I say, an edge of warning in my tone. I think. Sort of. Or it might be a silent plea for him to touch me more.

Your guess is as good as mine as to which one it is.

Either way Edward reacts to it without hesitation.

Edward suddenly presses his body flush against mine, his eyes flashing with something heart breaking and too frighteningly intense to be real. His groin grinds into mine and I let out a low groan from the back of my throat.

I jerk away with a gasp when Edward kisses my neck. His lips are inhumanly cold against my equally inhumanly warm skin. Neither of us are human. Not really. But I'm not like the other wolves. And Edward isn't like other vampires.

We're both just….. _something else._

Something wholly different from the rest of the world around us.

We don't _fit_. We're two puzzle pieces that have been forced to be part of the wrong puzzle.

Although, somehow, and this is going to sound ridiculous, we _do_ fit. Together. Only together. Like two broken pieces of a circle. Or maybe that should be three pieces, because both Edward and I would be lost without Ever.

The three of us together are the perfect storm. Edward is the lightening and the darkness, dangerous and beautiful. Ever is the wind and the rain, undeniable and vital. I am the thunder and the clouds, mystifying and unseen.

Since the moment each of us met, everything in our lives has changed.

I can't even say I'd undo any of it if I was offered the chance.

Edward's tongue is on my neck, and the intimacy of it elicits another full body shiver from me. But when I feel the scrap of his teeth, time appears to stop. Nothing else exists outside of this moment. Having his teeth on me feels more dangerous than anything else in our relationship. That's because it is. Edward could rip my throat out within seconds. If he wanted to.

And part of him will always want to. It's in the very fabric of his existence. He wouldn't be alive right now without that need to kill.

Power and strength emanates from Edward at all times, but it is especially prominent when his teeth are scratching across the sensitive skin of my throat.

There's something incredible about knowing Edward could seriously hurt me if he wanted to. But at the same time I know with absolute certainty that he never, ever, would. Edward may argue with me on that point, but I know, somewhere deep down in my soul, if there is such a thing, that Edward rather _die_ than hurt me.

Letting Edward do this is like skating on the edge of insanity. It's exhilarating in a way that I don't think I could ever properly explain to another person. Or even to Edward.

Maybe to Ever. Possibly.

If there's anyone who knows a thing or two about throwing themselves into the fiery depths of insanity, then that person is Everlyna Swan.

Although somehow I don't think Ever will be all that eager to discuss with me how Edward's tongue and teeth feel on her body.

That produces an image in my head of Edward and Ever locked together, Ever moaning in ecstasy and Edward smirking against the skin of her throat. My cock hardens to an almost painful level of arousal.

Woah, I've never thought about Edward and Ever being together like that before. Is it strange to think it's the sexiest thing in the world?

I'm gonna go with…. _yes_.

I can't help but let out another groan of pleasure when Edward nips at a tendon in my neck. I have no idea how he can control himself like this, but I'm glad. Edward rolls his hips once and I just about come apart against the fucking wall.

I try to grab onto Edward to keep myself steady, but Edward just growls and tears his mouth away from my neck. I make the most pathetic whimpering sound known to man, woman or child when Edward takes hold of both my wrists and pins them above my head roughly.

Edward looks at me then, his eyes burning, looking almost feverish with some intense emotion that I cannot name.

"What makes you think," Edward says, although it's more of a snarl. A calm snarl. I didn't even know snarls could be calm, "that you get a choice?"

I narrow my eyes at him and I attempt to release myself from his hold. It's like trying to fight against concrete.

"A choice to do what?"

Edward's voice is deceptively polite again when he answers,

"To walk away. From me. From Ever. From what we are, and everything we have between the three of us."

I don't even know how to respond to something that insane, so instead I fall back on anger. It's usually the safest bet with Edward. Reasoning with him never gets me very far, he's too stubborn. Just like Ever.

"Why do you always have to turn it around and make it sound like I'm trying to hurt you?" I grit my teeth and close my eyes tightly. He drives me crazy sometimes.

Edward moves impossibly closer to me. I can feel his nose brushing against mine. I keep my eyes firmly shut. For the sake of my almost non-existent sanity.

"When I met Ever, it was like…a whole new world opened up to me." Edward starts, and he sounds so sincere. But I still keep my eyes closed. I need to. Edward continues, "I never thought myself capable of loving someone the way I love her. Loving a person with absolutely everything you have….it changes you. It shows you things about yourself that you didn't realise were possible."

Edward takes a stuttering breath. Considering the fact that Edward doesn't need to breathe, it worries me a bit. When Edward starts talking again his voice is definitely rougher with emotion.

"So when Ever told me to leave, it shattered something inside of me. This new version of myself that I had been building since Ever and I met started burning away, turning to ash. I hated losing Ever. But I also hated losing that new version of me. He was a better man. Ever _made me_ a better man. Without her…..I felt like I was falling apart."

A small sound escapes my throat. The agony and self-loathing in Edward's voice makes me want to pull him close and wind myself protectively around him. I hate hearing Edward sound so defeated. In my mind he's such a strong and dominant person. I can't imagine him crumbling under any kind of pressure.

"You don't have to tell me this-" I try saying to Edward, but he cuts me off.

"No. I need to say it. And you need to hear it." Edward uses one hand to pin my wrists above my head, and the other to cup my jaw. His thumb runs gently over my cheek. " _Listen_ to me, Jacob. _Really_ listen."

But I don't want to because it hurts _too_ much and it feels _too_ raw and I'm just _too_ fucked up to understand any of it.

I open my eyes anyway.

Edward is looking at me in a way that I've only ever read about in books. It slices into me, cutting apart my resolve to stay neutral. No one can be impassive when someone is looking at you the way Edward is looking at me right now. It's just not physically possible.

"Do you want to know how I felt when I met you?" Edward asks. I don't think it's technically a question, but I answer it anyway.

"I think the words 'hate' and 'loathe' on sight should about cover it."

Edward actually laughs at that, his remarkable eyes brightening slightly, pushing aside some of the pain.

"I did not hate or loathe you on sight, Jacob." He's the only one who uses my real first name, not 'Jake'. No one else really does that. I like that Edward always has.

"Well you definitely didn't _like_ me when we first met." I mumble, giving Edward a flat look.

Far from making Edward get all defensive like I'd thought he would, he actually smiles. It's a smile I've only seen a couple times before. Ever called it his 'human smile', and she said he only smiled that way when he was truly happy.

I don't know what about any of this makes Edward happy, but I'm willing to go with it for now.

"It's not that I didn't like you," Edward says, his voice pitched low, "I was mostly just being a possessive bastard because I knew Ever felt something for you. I could see the closeness between you and Ever. It drove me crazy, especially because it was like you both couldn't see it. Then I realised I can't read your mind, the same way I can't read Ever's, and it….confused me."

I raise an eyebrow at him like 'right, sure'. 'Confused', ha, more like majorly pissed off and frustrated.

Edward ignores my pointed look and keeps talking,

"Part of the reason why Ever fascinated me in the first place was because I couldn't read her mind. So, when I found out about you, it made me feel….interested in you. I didn't want to be intrigued by you. It complicated things for me. So instead of admitting how I really felt I decided it would be easier to just…."

"Act like an angry badger whenever I was around?" I tease, a small grin finding its way onto my face.

Edward rolls his eyes at me,

"That's pretty rich coming from the world's first wolf porcupine."

I scowl at Edward,

"I am not a porcupine."

Edward gets all smirky again and I try to escape his hold once more. Even with my shifter strength, whilst I'm in my 'human form', Edward is still stronger. Damn him.

"I think you'll find that you are in fact a porcupine, baby. I never met anyone as instinctively defensive as you. Every time I was in the same room as you, you'd lash out. Not in big angry ways, but you always made it clear that you wished I didn't exist."

I shrug one shoulder, agitated now that the topic has changed to being about me.

"Yeah, well, your existence bothered me. I always felt on edge when you were there. Plus you were with Lyna and I didn't think anyone was good enough for her."

Edward nods in understanding. Then he rolls his hips again, reminding me of the steel hardness in my jeans. I low moan escapes from my mouth and I immediately wish I could grab it and shove it back down my throat.

The smirk is back on Edward's face.

"Are you sure you didn't just think I was sexy and had no idea how to handle that?" Edward teases, his eyes flashing to my mouth and then back up again to meet my gaze.

"Arrogant fang." I mutter dispassionately.

Edward opens his mouth to respond, but before he can get a word out, my phone buzzes in my pocket. I arch an eyebrow at Edward. My stomach becomes tied up with knots and all the tension that Edward had managed to get rid of suddenly reappears with a vengeance.

Edward's expression flickers from amused and at ease to reserved and stoic. Great. But he lets go of me and takes a few steps back.

I take out my phone and look at the text from Ever that simple states 'I'm here'. No quips or funny remarks. Wow, that means she's taking this whole thing seriously right from the get go. I can't decide if that makes me more nervous or less.

"I'll go wait in the living room." Edward says neutrally. I almost hate him for his own ability to control his emotions so well.

Edward leaves me alone in the hallway, and I force myself to get a grip. I'm being ridiculous. It's just Ever, there's no reason to have a spaz attack.

Coda is asleep upstairs, so I hope the three of us can get through this conversation without actually fighting. I'm not quite that optimistic though. I don't think I can trust Ever and Edward to keep their tempers. Being reasonable and calm doesn't come to either of them naturally. Even though it may seem that way with Edward, I know that he has to work really hard to appear the way he does.

In reality Edward is one of the most expressive people I've ever known. He's especially good at anger.

I go to the door and with a last deep breathe I open it. Ever is standing on the other side looking beautiful and fierce and just a little bit dangerous, like always. She grins up at me, but I can see the tension in her shoulders. Ever is just as nervous as I am, and I'm not sure what that means.

Ever throws herself at me suddenly and pulls her into a tight embrace. We stay there like that for a while.

"God, I love you." I barely whisper the words, but Ever hears me.

"I love you too." Ever whispers back, and I begin to feel lighter.

Maybe everything will be alright after all.

Of course that all goes to hell when Ever and I make our way into the living room and the first thing Edward's says upon seeing Ever is,

"Jacob knows we had sex."

Ever's eyes darken in a way I've only seen a handful of times before. She all but growls at Edward,

"You son of a bitch!"

Not the best start then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for reading! Please let me know what you thought!


	15. Paris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own New Moon. At all. Like, not even a teensy tiny bit. I promise.

How _dare_ he say that! The bastard!

Ward's expression is tight, and seemingly calm. But I can see the anger bubbling and spitting underneath that mask of solid rock. His dark eyes spark with the need to fight this out with me. I don't know what the fuck he thinks he has to be pissed about, but we'll just see which one of us lives through this 'talk' Jay insisted we have.

"I wanted you to know so that we were all on the same page before we started…this." Ward says, hesitating a bit on the last word. I'm sure now that he has no more idea than I do what's going on here. Satan knows I don't have a clue what we're actually supposed to be working out tonight.

Who loves who? Who wants who? Hell, it's all such a fucking mess.

"Oh ' _this'_ has already fucking started. " I gesture between the two of us a bit more violently than I meant to.

Jay sighs and closes the door to the living room. Probably so we won't wake up a sleeping four year old. I feel guilty for about a second, but then I get another look at Ward's face and the absolute fury comes rushing back at full force.

"I did what I had to do. Jacob deserved to know." Ward growls at me, already losing some of his composure. Good. Fucker. Mother. Motherfucker! There, that's the word I was looking for God damn it.

"Oh right, because when you slept with me you were so concerned about _Jay's feelings_ , you liar!" I don't know where all this pissed-off-ness is coming from. When I arrived I told myself to stay calm, that no matter the outcome I would handle this weird-ass situation as maturely as possible.

But now I'm actually here and faced with Ward's stupid lying face, all I want to do is slap it. Hard. With a chair. Made of metal. Decorated with spikes. Pink ones.

Ward had no right to go off and tell Jay about the night we spent together. Of course Jay deserved to know, but he deserved even more to hear it from me instead of Ward. I'm the one who owes Jay that respect, and I'm so angry that Ward would take that away from me. He's turned what we did that night into a dirty secret that I didn't want to share.

Ward has singlehandedly ruined that night for both of us.

Right here, in this moment, I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him for that.

Ward's hands have become fists at his sides. I can see that his fuse is clearly nearing its end already. I could easily push him over into that haze of blacked out oblivion. That violent fury that lives right below the surface of Ward's true nature.

I want to make him explode with anger. To force him to feel the amount of betrayal that I feel.

"You don't understand." Ward barely manages to grit out.

"I don't understand what?" I snarl at him, "Please, Ward, tell me….tell me what I don't fucking understand about you having it off with my boyfriend, sleeping with me, and then going back to my boyfriend to tell him all about it."

I realise that I'm being a hypocritical bitch here, but I'm too completely livid to think or behave rationally.

Ward snaps then, and it's just as glorious as I imagined it would be. His eyes narrow to dangerous slits, and everything about his body language screams predator when he growls at me,

"It wasn't like that and you know it!" Ward's hands are shaking he's so enraged, and I hope it burns him up inside. I hope it hurts. He meets my eyes and continues with even more bite to his tone, "We both wanted it that night. I needed you so badly that I couldn't think of anything but being inside you. You needed it too, Ever, I _know_ you did." He breaks off, pain crackling like thunder in his voice.

"You left. You left!" I shout at him. And I'm not even sure what I mean. That he left me here in Forks almost a year ago. Or that he left me the night we had sex. Maybe I mean something completely different, I have no idea. It's all a big jumbled mess inside my head.

"It was _your_ choice!" Ward's voice is strong, firm, and just a bit cracked. A shattered piece of glass grating against my far too breakable mind. "You asked me to leave, Ever. You asked me to, so I did."

"You came back." I say, but it's a barely there sound.

Ward's jaw tightens defensively, but he nods once,

"I came back."

"But not for me." I hate the words. I hate them because they make me sound so weak for even needing to say them out loud when we both know the truth.

Of course he didn't come back for me, I know this, I've always known this. But it's not the same as actually hearing it from Ward.

"No. I…I didn't come back for you." Ward says, and the anger is gone. In its place is something more brittle, like guilt and shame mixed together to create something horrifically sad.

I know he doesn't say it to be cruel. My Ward could never be that way. Not with me, not with anyone. But even though there's no malice behind his words, I still feel them. I don't know how painful it is to have something hot and sharp driven through your heart, but I'd imagine it's something quite a lot like this.

It feels as if I'm being crushed between two thin pieces of glass. Tightness twists my chest into knots. My lungs dry up until they crack like seaweed, and I struggle to rein in yet another panic attack. I wish I could say it wasn't so easy to shove me over the edge, but that would be another lie. There have been too many of those. Far too many.

I immediately search out Jay. He's the only one who can curb one of my panic attacks before it has the chance to properly take over.

I'm surprised to find him sitting on the sofa, elbows balancing on his knees and his face hidden behind his large hands. Jay is too tall and too broad shouldered, just too big all over, to ever really disappear into himself.

But I remember as a child he always looked like he does now. Lost. Scattered. Dealing with an agony so great that it encompasses everything around him. Everything _inside_ him. To me, it almost seems like the universe bends just to trap Jay. The very fabric of reality turns inwards, pushing Jay into a corner and holding him down.

There were times during our childhood when I despised the universe for doing that to him.

I would look at Jay, a little boy who moves just a little bit out of sync with the rest of the world, and I'd feel at peace. Because it was such a relief to know someone else who felt the same way I did. A person who understood how strange other people were, and how much we both wanted to be like them. But at the same time we didn't want to be part of the world that they were a part of.

It looked too much like a dream. Dreams are dangerous things. I knew that. Jay knew that. Most people don't, and that's ok too.

They don't see the shadows. They don't have any fairies. They know what they know and nothing else.

I just never understood how they could do all that, **_be_** all that, and still _breathe_.

I'm not very good at that part of being alive. But then, I suppose there are things we all struggle with.

Love. Loss. Life. All part of the same thing in the end….and during the rest of it too sometimes.

We are not special. I am not.

There's nothing special or desirable about being fucked up.

Ward notices the change in my expression and he looks to Jay as well. His demeanour instantly switches from offensive to defensive. He moves towards Jay and kneels down in front of him. Ward stares at Jay for a long time, his eyes filling with….something. I don't even know if there's a word in existence that is important enough to describe the emotion in them.

God, sometimes there just aren't enough _words_. Or maybe there are enough and we just don't know how to use them properly. I wouldn't put it past us to miss the obvious.

Ward reaches out a hand and touches Jay's dark hair. It looks all spiked up, probably from where he's been running his fingers through it all day. I can imagine Jay, pacing around his cottage, trying to gain some control over himself. His pain. His desires. His anger. His fear. All of them.

Control. Because there a moments when control is all you have. It's all there is. It's the only thing that stops you from….breaking. Destroying everything. Crumbling into dust and ash. Folding back into the world. Disappearing. Gone. Just gone.

Just as I suspected he would, Jay flinches away from Ward's touch. I have to wince at the look of pained rage on Ward's face. Maybe he knows. He could know if Jay told him. If Jay told Ward about all the secrets he holds inside himself. The way we all do. The way we _have_ to. There's no other method that exists which will allow you to survive it.

If Jay has managed to tell Ward about his past, then he is a braver person than I could ever hope to be. But then, I think that was always true.

Instead of moving away from Jay, like I know Ward would have done if it were me, Ward tangles his thin fingers in Jay's hair. They twist the strands and wind them into a messy knot. Ward's pale skin contrasts starkly with the dark night of Jay's hair. For some reason it looks beautiful to me, like something an artist would take a black and white photo of.

Jay leans into Ward's touch this time. Even when Ward uses his hold on Jay's hair to yank his head back, baring his neck in a way that means so much more than it should. Jay's eyes are closed, but Ward's grip remains tight and strong. I would call it too aggressive in any other situation and with any other two people. But there's a definite blunted edge to Ward's movements, and nothing but fierce passion on Ward's face when he says to Jay,

"I already told you I'm not going to let you hide. Not from me. Not from Ever. And not from us and everything that we are to each other now."

_Now. Were. Could be._

It's too much. It's all too much.

But I'm not willing to let it go. To let these two men go on without me. If they even could, I honestly don't know.

Jay makes a sound like a sob crossed with a growl. It's a painful sound. But a somehow hopeful one too.

I watch them together as Jay finally opens his eyes to look at Ward. They flicker over to me for a moment, and the sight of all that confusion slices into me deeper than any knife ever could.

Jay takes hold of Ward's other hand and threads their fingers together. He waits a beat, the two of them sharing a look that I desperately want to be a part of. Jay offers me that chance when he holds out his free hand to me.

I hesitate for what feels like an eternity before moving to stand on the other side of Jay to take his hand. He locks our fingers together tightly and squeezes my hand, almost like a thank you. Although I'm not totally sure what he's thanking me for.

Jay's hand is warm. His eyes are kind. Why is Jay always so damn kind? I already know why he's warm all the time. His fluffy-ness causes it. I don't know what causes the kindness, he's certainly never been given any reason to be with most people.

I look over at Jay's hand linked with Ward's. Dark skin on pale white. Flawless bound with scarred.

 **Marble** and _Wood_. One cool and smooth like ice. The other rough and easy to burn.

"I'm sorry." I say, because, really, that's all I have left now that the anger is gone. I'm sure the anger could come back, but right now I'm hoping it stays gone.

"I'm sorry too." Ward says, and I can feel his gaze boring into me. I look at him, our eyes locking together. Just as I thought, the burning resentment between us is no longer hanging in the air like smoke. "I shouldn't have told Jay about what happened that night without at least talking to you about it first."

I sigh, my shoulders slumping in acceptance of that,

"And I shouldn't have slept with you in the first place whist I was still with Jay. Just because we both needed it, doesn't mean it was right."

"I'm sorry for letting your ex kiss my face. A lot." Jay chimes in, sounding equal parts aroused and embarrassed by the admission.

Ward clears his throat loudly at that and says somewhat indignantly,

"What do you mean 'let'? There was a hell of a lot more than just 'let' going on Jacob."

I have to snort out a laugh in response to the look of bewilderment on Jay's face, and the huffy look on Ward's. I don't know why it's all of a sudden become funny to me. But Ward appears genuinely cross with Jay for making it sound like he played no part in whatever kissing has apparently been going on around here.

Jay rolls his eyes at Ward,

"I didn't mean it like that, you weirdo. I just…well… you're usually the one who…." Jay waves a hand, as if that explains everything.

It doesn't. At all.

Ward gets this half smirk on his face and he growls low in his throat,

"Yes, Jacob, I'm usually the one who… _what_?"

Jay sucks in a harsh breathe. Ward's eyes burn hot, like melting glass.

I tilt my head up to look at the ceiling and let all the tension officially drain out of my body. Then with a groan I say,

"I cannot believe I'm sitting here with my ex and my boyfriend whilst they argue about their kissing sessions. I mean oh my fuck, how is this my life? How could this be _anyone's_ life?" I bark out another laugh, "You know, if I wrote this all down in a story, people would say it was too unrealistic. Even for fiction."

"That…that doesn't make sense." Jay says finally, sounding as perplexed as I would expect anyone to by this point.

" _Nothing_ makes sense!" I exclaim hysterically, and I fall backwards onto the sofa. Cackling. Like a real life witch folks.

I might be losing it just a little bit over here.

Right, as if there was much left to lose in the first place.

Don't judge me, you're not here! Things are getting weird again! I do not have the smarticles to handle this shit.

Jay and Ward are both watching me. I can feel their eyes running all over my body, and I have to suppress the desire to shiver. For the first time I have both of the men I love behaving civilly with each other and towards me. It's an oddly content moment.

Eventually I sit up and lean forward, letting my shoulder brush against Jay's arm. He gives me an achingly gentle smile. Ward is splitting his time equally between staring at me and staring at Jay.

"So…..for serious," I say, trying to sound as genuinely curious as possible and not at all judgemental, "What the frik frak is going on between the two of you? Just…be real with me here for a second, yeah."

Jay and Ward exchange another one of those looks again. I actually think I'm getting a bit better at reading them. Ward's eyes are saying 'I _want_ to tell her everything', and Jay's eyes are saying 'I want to know what all that _everything_ even means'.

For a moment I marvel at how comfortable they've become around each other. I could have never imagined anything like this a year ago. They seemed to genuinely hate each other back then.

Or maybe….maybe that was just easier to deal with. For me and for them.

Well fuck that noise, like hell are any of us taking the easy way anymore.

But, even with the strange contentment, underneath there is still that same thick layer of tension burning hot and bright between Jay and Ward. What I first thought of as hate has now morphed into something that can only be lust. Want. Need.

I see the hunger in Ward's gaze when he looks at Jay. His eyes devour Jay like a thick black smoke. Jay appears more cautious, as I would expect him to be, but still uniquely enamoured with Ward.

I'm still not even sure how to process it all.

"We don't…. _know_." Jay says finally. Bleakly.

It feels like only a half-truth though.

Ward snatches my attention when he tries to explain,

"Neither of us ever meant for anything to happen. I really did only ask Jacob to text me every now and again to let me know if you were safe and happy. But then the phone calls started, and they became nightly and long. But I pushed too hard one night and Jacob cut off contact. It felt like," Ward's expression becomes something almost too painful to look at, "losing everything. Losing you. Losing Jacob. Losing myself. It was wrong of me…I know that…but I had to know Jacob was alright. I **_had_** to **_know_**. So….I came _back_." Ward breaks off, his voice shuddering to halt.

I catch his gaze and hold it. I try not to sound accusing when I ask,

"How did you coming home to Forks to make sure Jay was safe translate into you….?" I wave a hand. Apparently both me and Jay are struggling with the human talk today.

"Molesting my face with his face." Jay supplies drolly.

"Right. That." I agree with a nod.

Ward makes a grumbling sound and says confidently,

"There was no molesting. Jacob wanted it as much as I did. Even if he didn't really know it at the time."

I can't help myself from quirking an amused eyebrow at Ward and saying,

"Wow, is that a direct quote from the abusive boyfriend's guidebook?"

Jay is clearly trying not to laugh at that, whereas Ward merely reaches over to flick my nose.

"You're not funny."

I. Am. Hilarious.

"I'm a BAMFUOPEA I'll have you know batboy." I say. Because for reals, I so completely am.

"I am NOT A BAT!" Edward exclaims. Loudly. Passionately. Weirdly.

At the same time Jay asks almost fearfully,

"What's a BAMFUOPEA?"

He doesn't look like he actually wants to know, but he feels that he has to ask anyway. Because life.

I ignore Ward, because I know that will irritate him even more. Instead I focus all my attention on Jay when I answer his tentative question. He is right to be wary of me. Everyone should fear me.

FEAR ME I SAY!

"A BAMFUOPEA is obviously a Bad Ass Mother Fucking Unicorn Of Pure Epic Awesomeness."

I mean, who doesn't know that? Boring people, that's who.

"I'm not a bat," Ward says again, clearly becoming very agitated.

It amuses me, so I ignore him some more. Jay is apparently following my lead, because he doesn't acknowledge Ward either. Although that might also be because Jay is staring at me in what can only be described as unfathomable disbelief.

"That doesn't sound like a thing that exists." Jay says to me.

"Trust me, it's definitely a thing." I pat his arm.

But then he has the audacity to argue with me, the blasted fool!

"I do trust you, Lyna….but that word definitely is not a thing that exists in the world."

"Well, what would you know about the world? You're one spotted handkerchief away from being a homeless hermit." I say in exasperation.

"I'm really **_not_** a bat," Ward mutter darkly.

Jay and I do not look away from each other.

"How can I even be a homeless hermit? I _have_ a home." Jay gestures around at his cottage.

I scoff at him,

"I meant metaphorically."

Jay gives me a 'you are so full of shit' face.

"A metaphorical homeless hermit? What does that mean inside your weird little head?"

"It means that I hate you," I scowl fiercely, "And I'm not little! I'm fun sized."

"I can't believe after all we've been through you would say that you hate me." Jay pulls a mock hurt expression, and then he smiles brazenly, "You are a bit little though."

I gasp, placing a hand over my heart and leaning away from Jay,

"YOU MIGHTY DOUCHECANOE!" I shake a fist at him, "It's not my fault that I look small compared you. Anyone would, I mean you're so **_fat_** now."

Jay shouts, "I have muscles! They are not fat!"

I shout, "Yeah, muscles of pure fluffy **_fat_**!"

Ward shouts, "I am not a bat!"

Right, this mature talk about our relationship is going well. Clearly.

Suddenly from somewhere off in the distance I hear a tiny child-like voice shout down to us,

"I am _trying_ to SLEEP!"

Ah, shit.

**Jacob's P.O.V**

"Evar!" Coda yells excitedly as soon as he catches sight of Ever. He runs at her, a massive grin splitting his small face.

Ever lets Coda scramble up into her arms and hugs him tightly. Coda lays his head down on her shoulder and buries his nose against her neck.

" _Missed you, missed you, missed you_." Coda whispers over and over and over again, his little hands holding onto Ever in a death grip.

My eyes lock with Ever's over Coda's shoulder and hers looks glazed with emotion. I worry for a moment that she might actually cry. I don't know whether to feel elated by seeing Ever and Coda together again or not.

Edward is up from the floor now, and he's giving Coda one of those fond, gentle smiles. But at the same time there's a fierce protectiveness in the way he reaches out to touch Coda's hand.

Coda lets Ward take his hand even as Ever cuddles him impossibly closer.

It doesn't something to me. Seeing them, the three people I care about the most in my life right now, together. Not just together either, but clearly loving each other as well. It inspires emotions inside me that I'm not at all ready to deal with right now.

Instead of letting myself drown in confusion and panic, I leave the living room. I go the kitchen to make some tea. Tea is good. I need tea. Like, right now. Preferably before my brain explodes into a billion tiny pieces of 'what the ever living fuck am I do with my life'.

I can hear my mother inside my head. Sometimes she's there in the background, just waiting for her chance to strike a pin into my thoughts. It doesn't even always have to be about something important. I'll just hear her smooth, dazed out, voice.

_The bees inside your head are angry, Jakey._

_You can't do this. Love. Love is for normal people, Jakey._

_Your father never loved me. You never loved me._

_I never loved you, Jakey._

_You can't love someone who was born a ghost._

Her words. My words. They spin around and around inside my head. She's right, of course she's right.

How could I have ever thought for a single moment that….

I grip the edge of the sink until it starts to groan from the pressure. My sting harshly, but not from sadness. They burn with anger. Anger at myself for allowing this to go on when I knew, I _knew_ , I wouldn't be able to handle it.

There have been days in the last few years when it took all of my strength to hold myself together. I did that for Coda. I did that for my son because he was the only thing that truly mattered to me. If I could just get it right with Coda….then my life would mean something.

I'd resigned myself to never having a real life of my own. I had Coda. I had my cottage in the woods. I had my father.

I didn't _need_ anything else. I didn't _deserve_ anything else.

There are times when I wonder what it would be like if Dalia hadn't died. What would I do if the mother of my son was here with me now? I knew Dalia. I _knew_ her and she….tried to know me.

It was more than anyone else had ever done on the reservation.

They all looked at me and saw my father's son. A good, strong, dependable man. They said I was just quiet. That I would grow out of my strangeness one day. They thought I would make my father proud to call me his son.

Dalia saw me for what I really am. My mother's son. A cracked, painful, broken waste of a person.

But Dalia cared for me. She really did, and I will never forget her. Even if I didn't have Coda. I do have Coda though. Dalia gave him to me, and he is the greatest gift any one person could give to another.

~flashback~

_"I don't want to be a mother." Dalia's green eyes are hard and unforgiving._

_She is my friend. Was. Maybe now she hates me._

_"I know." I say, because I do know._

_"You did this." Dalia's jaw tightens, but I'm not sure if she's angry anymore, or if she's just scared. Or tired._

_I feel tired. But I'm not scared. And I'm not angry._

_I worked out a long time ago that being angry about things you don't have the power to change is pointless._

_"I know." I say again, because it's still true._

_"Are you in love me?" Dalia asks, and the question surprises me enough that I answer honestly._

_"No." Simple. Cold. I hate it._

_"Do you even know what being in love is?" Dalia shakes her head, her eyes focused outward, over the water that crashes below._

_We're sitting here, in our place. Top of the cliff. Deadly drop._

_I think it's going to rain soon._

_"No." I say again. But that's a lie this time._

_I'm thirteen. Of course I know what being in love is._

_Being in love is…..not meant for people like me. I know this because my mother told me so. My mother is many things, crazy being one of them. But she's not a liar._

_I'm a liar sometimes._

_It's definitely going to rain soon._

_"Do you believe in true love?" Dalia asks, and I know she means it because her voice has dipped low and scalding. It always does when she says things that matter. Or what she thinks matters. I'm not sure if the difference is important._

_But I do know that she expects a real answer, and she won't stop Not Quite Looking At Me until I give her one._

_"I think asking someone if they believe in true love is like asking if they believe in the colour blue." I force the words out through shards of glass. "We know the colour blue exists, but just because we know it's there doesn't mean it looks the same to everyone. Who's to say that my version of blue is the same as yours? Your blue could be yellow. It could be anything different to my version of blue. Or the same. Maybe." I'm not really trying to make sense of the words, but they keep coming anyway, "My blue is mine. Your blue is yours. Everyone has their own colour blue and no one can prove that their blue is the right one. The real blue. Because there is no right or real blue. There's just….people."_

_Dalia turns to me then, for the first time since she told me I was going to be a father. Her eyes don't look hateful, but I can't trust that. My mother's eyes never look hateful either._

_"So." Dalia says, sounding half amused, half serious. Like always. "True love is the colour blue then?"_

_It starts to rain._

_I look up at the dark sky._

_"Or it could be yellow." I say._

~flashback~

I don't realise at first that I've left the cottage through the back door. I also don't notice that I've shifted back and forth at least four times during my run through the forest. You'd think that was something a person would take note of.

But my mind is lost in a maze.

I find myself back on top of that same cliff. It looks different. But I know it's the same place because Dalia and I engraved our initials into the stone.

Something about forever.

On the other side of this cliff the other shifters sometimes come to jump into the water. Like lunatics. I'm supposed to be the insane one, but they're the ones who jump off cliffs for no reason. Work that one out.

At first I think I'm imagining things when I see another person standing on the other side of the cliff. Not Sam and his gang of hero wolves.

No.

It's a woman. Or a girl. I recognise her.

She hesitates on the edge of the cliff. I hope for a moment that she won't jump.

There's a reason I don't hope for things.

The girl jumps. I find my voice.

"Bella!"

But it's too late. She's gone, hitting the cold water with a defining splash.

I feel something cold tighten in my chest and I know there's really only one thing I can do. I take a few steps back from the edge. One breathe. Two. Then I throw myself over the fucking cliff, because apparently we're all going out of our freakin' minds today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N-I hope you enjoyed the first confortentation between our three lovers cough weirdoes cough. (The first of many. There's LOADS of stuff they need to work through, both individually and apart.) I know this chapter got a bit angsty, but I need it to be this way. But don't worry, the hilarity will return! I promise. x
> 
> Thank you to everyone for reading and please for the love of pants review! (I mean, I don't have any particular love towards pants or knickers, but it's the thought that counts.) x ;)


	16. The Phone Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> STUFF! STUFF I SAY!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own New Moon. At all. Like, not even a teensy tiny bit. I promise.

Well fuck my life.

I honestly don't know who to be angrier at. Bella the fantastic emopop, for jumping off of a cliff and trying to drown herself. Because seriously, that is so many levels of uncool that I can't even begin to fathom how to process it inside my already jumbled up brain.

I might end up deciding to murder her myself. Who knows? I'm pretty pissed off at the moment. I could bludgeon her death with a hard copy of Romeo and Juliet. I think Bella bop would even enjoy the poetic justice behind such an act. I know I definitely would.

Or I could be even angrier at Jay. For running off without telling us. For clearly losing his shit, and again not telling us. I can't decide whether to slap him for being so reckless, or to try and comfort him. Obviously he's struggling with all this even more than I was aware of. And I think the same goes for Ward, considering his reaction to finding Jay gone, and then also finding out Jay had thrown himself off a cliff whilst in a very bad state of mind.

Bella is upstairs, in Jays' cottage, sleeping off whatever crazy mind set she'd been in when she tried to kill herself. I can't believe she would even consider it. Not after everything she watched me go through.

I can understand a moment of madness. Sometimes I think my whole life is made up of one mad moment after another. If there was a time when that wasn't the case, then I seriously do not remember it.

"What were you _thinking_?" Edward demands, his dark eyes flashing hotly, fury etched into his features. "You could have _died_!" He slams his hand against the kitchen wall hard enough to make it quake.

Luckily Coda isn't here or Edward wouldn't be able to get as angry as he clearly needs to be right now. I wish I could take away Jay's anguish. I wish I could take away Ward's anger. I wish I could save my sister from herself. But I can't do any of those things and so I'm left feeling pretty damn useless.

"You're over-reacting!" Jay snarls at Ward, his back turned to the enraged vampire currently stalking around his kitchen. "I was fine. I don't need you to worry about me like this."

That seems to snap something inside Ward and I wince as he grabs hold of Jay's shoulder and forces him to turn around. He pushes Jay back against the counter top and growls at him,

"You think I want to feel like this? Do you think I _chose_ this? If you do then you're wrong. So _fucking_ wrong."

Jay pulls himself up to his full height, and even whilst being pinned down by a vampire, he still manages to appear strong and unafraid. Ward on the other hand seems to have finally lost all control of himself and his emotions. If he were human he would be breathing hard, the way Jay is, his chest heaving.

But Ward isn't human. So the only way I can tell he's lost it is the crazed look in his eyes. It's a pretty frightening thing, even from all the way over here on the other side of the kitchen.

"Stop it!" Jay shouts right into Ward's face, "Stop acting like I forced you to be here! I didn't ask for this either! You're the one who started all this, first with the texts, the endless phone calls, and then _you_ kissed _me_. I tried to let go, but you just _kept_. _On_. _Coming_."

I hear a crash of lightning overhead, and it seems to punctuate every word Jay has just said. There's a storm crashing around outside, the skies darkening to a depthless black, lightning cutting up the world into pieces, thunder forcing noise into the chaos. But all I can really focus on is the two men in front of me.

God, they are devastatingly beautiful. Even more so when they're hurting and pissed off. It probably shouldn't be that way, but the truth is that I've always found something strikingly ethereal in both rage and sorrow being forced together. Two battling dancers, neither willing to let the other take over completely.

"I **_wanted_** you." Ward admits through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, well, I'm not yours to want." Jay's snaps, his jaw clenching. My whole body tightens when he looks at me. There's so much emotion darting around inside those dark eyes of his, all of them frantically trying to escape like bats from a cave.

When Ward turns to look at me too, I fight the urge to take a step back. There's jealousy there. Love too. Want and lust, but of course that's always been there between us. It's a painful love. The kind of love we have now. Nothing will ever be as simple as it was. If it was ever simple in the first place.

I really don't know anymore.

Ward holds out a hand towards me and I force myself to walk over to them. Each step feels like a mile of running through dangerous terrain.

They pull me in between them when I get close enough, and I go without a fight. I think that surprises all of us a little bit.

I have my back pressed against Jay's front and my chest pressed up against Ward's. I arch back just enough to make sure most of my body is touching both of theirs as much as possible.

Jay sucks in a harsh breathe when my ass presses against the front of his jeans. I can imagine him closing his eyes and allowing his head to fall forward. I feel the pressure from his forehead against the back of my head. His hands find their way to my hips and squeeze.

Ward is dividing his time between watching Jay's reactions over my shoulder, and looking into my own eyes. There's an undeniable heat in those two pieces of coal. I raise my own arms to twine them around Edward's neck, pulling him steadily closer.

"End this. I'm not strong enough." Ward whispers, sounding almost angry about it.

I'm surprised when it's Jay instead of me who says,

"No. You wanted this, now you have it. Like hell are you going to be the one who gets away just because things are suddenly too difficult for _you_."Jay sounds angry too.

"It's _always_ difficult for me." Ward bites out.

"Good." Jay bites back, "You deserve it."

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Ugh, _guys_. They're both so snippy. Can't they feel how right this is? If not 'right' exactly, then at least _satisfying_.

I let my head fall back to rest on Jay's broad chest. Ward presses impossibly closer, and I feel the hardness of his zipper like it's an actual tease even though I don't think he means it to be.

Ward drops a kiss down onto my jaw, his lips cool and oddly soft. A whisper of glass brushing over skin.

I gasp, unable to help myself, when Jay rolls his hips just slightly. Ward gives an answering roll, which Jay quickly responds to in kind. It's a strangely compelling rhythm.

I find myself moving my body along with them, like a plant moving with the breeze or a strand of seaweed allowing itself to be taken in by a series of waves.

"Oh _fuck_." Jay rumbles, his voice vibrating through his body. I can feel him, solid and hot against me.

Ward growls low and primal, the sound echoing between the three of us. He reaches over my shoulder with one hand to take hold of Jay's hair. He must grip it hard enough to hurt because Jay groans incoherently. Then Ward steals my breath with a kiss so rough that our teeth keep clacking together. We're too caught up in it to care though.

Jay's rhythmic gyrations pick up speed in response to mine and Ward's kiss. When Edward finally rips his mouth away from our kiss, I gasp with the need to suck in as much air as possible.

When Ward yanks Jay's head to the side by his hair and takes Jay's mouth with an unsurprising amount of aggression. Much more than he used with me. But I figure maybe Jay likes it that way. The way he growls and whimpers into the kiss would indicate that yes, he does like being kissed that violently.

I know this is bad and wrong and so completely stupid. But if I stopped myself from ever doing anything stupid then I'd probably never leave my room.

I'm not sure exactly what we're doing. Not really. It's not like I have a lot of experience with three-way make out sessions.

Just when I think I'll explode from the genuine _need_ to somehow get closer to both Ward and Jay, although how I'd actually manage that at this point I have no idea, a phone starts to ring.

The high pitched sound of a mobile phone ringing slices through the air like a particularly intent bullet. It collapses the bubble of lust-filled tension between the three of us with almost violent ferocity.

Ward appears intent on ignoring the interruption, which I'm pretty sure means it's his phone that just destroyed our moment of unbearably heated insanity. The only people who could be calling him are the other members of the Cullen family. I hope its Queen Bee, then I can snatch the phone away from Ward and catch up with the **real** love of my life. Queen Bee, the bitchy vampiress of my heart. I bet she misses me something awful. I should never have let her leave. Forget Edward, letting Queen Bee go was the major mistake.

Jay's dark eyes lose a bit of their fire, and he yanks on Ward's hair to stop him from continuing to own Jay's mouth. Ward makes a sound of animalistic frustration. I can feel his erection, hard and ready, against my stomach. I remember the way he fucked me that night when I knew for sure that he'd come back. It feels like it was ages ago now. So much has changed. Or maybe everything has just become more screwed up than it was before.

I didn't actually think that was possible, so go us for proving past me wrong on that score.

Edward and Jacob stare at each other, their eyes perfectly locked. They both have this _look_ on their faces. It's a look I'm rather familiar with at this point. Lust, frustration, pain, heartache, want and something just a little bit _more._ All of those things are mixed together to create a new emotion that only the truly fucked up can ever claim to have felt.

It's not exactly something to aim for in your life.

I divide my attention equally between them as they go through some sort of weird showdown. The phone continues to ring, filling the otherwise silent kitchen. I latch onto the noise, trying to keep myself grounded, otherwise I'm afraid I'll drift away and allow myself to be completely enraptured by the emotions waging war inside of me.

Jay looks like he's torn between saying 'fuck it' and slamming his mouth back down onto Ward's, or telling the other man to 'fuck off'. Maybe with his fist. Indignant anger blazes behind Jay's dark eyes. I've never seen him look like that at anyone. Not even me. Although, I think that has something to with the fact that I don't naturally enrage him, which is definitely a first for me. I'm usually quite the rage inducer. Bella bop would agree with that.

But who cares what the Bellausarus-rex thinks? That's right. No one. And it's a good thing too because she's officially lost her marbles. I'm beginning to think she never had any to start with. I hope we can conceal her craziness from our Dad. He'd be crushed if he found out. First I lose my shit in an epic way, and now Bella? Our Mom and Dad will probably end up sending us both off to a convent. On the moon. Forever.

Ward's looks equally torn, although I think he's leaning more towards ' _bite the fucking wolf'_. His strange eyes flash with something electrifying. They burn, but with the bright warmth of a burning star.

For a moment I'm slightly jealous of the obvious intense heat between Ward and Jay, even if it is a mixture of both sex ** _and_** violence.

I move slightly between Jay and Ward, which finally causes them to tear their gazes away from each other. Now they're staring at me and I immediately regret feeling at all jealous, because Jesus _Christ_ , no one should be able to feel such intensity and still be expected to keep on breathing. I want to tell them to stop looking at me like that. Love _shines_ in their eyes when they look at me. Yeah, kids, the books and TV shows and movies and poems have it fucking right. Love actually does **_shine_**.

I wonder if I'm looking at them the same way, and as soon as that thought enters my mind, I desperately want to close my eyes and look away. Because I'm a God damn coward. I think that has been firmly established from all of the events that have led up to this moment.

Wanting nothing more than to distract Mr I Stare At You With Devotion That You Don't Deserve and Sir I Will Always Love You Even Though You Are An Insane Person. I point lamely at the table where Edward threw his jacket after he took it off in a steely rage when we got home earlier. I genuinely thought he was going to explode in fangy fury when we found out Jay had done a runner out the back door.

"Answer the phone Ward." I say, and my voice comes out sounding way more husky than I meant it to, damn it.

How his phone is still ringing anyway is a mystery. It feels like years have passed since it started.

Ward doesn't respond at first. But then he runs hand through his hair, pulling on the ends, making the strands stick up like a man scientists. He says, well actually it's more of choked statement,

"I'm losing my mind because of you two lunatics."

He looks scarily focused. On me. On Jay. On the situation. I'm thinking maybe some distance would be good for all of us right now. As in right this fucking second before clothes start getting ripped off. I'm not even sure if it would be for sex or during a fight. It could literally go either way with the three of us right now.

Jay finally breaks us out of whatever this weird-ass moment is officially.

"I'm gonna go call Leah to make sure Coda's settling in ok." Jay says, sounding tired, and maybe just a bit resigned. I understand the feeling completely.

Making my own excuse, I say,

"And I'll go see if the emotron five thousand is feeling any less stupid." Don't hold your breathes folks. I've been waiting eighteen years for such a miracle to occur.

Ward backs off, although with clear reluctance. His phone has finally stopped ringing, but Ward goes to check it.

I shift away from Jay, and he takes his unnaturally hot hands off me. I know we're both purposefully not making eye contact. I think it's easier that way to not lose our minds. We already know how fragile they are, especially after the reminder today.

Ward holds up his phone and says,

"Alice. I'll call her back."

Neither Jay or I protest as Ward goes to the back door to take the call outside. He stops halfway over the threshold though and looks up at us. His eyes narrow on Jay and he says,

"You run again, I will track your ass down and kick it."

"If you want me to give a shit, maybe you should threaten to bite it." Jay snaps back without a second's hesitation.

I snort out a laugh. That was actually pretty funny.

The ghost of a smirk play around Ward's mouth and he says,

"Time and place, Teen wolf."

Then he walks out before Jay can respond.

Jay makes a growling sound, I turn around to see that his hands have been curled into fists. He shakes his head at me and says,

"I still think he's a prick."

I reach over to pat Jay's arm consolingly,

"Oh, he definitely is. Hot though, right?"

Jay flushes, which is the cutest thing ever, especially since he's so freakin' big now.

"Did you just ask me if I think Edward Cullen, your ex-boyfriend, a vampire, my natural enemy, is hot?"

I grin up at Jay,

"No. I asked if you think Edward the guy you were just making out with is hot."

"You're an evil little unicorn. And a detriment to my mental health." Jay grumbles. He jerks his chin in Edward's general direction. "You both are."

"Now, now, no need to get your fluffy Viking panties in a twist." I tease, openly enjoying myself now that there's no imminent pressure.

Jay just rolls his eyes and pushes lightly at my shoulder.

"Shoo." He says. "Go make sure Bella hasn't overdosed on her own low self-esteem."

I bite back a laugh, because it isn't funny. Not really. Jay and I both know how not-funny real depression actually is. But joking about our own mental illnesses has always been our go-to when things get too uncomfortable.

I fall back on that now by saluting Jay with two fingers and striding out of the kitchen. I'm pretty sure Jay wasn't just making up an excuse when he said he would call Leah. She's in town for the week, and after some cajoling she agreed to look after Coda tonight so he wouldn't be surrounded by Bella drama. That kid is way too special to be forced to deal with all our semi-adult bullshit.

I make my way upstairs and take out my phone. I send off a text to Beany.

**How goes it my GBF?**

_Did you just call me your Gay Best Friend? Because if so, I feel objectified and I will not stand for it._

**Um, I'll have you know I meant _Great_ Best Friend, so, ha. Who's homophobic now dickhead?**

_I'm pretty sure we're both getting confused about what homophobia actually is. Also, you are so full of shit._

**And you are so full of dick. BOOM!**

_HA! Says the one with TWO boyfriends!_

**They aren't both my boyfriends!...I don't think.**

_Yeah, maybe you should check back with them on that. Are they each others boyfriends?_

**NO!...I'm not sure.**

_Do they want to be? Like with each other? Or with you?_

**I….well….um….just…stuff is a bit…..I DON'T KNOW!**

_Well you are just a never ending gobstopper of correctly appropriated information today._

**Are you getting snippy with me, you fabulous bitch?**

He's definitely getting huffy over here.

I blink in surprise at the text from an unknown number. Wait, hold on, is that Elmo's number?

**Elmo?**

The one and only.

**Are you over at Beany's house?**

Yeparoo.

I decide to momentarily ignore the insanity of that response and text back,

**Still? I left _hours_ ago.**

We started talking and then we watched Footloose and Grease and Grease 2.

Oh my Budduah, I do not have the brain capacity for this conversation.

I text Beany.

**Why did you watch Footloose with the fluffy short shorts teen who could?**

Wow, are you comparing me to Thomas the tank engine?

**No. I'm comparing you to the brave little toaster. Way better.**

The brave little toaster is BOSS!

**For real though. Where's Beany?**

Gone. I think maybe he fell in the bath again.

Again? How could he have fallen in the bath once let alone on multiple occasions? I mean, he has with me, like, twice, but those were specific situation that included the bath. Why would Beany and Elmo be using the bath? Unless that's just an excuse…..

**BEANY! Are you dead? Did the fluffy boy kill you? ANSWER ME!**

_I WAS JUST IN THE TOILET! God, woman, take the panic levels down a few notches._

**You watched Grease with my Elmo.**

_I did._

**Why?**

_Because he said he'd never watched a musical movie._

**Not even High school musical? He's young enough for that right?**

_He's not that young._

**He's younger than us and we're already pretty young, Beany.**

_Yeah, but once you get to know him he's actually really interesting and weirdly mature too._

Well, good to know my observation skills are still in working order. I knew there was something going on between them earlier.

**Holy shit! You like him! You like tween wolf!**

_Fuck off. No I don't. He liked Grease 2 better than Grease!_

**WHAT? Blasphemy!**

I just thought the story-line was more interesting. And the main guy was hot. British and hot.

**Elmo has a point there.**

_All you two care about is hot guys. It's despicable._

**No, that's not true. I care about books. And ice cream.**

I also care about hot girls.

_Oh for fucks, he's bisexual! You know how I feel about **those** kinds of people._

**You are such a biphobe. A biphobic gay man, how is that even a thing?**

_It's just greedy. I say pick a side of the fence and stay on it._

What fence?

**The imaginary sexuality fence.**

There's a fence for that?

**Some people call it a scale, but scale, fence, tape measure, whatever you want to call it.**

Can I call it a sexuality tree?

For fucks sake how does my life keep coming back to sex with trees?

**No. That's stupid. Has there been any sign of the lost Weasley?**

Nope. Just me and Eric.

**Alright, well, play safe you two.**

_Wait, hold on, someone just knocked on my window._

**Your window? Why not the door? What the hell?**

_It's Mike._

Of course it is.

**What does Goldy want?**

He says he's written a poem for Eric. I should go say hello. I want to hear the poem too.

Part of me so wants to be there right now, but another part of me is so very glad that I'm _not_. I'm gonna get in serious trouble later with Beany for not telling him about the epic love poem thing.

He's glaring at me.

**Glare back. Stand your ground Elmo and face down the Goldfish white boy. 'I am a badass fluffy boy in jean short shorts, hear me bark.' That is your mantra.**

_You KNEW about this didn't you!_

**Is it a good poem?**

_I will have my vengeance!_

Now he's glaring at Eric because he's texting you instead of listening to the poem.

**I repeat, is it a good poem?**

I don't know. Do good poems talk about 'fiery gay loins' and 'candy cane love'?

**GET ME A COPY OF THAT MOTHEREFFING POEM ELMO! I MUST KNOW THE MAGIC OF THIS MOMENT!**

_I blame you for the entirety of this situation._

I asked if I could get a copy and he flipped me off.

**Tell him it's for Ever.**

I get a text from Goldy,

*-I'll laminate you a copy tomorrow-*

YES!

**Thank you Goldy!**

*-Ever, who is this kid?-*

**Which kid?**

*-The one who Eric keep smiling at.-*

Whu-oh.

**That's Elmo.**

*-Who the frak is Elmo?-*

Is he asking about me?

_What are you talking about with Mike?_

I'm starting to feel a little bit ridiculous, which is a big thing for me because it usually takes a lot of weirdness for that to happen.

Instead of answering them individually I send out one mass text to all three of my idiot friends.

**Ever Swan's poem-**

**Roses are red**  
**violets are blue.**  
**I am a unicorn**  
**so screw all of you.**

I switch my phone off then and put it in my pocket, figuring I've done enough damage with it for one day.

I go into my room, or, well, technically the Guest room I should say. Bella is curled up on the bed looking pathetic and emo-ish. Not that different from usual really. She's reading a copy of Romeo and Juliet (ha, called it) with a morose look on her face. I genuinely believe that she thinks of herself as Juliet, and JlmnoP as Romeo.

I jump onto the bed, causing Bella bop to bounce. She turns to glare at me, but I'm golden so I just smile back at her.

"You feeling any less jump-off-a-cliff-y?" I ask, reaching over to nab her book so she'll be forced to socially interact with me. Otherwise known as her worst nightmare come to life.

Bella bop sighs heavily, her pale face tightening. She looks right at me and says,

"I miss him, Ever. I can't live without him. I don't _want_ to."

"He's just a guy, Isy." I say wearily, "I know you love him, and I get that, I really do, but he's still just a guy. There are _other things_ in life worth giving a shit about besides John-Paul Cullen."

Bella bop goes from passive to pissed off in an instant. She snarls at me,

"Would you feel that way about Jacob? Or Edward? Would you be able to get over them so easily?"

"Yes. And no." I say carefully, trying not to rise to the bait, because it won't help for me to lose my rag right alongside Bella. "It would never be _easy_. But if they left," and fuck it hurts to even think about it, "I would find a way to move on with my life. I would have to. You can't make your life better by being miserable about things that are out of your control."

And yes, folks, I learnt that bit of preachy knowledge during therapy. Huzzah!

"You don't understand." Bella huffs. She moves into a sitting position and pulls her knees up to her chest.

"How do I not understand?" I ask her, genuinely bewildered.

"Because," Bella grouches, "you're _you_."

Um, what?

"You're gonna need to elaborate on this one sis." I say, poking her on the knee.

Bella slaps my hand away, but only half-heartedly.

"Everything comes easy to you, Ever." Bella says, "It always has. You can make friends whenever you want, and any guy you even look at once falls head over heels in love with you-"

"That really isn't true Bel-"

Bella cuts me off,

"-You get great grades without studying. You're funny, people laugh at your jokes, even though you're weird. Mom and Dad think you're the best daughter in the world, despite everything. You're Dad's favourite for sure. You somehow always manage to fit in without actually ever being part of the crowd. Even though we're twins, you've always been the pretty one, and I don't even get how that works, but it does. People notice you, trust you, care about you. And you don't even need to _try."_

A fist of painful emotion tightens in my gut. Bella is breathing heavily, her eyes wide and desperate. I reach forward and grab her shoulders. I squeeze them and look her dead in the eye when I say,

"Isy, it's great that you think all those things, although I feel kind of weird that you think I'm such a fucking Mary-sue. But you're also forgetting that I'm a diagnosed mentally ill freak who only managed to avoid prison because of my suicide attempt. That's a pretty massive fault to ignore. I know I'm strange and that I annoy you a lot. But I also love you. I love you more than anyone, because you're my twin. And as gooky as it sounds, you're my other half. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you." I grin at her just a little bit, "Besides, I'm only Dad's favourite because you're Mom's favourite."

Bella bop sniffs loudly and peers up at me through her hair.

"Why didn't you tell me about Edward coming back?"

I'm thrown off by the slight change of topic, but I guess I should have expected it.

"He didn't come back for me, you know." I say in response.

"What?" Bella bops face creases into a confused frown. "Who else would he have come back for?"

Ok, well that's gonna be hard to explain. How can I tell Bella about something I barely understand myself?

"Um, well….you see…." Yep this is going about as well as I expected, "the thing is…."

So I tell her. I tell her about Jay and Ward becoming friends. I tell her about me finding out about it and about them having 'feelings' for each other. I tell her about me having sex with Ward and then Jay finding out and our stupid fight that turned weird. And I tell her about our three way make out session. I thought about leaving that part out, but then I figured Bella bop would already think I was an idiot for all the other stuff anyway.

When I'm finally done, Bella just sits there, staring at me. Then….

"You can never just do anything normally can you?" Bella bops says, shaking her head with a look of disbelief on her face.

"Apparently not." I mumble with a half shrug.

"But…I mean," Bella bop struggles for the right words, "you couldn't just be involved in a normal freakin' love triangle like an ordinary person-"

"I'm quite sure ordinary people don't get involved in love triangles. Not in real life anyway-"

Bella bop waves a hand, dismissing my words as unimportant, so I shut up.

"So, let me get this right, instead of being involved in a love triangle, which kind of makes sense, you thought the better option would be to become involved in a triage relationship, which is insane." To be honest I'm impressed that she even knows what a triage relationship is. I _knew_ those erotica Harlequin novels were hers. She denied it of course, but I hardly think _Charlie_ reads erotica about well hung Pirate captains and hairy Lords of the manor and old fashioned whore house orgies.

And if he does then that is definitely a conversation starter I'll be using as soon as possible.

I tap her nose and say,

"Don't forget that one of them is a wolf shifter and the other one is a vampire. That makes it all even stranger."

"Really?" Bella bop gets her snark on, "I think it's **_you_** who makes everything stranger."

I place a hand over my heart and say,

"Wow, Isy, burn. I have officially been burnafied to my very core."

Bella bops looks like she's gearing up for more undignified sass, of which I very much approve, when Jay practically front rolls into the room. The bedroom door hits the wall hard enough to crack. He has a stony look on his face, but I think I can see the slight panic screaming out from underneath that mask of deception.

I turn to look at him properly, and Bella almost fall off the effing bed from shock.

"Jay, where's the fire?" I say, a knot of worry forming in my chest.

Jay's eyes flicker between me and Bella warily.

"We have a problem." Jay looks pointedly at Bella and adds, "A Cullen problem."

Oh good, because I was worried things were about to get boring around here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Message to everyone who commented-THANK YOU MY UNICORN BRETHREN! I adore you humany type thingies, truly I do! xxx  
> A/N-I know, I know, I KNOW! It's been ages. I apologise. I wish I could say I've been on a super secret space mission working undercover for aliens as a human spy. But that would be a lie...or would it? Shazam!...I could so be a spy. x  
> Thank you to everyone for reading, please, PLEASE, review! xx


	17. Verdict

So, to cut a long-ass boring story short, Jlovin'P has officially proven that it is possible to out-emo the teenage disaster that is Bella bop. I know, I was shocked too. Clearly I was wrong all this time and those two morons are meant to be together. I shall never forgive myself for getting in the way of what is obviously _tru wuv_. The truest _tru wuv_ that has ever existed outside of a Disney movie for sure. How could I, monster that I am, think for even a second that JpingpongP and the Emosaurus rex were anything but perfect for each other?

JlamaP has only gone and announced, because oh yeah of course it would be a fucking _announcement_ , that he is flying off to Rome or whatever to visit the not-so-secret secret vampy police. Or, the 'Fang Cops'. Yes, I like that. Fang Cops. I should get t-shirts made.

Ward got a call from Pixie-possum saying that she saw a 'vision' of Bella trying to off herself. She told Queen Bee. Queen Bee put on her bitch cape and told JplatypusP, causing him to flounce off in a huff and make the super smart decision of asking the Fang Cops to kill him. Apparently JP's life revolves around my twin sister and he doesn't give a shit about Edward. Of course that can't possibly be true. I know JackinaboxP loves Edward, just like I know Isy the emo loves me. But that doesn't seem to stop them from trying to commit weirdly off kilter suicide in the name of _wuv_.

We should all scoff in unison. Maybe that would make an impression on one of them. I'm not gonna be delusional and say both of them can be saved from the pit of emodom. Having hope that one half of the _tru wuv_ couple might stop being silly is already pushing the boundaries of what is and what is not possible as it is.

I really wish we hadn't told Bella about the situation because of course she insisted on going with Edward to Rome so he could knock some sense back into his brother. I argued that you can't knock back in what was never there to begin with. I got evils from Bella bop for that one. She does not like anyone dissing her man bitches.

Ward had to go, and he reluctantly agreed to take Isy the emo. I'm going now as well, for two reasons. One, because Edward needs someone to help him who isn't a twit (Bella), and two, because I have to make sure the before mentioned twit won't get herself killed by the Fang Cops for being too annoying, or whatever it is they execute humans for over there.

I can't deny I'm also sort of interested in meeting the Fang Cops, if for no other reason than to ask them who came up with the 'sparkles in sunlight' gag. Seriously, I need to _know_. Edward is bereft of information on that score, but I figure the vampy bosses have to know something about it. In fact if I could meet the person who made that particular sparkly decision then that would be great. I'd like to shake their hand in thanks for creating something truly ridiculously funny. Whoever it was, they were clearly a comedic genius of the highest degree.

On the flight over Bella bop was twitchy as hell. Edward was almost as bad, but for different reasons. Ward was worried about two people instead of one. Or three actually. Me, Jay and his brother. Me, because I'm about to be introduced to Vampdirection for the first time. His brother, because JmooP is obviously an idiot. And Jay, because we had to leave him behind in Forks with all the furry short shorts lovers. And Eric.

I've instructed Beany to keep Jay company and to make sure he doesn't panic too much over me and Ward being gone. He texted me not that long ago, but I was too busy trying to keep control over Bella bop and Ward to look. We're right outside Vampdirection's clubhouse now. We caught JlocoP in time to stop him from flashing his sparkly chest to some red-riding hood enthusiasts. It was one of the strangest moment in existence, I swear. Isy the emo ran towards JpopP in slow motion and they embraced awkwardly. God, is everything in their relationship extremely uncomfortable? It looks that way to me.

I had to stay behind with Ward to help him hold up the giant black umbrella we brought so that Ward could move around in the sun without going full on unicorn poop _sparkles._ We looked ridiculous. It was _amazing_.

Anyway, now Ward, JcaravanP, Bella and I are being herded inside by members of Vampdirection's posse for a backstage meet with the band.

I take out my phone, because there's only so much staring you can do at ancient stone tunnels before it gets tedious, and check the message from Beany.

**Where's the best place to buy Jenga?**

I would say I'm surprised by the random question, but that would be a lie. We've discussed Jenga before. At length. I argued the superiority of Ker plunk once and Beany threatened to disown me. Man takes his indoor games seriously. I respect that in a man. And a bestie. We all should.

I reply,

_Why do you need to buy it? What's wrong with your Jenga? Were you robbed?_

**My Jenga is fine, it's not for me. Hot fudge cake needs his own Jenga set.**

_I've been telling Jay that for months and he always refused. Now I go out of town for, like, a DAY, and all of a sudden it's 'lets go buy Jenga'? Slap him for me._

**I can't slap him. He's too big. And we haven't reached that point in our relationship where we can just hit each other for no reason.**

_Then delegate for fucks sake._

**Comissioned Embry. He did it. Hot fudge cake is making a frowny face.**

_Good. Wait, why is Elmo with you?_

**He came over to see Hot fudge cake.**

_Is it just the three of you and Coda?_

**Nah, Leah is here too.**

Jesus fucking Christ, they're having a party without me. Rude. And a _Jenga_ party no less. Even ruder.

_Is Jay ok?_

A dramatic pause, and then,

**Leah told him he doesn't have any of the gay.**

I don't even know where to start with that.

_I think making out with a guy when you are a guy automatically gives you some gay street cred._

**Do I have gay street cred?**

_Dude, you are Forks' resident gay-maffia boss. You have ALL the gay street cred. Hell, you're king of the gay._

**It's lonely at the top.**

_Goldy could be a member. His gay poet skills are legend._

**Oh yeah, I still need to yell at you for that!**

_I thought it was a very moving piece of literature. A masterpiece even._

**In what world is 'when two penis' meet, gay love is born' a masterpiece of anything, let alone literature?**

_Oh my smurfs! That's the title isn't it?_

**Yes it fucking is. And the 'poem' only gets weirder from there.**

_I MUST READ THAT POEM! THE EPICNESS OF IT MUST BE KNOWN BY ME!_

**NEVER!**

_Too late, Goldy is sending me a copy._

**NNNOOOOOOOOOO! I WILL BURN EVERY COPY AND THEN I WILL MURDER MIKE SO THAT THE POEM WILL BE LOST FOREVER!**

I get a text from Jay.

Why did you tell Embry to hit me?

_I didn't. I told Beany to hit you. He delegated the task to Elmo._

Alright. Why did you tell Beany to hit me?

_One word. Jenga._

Fuck. Jenga.

_You fuck Jenga._

Stop telling people to hit me.

_Stop doing things that make people want to hit you._

I have no control over the Jenga!

_Apparently you have no control over the gay either._

Someone nudges my arm. I think it's Edward.

I look up and realise that I'm being stared at by Ward, Isy the emo, her equally as emo lover Jpoppin'P, some blond bint, and two other assholes who's names I've already filed away in my brain under 'Don't shive a git'.

I raise a hand and wave at them.

Ward looks like he can't decide whether to be pissed off or worried or amused. I think his brain might explode if he tries to feel too many things at once.

I smile innocently at Ward and say,

"Leah doesn't think Jay has enough of the gay. Also, we need to buy Jenga."

Ward chokes. Honest to God _chokes_.

I have to pat Ward on the back a few times before he can stop attacking the air with his frantic non-breathes. When Ward's finally calmed down enough to stop being ridiculous, he holds out his hand, gesturing at my phone.

I roll my eyes and hand it over. Ward puts my phone in his pocket. Bastard.

Ward arches an eyebrow at me and says,

"Jacob likes kissing me."

"I've noticed." I reply drolly.

"And I'm male."

"That too, I had noticed."

"I'm quite sure that's enough gay to be getting on with, yes?" Ward remarks amicably.

I mock salute him and say,

"Agreed."

Ward winks at me and reveals one of his very rare smirks. That sexy motherfucker. Thoughts of the makeout/groping session between me, Ward and Jay invade my mind. Even just images of Jay and Ward kissing and touching is hot as hell to me. Like, _seriously_ hot. I've never really thought I'd be into that, but apparently I'm finding out new stuff about myself these days.

My phone buzzes again from inside Edward's pocket. Ward looks at me, I grin at him. We both blatantly ignore our twins and the Vampdirection posse even as we walk towards our collective doom.

Ward takes out my phone and reads the text message aloud to me.

"EMERGENCY! Jenga attack! Abort mission! Abort, abort!"

"From Beany?" I ask.

"Got it in one." Ward quips with a huff of laughter. His expression becomes serious again when he asks, "Is Jacob alright?" He sounds so protective, like if I said Jay wasn't alright he would somehow teleport to be by Jay's side.

I place a hand on Edward's arm. It feels good to be near him. Comforting, even though his every touch still sends shock waves of electricity through my nerve endings.

"Jay isn't alone. He has Beany and Elmo and She-wolf Leah. They'll look after him." I say kindly.

Ward takes my hand and squeezes it. Despite his cold skin, warmth pools in my stomach. He smiles gratefully down at me. But his eyes are hard and unrelenting. With thick emotion behind his every word, Ward says,

"I just cannot fucking handle the thought of something happening to him whilst we're gone. Jacob _and_ Coda." His scowl would be frightening if I didn't know him and the reasons behind his genuine ire.

I love Edward for caring so much about Jay and Coda. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help it. Whatever's going on between the three of us, it's more powerful than anything else I've ever known in my life.

I squeeze Ward's hand, clasping it tightly. It feels familiar and right to be touching Ward, to find comfort in each other like we once would have so easily. Our deep set connection comes with heavier baggage this time, but I would still argue that it's worth holding onto with every bit of strength we posses.

I say, forcing confidence into my voice even though I don't completely believe in it,

"Yeah, well, we'll get through this bullshit, then we'll go home and work out our...situation. Jay will be waiting when we get back home to Forks."

I need Jay to be there. Not just for me, but for Ward too. We're connected now. All three of us. I don't know what the hell we're going to do about that, but for now I'm glad to feel part of something bigger and more important than just myself.

**Jacob's POV**

Ok, I'm gonna break this down for you, mostly because I still can't actually believe how much insanity I've allowed into my life. Only a little over a year ago it was just me and my son Coda. We got up, I took my mandated crazy pills, Coda had breakfast, there was playtime, lunch time, work for me, mischief and Disney movies and bedtime stories and bath time and passing out exhausted. Again, for me. I don't know if I was happy, but I was definitely content with my self-imposed isolation, and of course having Coda made all the hard work worth it ten times over.

Now, though...well now there's still me and Coda and all that other stuff. But, there's also Ever, my insanely extraordinary girlfriend, who might not actually _be_ my girlfriend. Maybe. Who the hell knows? Either way, I'd drown without her. And then, of course, there's Edward. _Fuck_ , but yeah, there's Edward now too. Edward. The only other person who turns me inside out just by being himself. A vampire who wants to hurt me. A man who never would.

So, yes, things have changed. I haven't felt this much off balance and out of control since Coda was born. Actually, I never felt like I had much control over anything in my life. Being bipolar just kind of cinched the deal. It was like the universes' way of saying _'yeah, I think you're fucked up too, now try and deal with it better than your mother_ '. I try very hard not to think of my Mom most of the time. But it's difficult not to compare my situation with Marissa's, especially when Ever and Edward aren't around to remind me that I'm not her. That I will never be _her_. I could be though. I so easily could be, and even the thought of that makes me feel sick.

My Mom got pregnant with me when she was young, not as young as I was when Coda was born, but young enough that it was definitely a problem. She had my Dad though, and he loved her in a way I never loved Coda's mother Dalia. I feel guilty for that even now. Dalia shouldn't have had to die giving birth to a baby at age thirteen because a messed up kid she befriended, against everyone's better judgement, including her own, didn't know what the fuck he was doing when they had sex.

I can't take it back, because Coda is my world. But I can wish things had turned out differently. I'm not sure what would have been right in the long run, but Dalia deserved better than what happened back then. Coda deserves better than what's happening now. I don't know what I deserve, or if it even matters anymore.

I'd like to think that I am deserving of Ever's love and Edward's…'interest'. I'm not sure about that though. Ever was Edward's before she was mine, and I have no real claim to Edward either. To be honest, I don't know what I'll do if, by some divine miracle, either of them decide to stick around when they get back from Rome.

I can be the bigger man. I can send Edward away and break up with Ever. I can give the two people who keep me sane back what they had before I ever got between them. I can choose to back down and hide in the shadows like I have been for the past few years since Coda was born. Or, if I'm being truthful, almost my entire life.

My Dad says I was always a secretive child. Always shy. Always watchful, rather than interactive like the other boys my age who lived within the reservation. Possibly that should have been a clue for me and for them. I would never be their version of normal. When Coda came into my life I think I finally lost the will to even pretend anymore.

Maybe that's what having a child is supposed to do; wipe away all the bullshit you held onto from your childhood. Or destroy your ability to fake being whoever anyone else wants you to be. If your child is a reflection of you, then what's the point in lying to the outside world when they can clearly see the lie through the eyes of the little boy standing at your side?

"Dude, you're totally spacing right now." Embry waggles his hand in front of my face and I resist the urge to growl at him.

I turn to look at my old friend. He has an annoying grin on his face that makes me want to smash it with a pillow. If Ever was here she'd do just that without even really thinking about it. Edward would just stare, maybe give Embry one of his patented 'your existence is bothersome' looks. He's got quite a few of those. I don't think it's a vampire thing, I think Edward is just grumpy.

He was definitely in a pissy mood when he fucked off last night with Ever to go rescue his brother from committing vampire suicide for reasons that still don't make much sense to me. But then, I'm not a moody emo vampire, as Ever would say, so what the hell do I know about anything?

I asked Ever and Edward to keep me updated as much as possible whilst they're gone. Ever called about an hour ago to tell me they just landed. Ever sounded… _off_ over the phone. Like something was wrong. Really wrong. I thought about asking her about it, but I knew Ever wouldn't admit to anything unless it was face to face.

I have tried my best to stay calm and not panic over it all, but I think we all know how much of an epic fail that was always going to be. I've already worried myself into getting a fucking intense migraine. I wasn't even aware I could still _get_ migraines. You know, what with the whole 'shapeshifter' thing. You'd think if I have to turn into a giant wolf then I'd at least get some supernatural perks. For example, not feeling like my head will explode every time someone near me breathes too loudly. And by 'near me', I mean within a one hundred mile radius, and by 'too loudly' I mean at all.

Unfortunately at the moment my home has currently been invaded by Embry, Eric and Leah. Eric is here because Ever called him and asked her friend to come and keep an eye on me. Of course Eric didn't actually say that when he showed up with an armful of DVD's and sweets for Coda. Due to the sweets, Eric became Coda's new favourite human in the whole world, if not the universe, and was immediately dragged off to play 'pirate frogs in space'.

I understand Ever's motivations in sending Eric over, and I _like_ Eric so it's not exactly a hardship to have him here, but even so. It makes me feel a bit ill that Ever thinks I need a babysitter just because she isn't here to help me.

I mean, I kind of do need a babysitter. I pretty much proved that by running off like a little bitch and jumping off a cliff, even if it was just to save Bella. But that's not the point.

I'm not ultimately sure what the point actually _is_. I'll have to get back to you on that front.

Embry is here because Eric texted him to say where he was, and Embry insisted on coming over. I'm now conflicted as to whether Embry came to see me, or if he just wanted to spend time with Eric. Either way it's not a problem, but if it is the latter, then he and I might need to have a really awkward and uncomfortable conversation. I can't decide if I should bring up the gay thing, because I really do need someone to talk to about that, or the fact that Eric is Ever's best friend and if Embry does anything to hurt him then I will kick Embry's ass.

I do like Eric, he's a good guy, and Ever loves him. That's enough for me to feel protective of him. Plus Ever's told me enough about Eric's past with his ex, Mike, to make me worry for both Eric and Embry. It's really not my business in the end, but I'll just blame my fatherly instincts for wanting to shelter them both. Ever would probably laugh mockingly and accuse me of acute nosiness. Edward would most likely be just as protective towards Eric as I am, for the same reasons.

God, I really do have too many people intimately involved in my life whose names start with the letter 'E'. You might argue that four people is not that many. But you need to consider that until very recently I was in the middle of a serious self-imposed isolation period. I quite literally went weeks, hell _months_ , without speaking to anyone but my own son, and as much as I love the little nuisance, conversations with a small child can only go so far in terms of social interaction.

Now it feels like there are people coming in and out of my home all the damn time. It's not altogether a negative experience, but I'm not really sure how to handle it yet. Sometimes it's easier just to be alone. That way the only person you're disappointing is yourself.

I have a feeling Ever won't let me slink back and disappear again even if I wanted to. Not unless I do something big, and possibly awful, to push her away. I don't think I have it in me to hurt Ever on purpose. Not even if it were for her own good. I'm not as strong as Ever. I don't think anyone could be without going through what Ever did.

Leah is here because Embry texted her saying there was a party at my house. When Leah showed up I confiscated her phone. Leah complained and there was a small revolt from the masses i.e. Eric, Embry, Leah and Coda. I responded by confiscating all of their phones. Three weirdoes in my home playing with my son is quite enough madness for one enclosed space thank you. If I'd allowed them to continue then I would have ended up with half the reservation in my house, as well as a group of teenagers from the high school. I don't like teenagers. No one does. Teenagers don't even like teenagers. Truth.

I'm not a social butterfly, ok. If anything I am a social moth. And that is as far as it goes.

I am now in my living room surrounded by:

-My son, who is dressed up as a pirate with green paint on his face and a tin foil hat (I assume that's where the 'space frog' part comes in).

-Leah who has put in the DVD for Titanic and is now rewinding and rewatching that scene where the guy falls and hits the propeller over and over again. (Arguably the funniest scene ever in a movie that also includes hundreds of people dying at the end).

-Eric, who built a fort out of pillows and blankets. Although I was reliably informed by my son that it is not a 'fort'. He said the word 'fort' with such disdain, as if the word itself had wronged him in some way. I asked if the 'not-fort' was actually the pirate space frog's space ship. Eric's 'well _duh_ ' was uncalled for, but probably deserved considering the stupidity of my question.

-Embry, who is currently poking me in a way that would earn him a punch to the face if Coda wasn't in the room. I may give him a discreet smack around the ear if he keeps this up though. Or I could just bite him, see how that goes. In a wolfy way obviously, not like a sexual advance. Although, coming on to Embry would probably freak him out a lot more than any form of violence. I am aware of what the other wolves think of me. I was never the type to talk about sex and girls even before Coda was in my life. I think I was just too wrapped up my own personal shit to care about sex, which as a young boy is probably weird. I'm certainly making up for it now by having two potential lovers. Am I too young to call someone my 'lover'? Yeah, I definitely am. Oh well fuck it then.

-Way too many kittens chewing and clawing at things and basically destroying my cottage one evil meow at a time. Little shits. I should just go full on dog and eat them all. But then Coda would have me assassinated and everyone would help him cover it up because they like him better. As they should. He is already a better human than me.

"Em, if you touch my face again I will _sit_ on you." I warn my friend without actually looking at him. My voice goes a bit too deep, and I think I'm using what Ever calls my 'Dad' voice. She gets a serious kick out of it for some reason.

Embry immediately backs down, officially cowed. He bares his throat to me, not enough for it to be obvious that that's what he's doing, but enough that I understand the gesture. God knows Embry has no real reason to fear or respect me, but if he's willing to play the part then I don't mind obliging him. I reach over and ruffle Embry's hair good naturedly. Embry slaps me away, laughing.

"You are such an angry bunny, Jake." Leah says, arching a sardonic eyebrow at me.

Eric rolls out of his hidey hole of pillows and moves to pick up a can of soda from the coffee table. Coda is still inside the 'not-fort' taking a nap. I should probably wake him up otherwise he won't sleep very well tonight. But he didn't sleep hardly at all last night either. He stayed downstairs in the living room with me, waiting for news from Edward and Ever. I couldn't sleep knowing that two people I cared about so much were meeting with a dangerous council of ancient, powerful, vampires. Without me.

There was no way I could have gone though. First of all, because I would never leave Coda behind, and I _definitely_ wouldn't take him to such a dangerous place. Secondly, I doubt the Vulturi would take kindly to a wolf entering their domain alongside a number of both vampires and humans. The pack would never allow the Vulturi to enter their lands without putting up a fight. I know what those monsters think of humans. I can't imagine their opinion of my kind is much better, if not worse.

Fucking _vampires_. Complicating my life unnecessarily. I'd hate them all on principle alone if it weren't for, well, _Edward_. Against all odds, the strange son of a bitch has grown on me. I like him, and I like having him around. My kid loves the crap out of him. My girlfriend loves him. I….feel… **something** for him. What that something actually _is_ ….I'm not totally sure yet.

I frown sternly at Leah and say,

"I am not angry. And I'm definitely not a _bunny_."

"Christ, the man has a thing against bunnies." Eric says from behind his can of soda. He smiles placatingly at me when my gaze flickers over to rest on him.

"I do not have a thing against bunnies!" I say, getting ever so slightly exasperated.

"You _are_ **pissy** though." Leah argues with conviction.

"Why would you be pissy about bunnies?" Eric asks, his brow furrowing.

"I am not pissy about bunnies! I'm not pissy about _anything_." It feels like a lie coming out of my mouth, but I'm honestly not sure what else to say. Attempting to talk about any of my real issues seems like a terrible idea given the current mix of company.

"It's because he's having sexual identity issues." Embry tells Leah knowingly.

I think I preferred the bunny angle of this conversation. But I don't say anything to defend myself. There isn't much point. I'm aware that Eric must know about my….incidents with Edward, because Ever would have told him. Embry is the one who brought up the issue, so it's not like I can argue with him without starting a stupid argument I would rather not have. Plus, none of these people will judge me. Well, maybe Leah, but she's unpredictable at the best of times, so I won't presume to guess what she'll say or do in response to Embry's statement.

Leah's eyes widen in surprise, but not quite shock, and she gives me an appraising look. She peers closer at my face and tilts her head to one side in thoughtful contemplation. I await her verdict.

Finally Leah shrugs one shoulder, makes a face, and says,

"Are you sure? I don't really sense any of the gay about you."

That certainly confuses me for good few seconds. I'm not sure what 'the gay' is supposed to mean, or if I should be offended in some way for being accused of apparently not having any of it.

" _The gay_ Leah?" I ask, still genuinely bewildered, "How could you sense _the gay_ in someone? And what even is _the gay_?"

Leah shrugs again, completely non-plussed. She points at Eric and says,

"Well, you know, Eric practically vibrates with the gay. His soul probably has glitter in it." I turn to look at Eric, waiting to see how he'll respond to this…..potentially offensive remark?

Eric narrows his eyes at Leah for a moment, but then he pulls a thoughtful expression and mirrors Leah's half shrug from earlier.

"You're undoubtedly right. The gay is strong in this one." Eric gestures at himself with a dramatic wave of his hand.

"I sense a disturbance in the gay." Embry says, snorting out a laugh. Eric laughs too, and they both start making lewd gay star wars puns.

I tune them out for the sake of my ever dwindling sanity and refocus on Leah. She's busy rolling her eyes at Eric and Embry who are now giggling about homophobic storm troopers and dildo light sabres, but she looks at me when I ask,

"Do you think it's possible to be attracted to just two people?"

Leah appears to think about that for a long while before replying,

"You mean, like, two _types_ of people, or just two _specific_ people?"

I run a hand through my hair and sigh wearily. This isn't a conversation I'd planned on having with Leah, or with anyone really if I could help it, but I've been driving myself mad trying to deal with the Ever and Edward situation on my own. I'm in desperate need of a third party opinion, and it looks like Leah is it. I'm not very optimistic about what the outcome of this will be.

I take deep breath and attempt to explain,

"I mean, Ever Swan is the only girl I've ever felt physically attracted to in my life. I thought at first it was because she's… **special**. It made sense to me that I wanted her and no one else because I've always loved her. But then I met Edward and….." I hesitate before continuing, but Leah doesn't look disturbed or disgusted, so I take that as a good sign. It's practically a fucking miracle actually, "….there was something between us from the very beginning. Even when we still hated each other, or at least we thought we did." The more I think back on that time, the more convinced I become that Edward and I used our mock hatred to cover up other things. Other instinctive reactions. Like attraction. Like lust. Like pure enfettered _desire._

It probably just goes to show how fucked up we are that the line between violence and lust could become so easily blurred between us.

I push on valiantly, checking first to see if Leah is glaring at me yet. She isn't. Good. This whole thing is going better than I assumed it would.

"I've never thought about another guy before Edward, and I still don't think about guys really. I've tried looking at other men or women, but….nothing. Like, I can tell when someone is attractive, obviously, I'm not an idiot. I don't feel anything towards them though. I just want….Ever. And now Edward too." I admit, partly out of frustration. It's a bit of relief to say it all out loud.

"So," Leah starts, her eyes focused completely on me with an almost disturbing amount of concentration, "what you're saying is that you might like both boys and girls, but you're only _attracted_ to _one_ particular girl and _one_ particular boy."

"Yes!" I say with probably far too much enthusiasm.

I should probably also point out that no one in their right mind, or even in their wrong mind as I most surely am, would call Edward a 'boy'. Weirdo, sure. Pale weirdo, most definitely. Pale, annoying, weirdo, yeah, me, _I_ call him that. I'd never describe him as a 'boy' though. I know technically Edward has the body of a seventeen year old, which makes us both physically younger than Ever. A creepy thought I never want to have again by the way.

But Edward is _not_ a teenage boy. He's just moody. And ever so slightly over dramatic with his emotions sometimes. And depressingly angry at life, as all teenagers tend to be. Unless they are teenage fathers, then they have plenty of other things to hate instead. Like child safety gates. Fuck those things man. Seriously.

The gates I mean. Not the children. That would be an entirely different level of wrong.

Leah eyes me warily for a few seconds, and then says,

"Sounds kinda weird. But then, you are weird, so maybe that fits."

I give her the driest look in the entire universe.

"Thank you, Leah, for your unwavering support and sensitivity about my complex feelings in regards to my sexuality."

Leah grins widely at me and reaches over to pat my knee.

"You're very welcome."

"And you're not funny. I'm having an actual crisis here." I say, closing my eyes tightly. That fucking migraine is creeping back in again. I want to smash face against a wall. And that has nothing to do with the migraine. Plus, I have a kitten curled up on head. Two on my stomach. And another one climbing up my jean clad leg. Tiny kitten claws are a bitch.

Eric and Embry have finally stopped rolling around on the floor in fits of very unmanly giggles. Now they're both looking at me with a mixture of sympathy and genuine interest. I'm not sure which one makes me feel more exposed and uncomfortable.

Leah makes another face at me and says,

"It's only complicated if you _make_ it complicated, Jake. Just be honest and talk to Ever and Edward."

It's such a reasonable response. I hate it.

"What's he supposed to say?" Eric says, looking at me solicitously. He clears his throat and begins speaking in a deep growly voice that I think is meant to be an imitation of me. "' _Hey, stud muffin and the unicorn, I want to bone both of you, like for reals, and I have deep feelings and shit, but since this isn't an erotica novel, which is the only place where triage relationships should ever reasonably exist, how the frak can we decide how this works? Flip a coin? Duel to the death? Jenga?_ '"

"Jenga?" Leah says incredulously, "How would _Jenga_ help them decide anything?"

Eric throws his hands up and starts flapping them,

"I don't know! They could say whoever makes the tower fall has to leave town and never return."

"They should decide who has to leave by playing _Jenga_?" Leah says with a snort of derision.

"The power of _Jenga_ should not be questioned or denied." Eric intones with completely serious expression on his face. "Jenga is fate. Jenga is deific. Jenga is _life_."

"I've never played Jenga before." Embry says pleasantly.

Eric sucks in a gasp and turns to gape in abject _horror_ at Embry.

"How can this be?" Eric shakes his head in disbelief, "What kind of hapless and unfulfilling life have you led to have never once played the game of the Gods?"

Embry is smiling at Eric like he's the best thing in existence ever, and it would be creepy if…no, wait, it definitely _is_ creepy. I might need to have a frank discussion with Embry about the rules in regards to stalking and/or staring without blinking for an inordinate amount of time at someone you like.

I may not know much about dating and shit, but I do know that there is a line between 'I really like you' and 'I made you a necklace out of my chest hair'. It is a line we must all be wary of crossing. I personally believe that both Bella and John-Paul have officially crossed that line by trying to kill themselves for the sake of their epic _cough_ **Really. Fucking. Odd.** **And. Awkward.** _cough_ romance.

"We played with sticks." Embry says brightly, still smiling dopily at Eric, "Does that count?"

Eric's expression becomes even more disturbed. He squeezes his hand into a fist and says firmly,

"No. No, that won't do. That won't do at _all_. I must rectify this situation." Eric turns to me determinedly. "Where is your Jenga set hot fudge cake?"

I'm almost afraid to admit this, but I have no choice but to say,

"Uh, I don't have a Jenga set."

For a moment I think my words do not compute with Eric's brain. Eventually, when what I've said finally sinks in, Eric shakes his head at me as if in disappointment.

" _Really_ hot fudge cake? No Jenga set? Now, what kind of example is that setting for the boy?" Eric flaps his hand in Coda's general direction.

I raise an eyebrow at him and say,

"Um, that his father loved him enough to spend a fortune on Lego instead."

"Huh," Eric scoffs heatedly, "Lego is the antichrist of building blocks."

"I wanna play Jenga." Embry complains, glowering to himself.

Leah pipes up then and admits reluctantly,

"I kind of want to play Jenga now too."

"Jenga is the meaning of life." Eric states resolutely, crossing his arms over his chest in defiance. In defiance of what I have no idea anymore. I've seriously lost track of what's going on.

I slam my hand down onto the coffee table and say decisively,

"That's **it**. The next person who says the word 'Jenga' will be officially banished from the premises for the next ten years."

I look at each of them in turn, making sure they know that I mean it. There will be no more Jenga nonsense in my house.

A sleepy little voice comes from inside the 'not-fort',

"What's _Jenga_ Daddy?"

And that, folks, is how four semi-adults, one four year old, and six kittens ended up going on a road trip to the toy store to buy a Jenga set.

I really need to start associating with normal people. Then maybe ridiculous things would stop happening to me.

Yeah, I'm not holding my breath either.


	18. Volterra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own New Moon. At all. Like, not even a teensy tiny bit. I promise.

When we enter the creepy backstage area, I take a moment to stare unflinchingly at the group of vampires gathered at the very end of the chamber. I am both surprised and not surprised that Vampdirection are almost violently beautiful. Personally I think the Cullen's are more attractive, but that might just be because I know them, and therefore they seem less like cold statues.

There's way too many members of Vampdirection, and so I quickly decide that I'll need a theme for naming them all. I'm pretty hungry right now, and so all I can really think about is that vending machine at the airport I tried to stop at. Bella bop screeched at me that we didn't have time to stop for snacks. I would have ignored her, as is the most sane option when dealing with a deranged emo child, but Edward gave one of his 'looks', and so I walked away, glancing forlornly over my shoulder at the vending machine.

Sometimes a girl just needs some gummy bears, you feel me?

All the members of Vampdirection have red eyes. It looks like a room full of Voldemort's bastard children. Plus they're wearing capes with hoods, a fashion choice I most valiantly support. I think it adds to the evil vibe very significantly. I make a mental note to inform them of my approval at the first opportunity.

"Jane, dear one, you've returned!" One of the pale hoodies exclaims.

Jane, who I had already previously renamed 'Pop rocks' smiles for the first time since she stared inappropriately at us when we arrived here. Hoodie number one swarths over to us like one of those disturbing children from a horror movie who scuttle like crabs. He's an odd duck, I'll say that for free. His face is shaped oddly, and I can't decide if he's actually beautiful or just horrifyingly striking instead.

"Yes Master." Pop rocks simpers, "I brought them back alive, just as you wished."

I hold up a hand and wave it between Pop rocks and Weird Face.

"Quick question. Do you mean 'master' like he's your boss, or 'master' like sexy times?"

"Ever!" Ward barks at me in warning.

I throw my hands up defensively.

"Oh, right, sorry. That isn't any of my business. What you two do in the privacy of your own...bat cave really has nothing to do with me. I was just curious."

I actually hear B-rex slap her forehead. JlamaP shifts a bit closer to my sister, his still open robe revealing way more than I ever wanted to see of Edward's brother. I mean, I know they're twins, so I've technically seen it all already, but still. First thing after we leave here, we're gonna have to stop by one of those concession stands and buy JP a 'Welcome to Rome' t-shirt or something.

Far from appearing offended, Weird Face claps his hands together gleefully and peers at me. He gets way too close in my opinion, and Ward moves to stand just a little bit in front of me. He snarls at Weird Face.

"Ah! Edward!" Weird Face says, sounding no less excited. "You brought Ever and Bella along too! How wonderful."

Yeah, we're all fucking thrilled to be here.

"Bella and I are part of Ward's entourage." I say, angling my body to look at Weird Face from over Edward's shoulder. "I was the only one who remembered to bring an umbrella."

Weird Face tilts his head to the side, giving me an odd look. Or that might just be his face. I don't think anyone would be able to tell either way. That must make playing the staring game with him very interesting. I shall have to challenge him some time. Not right now though. Edward seems to be very on edge for some reason.

"Felix, Alec, Demeteri, thank you for escorting our guests inside, you may stand down now." Weird Face says to the vamps who spent the last ten minutes staring at me and Bella bop very rudely. I already told them I'd be having a word with their supervisor about it. Athough if Weird Face is their supervisor then I think writing a strongly worded letter would be a better option. I could get Beany to write it, he's good at those. The other day he wrote a letter of complaint to our school principal about the unsanitary use of bar soap in the school toilets. We have squeezy bottle soap now.

Flake, Skittles and Twix all bow their heads at Weird Face.

"Yes, Master." Flake intones deeply.

Either Weird Face is definitely the boss, or there's a sex circle situation going on here.

Weird Face turns a...smile?...on JfrogP.

"Now you see, John?" Weird Face says in his strangely melodic voice. "Remember what I said yesterday? Aren't you glad I didn't grant you your wish?"

"We get to make wishes?" I say, for the first time feeling genuinely as excited as Weird Face.

"Only vampires get to make wishes." Ward says to me. His expression is tight, and I can tell he either wants to shout or laugh. Or both. Poor guy is as emotionally constipated as me. But luckily not just normally constipated like John-Paul.

I frown up at Ward.

"That sounds a bit humanaphobic to me."

"That isn't a thing." Ward says with a drawn out sigh.

"It definitely is a thing." I argue. "I know my rights, Ward."

"No you don't." Edward scoffs. Rude.

"I could. You don't know. A lot has changed since you left. I've changed. I could be the kind of person who knows what their rights are. I could have Googled that shit."

"Or Binged it." Isy the emo chimes in.

I raise a hand, blocking Bella bop's face and say plainly.

"Isy, please don't try to help me. You'll just ruin it."

"What's Google?" Weird Face asks in what I believe to be genuine confusion.

"The fountain of knowledge to which all millennials worship." I tell him.

"It's a search engine for the internet, Aro." JwaiferP explains almost apologetically.

Oh my smurfs! Weird Face has a name! I rename him...Jumbo Mint Aero. Just Aero for short.

"What is the...'internet'?" Aero asks, pulling a muddled expression at us.

I gasp in shock and take out my mobile phone. I brandish it like a weapon.

"Ever, put your phone away." Ward orders. "What are you doing?" He looks dismayed and worried.

I pull up YouTube on my phone and attempt to dodge around Ward to get closer to Aero.

"I need to show Aero a video of a cat playing piano! This is very important! Move it or lose it, Ward." I say when Edward tries to stop me from escaping his protection.

"A cat that can play piano?" Aero asks in wonder. "I have never seen such a thing."

"Ward, I am trying to bond with Aero, get out of my way. He's never seen a cat video. That's just...sad." I try to climb over Edward, but only succeed in getting myself into a piggy back position. I huff in frustration as Ward grabs hold of my legs and keeps them pinned wrapped around his waist.

Damn it, Edward really needs to get control of his irrational jealousy every time I try to share cat videos with new friends.

I thrust my phone forward into Aero's face and press play on the cat video. A black and white tabby taps out the tune for three blind mice.

"Very fascinating." Aero says, reaching out to touch the screen of my phone with one pale finger.

I look over to see that the emo couple are staring at me in horror.

"You are a _lunatic_." Bella bop breathes in disbelief.

"You know." JriP says tiredly, "Every time I've tried to describe Ever to someone else they've always accused me of exaggerating. After a year away, I started to think I was exaggerating too. But no. Now I see that I was in fact correct in my descriptions." He shakes his head slightly. "Huh. It's nice to be right I suppose."

I spare a small glare for JramalamaP, but before I can destroy him with an epic burn of unknowable magnitude, my phone buzzes. Aero peers even closer at the screen and then looks up at me. He says,

"Who is Jay?"

Beneath me Edward's body locks up tight. Whoops.

I take my phone back and look down at the text from Jay. It reads 'Embry _set the toaster on fire making pop tarts. Eric flooded my kitchen with the garden hose trying to put out the fire. Leah slipped in the water and dropped the five plates she was carrying for the pop tarts. We now have four broken plates. Coda saved the last one by preforming a swan dive over the table. I take back whatever I said before. We need less friends. Or at least we need friends who won't destroy our house'._

I show the text to Ward, but his focus in on Aero and the other Vampdirection members in the room. He looks about one twitch away from attacking. When this is all over we really need to get him a drink. Maybe vodka.

I'd really like some vodka.

I flash a smile at Aero and answer his question.

"Jay is my boyfriend." I think for a second. "My _other_ boyfriend."

"She has _two_ boyfriends now?" JP asks Bella bop, sounding appalled.

"I don't know why that surprises you." Isy the emo says caustically. "Ever's always doing something weird."

I reach into my pocket and bring out a button that I found on the floor at some point. I named the button Philip. I throw Philip at Isy the emo's head. Philip gets Isy the emo in the eye. Score! Bella bop shriek and ducks out of the way, presumably waiting for more button missiles from me. She presses a hand to her eyes and begins muttering unhappily. JP turns to comfort his fellow emoadite.

Ward growls at me,

"Ever, stop injuring people...was that a button?"

"Yes. His name was Philip." I say huffily, whilst typing out a reply to Jay that reads _'Friends who won't destroy our house? I don't think those kinds of friends exist, Jay. Stop whining and save me a pop tart for when I get home. Save one for Edward too. I know he won't eat it, but I don't want him to feel left out'._

"You can't name a button Philip." Ward says to me. "It sounds stupid."

"Your face _looks_ stupid." I argue, slapping his head.

"You _like_ my stupid face." Ward argues back.

"Well," I say thoughtfully, "I don't actively despise it."

"Close enough." Edward says.

I suddenly wish I could see Ward's face. But I can't because he's taken me hostage on his back.

I glance up at Aero and ask,

"Is Ward making a 'gggrrrr' face? Can you have a look please."

Aero appears somewhat shocked to have been included, but he complies with my request.

"I don't know what a 'ggggrrrr' face is, but he does look decidedly unhappy." Aero says.

"Don't let him fool you." I say. "Sometimes unhappy is just his default expression."

"I'm unhappy." John-Paul says, raising his hand.

"No one cares JP." I say wearily.

"I care." Isy the emo pouts.

"No one cares that you care Isy." I say just as wearily.

"I care that Bella cares." JtacoP says, giving Isy the emo a gross look of wuv. Bleh. So. Much. Bleh.

"No one cares that you care that Bella cares, JP." I say.

"I care that John cares that I care." Isy the emo tries to flutter her eyes lashes at JP but they get stuck and she almost falls over. Somehow.

"No one cares that you care that JP cares that you care, Isy."

"I care a little bit that they both care." Flake says unhelpfully from my left side.

I turn a glare on him.

"You tryin' ta start somefin' wiv me, Flakey?" I challenge in my best gangsta voice.

Flake holds his hands out in front of him, as if warding off an evil spirit. Good. He should be afraid. I could tare his shit up. But I won't. Because I'm nice like that. Also, I don't know what taring someone's shit up would entail as I'm pretty sure I've never done it. And even if I did know how to do it I don't think I should be trying out my new taring shit up skills on a stranger. I should tare up the shit of someone I know. Like Chatty.

"I'm confused by what's going on now." Skittles says from somewhere behind us.

"Don't engage with it, Alec." Twix warns Skittles.

"Who are you callin' 'it' over there Twixy bitch?!" I am outraged. Outraged I say! "Ward, let me down right now. I need to go kick some confectionary vamp ass."

"I am so not going to do that." Ward says.

"Your human definitely has some fire, Edward." Aero says approvingly.

"You have no idea." Edward says, and it does not sound like a compliment.

Just then two more of Voldemort's spawn attempt to make themselves known.

"What exactly is going on over there, Aro?" The blond one, Crunchie calls out. Crunchie looks like the lost Malfoy sibling.

"Marcus, Cauis, I just saw a cat playing the piano! Come and have a look! These are the Cullen twins' human twins." Aero claps his hands again, crooning like an excited three year old.

Neither Marsbar nor Crunchie look at all pleased with our continued existence within their evil lair. I hesitate to call it an evil lair due to the lack of spinny chairs. But since Aero didn't even know about the internet, I doubt he would understand the concept of a spinny chair, so I let them off the hook for that one.

Despite their apparent annoyance however, both Crunchie and Marsbar come over to us.

Marsbard holds his hand out to Aero and Aero takes it. I'm confused by the motion at first, although random hand holding is probably the least weird thing I've seen from these guys today.

"Thank you, Marcus." Aero says to Marsbar. "That is very interesting."

I frown at them in confusion and whisper to Edward,

"Wah?"

Edward finally lets me down off his back. I move to stand at his side and grab onto his arm.

"Aro has a somewhat similar gift to mine and John's. But he needs to be able to touch you to hear your thoughts, and instead of just skimming the edges, Aro can see everything inside your head."

Ohhhh, super creepy and weird.

I fling my hand out in Aero's direction and ask,

"Can I have a turn?"

I regret my request as soon as Aero, Crunchie, Marsbar and the rest of the Fangcops turn their undivided attention over to me. Damn it, I should really learn to curb my mouth's innate need to speak words.

There are obviously some things I'd rather Aero did not see, but I'm quite positive that his skills won't work on me anyway. Edward's don't after all.

Edward takes my hand and pulls me even closer to him. He watches the Fangcops with murderous eyes, practically daring them to touch me.

Marsbar's expression is dead, but I do see a slight edge of frustration pass over his features when he looks at us.

"Marcus can see relationships." Aero explains to me even before I can ask the question. "He's quite amazed by the strength and intensity of yours."

"Well, we aim to amaze." I say dryly. Marsbar does not look impressed, and he definitely does not look anything close to 'amazed', but clearly Aero knows his fellow Fangcop better than I do.

"I have seen from John-Paul's mind that you and Bella are impervious to his and Edward's gift. Would you truly permit me the opportunity to see if you and your sister are an exception to my gift as well?"

I flap my hand around some and say,

"Touch away, Minty."

Edward is stiff beside me, and I know without even looking at his expression that he does not approve of this at all. But it is clear that Aero would demand compliance from me or my sister at some point. I see no reason to prolong the wait.

Aero carefully places his hand on top of mine. His skin feels cold, even colder than Edward's usually does. It forces me to retain a shiver in reaction to his freezingly gentle touch. Like a feather frozen by ice droplets.

I stare into Aero's Voldemort eyes. His expression changes from coolly confident, to confused, incredulous, and then finally polite dismay. He tries to hide his true emotions behind a horribly friendly mask, but I see past it to the violent anger that lingers beneath.

"So very fascinating." Aero says, removing his hand from mine.

Quite suddenlt Marsbar takes another step toward us, his eyes slit in concentration as he stares at me. Edward growls deep in his throat, warning Marsbar off. His eyes flash dangerously.

Aero's steady gaze flickers over to Marsbar. Marbar's own eyes widen slightly, as if a thought has just occurred to him. He immediately turns back to Aero and holds his hand out again. Aero touches Marsbar, and after a moment an expression of wonder appears on his face. His gaze fastens on me again, and this time the look is so intense that I feel the need to back away from him. It's like he's trying to see through me. His eyes dance all over my body, stopping for just a moment as my stomach, before flickering back up to my face.

Almost as exactly the same time, Edward and John-Paul both say the word,

" _No_."

They speak with such open horror that fear strikes violently through me like a bolt of lightning.

"Now that is most definitely interesting." Aero says, still staring at with scary intent. His eyes lock with mine and he asks a question that rocks my world to it's very core, "Ever, dear, were you aware that within you resides a new spark of life?"

A what of _what_?!

He had better not be insinuating what I think he's...I mean...what?...No, seriously...what the fucking FUCK?

I turn to look up at Edward, hoping to see incredulous humour or something on his face, but...he just looks ill. Angry as fuck. And sick to his stomach.

I don't understand. It's not possible. Not at all.

Even if I were...that...it's not...I haven't been with anyone except...

I can't tell if Edward is upset by the idea of me having sex with someone else and becoming...well...you know...or if he's come to same conclusion I have. There's no way I can be...just _no way_. As in literally no way.

Edward is the only person I've had sex with in years, and we only slept together a week ago.

I pin all my hopes on the idea that I'm misunderstanding the situation completely.

"Ever!" Bella bop gasps. It seems she's finally caught up with the rest of us. She's staring at my stomach with a look of confusion on her face. "You're pregnant?" Isy the emo practically screeches. "Seriously? Does Jacob know?"

Oh my fucking God! Jay!

"Shut up, Isy." I snap at my sister. "I am not... _that_. It's not possible." At all. Not possible. At all. At all. At all. At all. Impossible, that's what it is.

"It is indeed quite true, dear Ever." Aero says, making me want to smack him in his vampy mouth. "Marcus was having trouble reading your relationship with Edward because another connection between you and your unborn children were causing some odd patterns that got in the way."

This is not happening. This is so not happening. I am not in a crazy Fangcop lair with a bunch of Voldemort misfits, my emo twin, her emo boyfriend, and my Ward, being told that I am pregnant with an impossible child. Nope. No way. I don't believe it. I refuse to believe it. End of.

Wait...hold on...did he say child ** _ren_**? As in...more than one?

" _Ward_." I whisper, feeling at once as if all the air has been sucked out of my body.

Edward wraps his arms around me, pulling my body tightly against his. He presses his lips to the side of my head. I can feel his body trembling with barely concealed rage. Or maybe that's me. I honestly don't know. Or, to be honest, care.

"I've got you, Ev's." Edward murmurs to me with surprising firmness. "I've got you and I'm never letting go again."

I turn my face into Ward's chest and force back a sob of either relief or...something I can't quite name at the moment.

"Your... _other_ _boyfriend_ shall be quite...pleased?" Aero inquires, cold eyes still studying me.

My gaze darts over to him at that. I realise then with no small amount of relief that Aero believes I am pregnant with a normal child. Or children. Whatever.

"We need to be going." Edward says to Aero, his tone brooking no argument. " _Now_."

JP steps up to support his brother, even though he looks like he wants to club Edward over the head with his shoe.

"I apologise for my actions, Aro." JP says, "It was wrong of me to come here. If you would allow it, my brother and I need to take Bella and Ever home."

"Now, now, there's no reason for you to rush off." Aro says, his tone oddly playful. He looks at Pop rocks and adds, "Jane, dear, would you mind testing out your talent on Bella. We best not test Ever given her current...condition."

"Unless by my 'condition' you mean my willingness and ability to kick Pop rocks' tiny blond ass, then you best take that back." I snarl at Aero recklessly. It's stupid, beyond stupid even, of me to test the Fangcops like this, but I just can't seem to hold myself in check.

"Ah ha, so spirited. I can see why she interests you, Edward." Aero says delightedly.

Ward's grip on me tightens, and I know it's as much about warning me as is reassurance.

"Do not do this!" JwimP growls, placing himself half in front of Isy the emo.

Pop rocks, apparently having run out of fucks to give, turns a devilish smile on JP. JP promptly falls to floor in clear agony. Bella bop gasps and drops to her knees beside. JP writhes on the floor like a wet spider. Edward growls at Pop rocks and makes a move towards her.

Before Edward can attack however, Aero holds up a hand and says,

"Enough Jane."

Pop rocks immediately pulls back and stops hurting JP. Bella bop practically sobs in relief and clutches at her boyfriend.

Edward helps his brother get back up ono his feet. I move to help Isy do the same. All four of us stand side by side, and as close to each other as we can possibly be. Two sets of twins, watching the Fangcops warily for their next move.

Then Pop rocks turns her evil smile on me and Bella bop. For a long time there's nothing but stifling silence. I keep waiting for the pain to envelop either myself or Isy, but it never does.

"End this. Right now." Edward grinds out through gritted teeth to Aero. "Or I will kill your pet psychopath." Meaning Pop rocks.

Aero's expression is hard as flint when he says,

"Calm now Jane dear."

Pop rocks is looking decidedly pissed off. She is not happy about her torture stare malfunctioning.

"Don't be put out dear one." Aero says comfortingly to Pop rocks. "They confound us all."

Pop rock's lip curls in disgust. She glares at me and Isy like she wants to tear us apart with her teeth.

"We are leaving." Edward says bluntly, his arm wraps around my waist to keep me close. I feel safer somehow.

Aero sighs as if greatly upset, but ultimately resigned.

"As you wish."

"We cannot just allow them to leave." Crunchie protests in his highly superior Malfoy voice. "The human girls know too much. Their lives are forfeit."

"Screw you, Crunchie." I snap at him. "Don't get upset just because your entire family is in Azkaban."

"It is true." Aero says regrettably, apparently ignoring me completely now. "If you do not intend to make them like us...then they are a liability."

"What if we do mean to make them like us?" JP questions hesitantly, sparing a troubled glance at Edward, who is still attempting to stare down the entire Fangcop gang.

Aero smiles, apparently happy again.

"Why, then you would be free to go home." His expression suddenly darkens. "But I am afraid that you would have to mean it."

What? First I'm being told I'm...that...and now I apparently have no choice but to become a vampire at some point.

"They mean it." Bella says with conviction I doubt she actually feels. She looks from John-Paul to Edward earnestly. "Tell them you mean it, and then we can go."

"Fine, you know what, ok, screw it." I say stiffly. "As soon as we're...able...Edward and John will turn us into vampires. We promise. They promise. We all promise. There. We good? Can we leave now?"

Can I go throw up now? Can I go have a panic attack of epic proportions and possibly drown myself in the bath now? Can I go eat some ice cream and call Beany so I can rant about shit now?

What am I going to tell Jay? What the hell are me and Edward going to do?

"We'll do it. We'll turn them when the time is right." JP says, and I think he even actually means it.

I tilt my head up to look at Edward. So many emotions appear to be flashing in his eyes. I can't tell when one begins and another ends.

With just four words Edward ceils my fate.

"I will turn Ever."


	19. Going Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own New Moon. At all. Like, not even a teensy tiny bit. I promise.

The Fang cops allowed us to leave shortly after blackmailing the Cullen twins into turning my sister and I into vampy people. I didn't really pay attention to anything after that. I couldn't. Even as we left Italy on the first available flight and made our way back to Forks, I could not for the life of me think clearly, or focus on whatever was said between the four of us.

Three important facts have taken my mind hostage.

If I don't become a vampire the Fang cops will kill me.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant with twins.

The last one gets to be a separate issue all by itself because being pregnant and being pregnant with twins are two very different worlds of life fuckary.

I suppose I shouldn't be all that surprised though to be honest. Twins do run in both mine and Edward's family. He's a twin. I'm a twin. I have twins growing inside of me. A large part of me wants to laugh. To laugh and laugh and laugh and never, ever, stop laughing. But not because any of this is funny. In fact it's so not funny that I'm not even sure what to class it as. Unfunny? The anti-funny?

I want to laugh and laugh and laugh because otherwise I'm afraid I'll fucking cry. And break. Just. Fucking. _Break_.

I'm having a mental breakdown. I think it's invisible though. Can mental breakdowns be invisible? Well obviously they can, because that's what's happening to me right now.

I would be pissed at Edward, because really, this is his fault. I know that's not fair, but I'm not actually in the mood to be fair, so there's that. So I would be pissed at Ward, but he's so clearly upset and, frankly, openly disturbed by the news of my pregnancy that I know he's taking this as hard as I am. Maybe even harder for some reason.

What am I going to tell Jay? What am I going to tell Charlie? What am I going to tell my mother? I'd rather not tell any of them anything. Apart from Jay. I love him, need him, too much not to tell him about this.

I wish I could talk to Beany. As much as I want to trust Ward and Jay, and I _do_ for the most part, there are some things that are better to be talked about with a friend. A best friend preferably. Beany would make this less scary. I don't know how, he just would. He makes all my dramatic emo shit seem less awful just by being my best friend.

I keep this in mind and make it my goal. Find Beany. Find him and talk to him and worry about the rest later. Because it's too much otherwise. It's too much and I can't do this and I don't want to have to do this and God, _damn it_.

I distantly hear Ward say something about the rest of the Cullens coming to Forks and texting Jay to tell him we're safe and coming home and contacting Charlie so he'll know not the call the FBI to issue a man hunt for me and Bella. He talks to me. Ward. He talks. I can hear him. But it's like I'm underwater and his words are barely even getting through. I feel as if there's too much space between us even though he's right there. Right there. And I'm right here, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter even a little bit.

Ward sounds shaken. Afraid. I can hear the truth behind it all. He's distraught. Maybe he's breaking too. Maybe we'll shatter together and the pieces will get mixed up on the floor between where we are and where sanity should be.

Isy the infamous dancing emo even seems concerned for me. The world might as well explode right now because it'll never get any more insane than that. I don't know what Bella bop and JdinoP are doing. Probably pinkie swearing that they'll wuv each other for ever and ever, or possible they're making their suicide pact official this time.

I don't actively ignore them. They just don't feel real to me right now.

Nothing feels real to me. Nothing but the intense desire to escape Ward's guilt ridden expression and the knowledge that no matter what any of us do from this moment onward, nothing will ever be simple again. Not that it was all that simple before, but at least before I wasn't being threatened into becoming a vampire. I mean there was the Lost Weasley to worry about, but that feels like more of a side note on the periphery of my life at the moment.

I also wasn't pregnant before. I mean I was, technically. Have been since Ward and I had sex weeks ago. But I didn't know about it. So that counts as it not being real yet.

I like to think anyway.

I make my great escape as soon as we arrive home. Well, not home-home, but home as in America. I texted Beany asking him to pick me up at the airport, no questions asked. And because Beany is my best friend, he was waiting outside Airport's main entrance in his car even before our plane touched the ground. Best friends do shit like that. It's what separates friends from best friends.

Best friends do outrageously random things without any explanation required. Just because you ask them to.

I tell Ward I'm going to the bathroom. He knows it's a lie. He knows because I'm not trying to hide the fact that it's a lie. Ward knows it's a lie. He pretends that he doesn't know and lets me walk away.

Maybe he doesn't want to be around me either. I vaguely wonder who he'll escape to. I try not to feel angry that the person Ward will probably run to is Jay. I don't want to be angry that Ward somehow seems to trust Jay more than I do. For a single flickering second I hate them both for it. But mostly I think I just hate myself for not being strong enough to act like a real person and rely on the two men I know that I'm in love with.

It's unfortunate that trust and love don't always come hand in hand.

They should try putting that on a Valentine's day card.

I find Beany outside and climb into the passenger seat of his car. Beany looks at me. Or I assume he is because I can feel his eyes burning into the side of my head. I keep facing forward, looking out through the windscreen. Someone honks their horn behind us and Beany doesn't say a damn thing.

He just looks at me. Waiting. Willing to wait for me. I love him so much for that.

"Let's go somewhere." I say. It hurts. Everything hurts for a moment.

"Are you ok?" Beany asks. He means it. He means every word. That knowledge feels like acid inside my veins.

"Let's go somewhere." I say again. My voice sounds funny. I don't recognise it.

"Where do you want to go?" Beany asks, more seriously than he's ever asked me anything before. Like my answer means forever.

"Away." I say.

"Home?" Beany asks.

I think about it.

"No."

"Then where?"

I think a bit more.

"Just...away."

Pause.

"Got it." Beany says.

He starts the car; and then we're gone.

If I were a better person I'd feel guilty for leaving Edward behind. For not letting him be there for me the way he wants to be. For letting Jay pick up the pieces of my problems yet again with Ward.

But I am not a better person. I'm just _a_ person.

I'm just me.

Or maybe not now. Maybe now I'm three people.

"I'm not okay."

I'm not okay.

"You can be not okay." Beany says without looking at me. "You're inside my car. Outside rules don't mean shit. You can be not okay in here."

"How about out there?" I gesture vaguely at the world outside Beany's car.

Beany shrugs one shoulder.

"Doesn't matter. We're in here."

A smile twitches my lips.

And suddenly, every single thing in my life is less scary.

I have good taste in best friends. I really, really, do.

At least that's one thing to put in the pro column.

...

"Pregnant." Beany says, as if tasting the word and not being sure what to think about it. Well, that makes two of us. I don't think Ward is unsure of how to feel about me being pregnant. In fact I'm pretty his thoughts about the situation run along the lines of 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO' and 'bad' and 'super bad'.

Can't say I totally disagree.

"Pregnant." Beany says again, sounding a bit more confused this time. He scrunches his nose up. "Like...with a baby?"

"No." I say darkly. "Like with two babies."

"No. Effity. Way!" Beany practically shrieks, his eyes blown wide and disbelieving.

We're still sitting in his car. It feels somehow safer in here than it would out there in the real world. In the real world there are other people. People who aren't me or Beany. I'm not really in the mood to deal with the existence of other people at the moment. I'm not really in the mood to do anything but sit here and silently freak the fuck out.

Beany's been driving for hours, and I have no idea where we actually are. I mean, I know we're parked outside a diner. But I don't know much more than that.

"No lie, Beany. There are fucking people growing inside me right now." I say, letting my head thump back against the car seat.

Beany's nose scrunches up again.

"Gross." He says.

I choke on a laugh and reach over to smack him.

"So not helping, Beany!"

"Alright, alright, there's no need to beat me to death, Juno." Beany huffs and slaps at my weaponised hands.

"Beany!"

"Sid!"

"I'm going through a crises over here."

"What kind of crises?"

"A pregnant one!"

"Sounds gross."

"It isn't gross."

"It kind of is though."

"I know!"

"So gross."

"Monumentally gross."

"Like gross times one million."

"Stop saying the word gross."

"You stop saying the word gross."

"I can't!"

"Why not?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

Beany and I both burst out laughing. We laugh so hard and for so long that tears stream down both of our faces and my stomach starts to hurt. I distantly wonder if that's bad for babies. Is it? Is too much laughter dangerous to pregnant women?

I must say the last part out loud because Beany gives me a strange look, having finally stopped laughing.

"Why would you say pregnant 'women'? I mean, who else is gonna be pregnant? Only women can do that." Beany says, and he actually sounds thoughtful about it.

"Nuh uh. Seahorses, man. Seahorses." I say, crossing my arms over my chest triumphantly.

"What about Seahorses?" Beany asks, frowning seriously.

"The boy Seashorses are the ones who carry the baby." I say.

"I thought that was Penguins." Beany says.

"No, stupid." I snort in his direction. "Boy Penguins just look after the egg before it hatches. I was with you when we watched the movie about it, remember?"

"What movie? Happy Feet?"

"Yes. That movie. About Penguins."

"I don't think that movie was factually accurate, Sid."

"Of course it was. Penguins dancing? I mean come on. Might as well of been a Penguin documentary."

"I think you just offended all Penguin documentaries."

"I don't have time to worry about Penguins or their documentaries, Beany."

"Yeah, Sid, I don't think the Penguins actually make the documentaries themselves."

"I'm not arguing with you about animals filming their own documentaries again Beany. We already went through this with the Shark discussion."

"Sharks don't hold cameras!"

"Well obviously. They don't have thumbs. Or hands. They can't technically 'hold' anything."

"I feel like we've gone off topic somehow." Beany says, looking over at me in tired exasperation.

"Oh yeah." I say, shifting around in my seat to find a more comfortable position. "What were we talking about again?"

Beany shrugs,

"Dunno. Something gross probably."

"Oh, hold on, we were talking about the fact that I'm pregnant with a baby?"

"As appose to what? You being pregnant with a duck?"

"No one gets pregnant with ducks."

"Pretty sure other ducks do."

"No they don't. Ducks lay eggs. And then the eggs hatch the new ducks."

"Oh my flip flop, that just _blew my mind_."

"Word."

"Damn it, we're getting off topic again!" Beany slams his hand down on the steering wheel dramatically.

I sigh heavily and say,

"I don't think we're very good at this whole mature conversation thing."

"I didn't realise that was ever something we were unsure about. I always thought we were immature assholes." Beany replies, smiling at me just a little.

I try to keep a serious expression on my face, but that proves impossible when Beany starts wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at me for no God damn reason. I snort the most unattractive of snorts. It is the snort of a person who doesn't give a shit about sounding like a baby horse eating a polo.

"Ok, shut up, real talk, Beany, real talk." I say, flapping a hand in Beany's direction.

Beany purses his lips thoughtfully and leans back in his seat. I'm reminded of the time Beany and I tried to bake blue cookies. Baking is harder than the kid show cooks and kitchen commercials make it look. Beany got frustrated half way through the process and decided to ignore the instructions altogether. We ended up with a tray full of liquid blue goop. Or, well, actually, we ended up with a tray of half liquid blue goop and half burnt blue goop.

It was a massacre of food preparation. Many a cookie died that day. All the baking utensils were traumatised.

Beany finally look at me with steely resolve in his eyes and says,

"What did stud muffin say about the whole seriously gross-"

"Beany!" I snap warningly.

"What did Edward say about you being...with child?" Beany finishes awkwardly.

I make a face at him.

"'With child'? What are you, a nurse from eighteen seventy two?"

"Sid." Beany says, and now it's his turn to sound disapproving.

"I'm sorry. I just don't know how to...talk about this without losing my mind in the process." I admit shakily.

"You know I'm not judging you or whatever, right?" Beany asks seriously. "Because I don't care how or why this happened. I know you, Sid. Or, at least, I know you well enough to be sure that you just made a stupid mistake. Shit happens, Sid. You're my best friend, and I'll have your back no matter what you decide to do."

A swell of pure fucking emotion hits me right in the chest, and I throw myself at Beany. He half catches me and we awkwardly hug. Even though we're inside a relatively small car. And still have our seatbelts on. It's one of the most awkward and uncomfortable hugs of my life. It's perfectly weird, and I don't think I'll ever be able to explain to Beany just how important he is to me.

But I can start by being as honest as possible with him.

"Edward seemed even more freaked out than I am." I say softly.

Beany contemplates this, and then asks,

"What, did he throw himself off of a cliff or something?"

I scoff at that.

"I said he was freaked out, Beany, not that he'd magically transformed into Bella."

Which is, of course, a truly horrifying thought all by itself. Almost as bad as the pregnancy thing.

Sort of.

"Right, sorry. I just meant, what did he do that made you think he was freaking out? Did he get pissed? Did he say something mean to you?" Beany's expression suddenly turns pissed off. "Because if he did, then I'll go kick his perfect muffin-ey ass on your behalf. I got no problem schooling some pale little rich boy who thinks he can just knock up my best friend and then walk away-"

"Nah, nah, Beany." I interrupt before he can get into full on drama queen rant mode. "Ward didn't treat me badly or anything after he found out. We haven't really talked about it at all yet."

And I realise that's true. Since leaving the Fang cops in our scandalous glitter dust, neither of us brought up the fact that I'm pregnant. Or the whole 'you must kill your pet human and turn her into a sparkly person' issue.

I realise that Beany is staring at me in disbelief.

"Dude, are you saying that you told your ex/sort of maybe not ex/your current boyfriend's new boyfriend/member of your possible future polyamorous relationship that you're pregnant and then...what? Refused to talk to him about it?"

"He didn't want to talk about it either." I say stiffly, realising, even as the words come out of my mouth, how childish they sound.

I am so completely not ready for any of this.

"You know what?" Beany says with a huff of laughter. "You and Edward are shockingly terrible at communicating. Seriously. Who finds out they might be having a baby and then acts like nothing happened? Like, couldn't you at least get all upset and start shouting insults? Oh no, you and Edward just give each other the silent treatment and pretend it isn't happening. Yeah, real healthy there, Sid."

"I dunno." I say, shrugging helplessly. "I guess me and Edward are the same in some ways. We handle crazy life changing shit by shutting down and internalising our stupid feelings."

"Your feelings aren't stupid, Sid." Beany says, his mouth softening from it's earlier disgruntled state. "And stud muffin's probably aren't either."

"Yeah, I know. I do know that. I just needed some time to get my own head around everything before I could help him get _his_ head around it all." I say with a sigh.

"Makes sense to me." Beany replies positively. "How about the Bellanator, does she know?"

I groan loudly, not even bothering to hide my unhappiness.

"Yes. The emotron knows all. And so does her perpetually constipated boyfriend."

"Well that sucks. Did she give you shit about it?" Beany asks, giving me a sympathetic grimace.

"Not yet, surprisingly. She's probably pretty pissed off at me for running away from the airport though."

I've kept my phone on because it would beyond an asshole move to turn it off. I don't actually want my sister, Ward or Jay to panic. They might think I was attacked by the lost Weasley. Although that whole thing is starting to feel like a real non-issue in comparison to everything else I'm having to deal with.

Having had enough serious talk for the moment, I clear my throat and whack Beany's arm purposefully.

"So come on," I say with only half forced brightness, "distract me with something less ridiculous and uncomprehendingly scary than my accidental pregnancy."

Beany looks like he might protest the change of topic, but after searching my face for a few seconds, he actually relents.

"Ok, well, there is something I wanted to talk to you about." Beany says a bit nervously. I don't know what he could have to be nervous about. His news can't be much worse than mine.

"You can tell me whatever you want to, Beany." I say, attempting, perhaps futilely, to sound reassuring.

Beany seems to consider what to say to me very carefully. I let him work up to whatever he apparently wants to tell me and just sit still waiting patiently for him to spit it out.

Far too suddenly he gets this weird look of fearful wonder on his face. It creeps me out a little. When he finally does speak his voice is quiet and oddly firm.

"I think I'm in love with Embry."

I arch an eyebrow at that, not totally surprised by the admission, but still finding myself feeling a bit confused by it.

"You mean that guy you met, like, a few days ago." I say carefully.

"Yeah." Beany says.

I pause before replying, waiting for more, but Beany doesn't add anything else so I go on.

"Cool, cool. When's the wedding?"

Beany thinks about that for a second and then says,

"We'll probably have to go on a date first."

I hide a smirk behind my hand.

"Sounds like a good idea. Don't wanna scare him off right away."

Beany must hear the amusement in my voice, but he still looks deadly serious when he says,

"I know it sounds bizarre, but there's something about him that...I feel really connected to. I can't get him out of my head. I've never felt anything like it before."

"And cue the swell of provocatively emotional music." I quip.

Beany clucks his tongue at me.

"Do not mock my deep and meaningful bout of insta love. You had yours with stud muffin and I didn't make fun of you."

"You never shut up about me and the Bellasaurus-rex having a double wedding with Ward and JbooP." I say.

"I don't have a single clue what you're blathering on about. Who is this JbooP person you speak of and why would Edward be marrying him?"

"Ok, you've officially known me for too long. I've rubbed my weirdness dust all over your soul and it shows." I laugh.

"Bitch please." Beany scoffs. "My soul sparkled like a motherfucker way before you infected me with your weirdness."

Oh my dohnut, that reminds me. If I get turned into a sparkly person then I'll actually _sparkle_. Like from my skin. I'll have glitter skin! Like a gay fish attending an underwater pride parade. This whole day just keeps getting worse and worse.

"What about Goldy?" I ask Beany tentatively. I know the Goldy situation is still a sensitive topic for Beany, despite his claims that he's completely over his blond dum dum of an ex.

Beany looks a bit guilty when he says,

"Mike and I...when we started messing around, I thought the only thing holding us back was Mike not wanting anyone to know that he's gay. I fell in love with him, or at least I thought I did, and because of that I was willing to put up with Mike's wishy washy bullshit for a long time. But then he crossed the line, and I was fucking devastated that hiding his sexuality was more important to him than being with me."

I reach over and take Beany's hand in mine. I squeeze his fingers without saying anything.

"It took ages for me to realise that my relationship with Mike wasn't as meaningful or healthy as I'd thought it was. We'd both been stumbling around in the gay dark trying to figure ourselves out. I still care about Mike, and I probably always will. But I don't want to be with him any more, and no amount of apologies or presents or love songs or poems," Beany shudders with that last one, "is gonna change that."

I make a sympathetic noise and squeeze his hand again. But I'm unable to stop myself from saying,

"Did you just say 'the gay dark'?"

"It's a metaphor."

"No it isn't."

"Hey, stop trying to ruin things. I'm admitting shit to you here."

"No, you're vomiting recycled emotions at me. I know you don't want to be with Goldy. And I think you should tell him that. Properly. To his face. Whilst sober. And awake."

"Does **he** have to be awake?"

"Yes. We've been over this. It doesn't count as a real confession if the other person isn't conscious to hear it."

"That's a dumb rule."

"Hey, we voted on it. Don't blame me. Blame democracy."

Beany and I start laughing again.

I almost jump hard enough to smack my head against the roof of the car when my phone rings in my lap. I quickly pick it up and see that it's Jay calling. I sigh in resignation as I stare at the small screen.

Beany and I share a look.

"Your future's calling." Beany says, nodding at my phone.

He's right. My future is on the other end of this phone call. Or at least, I hope it still is and that I haven't ruined everything by making yet another selfish mistake.

I answer the phone and say,

"I'm coming home."


	20. Talking Nonsense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own New Moon. At all. Like, not even a teensy tiny bit. I promise.

I'm more surprised than I probably should be when Jay tells me to meet him at the Cullen's old house. He sounded worried, but I couldn't tell if he was already aware of my...situation. I would have had no problem with Edward telling Jay the truth about why I ran off with Beany. It's not like I'm planning on lying to Jay about anything. What would be the point? He'd lose his shit over it eventually. Plus, Jay might be the only person who can understand, at least partially, how I'm feeling right now.

More and more I'm beginning to wonder how the hell a barely thirteen year old Jake managed to handle becoming a father. He must have been scared shitless. I know that I am. I also know that Ward is more than likely freaking the fuck out. Maybe even more so than I am.

Apparently the Cullen's have all come home to Forks. They're over at their old house along with Jay, Coda and the emosaurus rex. I'll count myself lucky if any of us come out alive after tonight. I can only imagine how uncomfortable Jay already feels surrounded by Edward's family. And Bella bop. Because that's always terrible no matter what the other circumstances are.

Our Mom took us to Disney land once when we were nine. Can you imagine that? The emo princess. At Disney land. It was as horrific as you're all probably thinking. The crazy emo bubble that was, and is, my sister _cried_ all day. All. Day. A man dressed up as Pluto gave me a balloon and Bella cried all over it. I had a soggy balloon. It was legitimately awful. Both myself and my balloon felt supremely violated.

I hit Bella in the face with my balloon. To cheer her up, obviously.

Bella bit my balloon.

It popped.

I alerted the Disney land police and insisted that they arrest her for murder. Balloon murder. The Disney police were not enthused by the idea of arresting my nine year old, still blubbering, sister, for reasons I never fully understood. Bella was, and still is, clearly a dangerous psychopath. A whingy one. Which is so much worse.

Once the Disney police had refused to throw Bella in Disney jail where she clearly belonged, Bella told on me to Mom. The little snitch.

And you know what? That wasn't even the first, or last, time Bella bop murdered one of my balloons. She's a balloon serial killer. I should probably tell JpringleP about that. He'd probably dump her over it and we could all let out a big sigh of relief. No more emos making sad googly eyes at each other and trying to commit mutual suicide. Oh what a wonderful world that would be.

But I get the feeling that this time JtootsierollP is gonna be sticking around. Maybe for good. I envision many awkward interactions in our future. Especially if things between Ward, Jay and I continue on the same track. I keep trying to imagine what the Cullen's would think of Edward having it off with a human and a wolf shifter. Possibly at the same time. I reckon Pixie, and therefore by extension Cracky, would be ok with it. I'm not so sure about Doctor Sexbomb (a.k.a Carlisle) and Esme. But I'm sure I can win them over using Coda. His inner cuteness will manipulate them to my satisfaction.

It's thoughts like that one that make me think I'm not ever going to be good mother material. You're probably not supposed to use the cuteness of your children to manipulate people into doing things. I don't see why more people don't do it though, it's a solid tactic.

One plus side to the Cullen's coming home is that I'll get to see my old bestie Queen B. Of course it was her fault that JP almost got himself smooshed to death by the Fang Cops and therefore also partly her fault that the Alpha sparkles are now demanding that my sister and I go full glitter skin. It all worked out in the end though. Well, sort of. Not really. But bitching about it isn't going to help anyone, least of all me. I'll have to give Queen B an extra long hug as revenge.

In any case, I know it's time for me to bite the bullet and deal with my mess of a life. Jay and Ward don't deserve to be fucked around. And, even though it feels uncomfortable to think about, I need to remember that there's now another life attached to mine. I don't want to get ahead of myself, and I should probably visit a doctor or something to get checked out first. Maybe Doctor Sexbomb should be the one to do the honours, especially since this baby/babies, if there is/are actually a baby/babies, is/are part vampire. Which still sounds impossible to me given what I know from Edward about vampires.

How is it possible for a semi-dead person to father a child? Then again, if we're getting technical about it, if Edward is dead then he shouldn't have been able to have sex with me at all. So I'm at least glad that the vampire sex magic works I guess. Even if it does mean that I'm now pregnant with a vampire magic baby/babies.

Beany lets me stop off at home to grab Kevin 2.0 before I head on over to the Cullen's house. I figured if things got heated then Kevin 2.0 could take charge and beat some sparkes into submission. Or Bella bop. Because she's clearly deranged. Only a deranged person would be in _tru wuv_ with a fruit loop like JkingkongP. Fact.

"Really? You're bringing the bat?" Beany says to me when I jump back into his car. He's eyeing Kevin 2.0 with open suspicion. That reminds me, I need to get Robbie the top hat back from the Cullens. Hat thieves, the lot of them! I may yet have to inform the CIA about the situation. I've heard that they take hat threats very seriously.

I scowl at Beany.

"Yes. What of it?"

"I thought you were supposed to be having a civilised group meeting with the fancy pale family." Beany says. "I mean I know 'civilised' is a bit of stretch what with _you_ being there and all, but Kevin 2.0 would probably send out the wrong kind of signals."

"I want to project an air of danger and badassery." I explain. "Kevin 2.0 will assist me in this."

"Why?" Beany arches a suspicious eyebrow I my direction. "Are you worried that one of the super rich people will try to mug you?"

I resist the urge to poke my tongue out at him. Barely.

"They might. You don't know. They already stole my top hat, so we know they have it in them to commit such evil crimes." They've also probably killed people before, but that is neither here nor there.

"Fine, but I'm not helping you bury the bodies if Kevin 2.0 goes into one of his bat rages and decimates everyone in sight." Beany says, shrugging.

"Best friends are supposed to always be there for each other." I remind him. "And that includes helping your best friend get away with multiple homicide by bat."

"I don't remember agreeing to that at any point during our friendship, Sid." Beany says.

"Oh, what about when I promised to help you do away with Goldy if he ever tried to serenade you with his guitar ever again?" I challenge. "And then you agreed to help me destroy my enemies in return."

Beany sputters indignantly.

"I was drunk when we made that spit pact! You can't hold that against me _now_."

"I can and I will." I say.

"Nope. Too bad. Spit pact or not, I won't do it and you can't make me." Beany argues firmly.

I growl at him.

"I knew we should have used blood instead of spit."

"Oh yeah, because blood pacts between friends end so well in horror movies." Beany says sarcastically.

"This isn't a horror movie, Beany." Well, it kind of is. I consider being pregnant a horrifying enough thought.

"Horror movie rules still apply in these kinds of situations." Beany says.

"Fine. See if I volunteer to help next time you need me to give you an alibi for the police." I stroke Kevin 2.0, attempting to sooth his bat rage.

"Oh, well, there goes my plan to commit grand theft auto by stealing your Dad's cop car." Beany mocks.

"Fuck off and go make out with Elmo." I snap at him.

" _You_ go make out with him." Beany snaps back. Then he seems to realise what he just said and backtracks. "No, actually, don't do that. You already have two guys who want to make out with you. Embry's mine. Or he will be once I tell him he's the love of my life. After our second date."

"Might be best to leave that admission until after your third date, Beany." I say dryly. "Plus I'm not the only one with two guys. Goldy still hasn't given up hope on you yet, remember."

"Yeah, no lie, I might actually need to buy Mike a new boyfriend so he'll back off."

"Oohhh, get him a mail order husband. From Japan." I say excitedly.

"I don't think you can get mail order husbands from anywhere. Even Japan." Beany says, sounding distressed.

"Don't give up before you've even tried. After I've dealt with this whole being pregnant thing, we can move on to forcing Goldy to get over you." I say comfortingly.

"This whole 'being pregnant thing'? Seriously?" Beany says, laughing.

"Shut it, fairy princess."

"I AM NOT A FAIRY PRINCESS!"

Aaaaaand we're _back_.

"Stop trying to distract me Beany, I have some very serious shit to think about." I say, waving my hand at Beany dismissively.

Beany makes a grunting sound and huffs, crossing his arms and slumping down in his seat. I hide a smirk. Barely.

**Jacob's P.O.V**

"I say we vote on it." Bella says, sounding oddly pissed off by her boyfriend's refusal to kill her without hesitation.

There is something not quite right going on inside that girl's head. It's like she can't even comprehend why JP might not want to turn the girl he loves into a blood sucking monster. Not that I think the Cullen's are monsters exactly. Well, I don't know about all of them, but Edward definitely isn't. He's a kind man. A bit of a bossy bastard, and extremely stubborn in regards to keeping me around as well, but, yeah, I trust him.

As much as I can allow myself to trust him. Anyone.

I have so much more than just myself to think about. I have Coda. A little boy who has already lost his mother before he even had the chance to know her. He doesn't deserve to lose anyone else. Not me. Not Ever. And not even Edward. Coda seems to have become so close with Edward and Ever over the last year, and I'm afraid of having to explain to him why they can no longer be in his life.

Because for them to be in his life, they'd have to be in mine, and I don't think any of us can handle that. Not now. Not now that we know how bound Edward and Ever are to each other. If what Edward has told me is true, whatever he, Ever and I were building together is over. It _has_ to be over.

There is no way in hell the three of us can work out our shit romantically and sexually whilst at the same time deal with the fact of Ever's pregnancy. I was barely holding it together before when it was just the three of us and Coda I had to worry about. Throw in another kid with confused, teenage(ish) parents, and the whole situation has become more than fucked up.

Edward doesn't see it that way though. He made it clear to me when he confessed his supposed sins about Ever and their possible baby that he won't give me up.

I have no idea what makes him think that's his call when clearly it's mine. And I say no. I'll tell him no. I'll tell them both no. They need to move forward without me. It's the best course of action as far as I can see.

I cannot give them what they need from me. Hell, I can only just about give Coda what he needs from me and no matter what else I might feel, I have to put Coda first. I have done since the moment he was born, and that is unlikely ever to change. Not even if I think I'm in love with two impossibly incredible people.

Ever, the girl, the woman, I've always wanted, always loved in one way or another, but thought I could never have. Edward, the vampire, the man, I shouldn't want, but can't stop myself from yearning for. They both fill up two empty spaces inside of me. They are the broken pieces that fit my whole. And that knowledge will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

I'm not giving up, even though Edward thinks I am. I'm not giving up. I'm letting go. It isn't the same thing. Not by a long shot.

~flashback~

_"Edward? Jesus, what's...is Ever alright? Are you alright? Is anyone fucking alright?" I demand anxiously._

_"No. No one is alright, Jacob." Edward practically spits out the words through clenched teeth. He looks right at me, but the agony on his face makes me flinch away from him._

_"What happened? Where is Ever?" I reach out to touch him, to offer comfort, and unsurprisingly Edward accepts it. Edward isn't like me, he actually likes being touched and hugged and being treated with genuine affection. Because despite being dead Edward is actually not a freak. Unlike me, the totally alive and sometimes fluffy weirdo._

_Edward leans into me and I try my best not to shout more questions at him. Now isn't the time to lose my shit. Edward is already quite clearly losing his. I didn't think there would ever come a time when Edward would be the one who needed someone to keep him grounded. Despite his need, bordering on addiction, for blood, Edward has remained solid throughout all this drama between me, him and Ever._

_Whilst I splintered and Ever drowned Edward stood firm, like our own personal safehouse. He refused to let me or Ever hide ourselves from him. He made sure that we knew how much he cares. He never seems afraid of revealing himself to us, his heart, his soul, and everything that goes into both. I'm not sure where he draws that kind of bravery from, but I wish I could take it from the same place. Maybe then I would be able to tell him, and Ever, all the things they deserve to know, all the things I desperately want to say._

_But this time it was Edward who_ _came home looking like he'd just seen the entire world burn up right in front of him. It's apparently Edward's turn to quake. And maybe it's my chance to be his safehouse._

_"I screwed up, Jacob." Edward whispers harshly, sounding almost breathless, which is quite a feat considering the fact that Edward doesn't actually need to breathe._

_"What did you do?" I ask him quietly, wary of Coda who is upstairs playing in his room. He could come down any moment and see me and Edward locked together in the hallway. I'm not sure how I would be able to explain away that one. Coda can be surprisingly intuitive for a four year old._

_Edward shakes his head, as if trying to rid himself of dark, impenetrable, thoughts. Now that is something I can understand. Those kinds of thoughts, those spiked, lethal, fits of matter, can cause damage that no amount of reasoning can assuage._

_"Ever is...I didn't...she..." Edward chokes on barely formed words._

_I wrap my arms around him and pull Edward into a firm embrace. I hold him steady, lifting one hand to run it gently through his hair. Edward burrows into me, returning my embrace without hesitation. Seeking safety, or maybe some form of escape._

_"Just breathe, Edward." I say, with a calm, level, voice that I thought myself incapable of. I whisper against his ear, "I know you don't need to breathe, but do it anyway. Just **breathe with me**." I hold him even tighter. "We'll do it together."_

_"I can't." Edward gasps into my neck. "It's too much. Too big. I can't do it, Jacob."_

_I pull back a bit, enough so that mine and Edward's foreheads are pressed together. His eyes are closed. He keeps his arms around my chest, pressing us as close as we can physically be whilst still clothed. Somehow it doesn't feel close enough. I wonder if I will ever feel as if we are close enough._

_It's not about sex, or even lust. I don't think it has been from the beginning. There was always more. He and I were always more. Just like with Ever. Edward and Ever. My two missing pieces. How can I ever hope to be what they need? How can I love them when I have nothing of worth to give? I am lost, and broken, and I cannot remember a time when I was not either of those things._

_My mother used to say that you cannot fix something that was never meant to be whole. That's what I am. A broken thing that was created not quite right. A jagged piece of life and nothing more. Not ever._

_But here these people are. Ever and Edward. Both broken and splintered and darkened in their own ways. Our sharp edges shouldn't fit together. They shouldn't deserve to. But, somehow, someway, they do. They fit effortlessly, without thought or reason._

_"Maybe you can't." I say to Edward, swallowing hard on a wave of emotion that threatens to overwhelm us both. "But that's no reason not to try anyway."_

_Edward opens his eyes then. They practically glow with intent, and I know, even before his cold lips cover mine, that this is it. The moment when we acknowledge how much we belong to each other._

_Edward kisses me like it was inevitable from the first moment we met. He kisses me like nothing else in the world could matter more than this. He kisses me like he needs it to be able to breathe._

_I kiss him back like I would give him everything. Even the things that aren't mine to give away._

_Edward's lips are cold, but the feel of them on mine burn with a fire I cannot hope to tame. It feels like when you touch ice for too long and it begins to bite at your skin; when you breathe in the first touch of frost in the air and it sweeps through your lungs, cleaning them out and chilling your insides._

_Our tongues tangle and swipe and lick the insides of each others mouths. My mouth is hot, because everything about me is hot these days. Edward growls. I gasp. Hot and cold meet and explode in crescendo of want and need and pain and even a flash of violence. Because Edward and I were not built on a foundation of kindness and gentle touches. What we have was moulded and forged together through fire and brimstone._

_Edward turns us around and shoves me up against the wall. My brain short circuits from the feel of Edward taking control, like he has done every time before. I don't mind giving up control to Edward if that's what he needs from me. I can give him my submission if it means that much to him. I just need him, in any way that he'll take me._

_The wolf in me chants 'mine mine mine' when Edward slides his hands underneath my t-shirt and touches me with single-mindedly bruising hands. It hurts, and I'm glad of that. I need it to hurt. But I try to push the wolf away. It has no place here. I want Edward to touch me and see me and know me as I am now, not as what his kind forces me to become._

_A thought comes to me then and I rip my face away from Edward's, who releases a snarl of protest against my neck. His lips and teeth scrape across my jugular and I shiver from the contact. I don't know what it is about Edward's teeth, but for some reason I want them on me more than any sane person who knows exactly what Edward is should want anything._

_"Coda." I manage to get out between laboured pants. I don't want Coda to see this. I need to protect my son from his father's weakness. My blatant madness could destroy us both if I allowed it._

_Edward does stop then, because he knows, more than most everyone else, how important protecting Coda is. A dark shadow crosses over Edward's face, which is new. I think for a moment that he might bolt, but then the shadow is gone and the crackling intensity of want returns to his eyes._

_He wastes no time in half dragging me into the living room and closing the door behind us, forming a barrier between us and rest of the world outside of this room. Edward pushes me to lie down on the sofa, and then he follows to lay on top of me, covering my body with his._

_"I want you." Edward growls, looking down at me with a possessive desire flashing in his eyes. He leans in closer and bites my jaw warningly. I stare back at him, still panting, not knowing what else to do. I'm captivated by him, completely and utterly taken apart by his presence. Edward's mouth twists up into a pained smirk. He goes on raggedly, "I want you so much that if I weren't already dead then I think that I would die all over again from how much I want you."_

_"But Ever-" I try to say._

_Edward shakes his head, looking even more pained._

_"I want her too. Just as much. It's agony to see you both and not be able to touch either of you without betraying the other."_

_"I love Ever." I tell him, like he needs to be told that._

_"I know." Edward says, not sad, but resigned. He closes his eyes again._

_"I think I love you too." I admit, having found a small bout of courage from fucking somewhere inside me._

_Edward's eyes pop open. They go wide and disbelieving._

_"You what?" Edward asks, dangerously, in that smooth velvety voice of his that does weird shit to my body._

_A fist clenches in my stomach._

_"I think I love you and Ever. Both of you. I don't know why, and I don't know how, but I think it's true. I-"_

_Edward bites out his next few words, spewing them out like bile trapped in his throat,_

_"Ever is pregnant."_

_Just. Breathe._

~ end of flashback ~

"We are not gong to vote on whether I kill you or not." JP says fiercely to his clearly deranged girlfriend.

"Why not?" Bella demands, pouting and crossing her arms with a huff.

"Because that would be dumb." Rosalie says, sighing so loudly that she has to be doing it on purpose. Rosalie curls her lip in contempt at Bella. "Even more dumb than this entire situation already is."

"That's pretty freakin dumb then." I say tiredly. I feel exhausted already and Ever isn't even here yet.

Rosalie frowns up at me and asks,

"Why are you even here?"

Why the fuck am I here? Good question.

"To support Ever and Edward." I reply, which is the truth, if the whole of it.

"I didn't realise you'd been boosted up to boyfriend status." Rosalie says snidely.

I look at her sharply and snap,

"I'm not Edward's boyfriend."

Rosalie's eyes widen in what could be called shock. She masks it quite quickly however and her gaze flickers between me and Edward mockingly. She looks coolly amused, which does not bode well for any of us.

Edward is standing too close to me. I keep moving away from him, but he just follows, unwilling to let me out his sight. Controlling asshole.

After Edward told me that Ever might be pregnant with his baby, I got as far away from him as I could and phoned Ever. We agreed to meet at the Cullen's old house. I didn't realise that the entire Cullen family would be there though. If I'd known that then I probably wouldn't have come.

When I realised who I'd be facing, I vaguely considered making a run for it. Edward must have sensed my need to escape because he glared at me, daring me to try it. Just _try it_. His expression promised that he would come right after me if I did, and that I would not like the consequences once he caught me again. I glared right back at him. But I didn't run. So maybe he wins the day.

I couldn't even use Coda as an excuse because Leah had already agreed to look after him and the kittens until I got back from the family meeting to end all family meetings.

As soon as I stepped in through the front door, every Cullen turned to stare at me in that statue-esque way of theirs. I wanted to growl at them. Or maybe hiss like a cat.

Yeah. I'm not very good at this whole 'wolf thing'. I think that's been established quite thoroughly.

"Edward." Rosalie simpers, "Please tell me you haven't been screwing the crazy puppy. I mean the phone calls were bad enough, but this would just be _sad_."

Edward's expression turns murderous and he snarls at Rosalie,

"Insult him again Rose. Insult Jacob again and see what happens. I _dare_ you."

Before Rosalie, or anyone else, can respond, I sense Ever coming up to the house. Edward's mouth tightens and he steps back when I wrap a hand around his bicep. He turns his head to look me dead in the eye. I stare back it him grimly with an understanding that I won't want to feel.

Fuck, this cannot possibly end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading, please review! x


	21. What We Are Now

I take a deep breathe before ringing the bell. Which I feel a bit stupid doing as the Cullen's probably felt me coming as soon as I got out of Beany's car. Beany asked if I wanted him to come in with me, and for a brief second I seriously thought about saying yes. But having Beany in a roomful of vampires didn't sound like a good idea. I can't have my best friend being nibbled on by my baby daddys family.

A second later someone opens the door and I walk inside, telling myself to act like a civilised and mature human. Of course that all goes by the wayside as soon as I see Queen Bee. I open my arms wide and run towards her at an alarming speed.

"Queen Bee, you have returned to me!" I anounce, putting on my best Disney princess impression.

Queen Bee looks horrified and tries to escape, but it's too late. I wrap my arms around her inhumanely stiff body and hug her like my life depends on it. Queen Bee does not hug me back. She also, however, manages to refrain from murdering me where I stand. I call that progress. Clearly she and I are well on our way to becoming besties again.

After a very uncomfortable and awkward amount of time where all the Cullens stand around in awed (disturbed) silence, Queen Bee hisses over my head,

"Edward, remove your freaky cretin right now or I _will_ snap her neck."

"I missed you too." I say, still keeping my arms wrapped tightly around her. One of these days she'll hug me back and that will be the greatest moment of my entire life.

"Hurt her and I will break you." Edward growls at Queen Bee.

"Alright, Terminator." Jay scoffs, shooting Edward an ' _are you for real right now_ ' look. But his voice noticeably softens when he speaks to me. "Ever, please release the bitchy blond vampire before she goes rabid and Edward is forced to muzzle her."

Queen Bee's eyes become slits and she snaps acidly,

"If anyone in this room would ever be in need of a muzzle, it'd be you, _mutt_."

Jay replies, sounding bored and strangely exhausted,

"Oh, no. Please. My feelings. How will I ever surivive being called a dog by a walking-talking ice sculpture?"

Queen Bee makes a predatroy sound in the back of her throat.

"Edward, we really should get your head checked out. You've somehow managed to fall for the two most annoying people in the world."

"Oh for fuck sake." Jay groans, exasperated. "Are all vampires this dramatic? Get over yourself Blondie."

He seems to have completely disregarded the 'fall for' part. Either that or Jay has finally accepted that Edward is just as interested in him as he is in me, which would be a big step for him.

I finally let go of Queen Bee and grin up at her. She gives me a hostile glare, and I have to stop myself from hugging her again. I reach up with my index finger and poke her on the nose instead.

"Beep. Don't worry Rosie, our love will never die." I say dreamily.

Queen Bee's glare intensifies.

"I hope _you_ die."

I pat her on the arm.

"No you don't. I am the light of your life. The wind beneath your wings. The star to your New Orleans firefly."

"Edward!" Queen Bee barks almost desperately. "Make it stop talking to me."

I look over at Edward. He standing with his arms crossed, looking pissed off and tired and hot. So it's mostly business as usual with him. He seems to be making a concentrated effort not to look directly at me or Jacob.

Jay is shifting from foot to foot like he wants nothing more than to run the hell away. Hopefully he won't wolf-out on us. That would not end well with so many vampires in the room. Jay's expression is tight with worry, and unlike Ward he has no problem meeting my eyes. I see my own fear and sadness reflected back at me from Jay. That at least tells me that Jay knows about my 'situation'.

Or at least my alleged situation. With this thought I turn to my favourite DILF, Dr Sexbomb. Otherwise known as Carlisle.

"Hello, sir, I'm in desperate need of your medical assitance please." I say to him.

Dr Sexbomb smiles at me kindly. Esme gives me a matching smile that seriously freaks me out, which is kind of hilarious. I didn't know I was even still capable of feeling freaked out at this point.

"Oh, Ever!" Pixie stick comes out of nowhere and throws herself at me. I catch her in a lethal hug that threatens to end both our lives with its strength and awkward enthusiasm.

I catch sight of Pixie sticks' boyfriend, Cracky, standing off at the side with that same constipated look on his face that I remember from last year.

Mr Muscles is the next vampy person to come in for a hug when I manage to disentangle myself from Pixie stick. He lifts me off the ground and Edward growls something about not squeezing me too hard. Overprotective shithead.

JfloP and the dutchess of emoland are standing in a dark corner whispering to each other. Bella bop looks annoyed. JzaP looks...well, I can't ever read his face. Is bland an emotion? No? Eh, you get my point though.

Dr Sexbomb exchanges an unreadable look with Esme before saying to me,

"Edward warned us of your...situation. If you would allow it, I could examine you."

I can't decide if that sounds dirty or creepy. Maybe a bit of both coming from Edward's pseudo father.

"Feel free to examine away, Doc." I say brightly. Too brightly. I sound like a former famous actress being forced to act in a toothpaste commercial to pay for my new drug habit.

Dr Sexbomb flickers a glance at Edward before saying to me,

"Alright then, come with me to my office."

I have never felt more awkward in my entire, admittedly short-ass, life. I skip after Carlisle. Like literally. I skip. Because why the fuck not, right? Not like this situation could be any fucking weirder even if it tried.

I look back over my shoulder once and catch Ward and Jay having what appears to be a conversation communicated entirely through meaningful stares rather than actual words. Ward has the same pained expression on his face that he's had ever since he found out about my possible pregnancy. Jay just looks agitated and twitchy. I can't even imagine what must be going through his head right now. He probably regrets ever getting involved with me in the first place. I probably would if I were him.

This whole accidental vampire pregnancy thing couldn't have happened at a worse time. Just when the three of us were getting somewhere...I'm afraid we might not recover from this. I'd like to think we could, because we were working through all the crazy shit that's already happened between us before the impromptu trip to Italy. I want to hope that this won't change how we all feel about one another, but that seems naive.

Carlisle takes me to his office and shuts the door behind us. It feels a bit odd to be alone with him for what I now realise is the first time. He indicates for me to lie down on the couch and I do so without argument. Now that I'm away from Jay and Ward and everyone else, I'm unable to hide how nervous I am. Afraid too. What will I do if this is the real deal? I barely know how to look after myself. Adding a baby into the mix of my already messed up life can only be a bad thing, right?

I almost jump right off the couch when Dr Sexbomb kneels down next to me and says,

"Can you pull your shirt up for me, Ever?"

I blink stupidly at him. He's watching me with a very patient expression. It reminds me of the other Doctors I've had to endure poking and prodding from. I have to remind myself that this time is different. I trust Carlisle. Or at least I trust him enough not to freak out at his simple request.

I take hold of my t-shirt and pull it up enough so that my stomach is revealed. I stare down at my stomach and try to imagine a baby growing inside. I cringe away from the thought so violently that I outwardly wince. Carlisle is good enough not to mention it outright.

Dr Sexbomb has procured a stethoscope from somewhere. Maybe he has them lying around the house just in case. He probably has a stethoscope collection.

"Don't we need some kind of ultrasound thingy for this?" I ask, attempting to sound normal and failing as miserably as always.

Carlisle's lips curl up into a small, amused, smile.

"Vampire hearing, remember." He says.

Oh. Right. For a second I actually forgot that I was led down in the office of a vampire. I actually forgot that vampires were even a real thing. The possibility of being pregnant has turned me into an idiot. That does not bode well for the future.

Carlisle puts the earbud parts of the stethoscope into his ears and presses the end of the stethoscope to my stomach. He moves it around a little bit before settling on one spot just to the left of my bellybutton. I don't even notice the coldness of the metal as it moves over my skin, every part of me is focused on Carlisle's face.

I see his eyes widen ever so slightly and it confirms all of my fears.

"So?" I prompt, still clinging to the hope that I've read him wrong.

He disappoints me by frowning at my stomach and shifting the stethoscope over to the right side of my bellybutton.

Carlisle doesn't even need to say the words, I know the answer already.

"I'm pregnant." I say, tasting the words and desperately wanting to spit out the reality of them. Anguish begins to rise up inside my chest, taking my throat in a stranglehold.

For a single moment, I can't breathe, and I'm terrified that I won't ever be able to again.

Carlisle seals my fate with one word.

"Yes."

I try to gasp, but there's no air left in the world. All of it has been sucked out and taken away by that one word. My chest is empty and I don't know how to fill it back up again.

Carlisle notices my obvious distress and removes the stethoscope from my stomach. He puts it on the coffee table and goes to pull my t-shirt down. I resist, my grip on the material ironclad. But Carlisle persists and removes my fisted hands. He grasps onto one of my hands and holds it tightly in both of his.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

"I know that this is a shock, Ever." Carlisle's voice reaches out to me, but it doesn't matter because I still can't breathe.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

"But I need you to listen to me, ok?"

I shake my head 'no'.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

"Whatever happens from this moment onwards, whatever you decide to do, no one is going to hurt you."

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

"Do you hear me, Ever? No one is going to hurt you. Because you are safe."

I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

"Believe me, Ever. Believe me about this even if you don't believe anything else I ever tell you. Believe that you are safe."

I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

"You are safe. You don't need to be afraid, because you are _safe_."

I. Can't. Breathe. I. Can't-

"Do you believe me, Ever? Do you believe that you are safe?"

I nod 'yes'.

I...can't...breathe...I-

"Ok, then I need you to do one thing for me, Ever."

I can't-

"Just one thing."

I ca-

"Breathe."

A painful cry rips out of me and my lungs burn and it's the best feeling in the world.

I hold onto Carlisle's hand. My white knuckled grip would probably hurt him if he wasn't a vampire.

I stay there for a long time, letting Carlisle be my lifeline as I suck in lungful's of air whilst I lay on his couch. He doesn't say anything. He just kneels next to me and doesn't let go.

After about ten minutes I finally pull my hand away from Carlisle's. He doesn't stop me. We look at each other, searching for signs, for reactions, for the truth of how we're both really feeling.

Carlisle doesn't put up with that bullshit for long though.

"How is Edward do you think?" Carlisle asks me.

His question throws me for a fucking loop. What the hell?

"Edward?"

Carlisle nods, calmly, like he has no idea what the problem could be.

"Yes. In the last few years I've watched him fall in love, almost lose it, be forced to leave it behind, fall in love again, lose it, go after it, find more than he intended, and now he's struggling to hold on to both sides of it. You know him. How do you think he's handling everything?"

I try not to openly gape at Carlisle.

"Um, better than me." I say, feeling helpless and confused by this turn of the conversation.

"I don't know about that." Carlisle muses thoughtfully. "From what I've seen, you're holding up rather well under the circumstances."

Fuck it, I allow myself to gape at him in disbelief. How can he think that after what he just saw only moments ago?

"Doc, I'm a freakin' mess over here." I say.

Carlisle shakes his head and gives me a serious look.

"You're a young woman who has experienced extreme tragedy in her life, and yet here you are. Breathing. I think you underestimate your strength, Ever."

"And I think you might be crazier than I am." I mutter.

Carlisle reveals his ability to smirk. It is understandably epic.

"I'm a three hundred and seventy year old vampire who works, by choice, as a Doctor, surrounded by blood bags and bleeding patients every day at the Hospital. Yes, Ever, between the two of us I am definitely the crazy one."

I'm unable to control the laughter that bubbles up in my throat.

"Holy shit, who said you were allowed to be funny? Seriously. I'd fall in love with you right now if that wasn't awkward as hell."

Carlisle laughs too, his usually stoic expression transforming into something light and playful. It reminds of when Edward lets himself relax and enjoy existing.

"You are a unique individual, Ever Swan. I am glad my son met you."

I smile wanly.

"I'm really glad I met your son too." I tell him. Because it's true. Even if everything between me and Edward goes to shit after today, I'm still always gonna be glad I got the chance to meet him. To love him. I hope he feels the same way about me.

"I've known Edward for a very long time." Carlisle says, bringing me back out of my thoughts again. He smiles fondly, probably at the thought of Edward. "My son has led a lonely life. Even with his twin by his side, he still shied away from creating bonds with anyone outside the family. Until you. He looked at you in a way I had begun to lose hope of him ever looking at anyone. You gave him something. Something precious. And now, it seems, he's found another kind of something inside your wolf friend."

I fight the urge to look away from the intensity inside Carlisle's eyes.

"It's complicated." I say, because, yeah it is, and fuck me, I don't know how else to explain it to Edward's _Dad_.

"I've heard that love can be quite complicated sometimes." Carlisle says, and I can tell that he's teasing me a bit.

"Yeah, the crappy love songs and romantic comedies have taught me that as well." I say dryly.

"But that doesn't mean you should run from it." Carlisle says, fixing me with a knowing stare.

"I'm not going to run." I tell him.

I won't run. Not this time. I did once before and I lost Edward. Now I have him back and we have Jacob too. I refuse to give up either of them. And I won't let them give up each other either. We've all come too far, and fought too hard, to throw in the towel now. I'm not sure if Ward and Jay know I feel that way though.

"Do Edward and Jacob know that?" Carlisle asks, and Jesus, he's an actual mind reading ninja.

Truth is, Edward is probably waiting for me to tell him that I need to end our relationship again, and Jay...well, he more than likely doesn't think I'd ever choose to stay with him. I don't know how I'll manage to convince either of them that I want us to be together.

I really wish I wasn't pregnant. Like, for more than one reason. For a billion reasons actually.

I am not ready for this, and despite his age, I don't think Edward is ready for this either. The only one of us who might be is Jay, and that's only because he's already got a kid. Jay told me how freakin' hard it was for him to raise Coda practically solo. I've seen first hand how dedicated he is to being a good father. He works hard every day of his life to be something Coda can depend on, and honestly, I don't know if I have that in me. I'm not selfless enough.

I figured if I ever had a kid I would be a lot older and hopefully better equipped to deal with the pressure. But here I am, eighteen and stupid and in love with two equally stupid guys. What kid would want to be born into that?

"I'm still thinking of a way to tell them how it is for me." I say to Carlisle.

"This will sound niave, but I truly believe that life works itself out in the end. If you let it." Carlisle says kindly.

It does sound sort of like something a fortune cookie would say. But I really hope he's right, because otherwise I'm definitely screwed.

...

After one of the world's weirdest ever heart to hearts Carlisle lets me wander off. I told him that I don't feel like dealing with everyone right now, but that I also need to talk to Edward and Jacob. Carlisle said that would break the news of my pregnancy and tell my possible boyfriends to meet me in Edward's old room.

I sit down on the edge of Edward's unused bed and wait. I think about snooping, but Edward is so damn boring, he probably doesn't have anything worth finding in here. I bet he's got a secret rock collection though. I have my suspicions that Ward is a closet nerd.

I shift back onto the bed and lay down in the centre of it. I stare up at the plain, white, ceiling and think about the many ways that my Dad is gonna lose his shit when he finds out about this baby thing. Babie ** _s_** , I should say. Because there are two of them. Carlisle confirmed that for me. So it's double the insanity. Hurray.

I press both of my hands against my stomach and imagine two little people trying to push back. I don't feel anything. I didn't really expect to. Carlisle says that the babies have a heartbeat already, which is weird because babies aren't supposed to have heartbeats until you're about six weeks pregnant. I guess that means the babies are growing faster than usual.

I had to swallow a lot of panic when Carlisle voiced that theory. I trust Carlisle enough know that he's probably right. He is the doctor after all. I know fuck all about babies or being pregnant. Like, seriously, I am novice as fuck.

Apparently there haven't been any other cases of vampires getting human girls pregnant as far as Carlisle knows. Which just makes the whole thing scarier than it already was. The thought that I won't even have nine months to work out my shit is terrifying.

If I work it out with some bullshit mathematics, assuming that one week in vampire pregnancy terms equals about six weeks in regular terms, then I could be ready to give birth in just over a month. That is batshit insane. I won't have gotten my head around it by then, I know I won't. A month is _nothing_. I could be a mother in a fucking month. That is so not ok with me.

Just as I feel the beginnings of yet another panic attack start to wash over me, the door to Edward's room opens. I don't look to see who it is. I don't need to. It's impossible not to feel aware of them. They change the air in the room, bringing an intensity into my space that I can't ever ignore.

Without saying a word, Jay and Ward make their way over to the bed and lay down on either side of me. Luckily it's a big bed so we all manage to fit, although there's not much space left between the three of us. I can feel coldness from my left, and warmth from my right. There's a joke about balance in there somewhere.

Minutes that feel more like hours pass, and I begin to wonder if we can just stay like this. I honestly wouldn't mind. If my life could be this uncomplicated. If I could just lay here with the two men I love. If nothing could ever force us apart again for as long as we all lived.

I want to touch them, but maybe that would be too much right now.

Our peace is quite thoroughly destroyed when a sudden pain twists and snarls to life from within my stomach. I'm unable to stop myself from reacting. I gasp sharply and curl instinctively inwards to protect the part of me that hurts. You do that with pain. You don't bare it. You wrap yourself around it.

Jay and Ward are both there before the pain has a chance to fade away. Ward presses a hand to my stomach and I see genuine self-loathing in his eyes. It hurts more to see that than any physical pain ever could. Jay grasps hold of my hand and holds it tightly. I turn my head to look at him. He looks frayed at the edges, like he's barely holding it together. I feel guilty that it's mostly my fault that he's struggling so much.

"Ever, talk to me, what's wrong?" Edward asks intently, bringing my attention back to him.

I shake my head slightly and force my body to relax. The pain is gone, and the two guys lying on either side of me won't chill the fuck out unless I calm down first.

"Don't throw a tizzy fit, Ward, it was just our unborn babies doing some break dancing inside my tummy. We're all good."

Jay actually snorts out a laugh, but Ward does not look amused.

"That isn't funny." He says.

"It's a bit funny though." Jay argues. I quirk a small smile at him, which he reluctantly returns under Ward's disapproving stare.

"I'm going to need one of you to explain to me exactly what part of this is in any way amusing." Edward says.

"No one said it was the good kind of funny, Ward." I say.

"Yeah." Jay agrees. "It's more the 'what the actual fuck' kind of funny."

"I'm having vampire babies." I say to Jay before Ward can get even huffier than he already is. "That's freakin' weird, right?"

"Very weird." Jay says, nodding solemnly, also ignoring Ward's pissy expression.

"Having vampy babies was not part of my life plan." I say.

"There was a _plan_?" Jay asks disbelievingly. "I don't remember you ever mentioning a plan before."

"I had at least 8% of a plan." I admit.

"That sounds more like you." Jay says.

"It was a good, solid, 8% though." I say.

"Was it you buying an ice cream machine at some point?" Jay guesses.

Damn, wolf boy knows me.

"You know me too well." I say. "It's creepy. You're creepy. And so's your boyfriend. Tell him to stop staring at me all emo. I don't want to catch The Emo. I have enough exposure living with Bella bop as it is."

Jay laughs again, and this time it sounds a bit more real and less sad.

"We're never going to be able to have a serious conversation about anything, are we?" Edward mutters to himself. But loud enough for us to hear, which kind of ruins it.

"Probably not." Jay and I say at the same time.

Edward meets my eyes and scowls all judgy-like. I poke my tongue out at him.

"This is what you signed on for, rock-boy. I did warn you." I say.

"I know." Edward sighs. "That's what makes it so sad."

I shove at his shoulder, which does nothing, because he's still an undead boulder and I'm just a puny pregnant human.

"You could at least have the common decency to pretend to fall out the bed." I mutter.

"I am neither common nor decent." Edward counters. "Not my fault you have a thing for impolite vampires."

"And faulty werewolves." Jay says.

"You aren't faulty." Edward and I say in unison.

Ok, I seriously need to stop syncing my brain up with other people.

Jay ignores our defense of his wolfy-skills and says to me,

"Whilst you were up here you missed J-Polo proposing to Bella."

My eyes widen so fast that it actually hurts.

"No. Fraking. Way!" I shriek, like a tween ghost from the 90s or some shit.

"And she said yes." Jay says. He looks far too amused about it.

"Nooooo!" I gasp dramatically and throw myself down onto the bed, repeating the word 'no' inside my head over and over again, because fuck, _nooooooooooo_.

"Jacob." Ward admonishes. "We were going to drop that news gently."

Jay makes a face at Edward.

"I know, but it's too funny to keep secret."

"It isn't funny. It's insane." Ward argues stiffly.

"You're only saying that because you don't believe in the power of _tru wuv_." Jay teases, laughing to himself.

"The truest wuv that ever did be." I say in the voice of a Disney narrator.

I can't believe that Beany might actually get his Cullen-Swan wedding after all. Just not a double wedding. Because that would be dumb. And there's already enough dumb shit going on around here as it is. Hello, vampire baby twins. Ugh.

I grimace at Edward and ask,

"You're not going to ask me to marry you, right?"

Edward pulls the most ridiculously droll look in existence and says,

"No. Not unless they suddenly make it legal for three people to get married to each other."

Jay and I both wait for Ward to laugh or say that he's joking, but he doesn't. He looks serious. Completely fucking serious. What?!

"I am not marrying you." Jay says adamantly. He shakes his head. "I can't marry a vampire. My Dad would kill me."

"Same." I say. "Our Dad's would probably team up to lock us in a cave or something."

"Well then I guess you're lucky that it isn't possible for me to propose to both of you." Edward says, a slight smirk twisting his mouth.

"He's fucking with us." I say suspiciously, poking Edward on the nose.

"No he's not." Jay says, he flicks at Edward's fringe. "This bastard right here would marry the hell out of us if he could."

Ward catches my hand and presses it against my stomach. Then he grasps hold of Jay's free hand and lays it down on top of mine. Finally he covers both of our hands with his so that the three of us are connected. I don't miss the frission on tension that envelopes Jay and me, tugging us more securely into Edward's net of intensity. To be fair, we don't fight it all that hard.

Edward somehow manages to lock eyes with both of us at the same time.

"I know I've made a lot of mistakes. I've put you through far too much shit, and I neither of you deserve to deal with my inability to keep a handle on my...desires." His brow creases, guilt and anger sharpening his features. He goes on in a voice that sounds deeper in pitch. "So, to stop any more misunderstandings or confusion, and despite everything that's happened in the last few days, I'm going to tell you both how it is for me...I love you." He says, looking directly at me this time. "I've loved you almost since the first time you made me laugh. For most of my life since I became a vampire, I've felt disconnected from the world. I always thought it was because I died when I became a vampire. But I've come to realise that I locked myself away, kept my distance, refused to let myself feel much of anything. Because it was easier not to risk exposing all that I am to someone and having them not like what they see. I don't even mean the vampire side of me. Just...me, as I am. But then I met you and...you were like no one I had ever known in my life. You wore your flaws like battle scars. You wielded humour like a weapon. You hid your kindness and understanding like you thought being seen as selfless would make you somehow less rather than more. I wanted desperately to know you. To read your thoughts and see every part of you; the good, the bad, and everything inbetween."

My eyes have begun to sting like a bitch. I blink rapidly to stave off the tears that want to fall.

Edward must be able to tell that I've reached my limit, because he shifts his steady gaze away from me and over to Jay. Jay sucks in a breath in reaction to Edward's penetrating stare, but he doesn't try to pull his hand out from underneath Edward's like I thought he might.

"And then there was you." Ward says to Jay. He smiles, and I can't decide if the smile is rueful or glad. "I never thought I would fall in love with anyone. But then I did, and my world view shifted. When we met, I felt...angry. And it's taken me a long time to figure out why. Thing is, I was already loved Ever when we met, and even though I didn't know it consciously, I was angry at myself for wanting you. I was angry at you for wanting the girl I loved and not me. I was angry at Ever for not realising how much she wanted you. All of that anger turned in on itself and transformed into something else. I never hated you. I hated the situation we were in. But then Ever told me to leave and we started talking on the phone. Hatred turned into need and I found myself getting losing myself to you too. You're strong, stronger than anyone I've ever met. And brave. Braver than I could even hope to be. After everything you've been through, your heart is still open in all the ways that matter. I don't think you'll believe me yet, but I want you to know that I love you."

Edward returns his attention to both me and Jay.

"I love you weirdoes so much that it scares me. I think about you all the time. I would do anything for you. And there's nothing I want more in this world than to find a way to make this thing between the three of us work."

I lock eyes with Jay, hoping for some silent communication. He looks as terrified as I feel. But it's not exactly a bad feeling. More like the excited terror you feel right before you do something you've been waiting to do your whole life.

"I want this too. More than anything." I say breathlessly.

Edward and I look to Jay, waiting for his answer with barely retrained hope.

Jay swallows hard and takes turns meeting our eyes, searching them for...what, I don't know. But whatever he's looking for he must find it, because he says,

"I'm all in."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N-I know it's been about a bazillion years since I updated and I'm sorry to all the people who waited for this chapter all that time. I struggled a lot with this chapter since it's the last one in this story. The next arc will be Eclipse: The Ever Swan Story and I hope to have the first chapter up within the next week if you still want me to continue. x
> 
> As with my last story, the chapter after this one will be the playlist/soundtrack for New Moon: The Ever Swan story.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who read and commented, you people are my rocks stars, I really appreciate your feedback. It gives me life to hear from you! xx


	22. Playlist

**Playlist/Soundtrack for New Moon: The Ever Swan Story**

_Ever and Jacob-Until the Last Falling Star by Mathew Perryman Jones_

_Ever and Edward-Love In The Light by Clairity_

_Edward and Jacob-I Can't Stop This Feeling I've Got by Razorlight_

_Ever's dark past-'Insomnia' and 'Scars' both by IAMX_

_Bella and Ever-Where We Gonna Go From Here by Mat Kearney_

_Ever and Eric (Beany)-We'll Be The Stars by Sabrina Carpenter_

_Eric (Beany) and Mike (Goldy)-Done Stealin' by Carolina Liar_

_Jacob's dark past-Waves by Dean Lewis and Wrecking by Laura Viers_

_Ever, Jacob and Edward-Stars by Arrows to Athens and Legends by Kelsea Ballerini_

_Ever's theme-Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield_

_Edward's theme-Can't Pretend by Tom Odell_

_Jacob's theme-Never Going Back by The Score_

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO! My lovely readers! Thank you so much for reading this chapter, and I hope so much that you enjoyed it. Please do let me know! Any and all comments are welcome.
> 
> Right, now, a few things:
> 
> There will be no love triangle, as I've previously stated. BUT Jacob will be involved romantically. Now, I know most of you are thinking WHAT, how can there be no love triangle and yet three people are involved. Well, if you've read my story 'Ever Gilbert and Sinbad Salvatore' then you'll know exactly what I mean. But for those of you who haven't, then I will just say that things are gonna get complicated. For everyone.
> 
> Also, after weeks of deliberating, I have finally decided that the only way to properly and completely tell this story from all sides is to use Jacob's P.O.V. So, expect his P.O.V to be popping in and out of the story as we go. It's integral to the plot. Since I've kind of completely changed Jacob's character, his inner monologue will reflect that. He has some major surprises in store for you. And I mean MAJOR. I hope you'll like them.
> 
> Anyway then, my fantastical readers, I bid you goodbye. Until next time.
> 
> Kevin 2.0 says hi, he's happy to meet you. Don't trust his angelic smile, he'll hurt your face. RUN! xxx


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